My Dog Writes the News

I'm officially back at work, planning and plotting all that I teach, but after a summer of goofing around with my dog (with Sports Radio/ESPN often on in the background), I felt like I could trust him to write a post summarizing baseball coverage of late. Without further ado...here's a guest post from my dog: Sidney.

Most Exciting Time of Baseball Season Irrelevant Next to Least Exciting Time of Football Season.

by, Sid MacKenzie

With the September stretch run to the playoffs set to begin, all eyes are on the football transaction column to determine exactly how the final preseason game has affected NFL rosters. A host of intriguing story lines with resurgent teams and superb players will be confined to the final five minutes of all SportsCenter programs in order to give Peyton Manning's shoelacing form the attention it so richly deserves.

A man who's not even Hines Ward

For the first time in decades, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a chance to make the playoffs behind MVP candidate Andrew McCutchen who is not Troy Polumalu or even Ben Rothlisberger and therefore not that important. Said McCutchen of his impressive year, "I'm really glad the Steelers are keeping Charlie Batch. He can be a solid back up if Rothlisberger's rotator cuff doesn't heal quite right. The Steelers should be back in business baby!"

Meanwhile in Baltimore, the Orioles stunning run towards dethroning the Yankees has turned heads away from Camden Yards and towards Insert Generic Bank Name Here Stadium. Manager Buck Showalter replied to questions of his team's staying power by saying: "Shut up! John Harbaugh is taking post-practice questions!"

As California braces for an epic month, with four teams in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Oakland all capable of making the playoffs, players and coaches alike just hope that either Randy Moss still catches the ball, Tyrelle Pryor proves the doubters wrong, or that the Jaguars move into a new downtown stadium.

A man who does not play for the Cowboys

The principal rival for the California baseball teams (a team that legend says is called the Texas Rangers) has vanished into a black hole of Cowboys fans, painting blue stars on their faces or stomaches and incessantly shouting: "HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!?!?"

In New York, the often insufferable New York Yankees fans have put away their pinstripes in order to more effectively obsess over the Giants and the Jets. Said one wide-eyed and giddy fan named Derek Jeter: "Ohmigod! Tim Tebow looked at me! He looked right at me!!"

A man who should probably
be throwing a football instead.

In an effort to capitalize on this absurdly popular/mind-numbingly dull part of the football season, a variety of other baseball teams have taken their own approaches to expressing their love for football. To boost ticket sales for a series against the rival Chicago White Sox (who do not play football), the Detroit Tigers (who also do not play football) drew 40,000 fans with the promise of a raffle for 2 Lions tickets. In Washington, Jayson Werth has officially changed his name to Robert Griffin III.5 and the Tampa Bay Rays have changed their team name to the Tampa Bay Buccanears (a less expensive generic football brand that may lead to a lawsuit from the NFL).

Reached for comment at his office in New York, baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, "We're just so excited that we can stop playing soon so that everyone can watch football in peace. Please, don't pay any attention to pennant races or Justin Verlander or Mike Trout, you'll simply encourage them to keep playing into October. Nobody wants that."

In other news, football will be starting soon.

Fly Over Country Baseball Pride

Even though we've been unable to watch all of the thrilling game 5 madness the last few days, Stinky and I have been reveling in the Midwest's October Glory.

For once, we don't just mean the fall foliage that dots the landscape of the upper midwest, though--certainly--writing this blog from a coffee shop in a quaint Wisconsin lakeside village, with elms and maples turning orange and golden and faded green in early afternoon light is pretty awesome. No, we mean the fact that our preferred play-off teams all managed to do pretty well. Sure the Rays got bumped off by the Rangers, but everybody else we were rooting for: the Cardinals, the Brewers and the Tigers, pulled out big series wins.

It's nice to know that our cheering for a team does not doom them to suckitude, and nicer still to know that we are blissfully free from three more weeks of "pinstripe mystique" and "four aces of the apocalypse" talk. Sure, some people will talk about low ratings and the fact that very few people beyond the Milwaukee city limits cares about the Brewers, but that misses the point.

The point is that, right now, the best baseball is being played in our neck of the woods. And it's being played by a bunch of guys who used to wear the Twins Blue and Red. So even though Delmon Young will be nursing an oblique through the ALCS, we'll keep chearing for the Tigers and our supractalicious ex-left fielder whose tattoos and glower seem to suit the hardened blue collar edge of the Motor City.

And even though the Cardinals have won more World Series' than any team whose name does not start with a "Y" and end with an "ankees", we'll cheer because there's little Nicky Punto scooping up grounders and flipping them to a glacier sized first baseman between the beer signs and the red brick facades of a classic old stadium in a classic baseball town.

And even though they're our border war neighbors, we'll keep cheering for the Brew Crew and the home run slide and Bob Ueker calling a World Series game, because last night there was our hyperactive ex-centerfielder careening across home plate with a giddy slide and popping up in a fit of glee to "BEAST MODE" it up with the vegetarian first baseman and goofily bearded closer.


