Here at Peanuts From Heaven Inc. we know that the busy Minnesota Twins fan doesn't necessarily have time to learn, or care about players on other teams. So we are happy to provide a quick glossary of who these players are and how you can recognize them.
We start with the American League
C-Joe Mauer--radiates goodness and light
1B-Kevin Youkilis--hideous goatee masks charred soul
2B-Dustin Pedroia--Mr. Baby-face, sometimes wears eye-black, sometimes rainbow face paint.
SS-Derek Jeter--Mr. Yankee, the most hatable man in baseball.
3B-Alex Rodriguez--may have left his wife for Madonna...an idiot
OF-Manny Ramirez--nappy dreds cover the laziest ass in baseball
OF-Ichiro Suzuki--acts like he's too cool for school...which he is.
OF-Josh Hamilton--Mr. Heart Warming Redemption story
C--Dioner Navaro--TB--the guy who shoves Matt Garza
C--Jason Varitek--BOS--Has been crouching behind home plate since the pilgrims landed
1B--Justin Morneau--MIN--The guy with the backside
2B--Ian Kinsler--TEX--Clown hair sticks out behind his hat
SS--Michael Young--TEX--Searching for someone to care about him
3B--Joe Crede--CHI--A White Sock...erego, evil
UT--Carlos Guillen--DET--Squashy, mitt-like visage
OF--Milton Bradley--TEX--Mr. Copyright infringement ("Sorry!" "Boggle!" "Risk!")
OF--Carlos Quentin--CHI--his mlb.com picture looks like a mug shot
OF--Grady Sizemore--CLE--attractive...if you're from Cleveland.
OF--JD Drew--BOS--booed on his way out of every town he plays in
Scott Kazmir--TB--Cherubic cheeks, killer fastball
Roy Halladay--TOR--blonde beard, like a bachelor Norweigan farmer
Justin Duchscherer--OAK--Best ERA in AL, and even his mother couldn't find him in a line-up
Joakim Soria--KC--Stuck in KC and stuck with a psuedo Unibrow
Cliff Lee--CLE--We're playing against him RIGHT NOW! (And he's beating us...but his team didn't)
Ervin Santana--LA--dresses up like Johan to make himself feel good.
Joe Saunders--LA--Little Mr. Chipmunk cheeks
George Sherill--BAL--The pride of Austin Peay...wherever that is.
Mariano Rivera--NY--A pity selection/going away present
Johnathan Papelbon--BOS--irritatingly popular...irriatingly good
Joe Nathan--MIN--Our beloved hero, closing for America
Francisco Rodriguez--LA--Reacts to Ks like Tiger reacts to putts