The Battle over Torii Hunter

He's back. Torii Hunter is back, and in the 7 hours of his official presence in a Twins line-up again there are two clear camps in response to his return.


In the blue corner, weighing in at 140 characters, 140,000 grey hairs in the last four seasons and 140 million liters of digital ink are the analytically minded, podcast savvy, SABR-metrical, writers, critics and yes...fans who wonder what the heck the Pohlad's were thinking.

"This is not the Torii Hunter we fell in love with," they remind readers, listeners, viewers and random passers-by.

He is not the defensive wunderkind we saw steal homers from Barry Bonds, he's not even the workman-like defender we saw handle Eduardo Escobar pop outs in Anaheim and Detroit. He has struggled lately, and one thing the Twins outfield does not want for is corner outfielders who struggle defensively (see: Arcia, Oswaldo; Willingham, Josh; Nunez, Eduardo Freaking)

The Torii we came to know and love was prone to gaps in his approach at the plate, always good but never quite great. While that also changed in the years he was away, 39 year-old Torii may not be able to maintain that production. And as younger talents vie for playing time, the curious sight of an aging corner outfielder with declining production and defensive value getting constant playing time and clinging to his no-trade clause becomes all the more questionable.

This is not the mega-watt smiling, do-no-wrong, clubhouse hero either. One afternoon worth of press coverage seemed to confirm that. Claiming that "whoever believes in that SABR-metric stuff never played the game" (despite the successful A's GM/former first round draft pick/former Minnesota Twin Billy Beane being a leader in the field) did not allay the fears of the analytically minded writers in the room and at home. Hunter then proceeded to call Mike Bernadino of the Pioneer Press, "a prick" four times, because Bernadino asked about how his opposition to gay marriage may have affected his free agency and may yet affect his leadership. Only Kris Humphries had a shorter honeymoon.

So, says the camp in the blue corner, "this is not the Torii Hunter we fell in love with." Defensively, offensively, socially: it's different now. But there is another side to this.

In the red corner, weighing in at $221 million dollars in revenue, 73,000 household wide television audience, and four straight 90 loss seasons is the Twins front office who wonder "what the heck's the problem?"

Loathe as we writers may be to admit it, the front office can see and know these issues. They may not believe in defensive metrics, but they know a 39-year-old outfielder is going to be less effective than the 32-year-old they last had in uniform. They may not project many stat-lines, but they saw enough of Jim Thome (not to mention Tony Batista, Shannon Stewart, and Dave Winfield) to know that a 39-year-old hitter isn't a 32-year-old hitter. And while Hunter's not keen to talk about his beliefs, the ownership isn't exactly shy about theirs (leading the list of contributors to the anti-gay marriage amendment in 2012).

Heck, they'd probably take mummified
Torii Hunter

The Twins brass knows that this is not the old Torii Hunter, and they do not care, they want this Torii Hunter.

Bear in mind, the Twins are not just in the business of fielding a winning baseball team, they're in the business of making money. To be sure, the best teams make the most money, but even the worst teams can make some.

If you're a business and you know your most loyal customers will come back again and again even when they are dumbstruck and aghast at your decision making, you know that you can make "dumb" and "ghastly" decisions again and again. Their opinion doesn't matter. They'll keep coming--even if only to complain.

What matters is the undecided, the ambivalent, the apathetic customers, ones that you may have lost in the lean years and can bring back (even briefly now). Last year the biggest crowd at Target Field (36,952 to watch the Yankees on July 4th) wouldn't have been in the top 8 home crowds of the 2013 season--when the team was even worse. Sure a great team would solve that problem, but we aren't going to get a great team over night, so let's appreciate what we can have: a beloved local legend on a farewell tour (you saw the crowds for Jeter/Rivera? Torii might only get a tenth of that...but that's a lot better than the Twins have drawn recently).

And even if you don't see this as a cold, callous and calculated business decision, you can appreciate it as a comfortable move at a time of great uncertainty. There's a new manager, a bevy of new talent in the wings, the team is in flux and adding one familiar face, beloved by the front office, admired by the layman fan base, is a way to ease the transition from one regime to the next.

You may not believe the "clubhouse leadership" lines, you may not buy the "mentorship" lines, but what you buy and what you don't is moot now. The Twins bought Torii Hunter 2014, not 2011 or 2007, and they wanted to do that. If it fails, it fails, but if it excites a few absentee fans, if it eases the transition and if it supports the next generation of outfielders, then it's worth it.

Call it Twins Teri-Torii, call him Torii-Wan Kenobi, but above all else, call it what it is. A decision that was made (past tense), as fiercely as we may fight about it, argue about it and debate it, the results won't be known until next spring and summer. (Even then since the arguments are being made in different directions, there not be a winner. Maybe Tori'll be terrible and bring in fans/make the clubhouse brighter, or maybe he'll be great on the field and as insignificant as Jason Bartlett in the annals of Twins reunions gone by. We can all be right, we can all be wrong!)

Wha' Happened #8 (@ Kansas City & Washington, v.s. Philadelphia & Detroit)

Look out ladies!

Game 57
Twins 3 - Royals 0
Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can.

Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies...

Game 58
Royals 4 - Twins 1
In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone]

Game 59
Royals 7 - Twins 3
I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!!


Game 60
(Rained out)
There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured)

Game 61
Twins 4- Nationals 3
I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished.

Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog

Preparation, Expectation, Joy

Oh, it's still just a hot dog

like laws, don't show me.

Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out)
Nationals 7 - Twins 0
The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. :( "

Game 62
Nationals 5 - Twins 4
This series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez).

But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to.

does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well"

Game 63
Twins 3 - Phillies 2


Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping])

Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo.

Game 64
Twins 4 - Phillies 3
The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song.

Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits.

BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles

Soft and subtle meat

Fresh veggies singing for you

Wow...that price is right

Game 65
Phillies 3 - Twins 2
Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again).

Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night).