Forget the big markets and the big budgets and the big names. Let's keep this ride going on to November! Let's relish the chance to see champagne corks get popped alongside bottles of Bud and buckets of cheese curds and gallons of axel grease. Let's root, root, root for fly over country and the parts of America where fandom isn't written off as a business expense and stars are nurtured over years rather than bought up during the offseason.

It's a great time to love baseball, and a great time to love the midwest. (Luckily for us, we love both!)

Root, Root Root for...? (Our Extremely Biased Guide to the Postseason)

Well, we're a few days into the playoffs but better late than never! We know you've been waiting with bated breath for us to instruct you as to who you should cheer for in the post season...but we're not going to. Instead, we are going to make logical (hah) pro and con lists for each matchup, tell you where our hearts lie, and let you pick from there.

ALDS: TEXAS V. TAMPA

Rangers - PROS
- Everything's bigger in Texas...so...make of that what you will.
- I dare you to find a cooler name than Yorvit Torrealba.
- Josh Hamilton
Rangers - Cons
- I really have nothing against the Rangers, but I traveled to Dallas once for work and wasn't a huge fan.
- ...it's Texas.

Rays - Pros
- I know they're this big power hitting team now, but in my mind the Rays will always be the ultimate underdogs, which makes them cool in my book.
- Their late-season run to eliminate the Red Sox was quite glorious, and very Twins-Circa-2006. Reminds me of when times were good.

- They play in an incredibly ugly dome, which also reminds us of good times.
Rays - Cons
- Johnny Damon

Verdict:
This one's kind of a toss-up. I think I'd feel good either way - but for some reason my heart seems to lie with Tampa.

ALDS: NYY Vs. Detroit

Yankees - Pros

- I'm super excited for the Verlander/Sabbathia matchup tonight after being cruelly robbed of it on Friday.

- Derek Jeter
- Mariano Rivera
Yankees - Cons
- Nick Swisher
- A-Rod
- Smug and obnoxious Yankees fans
- Emperor Palpatine

- Lord Voldemort

Tigers - Pros
- AL Central Solidarity
- Delmon Young... that trade made no sense to me, and I miss my Delmon. I hope he gets a better shot with Detroit than he did with us.
- Justin Verlander
Tigers - Cons
- I make fun of Tigers fans all year (except this year)... it's hard to go from cheering against them to cheering for them
- Detroit

Verdict:
As my dad would say, "Go Delmont!!" I wish to see him prance to a World Series Victory. Go forth and prosper, Detroit Tigers.

NLDS: St. Louis Vs. Philly

Cardinals - Pros
- Albert Pujols
- Nick Punto
- We visited St. Louis on our baseball road trip two years ago: it's a nice city and the fans seem like cool people.
Cardinals - Cons
-.... I honestly can't think of any

Phillies - Pros

- Delicious Cheese Steak

- My friend Lewis lives there

- Amazing pitching rotation of awesomeness

Phillies - Cons

- I once got lost in Philly trying to get back on the highway after stopping for a cheese steak. It was miserable - we were lost for probably an hour and got stuck in ridiculous traffic. You fail, city of Philedalphia.
- High payroll. Pinstriped jerseys. Eastern division domination. Remind you of anyone else we know?

Verdict:
I'm gonna go with St. Louis, more because of how much I like the Cardinals than because of any bad feelings towards the Phillies.

NLDS: Milwaukee vs. Arizona

Brewers - Pros

- Prince Fielder

- Ryan Braun

- If you haven't heard Bob Uecker call a game, you're missing out

- Neighborly love

- New Glaurus

- Cheese

Brewers - Cons

- Neighborly hate

- Constant drunkenness: we also went there on our baseball road trip and saw people passed out on the concourse.

- Strange phallic hot dog races

D-Backs - Pros

- Scrappy young underdog of the NL

- I dunno...I'm generally a positive person

- ...that's about it really.

D-Backs - Cons

- D-Backs sounds suspiciously like D-Bags?

- Douchey Fans: D-Backs hit a home run over Ben Revere's head and a fan yelled "YOU SUCK REVERE!!" When interviewed after the game and asked what he had yelled the fan proudly repeated the sentiment. So apparently Ben Revere sucks for not owning a jet pack? Bad form, D-Backs fans.

Verdict:

We'll give our support to the cheeseheads next door!

Well, that's all we have for now. If you'll excuse me I have to try to stop the cat from eating Ben's tie and shirt buttons.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Stinky and I have been talking throughout the LCS and, strangely that's how we feel. It's odd to be elated in Twins territory right now, I know. But if we put aside our personal pain for a minute we can see happy people, and deservedly happy people at that. There's no doubt about it though, we should be happy for them, no matter what we feel personally.

Last year it was the Yankees V.s. the Phillies, pure pinstriped snootery v.s. what some have called "the Red Yankees". It was hard to watch...in part because so many teams go decades without world series trips or victories and those two teams seem to be ensconced in championship entitlement. Where was the underdog? Where was the heart? Where was the basic human dignity that any other team would have brought to the table?

