The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat that Matters (Pt. 3: The Pitchers and Staff)

This is the first in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, then we used it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers and staff members.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

Few areas of the Twins organization were as woebegone and bedraggled as the pitching staff. For the third straight year the rotation was abominable, the ERA's were up and the bullpen was overtaxed. Criticizing the pitching staff has passed "going to the lake" and "enjoying three days without storm windows" in top summer pastimes in Minnesota.

Alongside the pitching staff, the front office and managerial staff of the Twins has been similarly critiqued by everyone from my grandma to new born infants. Whether it's Ron Gardenhire's exhausted answers at post-game press conferences, Terry Ryan's intransigence with free agents, or Jim Pohlad's perceived salary dump midseason, the only thing less popular than a Twins pitcher is a Twins executive.

But surely, they aren't all that bad! With that I present a break down of the Twins Pitchers and Staff by AARP.

Vance Worley
Play: Let's keep this simple: Vance Worley stank.  -1.2
Nickname: "Vanimal" is still a pretty solid nickname, even if it captures more of his erratic, irresponsible, total uncontrollable nature 0.5
Traits: Faux-hawk is at least some kind of style 0.3
Demeanor: Given how little time he spent at the big league level, it's hard to tell -0.1
Oddities: A little bit punk, a little bit of quirky history, a whole lot of awkward silence 0.2
AARP: -0.3

Liam Hendricks

Play: The Aussie had the best winning percentage of his career...it was 1-3 and came along with an absurdly high ERA and WHIP, but still! -0.4
Nickname: I don't think "Crocodile Hendree" is going to work, but it's better than nothing 0.1
Traits: He's Australian!! And apparently the accent is catnip to lady Twins fans 0.7
Demeanor: He seems like a nice enough guy, but also a terribly self defeated one -0.2
Oddities: Again, he's AUSTRALIAN!! 0.1
AARP: 0.3

Brian Duensing

Play: Now that he doesn't have to face a line up more than once, Duensing is more frequently effective, especially against lefties...except for all the times he's not 0.3

Nickname: Twins Centric calls him "The Duenslinger" I prefer "You Make me Feel Like Duensing!", they're long ways to go for a joke...but I'm amused by it. 0.3
Traits: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much to set him apart -0.1
Demeanor: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much obvious attitude -0.1
Oddities: He was in line to be a high school English teacher, so I like him; and he did out perform fellow Husker Joba Chamberlain, so that's a plus 0.2
AARP: 0.6

Kevin Correia
Play: Our pre-season designated scapegoat actually turned out to be our most consistent and reliable starter...which says a lot...sadly 0.5

Nickname: He couldn't really live up to scape goat status or win any new ones -0.2
Traits: Despite going the whole season with us, I kept forgetting he was due to pitch 0.0
Demeanor: Durable, willing to keep trying even when he's pitching for the Twins 0.2
Oddities: He wasn't totally awful, which qualifies as odd in Twins Territory 0.1
AARP: 0.6

Anthony Swarzak

Play: He came through with one of his best seasons ever, thank god for long relief 0.6

Nickname: We're staying satisfied with calling him the Swarzak duck...god I need better pitcher nicknames 0.1
Traits: He was once suspended for pot... 0.1
Demeanor: A strong armed reliever...like all our strong armed relievers -0.1
Oddities: Pretty much just the pot thing... 0.1
AARP: 0.8


Glen Perkins

Play: In his first all-star season, Perkins was far and away the best pitcher on the staff...if only he was still a starter 1.4
Nickname: "Perky" "Perk-Dogg" "Perkins Pancake Special" "Dread Pirate Joe Nathan (because the real Dread Pirate Nathan retired to Texas a little while ago) -0.2
Traits: Minnesota born and bred, and looks like it 0.2
Demeanor: Steady and sure on the mound and in interviews, a nice combination after our recent...unpleasantness 0.9
Oddities: Uses SABR-metrics to study his own work 0.3
AARP: 2.4

