For Crying out Loud!

Was it my fault? Did I suggest that the Twins did not have to utterly destroy the Twins and they took this to mean that they could just not drive in any runs at all?

Did I infect Jason Kubel with a desire to hit double play balls? I know that sharing some of my scruffy facial hair with him could lead to side effects, I just didn't think my inability to hit would be one of them?

Did I accidently pick up Joe Mauer's contact lenses and he mine? Is my lazy ass left eye the reason that he has struck out more times in two games than I can remember ever seeing him strike out ever before?

Did I subtly suggest, through my noncoverage of the bullpen, that they could go ahead and not through the ball well so that we could cover them?

Did I go too easy on Alex Rodriguez when I saw him play in Toronto, suggesting that drunken Canucks go a little easier on a man going through a divorce? Does he now try doubly hard to justify my kindness to him? (Will he start sending me flowers, chocolates and perhaps teddy bears with sonnets shaved into their fur?)

Did I inspire the Yankees to post my enemies entry on their bulletin board as if to say: "See...someone thinks we're valuable human beings no matter whether we win or lose!"

No...no I did not...so Twins...ATTACK!!! Lay siege to Yankee Stadium tomorrow, and, as General Sherman did to Atlanta, leave it a smoldering ruin, a burning, worthless heap where only cockroaches and Ted Turner survive. Set it ablaze! No more Monument Park, no more "classic frieze", no more mustache on Giambi's lip--GET RID OF IT ALL!!

And when Derek Jeter stands in the burning red sunset, his chiffon dress torn and tears streaking his feminine face and screams: "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again...because I'm paid an absurd amount of money!!" We will all be there to rise up as one and say: "Frankly Jeter, WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN!"

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