This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts.

Game 66
Tigers 4 - Twins 0
Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said.

Game 67
Twins 6 - Tigers 3

Annabelle Sanchez

The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary.

Dear Diary,
Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so!  I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary!

Annabelle

This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session.

Game 68
Tigers 5 - Twins 2
The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister.

Unimpressed.

A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players
"Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes."
etc.

P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun!

Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!)
Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

Closing Arguments

In case you haven't noticed; there is a poll available at the right side of this screen that invites you to vote for the next members of the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame.

This is not a Hall of Fame for the greatest Twins players in history--just as this is not the greatest blog in Twins history--instead this Hall of Fame aspires to be what we aspire to be: a place for the fun, the quirky and the things that make you laugh and smile while watching a game. Our first inductee was the master of farts Bert Blyleven, then hyperactive center-fielder/puppy personified Carlos Gomez, then the dictionary definition of scrappiness Nick Punto.

Today we have nine nominees vying for election...it takes 75% to get elected (or at least the top vote getter) and 10% to stay on the ballot for next year. And since the most entertaining thing that has been on this winter (other than Downton Abbey, obviously)  has been the spirited exchange of ideas/interminable car wreck of political aspirations known as the Republican Presidential Debates--we thought we'd give each candidate a chance to make their final case for enshrinement. Consider their claims and cast your ballot at the right--only 4 days left to vote! Make them count!

Jesse Crain 

(the only returning candidate from last year)

I believe that the reasons I would make a good Hall of Famer can be best summarized through a detailed analysis of the inter-related ideas of existentialist philosophers like Viktor Frankl and Austrian economist Friedrich Hayek, you see following the inhuman betrayal of our shared human values...[5 minutes later]...leaving the only possible explanation for both the meaning of life and the reason for a limited government: my excellent slider! Thank you.

Jim Thome

I never tried to make lofty, absurd promises to Twins Territory, I just spoke softly and carried a big stick that hit big homeruns. The citizens of Twins Territory don't need promises, they need a calm, steady, potato-ish presence in the line up, I did that proudly for two years. I even walked around with a big blue ox, because hey, I figured y'all would like it. If elected to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame, I will be polite, dignified and hit home runs...you're welcome.

Delmon Young

You people never thought I'd do the things I did, but I always surprised you! Just when it looked like a ball would fly over my head for a devastating double, I'd randomly decide to leap and find the thing! Just when it looked like I'd catch the ball for an inning ending out, I'd lose it in the sun or the roof, or a cloud! Admit it, you could never predict what I'd do next! I'd always leave you guessing! What's more exciting than having that: EVERY SINGLE BALLGAME!! Elect me to the Peanuts Hall of Fame and who knows what I'll do? Ground into a double play? Try to leg out a triple? Establish a colony on the moon? WHO KNOWS?!? ELECT ME AND FIND OUT!!!

Joe Nathan

BLAGHERAGHERAGHERAGH!!!! STRIKEOUTS! GERAAAAGHHERAGAAAAAGGA!!! WINNING!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGH!!! VOTE JOE!!! BLARK!!!

This may be our last chance to refer to Dread Pirate Joe Nathan
We had to take it

Kevin Slowey

I know a little something about entertainment, and I know a little something about job creation. I provided you fans with countless games of entertainment, when I found a good pitching groove and suddenly turned in 7 or 8 innings of near total domination--that was entertaining. When I didn't, and I left after 3 or 5 innings in total confusion and disarray--well, I was just making sure that our bullpen guys had opportunities to prove themselves. Otherwise they'd be without big league contracts, and salaries, and their kids would suffer and the backbone of our society (middle relievers) would collapse! You wouldn't want that to happen would you? Of course not...so, that's why you should vote for me...I'm entertaining, and I'm doing my part to make pitching staffs strong again for ourselves, and our children.

Jose Mijares

I did three things that make me worth of being a Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Famer. I threw the ball really hard. I didn't sue when these bloggers photoshopped my head on a Princess drawing. And, uhh...uhh....oops.

Jason Kubel

Sure, I could tell you why I deserve election, but look at these other candidates! Kevin Slowey talks about putting relievers to work, but he single handedly put Boof Bonser out of a job! (What about Boof?!?) And Delmon Young? He's a serial flip-flopper: "I'll catch the ball. I won't catch the ball. I'll hit the ball. I won't ever hit the ball." How do we know the real Delmon Young is here? And I think that Joe Nathan is a secret african pirate who tried to turn Twins Territory into a socialist society where fluttering your lips replaced English as the national language!* I'm Jason Kubel, and I play baseball...vote for me!

*This message paid for by Smirking For America

Jim Hoey

Umm...I'm just gonna leave...

Michael Cuddyer

Sure, I could tell you about the all-star appearance, the charity work, the strong arm in right field, the steady professional hitting, the magic tricks, the ability to play any position Gardy asked me. But I think you're all sick of campaigning, and besides, isn't this enough? [Smiles, a soft *ping* is heard, everyone is happy]

So there you go, the choice is yours Twins fans; cast your votes in the poll (for as many as you like) and we'll photoshop the winning plaques by opening day!

You're Good...But are you Plaque Good?

While voting continues for the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame (see widget at the right), today marks the announcement of the inductees to that OTHER baseball hall of fame: the one that places "accomplishment" and "excellence" above nobler pursuits like "amusing us" and "inspiring goofy photoshops." (Seriously--vote for the most amusing Twins who left the team this last year and do it now!)

Last year the Baseball Hall of Fame enshrined Bert Blyleven (two years after we did, it should be noted), and Bert's special day became a highlight in an otherwise stinktastic Twins season. This warm and fuzzy memory led us to wonder if another Twins legend could get the call and brighten up our summers in the near future.

After all, if the Cubs had four Hall of Famers {Ernie Banks, Ferguson Jenkins, Billy Williams, Ron Santo} on their roster during a period of time where they won absolutely nothing (1966-1971), then you would assume that the Twins might have had two or three serious candidates during a five year span (02-06) of four division titles.

