Know Thine Enemy #7: The Boston Red Sox

Reasons we should blast the Red Sox into the same tiny smithereens that the original Death Star became:
  1. Smug-osity: Boston's insufferable in a lot of ways, from their smug insistence that their suffering of 84 years without a championship was the most painful experience any person could ever endure, to their smug insistence that winning two championships has not made them smug. Any way you slice it, it's nearly impossible to endure the Red Sox. *57 Loathing Points*
  2. Big Papi: Before he was the home-run-swatting, clutch-hitting, immensely-popular force, he was a guy with a gut who couldn't hit the other way for the Twins. Some would call it jealousy...they would be right. *10 Loathing Points*
  3. Scrappy my ass: For all Boston's claims to the throne of ultimate underdog, there is only one team that spends more than they do. It's a little hard to overcome obstacles, when your obstacles are non-existent. *23 Loathing Points*
  4. A worthy adversary: The Twins are right behind the Red Sox for the fourth best record in the AL--that would be playoff position. After beating teams with worse records than us for the last three weeks, we now face a team that will actually test us. Crushing them thoroughly would be even more satisfying. *15 Loathing Points*
  5. Kevin Youkilis: The nastiest facial hair in baseball beat out our beloved Justin to start the all star game...he must pay the price for his insubordination. *8 Loathing Points*
Reasons we should simply bore the Red Sox into submission, as though we were Hayden Christiansen's acting:
  1. The enemy of my enemy is my friend: They are Jr. Yankees, but they are not the Yankees. No matter how smug, arrogant or wealthy they become, they are not now, nor will they ever really be the Bronx B*$*@*#s. *-45 Loathing Points*
  2. Homeboys: We all know and indulge Red Sox fans, uncles, glee club members, potential opera stars, even (sigh) my brothers (though the Twins take precedence). The beat down must be more gentle. *-6 Loathing Points*
Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 52 Loathing Points
(Also Known As: Nearly getting hit by someone who drives and talks on a cell phone)

No comments:

Post a Comment