"Hey," said Justin Morneau, between buttocks toning knee bends, "has anyone seen Little Nicky Punto?"
"You know," said Delmon Young as he crammed a rabbit into his hat, "since he made that sweet defensive play to beat the Tigers, I really haven't though about him."
"He hasn't been the batting cages...though god knows I've been looking for him," said Mike Redmond as he dropped his robe and strode proudly off for a little naked batting practice.
At that moment, Punto walked into the clubhouse, in a broad lapeled coat, a frilly shirt, a white wig, and a glazed look in his eye.
Shaggy Gurrier dared to ask what everyone was thinking: "Nicky P? Where have you been?"
"I watched the whole John Adams miniseries yesterday."
"Yeah...it was...it was--" and a single tear rolled down Nick's face as the silence grew.
"As overrated as Adams himself?"
"What?!? Did you call John Adams overrated?!"
"He was the only one term president in the first 50 years of the union--"
"Nobody could have followed Washington successfully!"
"He didn't fight in the army--"
"He was a little busy organizing the diplomatic efforts throughout all of Europe!"
"He passed the Alien and Sedition acts--"
"He...well...yeah that did suck...but he didn't want to!"
"I don't understand," said Denard Span, "why do you care so much?"
Little Nicky Punto looked around the clubhouse wildly, finding only quizzical faces and Brendan Harris cutting his eyes to the camera with a wry grin on his face, "Why do I--Why do I--he was--you don't--HE BUILT AMERICA!!! It's the Fourth of July, Independence Day, a day that would never have been if John Adams hadn't stood in Independence Hall and urged the waffling delegates of New York and Pennsylvania to rise above their petty differences and come together! The Declaration of Independence was Jefferson's writing of Adams' ideas! He kept us out of a disastrous war with France! JOHN ADAMS IS AMERICA!!!"
"Do you need a nap Nicky P?" asked Shaggy
"NO!! I need to dedicate my performance tonight to John Adams!!
For he has inspired me to do great things for America!"
"And I will dedicate mine to Thomas Jefferson!" cried Delmon Young, "for he created the magical dumbwaiter!"
"And I will dedicate mine to Benjamin Franklin!" cried Livan Hernandez, rising from his hammock and putting down his Pina Colada. For he was as nearly as great a lover, as I am!"
And that's how the Minnesota Twins celebrated the best Fourth of July ever.