So we did a very un-Peanutly thing and crunched a few numbers (hopefully correctly). Using Baseball-Reference.com's list of all time Wins over Replacement (WAR) leaders, we compared a few favorite Twins to the top 100 Hall of Famers and similar players who haven't been elected to Cooperstown yet. We figured if Wins over Replacement tell you how valuable and effective certain players are, and if the voters for the Hall of Fame become nerdier and more SABR-metric-y in the next decade or so (SPOILER: they will), then comparing our current player's WAR/Season against those of the game's legends should give us a sense of their chances. Here's how a few favorites stack up.

Hall of Fame WAR/Season Average: 4.68; Pitchers--4.68; Hitters--4.46
Non-Inductees WAR/Season Avg.: 3.86; Pitchers 3.86; Hitters--4.04 (subtract admitted/named steroid users and it's 3.86)

Classic Twins

Jim Kaat (1.65) and Tony Oliva (2.83) are frequently mentioned as "could be" inductees who are just waiting on their chums on the veteran's committee to give them the thumbs up. The problem is that both Oliva and Kaat rate below their peers already in the hall on overall WAR, even when you account for Oliva's short peak his per season WAR rates below all but three of the top 100 (Carlton Fisk, Harmon Killebrew and the immortal Bobby Wallace). So, our suggestion is for Kaat and Oliva to bake some cookies, or cakes or coquitos and woo some of their old playing buddies.

Jack Morris (2.18) is perhaps the best pitcher on the ballot this year but after getting a little more than 50% of the vote last year seems unlikely to leap up to the 75% thresh hold for induction. It doesn't help matters that Morris rates below all current hall of famers and a whole bunch of others who will get on the ballot next year. While we love Black Jack for his broadcasting and St. Paul roots and buying a ranch house near my childhood home and for the sheer genius of Game 7 it looks like he might be waiting longer for a call from Cooperstown longer than I waited for a call from the head cheerleader (wait was that a burn on Morris...or me?).

When you look at this year's ballot and realize that Brad Radke (3.14) is on it, you might feel, that time is a fleeting thing. Bradke hasn't been gone that long has he? 5 years, really? Sure enough the Twins' work horse is officially out to pasture and pretty well guaranteed of being chucked from the ballot with little consideration. Sure he's a local favorite and our judgement might cloud our judgement--but is worth noting that he has a better per season WAR over his relatively brief career than Curt Schilling, Tom Glavine and John Smoltz. Of course those guys all have fancy hardware on their mantlepieces and World Series rings on their fingers and Radke, you know, doesn't. (Sorry, Brad)

Current Players, Future Balloteers

While Radke's contributions to our run of success were important, he wasn't at his best then, and indeed some of those who were young and vital to the team are still playing, compiling stats and dreaming of that little Bronze Plaque. 

Hugs make missing the Hall of Fame feel less painful

Torii Hunter (2.12) stuck around for all four of those early division winners as he nears the twilight of his career he's a long way away from enshrinement levels (but he will be a free agent next winter, HINT-HINT). Ditto Joe Nathan (2.01), because while standards for closers are different than for other players, our beloved Dread Pirate will always be known to writers outside of the Midwest as "that really good closer who wasn't Mariano Rivera." Justin Morneau (2.17) is an interesting case because, while he had a stellar three-year-run, he also has been pretty much lost two years in his prime. If he'd been healthy and consistent during that time he might be approaching consideration...as is he seems like a Canadian Roger Maris. (No offense intended to either Morneau or Maris--that would be a good, though somber, three-four combination.)

The real talk has to start with Johan Santana (4.23), you know, that ace pitcher we bade farewell a few years ago--without whom our rotation has never really been the same--not that we're bitter or hold a grudge or anything. With just 11 years in the league Senor Santana has a solid WAR and WAR/Season, he's a little behind the top 100 average but well ahed of the guys who are about to get on the ballot. (Schilling, Glavine, Smoltz, Randy Johnson, etc.) He'll need to come back from shoulder surgery, but if he acquits himself well for the next three or four years he can show off his two Cy Youngs and have a great shot at immortalization (and seriously...no way he goes in with a Mets cap).

But the man we'll most likely be seeing on the walls of Cooperstown with the interlocking TC on his hat is Joseph Patrick Mauer (5.04). Sure there's a lot to be seen as he returns from pneumonia/knee surgery/bilateral leg weakness and hits in the middle of a fairly unprotective line-up and tries to catch and hit and do all those Mauery things, but here's the deal: through 8 seasons Mauer's WAR/Season is better than Johnny Bench, Jimmie Fox, Napolean Lajoie and Mel Ott; just a hair behind Frank Robinsons. Even with a sharp decline in his last two years he should best the Hall Average and be ready to deliver a speech full of scintillating Mauerisms "You know...umm...I'm really glad to...you know...umm...be here with...umm..you know..."(Sorry Joe, we kid because we love!)

Blessings on you my...you know...children

Wish you were here

It's a holiday special post here at Peanuts From Heaven. While this time of the year is normally associated with large shiny objects with big bows on them, we've always more inclined to spend these days  appreciating our loved ones. With both our families in spitting distance from our condo, we have plenty of family to spend the day with: parents can help us reminisce, siblings will goof off with us, and pets will allow us to dress them up in adorable elfin costumes.

As much as we love the family, we peanuts can't help but think about those who aren't around any more.- And after this year as Twins fans there are lots of old favorites who are not around the land of 10,000 lakes. We love our baseball family, and while we know there's little point in reminiscing, we can't help but feel like the right thing to do is share our gratitude for the years of entertainment and amusement that some of our (now former) twins gave us. So, today we'd like to send out our year end thank you cards to those erstwhile members of the Minnesota 9 who now find themselves playing elsewhere.