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Mercifully, though the same series was in the offing this year, we will be spared the pain. Instead we'll see one team who has never ever been to the World Series (Texas) play a team who's last World Series Title came before the Rangers were even created. We'll see my compadres in grodie hair (Lincecum and Wilson...an inspiration to the kids, both of you) versus the single greatest ambassador of nerdery in America today (CJ Wilson). And in the end one group of fans who have been waiting for 50+ years will finally get their reward.

It stinks that we lost. It stinks that we lost to a team that played like chopped garbage against the Rangers. But it's over and done with now, we can obsess over postseason strategizing (to arbitrate or not!!) or we can watch and love the last few minutes of summer before succumbing to the long dull winter. So bring on the World Series and the joy and pain associated with it. As long as there's human decency afoot I'm a happy man.

P.s. I know Stinky's got her favorite, maybe if we all ask politely she'll come and tell us why.

And then there were four

So we're out of the playoffs, as are Bobby Cox, those devilish Rays, and the communists of Cincinnati (just kidding Reds fans!). Sadder still for me, I'm back in Ohio away from the warm, tater-tot-casserole scented embrace of Minnesotans. But if anything can pick me up and give me new hope it's cheering for a new team in the Championship and World Series.

One of the nice things about being in a constant state of transit for 11 hours at a time, it gives you plenty of time to ask irrelevant questions (If tuna is chicken of the sea, and manatees are sea cows, what is sea bacon?) and plot blog related shenanigans.

In that spirit I'm happy to give you a set of recommendations about which team you ought to cheer for in the next round of playoffs. But rather than listing their pros and cons, I just popped a few variables into Netflix and saw what they recommended. (In case you've not yet encountered the awesomery of Netflix: after listing things you generally like--shown at left--recommendations are generated on the right, but of course, it's not just baseball!)

Season in review: DAG NABBIT!

(Please forgive the delay in this post, it's always easier to write about heartache when you've gotten a little bit more distance from the moment it all turned to crap)

Sunday an incredible day today. Shining sun, warm weather, leaves turning all golden and gorgeous and whatnot, and yet, for the first time since March there's no baseball to look forward to. It just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like we should be done yet, our team was too good, our stadium too pretty, our season too fun to be over so soon. But no matter how much I hope for a breaking news bulletin that says: "18 Yankees tested positive for steroids yesterday, they will forfeit all postseason wins and be permanently disbanded"...I don't think it's going to happen, so it's time for a long cold winter of bupkus.

Let's be honest about this: The New York Yankees are very good at baseball. They play better than we do most times we play them, and, not coincidentally they win most of the games we play against them. Now, that doesn't mean that I think they're a better team than we are, or that we are doomed to an endless slog of postseason failure, it just means that they are entitled to a little success now and then...of course, they've had 27 seasons of success...so...they've had their turn, now it's time to share with the other children. But "play well with others" has never been part of the Yankees' mission statement.

So, we lost, again...and while I wish I could say that I inured myself to the loss...I was pretty bummed. Watching the last outs with Stinky at the Country Bar in Uptown, you could just feel an encroaching sadness as we all sat, sipped our drinks and silently started our countdowns until spring training. We are, once again, part of the vast majority of teams who spend the winter muttering "wait 'til next year..."

Personally, I don't like to naval gaze about defeats, no talk radio, no ESPN analysis, just a little time to heal the wounds. Stinky made probably the best analysis I've heard as we walked out of the bar, which is that while we have a great team that does well over a long season, they aren't really built for the playoffs. In the playoffs you need one or two dominant front end starters. Since most of these pitchers cost about as much as a lifetime's supply of solid gold ice cream parfaits, we don't usually get them. (Even our attempted trades for guys like Cliff Lee and Roy Oswalt get shot down, presumably because Cliff Lee and Roy Oswalt don't want to be awesome). And, while Liriano can dominate at times, he doesn't do it consistently (unlike Johan...sweet, sweet Johan), and without consistent pitching our hitters feel like they have to do it all themselves.

During the regular season our hitters don't get so neurotic because you can lose one day and get another chance for the next 7 days in a row, but in the playoffs, you lose one day you only have two more shots, and that's it. So our hitters freak out when we fall behind because there's no margin for error, so everybody tries to be the hero rather than just being their regular old awesome selves (witness, Messers Mauer, Kubel, Thome, Cuddyer and Valencia who swung for home runs approximately 180% of the time). But if we have great pitchers, there's less chance of falling behind and, as a result less need for our line up to press. So we need a pitcher or two, and as I see it, we've got two options, one: have every Twins fan sell their liver so we can afford to sign a great starter who will shut down teams in the playoffs; two: kidnap and brainwash Felix Hernandez, Zach Greinke and Ubaldo Jiminez.

Those plans should work, but until then all we have is the old standard: "Wait 'til next year". There's a long legacy of "Wait 'til next year" teams. The Brooklyn Dodgers were always close but no cigar in the 40s and 50s, the Red Sox had regular runs at the title that came up short from the 60's to the 80s, the Braves fell flat in October throughout the 90s, and this last decade, it was our turn. Painful as these experiences were it made the final victory all the more memorable, of course, we hope not to wait quite as long as the Red Sox did, but we'll win again, and when we do...awesomeness.

