MCNEAU: Welcome once again to Sgt. Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, where tonight we'll be discussing how are team has improved...
SPANNON: Or not...
MCNEAU: Or not this offseason. I'm Justin McNeau and with me as always are Carlos Ringomez--
RINGOMEZ: Pumpernickel!!
MCNEAU: Brendan Harrisson--
HARRISSON: Pleasure
MCNEAU: And Denard Spannon
SPANNON: What do you mean, with you as always? What are we, your sidekicks, your punching bags, your entourage?
MCNEAU: No, I just mean we hang out a lot.
SPANNON: Oh...I guess I can't be indignant about that.
MCNEAU: That's a relief.
SPANNON: What is that supposed to mean?
HARRISON: Guys, the topic for the night?
MCNEAU: Right! Gentlemen, lately Twins GM Bill Smith has been as active as a three-toed sloth on Vicodin. While we've resigned Nick Punto, we still don't have a set-up reliever or a high calibre third basemen.
HARRISON: *Ahem?*
MCNEAU: We haven't signed another high calibre third baseman, the truth is, we haven't done anything, will this inactivity come back to bite us in the ass this year?
SPANNON: No.
HARRISON: No.
RINGOMEZ: heehee, "ass", heehee!
SPANNON: There's starvation and suffering around the world, there are people who would gladly eat the crickets that provide our offseason soundtrack, people are losing their jobs and their homes here, right here! Spending 17 and a half million dollars on Casey Blake is cruel and callous and unfeeling.
HARRISON: And I'm not really that bad, I hit right-handers better than ever before last year, and though I hit fewer homeruns I can play defense anywhere and will do anything to stay part of the club.
RINGOMEZ: heehee, "ass", heehee!
MCNEAU: But what about the bullpen? I mean, I can only hit so many home runs to retie the game after relievers whose names don't rhyme with Smred Smirate Smoe Smathan give up a four run lead.
HARRISON: I agree, the absence of Neshak is less than thrilling, but we've cobbled together better bullpens with less.
SPANNON: And the celebrity obsession with pitchers is utterly inane, to turn one member of our nonet into the Atlas upon which all our hopes rest bespeaks a culture biased against we who flash the leather, be it snaring ground balls or scaling barriers to keep the spheroids where they belong...in our gloves.
MCNEAU: I'm sorry, was that supposed to make sense?
SPANNON: Just because I don't have your marketability or commercial appeal doesn't mean--
MCNEAU: Oh is this about the commercials again, Denard I keep telling you--
[ARGUING UNINTELLIGBLY]
HARRISON: Guys, don't fight in front of Carlos!
[SINGLE TEAR FORMS IN RINGOMEZ'S EYE]
MCNEAU: Sorry.
SPANNON: Sorry.
RINGOMEZ: [Sniffle]
MCNEAU: Okay, to close today's discussion I'll ask everyone for one person they would like to see the Twins sign before training camp.
SPANNON: Will Ohman, he's a lefty reliver, he's experienced, he needs to stop playing for the racially insensitive Braves.
HARRISON: I'd like to bring back Eddie Guardado, he'll ask for lest money and remain a great clubhouse influence.
RINGOMEZ: Bring back Dennys Reyes! I need someone to share a grand slam breakfast with!
MCNEAU: And I'll cast my vote for Ambiroix Burgos, he's young, shows promise, and has an X in his name which makes him very cool. Well that's it for this edition of the Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, keep coming back to Peanuts From Heaven for all your fanciful discussion needs.
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