Dear Jim Thome,

Our thoughts exactly, Delmon

Thank you for being our very own Paul Bunyan slugger. We know you were hoping that we could win the World Series for you  and that didn't come close to happening. But knowing that you'd turn up every day, behave like a pro, and occasionally try out a Minnesota accent makes you awesome. We hope you enjoy Philadelphia (kiss the Liberty Bell for us).


Dear Delmon Young,
Thank you for being the inspiration of one of our earliest gimmicks here at PFH: Supraction. If anyone encapsulated the fine Twins art of accidentally doing something good in a way that left the opponents surprised, distracted and utterly incapable of withstanding our offensive assault, it was you (probably because nobody expected you to do anything impressive...ever). Sure you could be prickily and you ordered your Johnny Walker Blue with 7-Up, but you were ours and for that we're grateful.

Blagheragh

Dear Joe Nathan,
Thank you for the horse flutters, and the arm pumping and the stand up and shout and giving us the feeling that if we could just have the lead after the 8th inning then we should be victorious. It's hard to believe that you're turning in your Lake Calhoun piracy for the chance to eat brisket in Dallas, but we'll wish you well (unless you forget to bring us some brisket when the Rangers come to town)

Dear Kevin Slowey,

Slowey and Mijares at left, after their capture by
a villainous pirate umpire

Thank you for asking out my old co-worker. I'm sorry she turned you down. Thank you for appearing on the Onion. I'm sorry the show was cancelled shortly after your appearance. Best of luck in Colorado, we hope they have more willing single ladies and a greater appreciation of your grisly sense of humor.



Dear Jose Mijares,
Thank you for never suing us for defamation of character despite repeated reference to the whole "Pretty Princess Mijares" character. You're truly an understanding gentleman. Enjoy Kansas City, we have a hunch you'll like the barbecue down there.

Dear Jason Kubel,
Thank you for all your tireless work raising awareness about the "Running is Stupid" campaign. Your power-hitting/slow-trotting around the basepaths was a valuable combination and we hope more of the ground-ball prone rookies in the organization take your lead and swing for the fences. We hope that they savor your smirk in Arizona.


Dear Jim Hoey,
Thank you for...ummm...uhh....thank you for not minding that we can't think of anything to thank you for.


Dear Michael Cuddyer,
Thank you. For the great throws from right field. For the consistent clubhouse leadership. For the powerful bat. For the dimples, and the startling catches, and the clutch hitting, and the willingness to play 2nd base, and 1st, and center, and pitcher. Thank you for magic tricks. Thank you for charity work. Thank you for grit and pluck and pre-game line-up cards. Thank you for being the guy we wanted to see in the batter's box; because you looked so calm, hit so well, and took the team's success so much to heart. Thank you for seeming like the player who would most likely smile bemusedly at our shenanigans. Thank you.

This photoshop is officially retired...*tear*

We've said our thank you's and we meant them all. If you want to thank any of these guys a little more please vote in the poll at the right for the next class of Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Famers (a hall of fame for those who weren't necessarily the best, but were the most entertaining part of a Twins game). You can vote for as many players as you want as many times as you want.

Next week we'll come back with that other part of the holiday season: comparing all the cool stuff/free agents we now have. But for now we hope you savor the holiday whereever you are...and oh yeah, thank you for reading, whomever you are.

Fly Over Country Baseball Pride

Even though we've been unable to watch all of the thrilling game 5 madness the last few days, Stinky and I have been reveling in the Midwest's October Glory.

For once, we don't just mean the fall foliage that dots the landscape of the upper midwest, though--certainly--writing this blog from a coffee shop in a quaint Wisconsin lakeside village, with elms and maples turning orange and golden and faded green in early afternoon light is pretty awesome. No, we mean the fact that our preferred play-off teams all managed to do pretty well. Sure the Rays got bumped off by the Rangers, but everybody else we were rooting for: the Cardinals, the Brewers and the Tigers, pulled out big series wins.

It's nice to know that our cheering for a team does not doom them to suckitude, and nicer still to know that we are blissfully free from three more weeks of "pinstripe mystique" and "four aces of the apocalypse" talk. Sure, some people will talk about low ratings and the fact that very few people beyond the Milwaukee city limits cares about the Brewers, but that misses the point.

The point is that, right now, the best baseball is being played in our neck of the woods. And it's being played by a bunch of guys who used to wear the Twins Blue and Red. So even though Delmon Young will be nursing an oblique through the ALCS, we'll keep chearing for the Tigers and our supractalicious ex-left fielder whose tattoos and glower seem to suit the hardened blue collar edge of the Motor City.

And even though the Cardinals have won more World Series' than any team whose name does not start with a "Y" and end with an "ankees", we'll cheer because there's little Nicky Punto scooping up grounders and flipping them to a glacier sized first baseman between the beer signs and the red brick facades of a classic old stadium in a classic baseball town.

And even though they're our border war neighbors, we'll keep cheering for the Brew Crew and the home run slide and Bob Ueker calling a World Series game, because last night there was our hyperactive ex-centerfielder careening across home plate with a giddy slide and popping up in a fit of glee to "BEAST MODE" it up with the vegetarian first baseman and goofily bearded closer.


Forget the big markets and the big budgets and the big names. Let's keep this ride going on to November! Let's relish the chance to see champagne corks get popped alongside bottles of Bud and buckets of cheese curds and gallons of axel grease. Let's root, root, root for fly over country and the parts of America where fandom isn't written off as a business expense and stars are nurtured over years rather than bought up during the offseason.

It's a great time to love baseball, and a great time to love the midwest. (Luckily for us, we love both!)