Samuel Deduno

Play: Despite an injury that delayed the start of his season, Deduno performed well when he started his season--or as well as a crazily inconsistent Deduno can 0.8

Nickname: "It's Not Delivery, It's Deduno" and "Samuel De-dude-bro"; If only something summarized how wild he can get 0.4
Traits: Permanently grizzled, but with a body the width of a tooth pick  0.3
Demeanor: Willingly goes cuckoo banana pants when he pitches well  1.1
Oddities: Wild as he is, Deduno is apparently the last best Dominican pitcher left in the bigs  0.6
AARP: 3.2

Ron Gardenhire

Performance: Helped the team overachieve in the spring and underachieve in the fall 0.3

Nickname: "Gardy" "The Unhappy Gnome" 0.4
Traits: Fuzzy, scruffy, as rosy cheeked as Santa with none of the sanity 0.4
Demeanor: Either heavily sedated or in a rage 0.2
Oddities: Ended the year 2 wins short of 1,000; leads current managers in ejections; does tend to use "y" or "ie" in lieu of a nickname: ex. Doumsy, Perky, Benny, Baracky 0.3
AARP: 1.6

Terry Ryan

Performance: Much as we love Terry Ryan and drink his Kool Aid, his inability/disinterest in finding starting pitchers is a little grating 0.1
Nickname: TR, Ol' Bluff and Ready -0.2
Traits: Totally bald, I sometimes wonder if he wears sunglasses to avoid too much reflection from his head 0.0
Demeanor: "Placid" is an understatement, more like "perpetually dormant" 0.0
Oddities: Has a fondness for dressing up and going on Let's Make a Deal...at least in my imagination 0.1
AARP: 0.0

Jim Pohlad

Performance: A hands off owner, it doesn't really matter much 0.0
Nickname: "Mr Money Bags Jr." -0.1
Traits: None noticed 0.0
Demeanor: Mostly calm, slightly irritated by the teams failures...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.1
Oddities: None...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.0
AARP: 0.0

Put it all together and you have a pitching staff that's as hard to appreciate as players, and even harder to appreciate as fan favorites. Please, let there be a quirky pitcher out there somewhere...anywhere...

Wha Happened #10 (@ Marlins, V.s. Royals, Yankees + Vacation)

We Peanuts will be on vacation in Merry-Old England and Crabby-Old Scotland for the next two weeks.

Game 75
Marlins 4 - Twins 2
After being welcomed to Miami by Will Smith the Twins spend the next day in a haze of scantily clad women and mildly mischievous lyrics, leaving them unable to concentrate at Marlins Park.

Will Smith - Miami from moezechief on Vimeo.

Game 76
Marlins 5 - Twins 3
The Twins have a good deal of early success against Miami's starter in the first inning, they run into trouble against Kevin "Killthrow" Slowey, who savored the opportunity to best the team that let him go. Elsewhere "Dr. Cakeburn" Nick Blackburn, and Boof Bonser plotted their revenges as part of the Legion of Pitching Doom.

Game 77
Twins 3 - Royals 1
The Twins had a lead, but it all looked like it would be for not as the Royals started to find their swing...and that's when Samuel Deduno turned his whole persona up a notch.

"Yo Moustakas, what's greek for better than you: DEDUNO!! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"You know David...your name makes me think...but your swing makes me Lough! HAHAHAHA!! Am I right Bros, am I right?...I'm right."
"Oh, and Eliot Johnson, is it? Say hello to my little friend...his name's Pedro Florimon: KA BOOM!!"

Such was the bro-i-tude of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. It may be obnoxious, but it's in our interest.

Game 78
Royals 9 - Twins 3
Following the previous nights victory, Chairman Joe Mauer (he whose sideburns prompt the moss to grow on trees and whose knees bend into a crouch as the corn stalks droop with their bounty) announced that he would forgo getting hits throughout the series as a sign of his generosity to Kansas City.

"You know, umm...they've had a hard time lately, but ahhh...you know I think they'd really appreciate a little support in their time of need and you know....ummm...hopefully this reminds them that their bourgeois monarchy is a paltry shadow of its former greatness and that they would be better served in a Twins-Territory style dictatorsh--I mean democracy........ya know"

It did not work.

