Why are we proud to announce these signings you ask? Because all these players will compliment already signed Honus Wagner: Professional Badass. And because it enables us to envision the following dialogue.
MARTIN: "So I sez to the guy, I sez: 'If Charlie Chaplin gets a thousand bucks fer fallin' down, ya otta put me in pictchers, I fall down fer free!' "
MARTIN: "Wuzza matta skip? don't ya like my stories no more?"
FRISCH: "What's that?"
MARTIN: "Ya ain't payin' no attention to me. Ty likes 'em--"
COBB: "No I don't."
MARTIN: "Yeah, well, Honus does."
WAGNER: "I'm German...I don't like anything but potato salad and Wagner."
FRISCH: "Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?"
WAGNER: "No, I meant Wagner, the opera composer."
MARTIN: "Oh, yeah...I mean who doesn't like quickly shifting tonal centers, and rich chromaticism in their operas?"
COBB: "I don't."
MARTIN: "C'mon Skip, wuzza matter?"
FRISCH: [Sigh] "I don't know Pepper, I just feel like we're out of step in this new baseball world."
MARTIN: "Whatcha mean? Is it that Ty and Honus ain't been colorized yet?
COBB: "I won't ever be colored."
WAGNER: "Ty, we said we'd sign you if you stop being racist. Say anything like that again and I'll punch you in the face."
FRISCH: "Fellas, don't fight, and Ty don't make us punch you in the face."
MARTIN: "So what is it Skip?"
FRISCH: "It's just...I have to wonder if there's a place in baseball today for a bunch of gritty, hard playing guys, who can't hit the ball out of the park but work their butts off on the field?"
COBB: "Yer right, how many players today would get their tonsils taken out by a quack doctor just so they could play that night?"
MARTIN: "Or slide head first every single time, just cuz they like gettin' there uniforms dirty?"
COBB: "Or even think about stealing home?"
MARTIN: "Or drop water filled paper bags out of hotel windows and put pepper in ventilation systems for a joke?"
FRISCH: "You see fellas? We're out of step with the time. I bet there isn't even a manager who gets thrown out of games as often as I did. Gone are the feuds, the fines, the profanity and the fun."
WAGNER: "Sorry for my foul language, but it's true. I mean, that's why we're in this dugout now."
COBB: "I thought we were in this dugout because two bloggers thought it would be funny."
WAGNER: "Shut up, Ty. Profane, tirade loving umpires, Frank? Have you forgotten that Ron Gardenhire seems to live only for insanity? Head first slides, Johnny? How do you think Cuddyer and Cassilla keep hurting their hands? Getting tonsils taken out by a certifiable lunatic, Ty? Well...actually...I think that's just stupid."
COBB: "I don't."
WAGNER: "Fine...but if anyone else is that crazy it's probably Carlos Gomez."
FRISCH: "What are you saying, Honus?"
WAGNER: "I'm saying there's a reason we're the alternate universe Twins and not the alternate universe Yankees or Dodgers or Astros. This alternate universe isn't Bizzaro World where everything's the opposite and the Yankees are the embodiment of goodness and light [EVERYONE SHUDDERS]. This is a place where great players of the past come together to embody the true nature of teams today. The Twins are tough, and gritty and profane and a little crazy. They play like we play. That's why we love them. That's why we're their alternate universe dopplegangers."
MARTIN: "You know, fer all the metaphysics, Honus is right."
FRISCH: "Yeah, I think you've got a good point there Wagner."
COBB: "I don't."
FRISCH: "You don't?"
COBB: "No, I do, I just only seem to say 'I don't'."
FRISCH: "Well now that that's settled lets go play us some baseball boys"
[ALL CHEER AND RUN OUT OF THE DUGOUT.]