Coping with the loss of Pat Neshek

Okay, so if you're a frequent reader of this blog you probably have been wondering: "hey, why haven't the heavenly peanuts written anything in a month? Are they trapped under something heavy like an armoire or a zeppelin?" No gentle reader, we were only trapped under the soul crushing obligations of graduate school; in particular, I was up to my neck in Masters Thesis frooferah. {Long story short: after many revisions, speeches, extra revisions and technological snafus I am a Master of my (intellectual) Domain! This means less with the working, and more with the obsessive Twins following, so win-win!}

I'm also writing today because I was personally surprised at how much a little blurb on ESPN affected me yesterday morning. Quoth the behemoth of sports journalism: "The San Diego Padres have claimed right-hander Pat Neshek off waivers from the Minnesota Twins."

I saw that and my first thought was: "What? No...this has to be some kind of mistake." But sure enough, Sideshow Pat's taking his side-slinging act to southern California. My next thought was: "What the fuchia Twins? Don't let this happen! Stop it!!" Then I thought: "Didn't we get anything for him? A prospect? Some cash?!? Something?" And then, I sighed, remembered that for as much effort as we care about the Twins, Pat might have a better career in an easier league with a team that can play him. Then I smiled at the happy memories and wished him the best. I talked with Stinky through most of my reactions and she had many of the same feelings. I called my mom and she too felt as flabbergasted, confused, but ultimately hopeful for him.

After all this, I realized that I had gone through a minor form of the stages of grief over a baseball player...not a dead one, a traded one...and not a big star, a middle reliever whose best year was 3-4 years ago. I suddenly imagined what some of my non-sports-mad friends would say at my behavior. Sitting around, rolling their eyes, clucking their tongues and saying: "shouldn't you worry about something more important than this?"

So I wonder...is it wrong of me to have so much emotional investment in a ballplayer that I grieve when he leaves my team? He's a professional athlete doing what he loves to do, and he does not know me, or (probably) care who I am and how I feel. I've just written a masters thesis, I need to find a job, there are tsunamis and civil wars and police actions and everything...am I totally nuts to care about Pat Neshek?

Answer: Yes. Yes I am...and what's more, I like being this nuts.

See, I think that our modern society lets us live in our own little bubbles. We plug into our i-pods and walk numbly down the street. We watch cable news personalities who endorse our personal views. We cling to what's ours, guarding our belongings, our personal space, our everything with fierce tenacity.

But if you're a baseball fan, you have to connect with other people, you high-five other random fans at the game and nod your approval when you see someone else walking down the street wearing the right baseball cap. Even players in the game have to rely on each other because no single player can dominate the game. You can't play right field and third base simultaneously. You can't hit a double, then call "ghosties" and knock yourself in. Baseball forces us to rely on each other, and I like that.

And over the long season fans and players grow together, and it feels like we're all buddies or neighbors or second cousins. You learn weird trivia, like that Neshek was a vegetarian who went to Butler University. In my imagination, I could have seen Neshek at any Twin Cities grocery store nodding his approval at a guy in a Twins cap and offering his recipe for picking out a ripe eggplant if you said you were confused. Maybe this wouldn't have happened...but I feel like it's more likely to happen among baseball fans/players than among the rest of the populace at large, and I love that feeling.

I don't want to just think about those things that are "more important" than Pat Neshek getting traded, I want to connect with them. The first word of the tsunami, sent me straight to e-mail to check if my old students were okay. And when a gas main blew up in south Minneapolis last week, right away I thought about who could be near the area and how I could help them if they needed me. I want to be connected to other people, and being a Twins fan makes me feel connected with lots of people, the fans and the pros, and even the guy who just got traded.

I hope Pat Neshek does well, I really do. I hope he gets a major league roster spot, and a condo with a view of the ocean and a vegetable co-op next door, and a couple moreButler Bulldog miracles. I hope everybody gets what would make them happiest in the world. And now that my thesis is done and a return to Minnesota is on the horizon, what would make me happy is having some more people to share it with...my family, my friends, my fellow Twins fans and maybe even Pat Neshek (assuming he finds out I exist).

Friends forever!

As we have long maintained: Torii Hunter is our home boy. Sure he plays for another team now, but he was ours first and no matter what he says to the contrary we know that deep down he'll always want to come back for the deliciousness of Swedish Pancakes and a well harmonized Lutheran Choir.

After all, he is the Obi Wan/Sensei to Denard's Luke Skywalker/Centerfield Ninja. And if you don't believe me I have the photoshops to prove it!

(I know that wasn't really neccessary, but I like photoshops...and I'm always a fan of spicing up the site with pretty pictures)

Anyway now that we have a new stadium we seem to have captured Torii's heart again. I therefore suggest that we invite Torii to hang out until the end of the season, offering to pay for his hitting/fielding services with Swedish pancakes, then everything comes full circle.

Speaking of full circle: I, being a huge mega nerd, started listening to baseball podcasts recently including this, baseball today podcast from ESPN. I'm not a huge fan of sports talk, but I think these guys are pretty good and apparently one of them thinks highly enough of our dear friend Cuddy to have invited him on to talk about the Twins last Thursday (interview starts around 7:50 and explains just how awesome the Twins are). After the interview though the host relates a story that again shows just how unbelievably adorable Michael Cuddyer is (that starts at 15:08)

So enjoy Saturday and marvel at the cuteness that is Michael Cuddyer.

Congratulations and moment of silence

I realize that today is now double-posted, but a couple of things have happened that I thought I should mention:

1) Congratulations to former Twin Shrek I mean David Ortiz on winning the homerun derby! He's not my Canadian Hot-Pants fiance but he's close enough (p.s. now that I have an actual fiance, maybe I should stop refering to Justin Morneau as my betrothed...? Maybe...?)

2) I'm sure if you've read the news recently, you heard that George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, passed away this morning from a massive heart attack. Given that most of my knowledge of Steinbrenner comes from two sources - the book "The Devil Wears Pinstripes" and the ESPN miniseries "Summer of '79" - I'm not exactly the best source for actual facts or unbiased opinions, but I thought I should say a little something.