Game 79
Twins 6 - Royals 2
It was a big night as Twins' blogosphere's favorite pitching prospect--Kyle Gibson--made his debut as Kyle Gibson in Kyle Gibson's Twins Debut: Starring Kyle Gibson!! Fortunately Kyle Gibson perfectly embodied the Kyle Gibson-ness of Kyle Gibson by Kyle Gibsoning the Kyle Gibson all over the Kyle Gibson.

Also the Twins won.

Plus! Kyle Gibson

Game 80
Royals 9 - Twins 8
Once upon a time (back in a dark and gloomy age I like to call: 2011) The Twins were prone to face difficult situations and crawl into a little cave of sadness and despair. If they were going to lose it seemed, they might as well lose with their eyes clenched shut and walked real slow and dreamt about an offseason trip to St. Barths.

Sunday, the writing was on the wall. The Twins had a lead and lost it. Every time the Twins got close the Royals came back...but instead of going to their cave of sadness and despair, the Twins kept trying. Showing that even in the face of defeat, they insist on putting forward their best effort.

But they lost. And across the plain those who refuse to enjoy anything shouted: STUPID TWINS! Trying's for chumps!!

Game 81
Yankees 10 - Twins 4
Stupid Yankees.

With the Twins clinging to a one run lead in the 8th Jared Burton entered and then this happened to every Twins fan, Gardy and Burton himself

Also: Stupid Yankees.

Game 82
Yankees 7 - Twins 3
Damn Yankees.

For many years now we have subscribed to the belief that the Yankees are secretly Vampires who leech off of easily duped New York Fans, depriving them of money, human decency and blood to fund the expansion of their empire by turning good baseball players into vampires (and as a result, great baseball players).

You may scoff, but which is more likely: one team making all the right moves for 100 years, or the existence of vampires? (Admit it, it's vampires)

With the injuries and debilitations that have knocked many of the most prestigious Yankpires (your Jeters/A-Rods/Texerias/Grandersons) the Yankees owner-who-shall-not-be-named opted to sign a slew of players, and turn them all into vampires. So it's less like fighting off a single diabolical count (as in Dracula), and more like fighting off a horde of them (as in Underworld or Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

So it was that the Twins succumbed to the death by a thousand-piddly-Yankpire-nibbles

Also: Damn Yankees.

Game 83
Yankees 3 - Twins 2
Seriously, Yankees? Seriously?

You know it's not a good sign when the entire row of people your sitting with gets a little anxious in the fifth (when PJ Walters starts to get hit hard by the bottom of the order).

It's worse when the row of people goes "what's he still doing out there" at the beginning of the sixth.

And it's the worst when there are quickly two men on, first base open and Robinson "I Eat Twins Pitching for Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and my Tea Time Snack" Cano at the plate...and your faltering pitcher throws to him. (Because that's the moment the entire section of people you're sitting with puts their heads down and just waits for the inevitable boom)

Ballpark Food Haiku

Kramarczek's bratwurst

Plopping mustard, sauerkraut

Out of syllables

Also: SERIOUSLY?

Game 84
Yankees 9 - Twins 5
Oh...god...[sighs, shakes head]...Yankees.

After the first three games, the Twins set slightly lower expectations for their July 4th matinee against the Bronx bombers.
*Objective 1: Kyle Gibson retires future hall of gamer Ichiro Suzuki 1 time! (DONE!!--after two hits and a run...but still...HE DID IT!!)
*Objective 2: Avoid squandering bases loaded opportunities (DONE!!--We only squandered opportunities with two runners on! YAY!)
*Objective 3: Deliver elbow pounds to Justin Morneau (HUZZAH...there was even a reason for doing it!)