So, I guess there's nothing left to do but wait for awesomeness. (Oh, and sell my liver)

Slump Busters

Okay...so optimism didn't seem to work a whole lot better than despondency. We've now reached 11 straight post season losses and, 8 straight against the Yankees (losing a lead each and every time), home field's no kinder than the road and we're once again at the brink of elimination. Even the opportunity to blame the umpires hasn't softened the hard fact that we're staring down the barrel of the ol' elimination cannon once again.

This is still just a slump, a massive slump, a baffling slump, but a slump never the less. Everyone goes through them and then, with a little bit of good fortune, snaps back out of it. The problem is we can't seem to figure out what that little trick is to snap back to reality. Rally caps? No. Counterclockwise homer hanky waving? No. Flying from Ohio to Minneapolis for game 2? No. I still feel certain that somehow, some way there's one tiny thing that, once done differently will lead to our success in the postseason.

So what's it going to take to snap out of this slump, oh Gods of baseball? Do we sacrifice Danny Valencia to the ladies of New York? Should Orlando Hudson take a vow of silence? Do we need to surgically remove Rauch's tattoos, make everybody play the whole game with Groucho Marx mustache glasses, make every Twins fan watch the game upside down? Do you want that greatest of sacrifices: the Chairman's sideburns? PLEASE DEAR GODS OF BASEBALL GIVE US A SIGN!!!!!!

All our problems can be solved...with songs and monkeys

Since Stinky was at the game I hope that her graduate school gives her the time necessary to describe the actual events, situations and emotions of last night. I will simply say two things (and accompany them with movin' pictures):

1) In re: this New York Times Article about our "Damn Yankees" attitudes. I think the only power strong enough to complement my attack monkeys is the power of musical theatre (and for some reason watching this song this morning did make me feel better...of course, I am a theatre geek, but still...start hummin' boys!)

2) I stand by my claim from yesterday that the only way to get a monkey off your back is with a smarter, stronger monkey (possibly armed) and you know who else agrees with me? Stephen Colbert. (Seriously if we plague the yankees with monkeys, gonna be harder for them to hit with men in scoring position/hit at all.)

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Monkey on our backs

Lots of people have little nagging annoyances, small things that lurk in the shadows of your life and just pounce when you least expect or want them to. Call it the monkey on your back, the depressing little cur that makes you feel like garbage and turns you from a reasonable person into a quaky, shaky mess.

Like a lot of people, I used to smoke. Not a lot, I never made it to a pack a day, but I did make it an unfortunately frequent habit. Having one after work, or two before bed; what difference did it make? I would smoke in private, and return to my compadres a little smelly, but much the same as I was before. I always wanted to quit but had a hard time doing it. When I finally did quit (about 18 months back) it was not without temptation to regress. Even recently walking to and from class with young people puffing away all around me, I thought about grabbing a pack just to quiet my nerves during the thesis-writing process. So, that's my monkey; maybe for you it's chewing your nails, or a maliciously passive-agressive ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, or, like the nation of India, maybe it's actual monkeys.

I think, for the Minnesota Twins, it's not smoking, or nail chewing, or malicious ex-es, or even real monkeys. The monkey on our team's collective back is a simple little thing called: getting whomped by the New York Yankees. No matter how good we feel, no matter how awesome things seem to be going, when those pinstriped punks turn up and we fall behind just a little bit everything seems to get approximately 10 million times worse. We try not to dramatize it too much, we try to play it cool...but...they just...SUCK! They win...and we lose...and we're left scratching our heads with a collective sense of "what just happened?"

This is tough, painful even, but it's made a little worse by the snide condescension that many Yankees fans throw our way. I mean, cigarettes never jumped out of their packs and called me a loser...sometimes monkeys I met in India seemed to be talking about my goatee...but, they were monkeys, they might have thought I scalped a relative. The Yankees? The Yankees seem to take some perverse pleasure in pointing out our failures...in reminding us of how we are unlike them (what with only two World Series titles as opposed to 27). Heck a New York newspaper published this little gem on Monday, assuming that the outcome of our series was a forgone conclusion.

I know that the Twins players have said they don't care, that New York is just that way and so be it. I also know Yankees do not write this newspaper, and that they are probably, pretty nice guys. I'm sure they take playing against us very seriously, it's just that many of their fans are so arrogant and smug that it feels like we're playing with the weight of several million snobbish brats squatting on our backs point out our failures...like a troop of particularly virulent monkeys.

Some day, we'll loose the Monkey off our back. I rarely crave cigarettes, in part because I have friends who remind me that I was a lot smellier than I remember, and that they want me to stay healthy and alive. I've helped friends ignore malicious ex-es, and seen nail biters change their ways. So I'm sure the Twins will find a way to dump the Empire State sized monkey off our backs...someday. Maybe we should try the Indian solution to "monkeys on the back"...MORE MONKEYS!

Good luck Twins, I'll keep the strategic monkey reserves on standby should we need them.

