An actual live report on the day in Detroit

Despite the absence of Dick and Bert, ESPN highlights do not do justice to the magic, the wonder, the indefinable thingitude of today's Twins/Tigers game.

Fortunately for you, Peanuts from Heaven Inc. had a reporter on the scene--and this is what really happened

After the Twins scored two runs on cranky old man Kenny Rogers (who shouted about begonias, and no good lousy kids, while Span and Punto ran around him), pitcher Kevin Slowey became distracted and flustered.

"I couldn't help it," Slowey said, "I saw Ben MacKenzie speaking to his father and I knew how Bruce felt about throwing first pitch strikes. And I wanted at least one person in Minnesota to know I did the right thing so...so...so...I gave a fat pitch that was a home run...it was all my fault."

Between his helpless sobs, people tried to inform him that the Twins had won the game, and everything was okay. Slowey's tears continued until pitching coach Rick Anderson took Slowey to the "nap room" despite Slowey's protestations of "But I'm not TI-ered!!!"

The Twins impressive comeback was keyed by Nick Punto, who was excited by the Tiger stadium's scoreboard advertisement. "It said 'Big Boy Nick Punto' I've been waiting for years to be called that. I was just so happy I had to show I really am a Big Boy!!"

After Joe Nathan used his laser vision to freeze Clete Thomas and Ivan Rodriguez, Justin Morneau won the game with a high arching home run that caused all Tiger fans around our reporter to mutter: "Oh shi--", while Justin simply stomped on home plate, saying: "that's why the ladies love me."

Replied the women of Minnesota: "sigh...."

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