Meanwhile, in an alternate reality, our founding fathers set similarly low expectations for their July 4th matinee 237 years ago.
*Objective 1: Declare a couple of ideas to sort of be kind of interesting.
*Objective 2: Address the tyrannical reign of King George the III by passive aggressively not signing or including any kind of personal message inside Ye Olde Hallmarke Carde.
*Objective 3: Only let Ben Franklin drink 13 pints of ale, instead of his customary 15.
...of course in that alternate reality the Minnesota Twins lost their Major League Cricket game to the New York Georges 720 to 15 (but Justin Morneau did hit two sixes...so that was nice...)

Ballpark Food Haiku

Sweet and tangy Pork

Deep Fried Pie and a Ginger

Tastes like freedom, natch.

Finally: SERIOUSLY?!? I mean....SERIOUSLY!?

Mr Peanut: TIE! Justin Morneau and Caleb Theilbar! (One's back in form, the other's never lost it!)
Nutty Buddy: Jared Burton (Come on beardy...let's get it going)

Wha' Happened #8 (@ Kansas City & Washington, v.s. Philadelphia & Detroit)

Look out ladies!

Game 57
Twins 3 - Royals 0
Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can.

Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies...

Game 58
Royals 4 - Twins 1
In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone]

Game 59
Royals 7 - Twins 3
I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!!


Game 60
(Rained out)
There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured)

Game 61
Twins 4- Nationals 3
I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished.

Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog

Preparation, Expectation, Joy

Oh, it's still just a hot dog

like laws, don't show me.

Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out)
Nationals 7 - Twins 0
The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. :( "

Game 62
Nationals 5 - Twins 4
This series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez).

But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to.

does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well"

Game 63
Twins 3 - Phillies 2


Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping])

Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo.

Game 64
Twins 4 - Phillies 3
The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song.

Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits.

BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles

Soft and subtle meat

Fresh veggies singing for you

Wow...that price is right

Game 65
Phillies 3 - Twins 2
Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again).

Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night).

This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts.

Game 66
Tigers 4 - Twins 0
Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said.

Game 67
Twins 6 - Tigers 3

Annabelle Sanchez

The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary.

Dear Diary,
Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so!  I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary!

Annabelle

This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session.

Game 68
Tigers 5 - Twins 2
The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister.

Unimpressed.

A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players
"Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
"No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes."
etc.

P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun!

Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!)
Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

Wha' Happened #7 (V.s. Boston; @ Atlanta, Detroit & Milwaukee; V.s. Milwaukee & Seattle)

There was agony during the last two weeks of Twins baseball (including 7 straight losses to run a losing streak to 10) and ecstasy (including winning 6 of their last 7). The season continues tonight in Kansas City, but before you see that game, let's review what happened in the last few weeks.

Game 40
Red Sox 3 - Twins 2
Remember about a month ago, when we went into Boston and dominated the Red Sox to win 3 of 4? Turns out they didn't like that very much. And brought a rather curt "Don't Mess With Boston" attitude back to the Twin Cities.

Game 41
Red Sox 15  - Twins 2
Make that very curt.

Game 42
Red Sox 5 - Twins 1
Yup...Boston...don't mess with it...we get the message.

Game 43
Braves 5 - Twins 1
Hitting the road again, the Twins returned to Atlanta for the first time since the 1991 World Series. In a sign of true southern hospitality Braves fans' loudly and persistently whined about how Kent Hrbek's "T-Rex Tag" play in Game 2 stole the World Series from them (leaving aside the missed opportunities in the rest of that game and when they failed to clinch in Games 6 or 7).

So dumbfounded were the Twins and Kevin Correia (who only remembers loving Zubas in 1991) that they promptly lost the game.

You stay classy Braves...

Game 44
Braves 5 - Twins 4
Did you realize the Braves' still do the "Tomahawk Chop"...I mean...really...really? Really...Just yikes. I can only assume the Twins team was all so mad about that, that they couldn't focus on the game...and lost again.

Game 45
Braves 8 - Twins 3
Interesting factoid! Several of the Twins are avid students of history including Vance Worley. When he realized he would get to pitch in Atlanta, the final destination for General Sherman's march to the sea during the Civil War, Worley practically exploded with joy: "It's awesome! All that history! the end of the campaign that crippled the rebel forces! We should celebrate guys! We should...We should....WE SHOULD BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!"

