Know Thine Enemy #8: The Texas Rangers

Reasons we should smack the ever-lovin' bejeesus out of the Rangers:
  1. George H. W. Bush: Still President Bush led the Rangers syndicate of owners to bully the people of Arlington for a new stadium, boot Commissioner Fay Vincent from the job then campaign for the position himself and add to the 1994 labor stalemate.  Ineptitude, thy name is Bush. *43 Loathing Points*
  2. History?: What History? The Rangers have 1 Hall-of-Famer in their history (Nolan Ryan--who actually had better years in Houston, and Anaheim). The total number of playoff appearances can be counted on one hand, with room left over to hold a teacup. *10 Loathing Points*
  3. Steroid stir-house: According to that pillar of honesty, Jose Canseco, the Rangers juiced their way to those three playoff spots, with Jose tossing syringes to Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez and Rafael Palmerio. So, that's a host of positive role models for the kids of Texas. *24 Loathing Points*
  4. Washington Escapees: The Rangers started in Washington DC as the replacement for the team that moved to Minnesota in 1960, where they promptly stunk. Like the Nationals we whupped up on last month, we must defend our status as the best team to get out of Washington. *13 Loathing Points*
Reasons we should smack the some-times-lovin' bejeesus out of the Rangers:
  1. Josh Hamilton: Forget the bitterness espoused by some *cou(Jim Souhan)gh!* about cheering on the prodigal son, forget the stupidity of Home Run Derby announcers who fawned over him while Justin won the contest. The truth is Hamilton's a good story, a great player and worthy of cheers from anyone around him *-32 Loathing Points*
  2. Cursed?: The Rangers are the oldest team to have never even appeared in a World Series. Only 4 teams in the majors hold that distinction, and the Rangers have a good 10 years on all of them. With no luck and no history, why add to the misery? *-14 Loathing Points*
  3. Bert Blyleven: He pitched for them, and he's the funniest fool of an announcer in America, so a little credit is due *-5 Loathing Points*
  4. Chuck Norris: The world's most famous Texas Ranger, Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris chopped St. Minnepaul into Twin Cities. Unless we want to be come: Saint, Paul, Minne and Apolis we better be nice. *-17 Loathing Points*
Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 31 Loathing Points
(Also Known As: Having Fox News on, but not having a remote control)

No comments:

Post a Comment