For as much as we've made fun of the man here at PFH, there's no denying that he has been one of the most influential club owners of all time. Whether you loved him or hated him, you were sure to have an opinion. Steinbrenner oversaw the launch of the all-Yankees TV network (whether you like it or not, a game-changing innovation in revenue streams for ball clubs), hired and then fired his own manager umpteen billion times and won approximately 85 world series titles. OK, most of these are exaggerations, but the fact remains - Steinbrenner was a giant in baseball, and now he is gone.

RIP, George Steinbrenner. Your empire lives on.

No Country for Old Men

Not a great day for former Twins.

First Doug Mentkeiwitcz. Then Jacque Jones. And finally, Christian GOOOOOOOOOOOZMAN!

Bit by little bit those few, those happy few, that band of scrappy brothers known as the Twins Revival Team have fallen by the wayside. Sure there's the odd hanger on (though David Ortiz may not have much left, and JC Romero's got steroid problems and even AJ's job is threatened by another punk kid) and even a few still thriving (see: Hunter, Torii/Santana, Johan), but these guys remind us that it's a very short life at the top. You get a couple years to do some great things, then a life time to reminisce.

These were the guys who made the Twins the hot ticket in Minnesota again. And while there was a short span there where all three Twin Cities teams had a shot...the Twins survived, and thrived, and while you can credit shrewd management, a brilliant farm system and a manager with potentially magical powers, some credit must go to these guys. To Douggy M., to Goozy and AJ and the Soul Patrol (not to mention the Pole Patrol) we raise our glasses.

One for us. And One for our Homies.

Something old, something new...

This is it. After months of reading pointless commentaries by baseball pundits, after days and days of no news but Scott Boras' latest ransom demands for major league talent, after the weeks of winter finally, at long last, baseball is in the air again.

Last week the other 29 teams in baseball turned up in their training complexes, began trading stories of fishing trips and bar hopping escapades, and this week the coolest team in baseball (the one whose name starts with an "M" and ends in an "-innesota Twins") arrives in Fort Meyers to start pitching, catching, and feeling the warm rays of Floridian weather before returning to what the Twin Cities laughingly refers to as "April".

We've kept a steady eye on the news outlets gathering all manner of information, and though our time in graduate school has precluded us from posting as often as we would have liked to, not posting did allow us to, you know, learn things. But before everyone arrives we'd like to take a moment and say a "Hi, hello," to the newest members of the Twins family.

First, the former Milwaukee Brewers short stop and Betsy, Katie, and pretty much every lady Twins' fans favorite new piece of eye-candy JJ Hardy. To be sure, JJ offers better hitting than most of our recent short stops...but we'd rather focus on his ability to offer unparalleled mystery solving abilities (as is evidenced by the series of novels based on his childhood)

Second, JJ's new double play partner, Orlando Hudson, whose arrival caused Twins fans excitement to reach a high not felt since he of the Radiant Sideburns first arose to the Major Leagues. Best of all, we here at Peanuts from Heaven get to reuse two of our favorite nicknames from last season which we had thought would fall into desuetude with the departure of Orlando Cabrera. Lucky us: two

seasons, two Orlando's (question: did either Orlando's mother name an older son "Oliver", if so, Shakesfan would be most impressed)

Finally, there's Ol' Smokey. You remember him, the guy who tormented us, destroyed us, ravaged our hopes and left them crumbled like the dusty remnants at the bottom of a box of Cheeze Its? Well, now he's on our side...which, I guess makes our team Sawyer to Jim Thome's Faux-Locke (or Flocke, as we might like to call him)

Yet, all the elation at these three arrivals is tempered by the fact that it came at a hefty price. Namely, the one, the only, THE Carlos Gomez. He has, throughout the past two seasons, inspired us to call him a super villain, a cranky pants, a Ringo Starr body double, and a Velociraptor. He talked to his bats, he screamed in primal fury, he leapt, he dove, he refused to take a pitch. He is, without doubt one of the most entertaining players we have ever seen. And while we wish him well in Milwaukee (Algonquin for the Good Land, don't ya know) we have chosen to honor the memory of Carlos Gomez by making him the second member of the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame.

Good night sweet prince wherever you are, and good morning new princes. Glad you're on our side at last.

Calling in a Favor

Dear Torii Hunter,

We are very very very sorry for your losses. We know that the Yankees are A-holes, D-Bags and Q-berts. We experienced it first hand, and we know you are experiencing that now, and we know that there are few things worse than watching a bunch of multimillionare's smugly celebrate their "triumph" over those of us who make do with less.

Don't cry Torii, so what if A-Rod is suddenly really really good in the postseason? So what if the last time a big-name player who had struggled intensely in the postseason "suddenly" figured out how to hit was Barry Bonds in 2002? So what if I made a totally unsubstantiated allusion to steroid use? You are Torii freakin' Hunter. You smile and distant planets feel the warm glow.

Torii, I don't ask for much, just, please don't let them walk over our entire league, please don't let them continue them do to the American League what the tank did to that poor guy in Tinamen Square. DO NOT LET THE YANKEES REDUCE ALL BASEBALL FANS TO IRRATIONAL HATRED AND HYPERBOLIC EQUIVALENCES!! (I mean...who would liken the defeat of a few millionares at the hands of a few other millionaires to peaceful protests in China...whoever that person is, they are suffering from acute craziness. SAVE THEIR BRAINS TORII!!)

Why am I writing to you Torii, because, let's face it, the National League kinda stinks a little bit, and doesn't have quite the same chance to derail the Yankpires as you do. Also because Minnesota is still secretly in love with you. But sshhh, don't tell yourself.

Perhaps I'm getting delirious, perhaps I'm totally incoherent, all I know is this. Torii, you're a great guy, and the Yankees, the Yankees are not...ergo, Torii you should win, and they should lose.

Please Torii-won Kenobi, You are our only hope.

Love,

Peanuts from Heven

Let's Give a Cheer for Goodness and Light

I'll be at the Detroit airport during tonight's game, and with each passing second I can feel my will to research the potential positive impact constructivist drama education can have on intercultural competency waning...waning...gone...