P.s. The New York Times has an article about this same dilemma, but with much more of a musical theatre reference. This might be over-dramatizing, but it's entertaining.

Season in review: How do you graph a feeling?

Leaves are turning, rain is freezing and channels are flipping to football in much of the country. But for we fans of the Twins, there's still a little slice of summer to savor as we enter the post-season for the sixth time in the past decade.

Of course, it was never a foregone conclusion, and to prove that I've tried to chart how I felt about this season. Focusing on three main emotions as a fan: Confidence (that we are on the right track and everything will be okay), Concern (that we're deader than dodos, discos and d'alliteration) and Nauseous Confusion (for the plain ol' WTF moments that come up in every season). Below the graph is an explanation of the highs and lows I felt personally...if you didn't that's fine...you probably don't suffer from queasiness the way I do...and there's no drammamine for baseball.

April

Confidence: signing Mauer, opening Target Field, generally playing like badasses

Concern: Why can't we get a sweep?

Confusion: "Why does the ethics board need 90 billion copies of my research proposal?"

May

Confidence: Continued excellence, Kubel's walk off in New York

Concern: We can't seem to win bupkus on the Eastern seaboard

Confusion: "It's nice to feel weather again, but baseball players need to toughen up and play in the snow gol' darn it!"

June

Confidence: We're winning more than we're losing (barely)

Concern: Interleague is hard.

Confusion: "Why won't these African tv execs show baseball from the upper midwest?!?!? And why is everyone listening to that damn Waka Waka song!?!?!? AND DEAR GOD, YOU'RE A BUS DRIVER, DON'T IMPERIL YOUR RIDERS!!"

July

Confidence: We're still in the race, and no longer have to be distracted by the world cup

Concern: Bad build up to the all-star game, decline in pitching, and: "Justin, get up Justin, please oh please oh please get up Justin"

Confusion: "Who is this kid at third and what has he done with Nick Punto? And should I care?"

August

Confidence: Learning to love Danny V., feeling quite pleased with our bullpen

Concern: White Sox are still lurking...and...oh god...they got Manny.

Confusion: "Will MLB.tv's blackout policy allow me to watch ANY games?"

September

Confidence: We're close...we're close...we're close...WE WON!!

Concern: ...Uhhh...guys...shouldn't we win a few against the worst teams in the division?

Confusion: Seriously...they're the Royals! How can they score that many?

October

Confidence: Home field, and a good campaign by all...well done fellas

Concern: Yankees...but...meh...

Confusion: "What am I going to do after the season ends?"

Reactions to the Division Title

While it was a stirring triumph at Target field today, the big story today is, and will continue to be the fact that the Minnesota Twins have won the American League Central. While many people saw this as a forgone conclusion, it didn't stop several hundreds of fans from staying to cheer when the champagne corks popped.

But even if you didn't stay up to celebrate, chances are you're pretty happy today. And you're not alone, all throughout Twins Territory there's much smiling, cheering and pride in our triumph. Below is a sampling of reactions to the title from a range of Minnesotans:

Winona Ryder (actress): "The Twins won? Oh, that's great! You know...that reminds me about something funny that happened on the set of my new movie!...."

Walter Mondale (former Vice President): "Hells yes mutha-truckah!!! That's how we roll 'Sota-Style, son!!! UNGH! Yo, Rockerfeller! I whupped you at VP-ing, I'll whup you post-season, PUNK!!"

Bob Dylan (musician): "mummlewummlezweeezilezwazzleZWAY!"

Garrisson Kiellor (writer): "Truly this autumn bloom, sprung from blush of spring, shines and will shine in our memories today, tomorrow and ever after. For in memory we find eternal sunshine and summer and the smell of hot dogs and the sound of a laughing, roaring crowd whose joy sustains us through the long winters of our discontent. For what is joyous today becomes no less joyful as sepia tones etch them in our minds...........Basically, I'm happy is what I'm saying."

Brett Favre (athlete): "Uhhh....football?"

...and finally, speaking for pretty much everyone I'll quote my partner in crime Stinky:

"CLINCH!!!YAAAY!!!!"

Well done Twins you earned it!

So THAT'S why postseason baseball is fun!

I knew that there was something great about playoff baseball, I just couldn't quite remember what it was.

Was it the awesomeness of Fox's coverage? No...that's not it, there certainly isn't much to be enjoyed in hearing Joe Buck and Tim McCarver gush and goo over every move that Derek Jeter makes. Seriously, guys, if you catch a relay, and see a baserunner caught between bags but leaning to second...YOU THROW THE BALL TO SECOND!!!! Jeter does it because he is intelligent, so is Erik Aybar, Jimmy Rollins, Orlando Cabrera, Nick Punto and just about EVERY OTHER MIDDLE INFIELDER IN THE PLAYOFFS!!! Just because they don't wear a Yankees uniform doesn't mean they wouldn't make the same intelligent plays when pressed. Stop kissing ass and call the game.