Hearing this, Aaron Hicks made a simple suggestion: "You mean, play well, hit a couple homers and break our losing streak?"

Worley replied: "No! Let's keep this losing streak burning! Let's go down in a fiery blaze of glorious death! 8 RUNS IN THE FOUR INNINGS! HERE WE GO!!!"

Burn it down they did...and nowVance Worley will be able to continue his study of history in Rochester...hopefully he doesn't try to get to the ballpark by building an underground railroad...

Prince Fielder
Eater of Souls

Game 46
Tigers 6 - Twins 5
Trying to end their week plus schnide, Josh Willingham entered Comerica Park and proclaimed: "BY THE POWER OF ASGAARD, WE SHALL NOT LOSE AGAIN**" [Note that he punctuated his claim not with exclamation points but with a pair of home runs.]

However, Jared Burton does not believe in the Willinghammer or Norse Mythology (he prefers Celtic Lore, after all). And after ceding a double to tie the game, he was doomed when Prince Fielder announced: "BY THE POWER OF TOFURKEY, WE SHALL NOT LOSE!"

For those keeping score at home, it appears Tofurkey > Asgaard.

Game 47
Tigers 6 - Twins 0
At last! We were all able to witness the return of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. Who seemed so cool in the World Baseabll Classic, like he'd never ever hurt us...then came the second inning...and the third inning...and then the Twins were helpless against Anibal Sanchez and we lost our 10th game in a row.

Meanwhile, in the mind of Bert Blyleven, who insists on calling Sanchez "Anna-belle" the Tigers pitcher followed each strike out and inning-ending escape by fluttering her glove in front of her face and saying "I do declare!! These Minnesotans are terribly droll aren't they Colonel?" Presumably at some point Jim Leyland spat tobacco in front of Annabelle and she proclaimed "dear me! how terribly uncouth, Colonel! Behavior like that is simply intolerable!" Then Anna-belle huffily sat in a corner plotting our downfall and the resurrection of her Peach plantation. This concludes another installment of "The Anna-belle Sanchez Diaries" by Bert Aalbert Blyleven.

Game 48
Twins 3 - Tigers 2
True story, I didn't realize the Twins were playing the afternoon until the 7th when I told my wife Stinky aka Mrs. Peanut that we had a lead. Her response: "yeah...I'm not holding my breath". A good choice because we needed another hour to win the game. Sure we were happy to win a game for the first time in over a week, but I was happier still that my wife didn't pass out trying to prove a point.

Game 49
Tigers 6 - Twins 1
Ben Franklin once said: "guests and fish start to stink after three days", were he alive today he would likely say: "guests and fish start to stink after three days; Mike Pelfrey starts to stink three pitches after people think he might get through the sixth inning".

Game 50
Twins 6 - Brewers 3
On Memorial Day, our great and noble leader Chairman Joseph Mauer paid homage to the fallen by providing his own epic parade of run scoring. For as long as Minnesotans have toiled in the fields and the factories, the Chairman has watched and sought to repay that greatness with greatness of his own. So it was that each time the Chairman reached base he proceeded to circle all the bases with his customary precision and clarity of purpose to bring honor to Twins Territory.

Game 51
Twins 6 - Brewers 5
The annual Twins/Brewers sleep over at Miller Park was just so much durned fun that the Brewers did not want it to end, least of all, Carlos Gomez who recently discovered that it is just as much fun to hit the ball as it is to catch the ball. As he said to his old pal Justin Morneau: "I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO BED! LETS PLAY BASEBALL ALL THE TIME!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Luckily, Gardy heard the ruckus Carlos was causing and said that he would allow the Brewers to sleep over in Minnesota the next two nights. Gogo celebrated by jumping up and down cheering as his new BFF Aaron Hicks stole a home run, hit a home run and a ground rule double that lead to the game winning run in the fourteenth. Quoth the Gogo: "WHEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!!!!!"