Sure it'll be hard, the guys in Detroit will hate me for depriving them of this postseason berth, the announcers will gush and goo over the Yankees like they were their little boo-boo angel pie, and--lest we forget--our boys in blue actually have to, ya know, PLAY the Yankees.

But c'mon, let's not give up yet, let's band together, let's make a pact that no matter how this series goes we will always and forever root for the forces of goodness and light. (A team sorely in need of some support this postseason)

5 Post season games so far, 2 wins for Goodnesss and Light. The Rockies, and my dear pals the Mann Clan, got a game back yesterday against the Phillies (who aren't really bad, but won just last year--so...no more sympathy for you), but the Cardinals dropped a heart breaker and our buddy Albert Panthro Pujols needs some love.

But, there is hope, there is Torii...sweet Torii...lovable Torii...indomitable Minnesota Waffle House Fan Torii--we know that he hearts SoCal now, but Torii, please, remember us and all the fun times we had? We love you Tor-double i, keep up the awesomeness (and send some of it our way)

No more with the mammoth payrolls and the sense of entitlement, no more with the ego-trippin', steroid-poppin', fat-wallet-draggin' teams from Boston, New York and LA (the bad part of LA). Lets go Rocks, Lets go Cards, Let's go Angels, and Let's go Twins!

And.......we're back

Okay. Long story, simple solution:

All the greatness, awesomeness, dare I say: unfathomable brilliance of Peanuts from Heaven is available at our new website http://heavenlypeanuts.blogspot.com.

Which you should already know if you're reading this blog--because it's only available on the aforementioned website.

Now to the most important thing in the world: Baseball. A world wide battle, encompassing the whole world: even Antarctica, and especially the political debate. It's so important that Barak Obama wants the Rays AND the Phillies to win; while John McCain wants whichever team Joe the Plumber plays for to win.

Meanwhile, the Fox Network wants Tropicana field to cave in upon itself, both teams to be crushed within, and the Dodgers and Red Sox rewarded the chance to play in another World Series...preferably one to be held in December...after their prime time schedule works itself out.

As for us: the now, heavenly peanut-esque authors. We are currently undecided: should we root for the share-the-wealth-poorly-paid, youthful but inexperienced, blue-mohawked, messiahs of change? Or the crusty-old franchise, full of veteran wisdom and experience but with lingering health issues?*

If only it was that simple. But here's our hope. Now that we're back we can get back to baseball, playoff baseball, awesome baseball. Let me reiterate that Rays/Phillies: WE WANT AWESOME BASEBALL! (No sweep, no five gamers, lets do seven...and let's do it right)

So here's to you Ryan Howard and your love of Philly Cheese Steaks. And you Evan Longoria and your redoubtable power. And you Jamie Moyer and your ageless arm of wonder. And you Matt Garza and your hipster goatee (sorry that it's not working it's magic for us). CHEERS TO BASEBALL!

*Peanuts from Heaven does not endorse any candidate for the presidential election...except Joe Mauer...MAUER '08!!

Distraction (NOT Supraction...maybe)

Yesterday I went to the new ballpark in Washington, DC to watch the Nationals lose (I assumed) to the Padres. I went in with three goals: 1) to get a chili dog from Ben's Chili Bowl 2) to yell GOOOOOOZ as loud as possible whenever Guzman was at the plate, and 3) try not to be constantly distracted by game four of the Twins vs. Tampa.

As far as 1) is concerned: this was easily accomplished. I went during the first inning while the line was still short and got myself a delicious chili dog. Mmmm... a long tube of god-only-knows-what meat, covered beans, some sort of sauce that may or may not have tomatoes in it, and chunks of possibly even more ambiguous meat, and then finally topped with cheese. I'm pretty sure that everything in this meal could kill me eventually, but it tastes like sweet sweet heaven. One thing I hope will happen when we move to Target Field is that there will be a better variety of foods that could kill me. While I was waiting in line I texted Smelly a few times and watched the Padres score their first 2 runs...in the first 5 minutes of the game.

As far as 2) is concerned: this was slightly more difficult since Gooz had the day off. They did however bring him in to pinch hit in the 9th. They were down 6-1 at that point, and as awesome as Gooz is I'm pretty sure he's not capable of scoring 6 runs by himself, so it was a pretty ineffective move. It did give me the chance to yell GOOOOOOOOOOZ!!! though, and embarassing Matt is always high on my priority list.

As for 3): I failed miserably. I would have been distracted anyways, knowing the Twins were eving playing... compounding the difficulty of my situation was the detailed scoreboard above the visitors dugout. It was pretty and shiny. It also showed not only the inning and the score, but also the bases. Thus, I spent the whole game obsessively watching little yellow and white squares, waiting for the yellows to advance the bases. It was just enough information to make me totally frustrated, because while I could see we had men on 2nd and 3rd, I kept wondering, "Who are these mysterious yellow squares? Who's at bat? What's the pitch count? Who's pitching??? How many Outs???? SHOW ME SOMETHING, ANYTHING AT ALL!!!"

...and then I would look at the scoreboard for the game I was actually at, see that the Nationals were still losing, and go back to staring obsessively that the little squares on the scoreboard.

The Twins won. The Nationals lost, so in my list of pros/cons for remaining a Twins fan when/if I move to DC, I have this small fact: Twins - 1. National's - 0.

Across Enemy Lines

Hi friends,

Unfortunately, having a significant other who lives in another state does interfere occasionally with my ability to report on Twins games - I'm afraid this weekend is going to be one of those times. It's really too bad because after last night this promises to be an interesting series, full of hijinks and SupractionTM and photoshopping opportunities galore.However, I may have the opportunity to do some real live reporting from the new National's stadium! Excitement ensues.