Was it A-Rod's cold, soulless eyes? No, they make for sadness in my soul. Them and Nick Swisher's rock signs, Joba Chamberlian's rope necklace, Mark Texiera's bolster cushion neck and every single word that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver say. STOP SPLITTING THE SCREEN IN HALF AND JUST ANNOUNCE WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!

I KNOW!! It's stranding runners in scoring position!! I love it when that happens, guy on third, no outs, that's great...oh, wait, no...no that's not it, that made me want to gouge out my own eyes with sporks.

Wait a second, something's coming back to me. I was watching with people! There was an Angels fan and a Yankees fan...but they were both polite, and insightful and intelligent. They were willing to let me swear and spout vitriol at the tv screen, and not take it personally. They loved their teams and knew them as intimately as I know the Twins.

The shivered and shook with the highs and the lows, the leads and the deficits, the comebacks and the fallbehinds. With each pitch and swing and catch and throw they twisted and turned and lived and died. And while I tried to remain objective, while I tried to be impartial and just appreciate the game I wanted the Angels to win. I wanted it for Adenhart. I wanted it for Torii. I wanted it because I didn't want it for the Yankees.

The camaraderie is what I miss so far from Minnesota, but I won't lie, the winning, the dramatic victory was great. And as Leslie declared her undying love for Jeff Mathis, and Jen sank back into the couch in despair, I realized that this is what matters. The camraderie, the unpredictability, and the excellence of the competition. That's what makes it a pleasure to watch, a pleasure to share. That's what makes it fun.

Calling in a Favor

Dear Torii Hunter,

We are very very very sorry for your losses. We know that the Yankees are A-holes, D-Bags and Q-berts. We experienced it first hand, and we know you are experiencing that now, and we know that there are few things worse than watching a bunch of multimillionare's smugly celebrate their "triumph" over those of us who make do with less.

Don't cry Torii, so what if A-Rod is suddenly really really good in the postseason? So what if the last time a big-name player who had struggled intensely in the postseason "suddenly" figured out how to hit was Barry Bonds in 2002? So what if I made a totally unsubstantiated allusion to steroid use? You are Torii freakin' Hunter. You smile and distant planets feel the warm glow.

Torii, I don't ask for much, just, please don't let them walk over our entire league, please don't let them continue them do to the American League what the tank did to that poor guy in Tinamen Square. DO NOT LET THE YANKEES REDUCE ALL BASEBALL FANS TO IRRATIONAL HATRED AND HYPERBOLIC EQUIVALENCES!! (I mean...who would liken the defeat of a few millionares at the hands of a few other millionaires to peaceful protests in China...whoever that person is, they are suffering from acute craziness. SAVE THEIR BRAINS TORII!!)

Why am I writing to you Torii, because, let's face it, the National League kinda stinks a little bit, and doesn't have quite the same chance to derail the Yankpires as you do. Also because Minnesota is still secretly in love with you. But sshhh, don't tell yourself.

Perhaps I'm getting delirious, perhaps I'm totally incoherent, all I know is this. Torii, you're a great guy, and the Yankees, the Yankees are not...ergo, Torii you should win, and they should lose.

Please Torii-won Kenobi, You are our only hope.

Love,

Peanuts from Heven

Silver Linings

So Delmon Young just got a double after getting nailed in the balls. There is a silver lining to every cloud.

OK, I know this is a family-friendly blog, but there's just been a lot of balls and balls-related discussion tonight, mainly propagated by the excessive repetition of awkward Viagra commercials.

Ridiculousness from the TBS announcers:

"Wow! A-Rod! Look at how strong his arm is! But between this and his home run it's just amazing how strong he is"

Our interpretation: "Amazing! He threw the ball across the field, like a professional baseball player is meant to do! He took the ball from his glove, with the other hand and threw it - incredible! You know, this is a team that's really been excellent at using both hands this season. Also, it's remarkable how unbelievably, practically inhuman his strength is. It's as if it isn't natural at all. I mean, you can practically feel the chemical reaction when he connects."

"Andy Pettite is so tough in every at bat, he's an incredible competitor."

Our interpretation: "With Andy Pettite, it's not an at bat, it's a seduction."

"What an incredible play by Jeter!"

Our interpretation: "Jeter just softly lobbed the ball to first base with plenty of time to make the out. If Brendan Harris did this it would be merely mediocre but when Derek Jeter does it it's AMAZING!!!"

Also notable was their palatable lack of enthusiasm when Denard stole second base. Not to mention the fact that when we took the lead they were quietly awed, when A-Rod tied it, and Posada took the lead it seemed like it was all they could do not to run down on to the field and plant a big sloppy kiss all over the Yankees' collective rumps.

I was going to write about how inexorably sad this all makes me (particularly after Nicky just tried a little too hard), but why fixate on the toolish announcers, the damnable Yankees and our "gaffes"? We all know this is what it is, we can't change it, the Yankees are what they are, network tv is what it is, but best of all we are what we are

WE ARE AWESOME! And we don't need to win no stinkin' playoff series to know it! This has been an incredible season, we have a team full of guys who play it the right way and play it clean and will come back next year ready to go another step (last year we just missed it, this year we made it, next year...?). Bottom line, we are awesome, what else do you need to know?