Samuel DeDudeBro totally
has some wine coolers...

Game 52
Twins 4 - Brewers 1
In preparation for Grand Ol' Day that weekend, Samuel De-dude-bro prepared his best stuff to drop on the drunken honies, including classics like "did it hurt...when my curveball dropped right underneath your swing?" and "Hey baby, if you like my pitching you should see the way we hit it off" and finally: "'Sup?"

Deduno dominated the Brewers...no word yet on how he did with inebriates in St. Paul.


Game 53
Twins 8 - Brewers 6

Kyle Loshe (but not quite)

The Twins/Brewers sleepover came to an end with the return of Kyle Loshe to a Minnesota mound. Then everyone remembered what a tool Kyle Loshe was, and promptly extracted revenge, launching 3 home runs in 5 batters.

Additionally, Chris Parmelee continued his one man campaign to overwhelm the appeal of Wisconsin Cheddar by using his power hitting to emphasize the importance of Parmesan. Because what is better: oily greasy deep fried cheese curds, or a glorious eggplant parmesean? (...hmm...on second thought...)

Game 54
Mariners 3 - Twins 0
Once again the bionic pitching machine known as Mike Pelfrey broke down just after multiple Twins fans thought to themselves: "Hey Pelfrey might just make it!"

WRONG!

Game 55
Twins 5 - Mariners 4
Once upon a time there was a Twins catcher...no not the sideburn-ed one, the other one.

No not the feeble hitting back up, the other other one!

Pretty good weeks for Ryan Suave

Yes, that's the one: Ryan Doumit. Mr. Unbuttoned-Jersey. Mr. Sexy-And-I-Know-It. Mr. Sure-I'll-Ride-The-Bench-Catch-a-Couple-Days-Play-Right-Field-And-Keep-On-Hitting-Like-It-Ain't-No-Thang. (He'd make a terrible substitute teacher). And what did this man do of note you ask? Not much, just clear the bases with a triple and institute the first "Oh-my-god-the-Twins-won!" shared between random strangers since 2010.

Bravo Ryan Suave, Bravo!

Game 56
Twins 10 - Mariners 0
Dear Jeremy Bonderman,

We missed you. Come back soon!

Love,
The Twins

Mr. Peanut--Ryan Doumit (since going to Detroit, Doumit has had a Win Probability Added over 1.1--so he has given the Twins one more win than an average hitter in his same spot)
Nutty-Buddy--Mike Pelfrey (Please send all spare nuts and bolts to Scott Boras Labs to repair Mike Pelfrey)

Side Note: The school year ends on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly as of next week, but I'll also be travelling to Washington DC on Friday to take my 2 year old niece to her first baseball game when the Twins visit the Nationals. And to answer your question, yes, I will teach her to sing "Save Big Money" when Denard Span runs near by.

Opening Day Preview!

Welcome to Opening Day! Before we begin please note the brand new feature in our top menu: "Find Your Favorite Twin". In just four short clicks you can find your new favorite player to root for this season (even if they aren't yet on the big league roster.

We should also welcome the latest addition to our Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame: Jim Thome!

Thome crossed the 75% threshold just ahead of other candidates Joe Nathan and Denard Span who will be back for next years ballots (alongside Messrs Young, Pavano, Crain, Liriano, Nishioka, Baker, Revere and Casilla while Slowey, Hughes, Marquis, Capps and [surprisingly] Jason Kubel will be off the ballot.)

Now for  the big stuff. As the season kicks off in earnest today, it's my last chance to predict the outcome of the season and prognosticate with the best of them (which is to say all the other people who will be proved wrong in six months). Just to k

eep some consistency with other (smarter) bloggers I'll use some of their terms for things

Twins' record: 70-92

Harmon Killebrew Award (Team MVP)--Justin Morneau

I'm going to go with the medias favorite definition of an MVP: how good would the team be without them? Morneau has looked consistently better as he becomes increasingly removed from his concussion, I'll guess that he plays well enough to help keep the Twins about 3-5 games below .500 until a June trade leads him to a healthy pennant race for the first time since 2008 (remember his issues kept him off the field in '09 and '10), meanwhile the Twins will drop off with out him, to about 10 games below .500, proving that he is indeed valuable.