Disclaimer: Wth the exception of this guy, I don't really give a crap about the Washington National's. They are like celery - bland and uninteresting, but with a distinct enough flavor to make me wrinkle my nose and go "huh". You can tell they're there, you just don't care that much. (Sorry Matt.....)

So I think most of my reporting will center on the ways in which the Nat's are clearly inferior to the Minnesota Twins...which um, shouldn't be that hard to do. And maybe, just for old time's sake, I'll yell "GUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZ!" Because that's fun.

Waxing Nostalgic

OMG!!!!
When I went to Twins games back in college, my friend Dave and I made our own fun in the 9th inning by counting the number of times Eddie Guardado touched his balls (not baseballs. The other ones). I think we once reached 50.

Now, a whole new generation of Twins fans will get to discover this joyous pastime, and people like me can relive the fun!

Conspiracy Theory part Deux

Peanuts from Heaven operatives have learned the following shocking secret:

Yesterday, before the rest of the team arrived, ex-Twins outfielder Torii Hunter was discovered by Right Fielder/Torii-Hunter-in-Training Denard Span in the Twins clubhouse. Hunter was curled in the fetal position with the big screen tv fizzling and his special "I Heart the Twins" blanket clutched in his right hand.

"Torii...?" Denard asked softly, shaking Hunter gently by the shoulder.

"uhnh, nhuhn, NO LOCKE DON'T TRUST BEN LINUS!! Oh...uh...hey Denard."

"Torii, what are you doing here?"

"I was watching Lost again."

"How long have you been here?"

"I came down here after y'all left. I kinda wanted to see if Nicky P. would give me a little cash for missing that catch."

"Did you do that on purpose?"

"Not on purpose. But...I mean...when I was running for it, I thought about the old days when Nicky P and I would run through the fields of Minnesota, laughing, skipping, jumping about and whatnot. Then I leapt and thought about how I taught you to jump any time you could...just because it feels good y'know?"

"Is that my teddy bear boo-boo?"

"I GAVE HIM TO YOU!! You've got to share Denard!! I can still teach you so much young paduwan..."

"Torii..."

"Always swing away on 3-1, there's no downside!"

"Torii..."

"Sawyer's not really a big jerk, he just acts that way to keep Kate interested in him!"

"Torii..."

"BANANAS ARE A GOOD SOURCE OF POTASSIUM!!"

"TORII! It's okay man...you're always going to be a Twin...you're always going to be my sensei...you're always going to be someone we love. We know you've got a new team, and sometimes seeing old loves is hard...but whether we win or lose these games, we'll always love seeing you."

Torii smiled then, his trademark beaming grin looking into the face of his protege, all grown up...

"Shane Loux's slider sucks."

"Okay, Torii, I'll look out for it."

"Wanna watch another Episode?!"

"Sure Torii...sure..."

Conspiracy Theory

I refer you to #1 in Smelly's "Reasons we should rain down polite critiques and subtle suggestions on the Angels, like Enid the Goddess of Passive Agressive Behavior" explaination.

Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, as he missed a game-deciding catch, that Torii hunter looked over at little Nicky Punto, said "....oopsie!" and then gave him a big wink?

...no. Of course it isn't possible. He just missed the catch. But hey, a girl can dream right?

Happy Trails to You....

MORNEAU: Hey Joe, are you ready?
MAUER: *zips up duffel bag* Yep, all set. Man I can't believe we're going to be away for this long... At least we get to carpool! We can play fun road games, and do Mad Libs.
SPAN: Ooooh I love mad libs.
MAUER: Hey what's that in your bag? Is that.... a fluffy teddy bear?
SPAN: *shoves bear's head back in bag and quickly zips it shut* Hey you keep your opinions to yourself man.
MORNEAU: We're not judging... Hey where is little Nicky Punto? As soon as he gets here we can leave...
PUNTO: *huffing and puffing, hauling giant suitcase* Right here guys! Woooo let's hit the trail! LAMB: Weeee-higgerty! Time to hit the old dusty trail!
MAUER: No way dude, you're staying home. Someone has to chase the cyotes away. Jebus Nicky, that's the biggest suitcase I've ever seen. It's bigger than you are!
PUNTO: *shrugs* A guy's gotta have several pairs of shoes for an occasion like this.
MORNEAU: Well anyways, let's go. We'll just have to put Nicky's suitcase on top of Brendan Harris. We can't keep our buddy in LA waiting too long.
HARRIS: *look of extreme fear in eyes* ************************************************************
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
************************************************************
*Our friends pull up to a large, awesome-looking house in LA. Torii Hunter runs out to greet them*
TORII HUNTER: Hey guys, you made it!!! *gives Justin, Joe, and Nick big hugs*
BRENDAN HARRIS: Hi!!!!!!!!!! *gives Torii a huge bear hug*
TORII: Uh I don't even know you.
HARRIS: Right. Nobody does... *sigh*
MAUER: Man, we really miss you... we miss making fun of your girl-name, and the way you always crashed so gracefully into the wall and then got hauled out on a stretcher...but mostly, we miss your beautiful smile... I miss you almost as much as I miss patting Johan on the behind. TORII: *sad face* I miss you too, guys...which is why...it's too bad that now I have to destroy you.
ALL: ...huh?
TORII: I play for the Angels now. We have the best record in all of Major League Baseball, as of last night. It breaks my heart but I can't let you leave here alive. *whips out light saber*
ALL: AAAHHH!!!
*suddenly out of nowhere appears Delmon Young!*
YOUNG: DAHA!!! Supraction(TM)!!!!!!!!!
TORII: Woa!!! Where'd he .... how did.... a;slefkjqpo23ra;ldfkj!!!!

.......TO BE CONTINUED!!!

How will it end? Will our beloved Twinkies be destroyed on their journey, or will Delmon Young's SUPRACTION(TM) (or maybe Denard Span's ability to actually hit the ball and get on base) vanquish the Angels and their deadly Light Sabers once and for all? STAY TUNED!!!