Kristina again:

Yes, we are awesome. But as much as I know that, and as much as I tried not to care that we were probably going to get swept in this series... it still totally sucks. Honestly, I'd rather we just plain lost - it'd be better to walk away from this series saying "Well, we played our best, but we just got outplayed," instead of "Well, we f***ed it up so many times, it's no wonder we lost."

OK thinking positively.

Even though this series has been really painful (especially for Delmon's pistachios), I'm sitting here tonight, watching through the pain with some of my best friends - grilling brats, laughing together, yelling at A-Rod together, groaning in pain together, trying to solve a problem like the Yankees together (throwing star to A-Rod's larynx perhaps?), and making inappropriate comments about Viagra commercials together. Even the worst loss doesn't seem quite as bad when you're among the ones you love.

We love the Twins, we love our friends, and as long as we're all together, we're happy--and will be happy through the long cold winter.

Let's Give a Cheer for Goodness and Light

I'll be at the Detroit airport during tonight's game, and with each passing second I can feel my will to research the potential positive impact constructivist drama education can have on intercultural competency waning...waning...gone...

Sure it'll be hard, the guys in Detroit will hate me for depriving them of this postseason berth, the announcers will gush and goo over the Yankees like they were their little boo-boo angel pie, and--lest we forget--our boys in blue actually have to, ya know, PLAY the Yankees.

But c'mon, let's not give up yet, let's band together, let's make a pact that no matter how this series goes we will always and forever root for the forces of goodness and light. (A team sorely in need of some support this postseason)

5 Post season games so far, 2 wins for Goodnesss and Light. The Rockies, and my dear pals the Mann Clan, got a game back yesterday against the Phillies (who aren't really bad, but won just last year--so...no more sympathy for you), but the Cardinals dropped a heart breaker and our buddy Albert Panthro Pujols needs some love.

But, there is hope, there is Torii...sweet Torii...lovable Torii...indomitable Minnesota Waffle House Fan Torii--we know that he hearts SoCal now, but Torii, please, remember us and all the fun times we had? We love you Tor-double i, keep up the awesomeness (and send some of it our way)

No more with the mammoth payrolls and the sense of entitlement, no more with the ego-trippin', steroid-poppin', fat-wallet-draggin' teams from Boston, New York and LA (the bad part of LA). Lets go Rocks, Lets go Cards, Let's go Angels, and Let's go Twins!

What do you mean, we have to keep playing?

Wait, so I thought we had won and would get a nice little parade and hugs and kisses and puppy dogs and what not...we have to travel to New York City and face a team that is 50% Vampire? Not cool Major League Baseball...not cool...

I am tempted to ask if we can borrow some Tigers for this series...maybe Verlander, Procello, Rodney, Minor, Granderson, Inge, Polanco--heck, maybe even Laird, Rayburn and Jimmy "Classy-Dude" Leyland. What do you say Tigers? Huh? No...okay...{Side note, seriously, people who led the "Al-co-hol-ic" chant to Cabrera during the game last night--that's a tool-y thing to do, we disavow any association with knobs like that.}


How about you, Johan, since the guy we got in a trade for you made the playoffs before your new team did...how about we call the whole thing null and void and let you start game one or two? You could put on an Armando Gabino costume and pretend to be him. What's that, your arm is hurt...okay...

So...nobody expects us to do well, which is fine because we don't expect us to do well. Somebody called this an "all-time walkover" most of ESPN is saying its done in three or four*, the New York Times is no less confident in our demise. But rather than dwelling on that, or on how awfully awful the Yankees are (Click here, here or here for a refresher) Let's focus on how awesome we are, how great it is to have Joe Mauer's awesomeness shine through his sideburns, how Cuddy can play such good defense for a guy whose supposed to be in right field, how Brian "You Make Me Feel Like" Duensing has been adorably puppyish all season long, how our bullpen is le tired--but still manages to endure.


We have dread pirates, masters of supraction, ubermensches, pretty princesses, Or-Land-O' Lakes, and of course the Nefarious Dr. Cakeburn. We are rainbow of diverse awesom-itude.

The Yankees are just vampires--and though Vampires are hot right now, we can all agree:

P.s. Remember, we're being satirical...no offense is intended. Please contact bloggers if you take umbrage to any statements made, we don't want to make you cry Alex Rodriguez, and we are sorry that the world is so mean to you--maybe if you didn't play for the next week you'd feel better...

[*On further reflection ESPN, or more specifically Jim Caple, does defend us, writing: "How can anyone not root for the Twins? Theyare this year's proof that budget-minded teams can compete.....They rallied from a seven-game deficit in September and a three-game deficit in October....Face it, rooting against the Twins this fall is like rooting against the Rebel Alliance or Habitat for Humanity", and David Shoenfield says that Nicky P. is "like great poetry: You may not realize you're reading iambic pentameter, but there's something in the words that just flow."]