Johan Santana Award (Team Pitcher of the Year)--Glen Perkins

With Scott Diamond out for the first month and other pitchers looking shaky, I'll take the cheap way out and give it to the best pitcher on the roster...even if he only gets to pitch twice-a-week. Perkins has played better and better since coming back from his injury/snit in 2010, besides at least one St. Paul product needs some love.

Rod Carew Award (Rookie of the Year)--Aaron Hicks

Who wants some JAG?!

While we'll likely see a veritable flotilla of starting pitchers make their way into the rotation and different points this year, I can't see any of them having a stand-out or noticeable year. While I don't think that Hicks will be with the big club all year long, I do think that his play will be the best of all the rookies and show considerable promise for the future.

And finally, our own special Peanuty-Award: 

Carlos Gomez Award (Most Entertaining Player)--Samuel Deduno

This isn't for playing well, this is just for playing in a way that excites, entertains and--most of all-- amuses us. I think that title will go to Samuel De-Dude Bro, the often erratic, always effusive pitcher who throws just well enough to make you think that maybe, this time, he won't break your heart, and then he does.... Rest assured, we'll be amused as bloggers, even if (as fans) we won't be.

Postseason Predictions (*Wild Cards)

AL: Angels, Tigers, Jays, *Rays, *A's; Rays > A's; Rays > Angels; Tigers > Jays; Tigers > Rays

NL: Giants, Reds, Nats, *Braves, *Brewers; Braves > Brewers; Reds > Braves; Nats > Giants; Reds > Giants

World Series: Tigers beat the Reds in 5
But since logical predictions are always wrong I'll say it actually becomes
Indians beat the Diamondbacks in 6.

(America watches the Here Comes Honey Booboo/Dance Moms cross-over instead)

Now, at last, let's shut up and watch some baseball! (Then talk some more...because it's baseball!!)

OUR Minnesota Twins (Part 6)

As we near the end of our introduction to the new and improved Minnesota Twins we consider a few players who might not be around as much as we might like.

Meet Jamey Carroll! (Infielder)

Player's Background: Jamey Carroll is many things, a scrappy infielder (hey, where have we heard that before?), a clubhouse leader, the last surviving Expo. Above all he is a journeyman utility player who can (and does) play third base, short stop or second base whenever he is asked. He also attempts to hit which is adorable.

Alternate Background: As first observed by my younger brother: "Jamey Carroll" sounds like it should be the name of a Country Music superstar. The more you think about it, the more the idea sticks in your head and the awful song titles come to mind. That's the power of Jamey Carroll, pure professionalism on the field, pure party off of it!

Positive Cheers: Come up with your own smash hit Jamey Carroll singles like: "Momma's Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be Middle Relievers!" "Saddle up my Stirrups Gardy, I'm Running the Bases Tonight!"

Less-than Positive Cheers: Come up with your own Truck Stop Discount bin Jamey Carroll singles like: "How can I Miss the First Baseman, If He Doesn't Go Away?" "I Only Strike Out on Days that End with Y"

Meet Samuel Deduno! (Pitcher)

Player's Background: Samuel Deduno was an unsigned free-agent in 2003, then a workman minor leaguer until his first cup of coffee with the Rockies in 2010. He remained wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) in brief stints with the Rockies and Padres before the Twins signed him where he has made some wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) starts. Some fine pitching for the Dominican Republic has some people curious about Deduno's promise...even if it is...well, wild.

Alternate Background: Samuel Deduno is to playing baseball, what dull DudeBros are to your local watering hole. They both turn up out of nowhere, they swagger like they own the place, they seem like the worst possible choice you can make, and yet they keep on getting picked (by the manager in Deduno's case and by girls in the DudeBros' case). Naturally this can lead to only one creation: Samuel De-DudeBro!

Positive Cheers: DUDE!! BRO!!!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Dude. Bro.