A first glance at the NL All-stars

Here at Peanuts From Heaven Inc. we know that the busy Minnesota Twins fan doesn't necessarily have time to learn, or care about players on other teams. So we are happy to provide a quick glossary of who these players are and how you can recognize them.
Our overview of other all-stars continues with the National League
C-Geovany Soto--Non-descript, but thankfully wears a mask
1B-Lance Berkman--Mike Lamb's inspiration for a prospector's beard
2B-Chase Utley--as non-descript as Seto, but without the mask.
SS-Hanley Ramirez--mini-goat, plays like a young Alex Rodriguez
3B-Chipper Jones--who cares?
OF-Alfonso Soriano--looks/acts like he did with the Yankees, just wears a different uniform
OF-Kosuke Fukadome--Hansel to Ichiro's Zoolander
OF-Ryan Braun--big smile, searching for a synagogue in Milwaukee
C-Brian McCann--ATL--Tubby and scruffy...what a catcher ought to be
C-Russel Martin--LA--Rectangular headed Roy Campanella
1B-Albert Pujols--STL--The best hitting unibrow in baseball
1B-Adrian Gonzalez--SD--a cabana boy wannabe
2B-Dan Uggla--FLA--Mostly stoic with the odd crazy eyes
3B-Aramis Ramirez--CHI--Chicago loves the Lincoln-esque beard
SS-Miguel Tejada--HOU--A natural...user of steroids.
SS-Christian Guzman--WAS--Yes, Gooooooooooooooooooz-man. 
OF-Ryan Ludwick--STL--looks like an assistant auto mechanic 
OF-Matt Holiday--COL--NOT in Queen Latifa's "Last Holiday"
OF-Nate McClouth--PIT--The only talented man in Pittsburgh
Aaron Cook--COL--the man who's lucky his manager runs the NL team
Tim Lincecum--SF--looks like your precocious 12 year old neighbor
Dan Haren--AZ--mangy beard/quasi-mulleted hard thrower
Brandon Webb--AZ--That guy the Twins crushed a couple weeks ago.
Ben Sheets--MIL--That guy the Twins crushed a week ago.
Carlos Zambrano--CHI--loves his tongue, shows it to the world
Ryan Dempster--CHI--my goatee, minus my lack of athletic ability
Brian Wilson--SF--geometrically perfect goatee
Edinson Volquez--CIN--gum chewing rookie with a thundrous arm, watch him now before Baker ruins him like he ruined...
Kerry Wood--CHI--apparently he's only "mostly" dead
Brad Lidge--PHI--the most fragile psyche you've ever seen
Billy Wagner--NY--The only talented man in Shea stadium

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