LiveBlog: the Aftermath

WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND TOMORROW WE’RE GOING TO GET FREAKING DESTROYED BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT WAS SO, SO SO GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ran a victory lap around my apartment – I can’t even imagine how much my neighbors must hate me.

Wait I’m sorry… was that Gardy doing a Carlos Gomez impression on the radio? Is he drunk already? Or was that Gomez’s real voice? Or… what the heck? I’m so confused.

OK – let’s just talk about this for a second. Who would have thought???? Just a few weeks ago, the Twins were seven games back and below .500. Now they’re division champs and 10 games above .500. What an unbelievable comeback. And they did it without Hot-Pants Justin! And without Mauer for the first month, and with a crappy bullpen and half of a starting rotation. I mean seriously- plagued by injuries, with a pitching staff held together with little more than the sheer power of Gardy’s will, we make the playoffs. What a season.

Not to mention…what a game! And what an amazingly well-managed game. Leyland made some seriously sharp moves, putting Gardy in a tough position when he subbed Gomez for Kubel, thinking Gurrier would pitch into the 8th and Nathan would take the 9th. Suddenly Gardy is stuck with his hottest hitter on the bench and no closer. AND WE STILL WON. If Gardy doesn’t win Manager of the Year, something is seriously amiss in the land of baseball karma.

We’ll probably lose tomorrow….OK let’s be honest with ourselves, we’ll probably get swept by the Yankees. Duensing vs. Sabathia? That’s like a death match between a puppy and a T. Rex. I won’t elaborate on that metaphor because it would be sad and kind of gross, but you get the idea.

What a way to leave the dome – as Division Champs. Whatever happens next, we had a great year of Twins baseball.

"It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it's the journey that matters, in the end." - Ursula K. LeGuin

HOLY SHNIKES!!!!

We won...I can't believe we won...we trailed by 7 games at the start of the month...we trailed by 3 games less than a week ago...we trailed by three runs when I went to class tonight...and we won...

In slightly awkward news, I had on my "Peanuts from Heaven" shirt and was rubbing the logo for good luck at opportune moments, and then pretty much constantly...so much so that a classmate said: "does he have an itch or something?"--Nope, just a skosh of an obsessive compulsive tic.

Here's the important thing to note: the Tigers are awesome. Officially. They are an excellent team with a passionate fan base, a great group of players, an excellent manager and a complete understanding of how the game ought to be played. They work real hard and they deserve praise and adulation for being the class of the division for most of this season. Hats of to Leyland, Granderson, Ordonez, Rayburn, the whole pitching staff (whom I've met and was greatly impressed by), and especially Jim "Classy-Dude" Leyland.

Now we will try to make the Central proud, make it more than a punch-line and will also endeavor to do what we have not done at all this year, or ever in the postseason: we're going to try to beat the Yankees...but realistically, who cares? We have had a great season, accomplished a lot and should be very proud of ourselves no matter what god awful things befall us in the Bronx. Fingers crossed for tomorrow night--but let's not worry about that too much, let's remember what we did today, the triumph of Gogo, and Delmon, and Alexi...and let's remember that haiku:

However it goes,

Awesomeness needs no reward;

The journey is all.

GAAAH! The Sequel

Big game today, big, big, bigbig, BIG game. Twins/Tigers...the (possibly) last game in the dome...Baker V. Porcello..."Gardy the Gnome" V. "Leyland the Craggy Faced"...the division title on the line, a trip to the playoffs on the line, one of the most stunning comebacks of all time on the line.

And where will I be?

A library and class--reading sociology of education, medieval drama criticism, multicultural education research, and then discussing Marxist theory prior to giving a presentation on traditional African educational systems--all this, without MLB.Tv, or cable, or a cellphone that does things other than make phone calls.

That's literally where I will be. Figuratively, I'll be in jittery, anxious torment, waiting to call my co-blogger in Arms for an update.

I could chest thump, denounce the Tigers and all they stand for, but I'd rather shake hands and come out fighting--I also would like to practice low expectations one last time:

Elated over their victory the drunken Minnesota Vikings fans will camp out on the metrodome turf until game time then growl angrily at the Twins that "this is our home now! Our sweet sweet Mall of America Metrodome!" Then we will have to forfeit the game, while Carlos Gomez cries fiercely announces he hates us and is running away from home, and all the other players quietly shuffle out the dome for the last time.

--That was depressing, but that's low expectations for you--just don't depress me Twins and I'll be a happy guy.....and that might be the most obvious thing I've ever said in my life.

Go Rays?

I agree wholeheartedly. I always like to root for the scrappy underdog, and if it can't be us, it might as well be Tampa. They've made such huge strides this season... and the Red Sox sort of just annoy me at this point. I was a pseudo-Sox fan briefly in 2004 when they blew past the Yankees after losing the first 3 games of the ALCS, and then won the World Series...that was pretty cool. But now, they're just cocky and they bother me.

And I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the Phillies because of Boy Meets World. So I would definitely watch a Rays-Phillies world series... whereas the idea of a Sox Dodgers series makes me feel a little nautious...although that could be because I took expired Tylenol, but I'd like to think otherwise. It sounds more dramatic :)