MAKE IT STOP!!

After yesterday's loss--which I did not see but which was described to me by my father, fellow blogger and friends as: "a hosing," "a total screw up," and "completely f*ing ridiculous"--I'm reminded of the great quote from Casey Stengel (the dentist turned mediocre outfielder turned genius manager of the Dodgers, Braves, Yankees and Mets): "I been in this game 100 years and I see new ways to lose 'em I didn't know existed before"

That has been the Twins season in a nutshell. When not losing on a record setting bullpen implosion, we manage to lose on three errors by the same shortstop (even when we keep changing the shortstop throughout the season), or on suddenly impotent hitters, or four umpires completely misunderstanding the major league rule book. It's not even games, we lose players in shocking ways too: there was the flu virus that sidelined four guys for a week, feet that got injured while turning a double play, and leaping for a home run ball, and the mysterious "bi-lateral leg weakness".

I can't explain it. Nobody I knows can explain it. I might have doubted our ability to make the playoffs this year, but I never expected it to be bottom-of-the-majors bad (and neither did anyone else apparently). So I have no other recourse but to plea with the baseball gods, the bringers of spring and sunshine and hot dogs and those little frozen lemonade cups: please, for my own sanity, MAKE IT STOP!

Suggestions for Getting out of a Funk

It seems like every time the Twins get a little momentum--a burst of power hitting, a solid outing by the bullpen, a clutch knock to walk-off with a game winner--something halts us in our tracks the very next day. Win in Toronto? Lose in New York. Pull off a comeback win in the Bronx? Rain out stalls the progress. Great homecoming for Mauer & Nathan? Oakland pitchers wipe out the weekend. Danny V. gives us a walk off win Tuesday night? Liriano's one bad inning dooms the next game.

While it feels inconceivable that our hitters, our pitchers and our defense would be slumping simultaneously...the evidence is right there. But again, in keeping with the whole "positive thinking" thing we're trying out this year--we'd like to make the following suggestions to the Twins as they seek to bust out of this slump on the upcoming road trip:

• Visit a Zen garden and meditate on human existence and the scale of the universe and how fun it is to hit curveballs.
• Take a group visit to Denard Span's mom so she can make you warm cookies and remind you that no matter what, people love you and believe in you.
• Go on a trust building retreat with each other, where pitchers fall back into the arms of their waiting defense (make sure there are extra big gloves for when Matt Capps falls)
• Blow off some steam by pulling a prank on Joe Mauer by dyeing his sideburns blond while he's asleep.
• Try something new and exotic, like Baltimore's famous crab cakes! Or pitching a complete game shutout!!
• If all else fails...Sacrifice two goats and a rooster to the baseball gods (like the one pictured at the right, he'd definitely prefer lady goats just fyi.)

We're with you Twins, rain or shine or fiery hail of dragon dung. Here's hoping something clicks sooner rather than later.

Slump Busters

Okay...so optimism didn't seem to work a whole lot better than despondency. We've now reached 11 straight post season losses and, 8 straight against the Yankees (losing a lead each and every time), home field's no kinder than the road and we're once again at the brink of elimination. Even the opportunity to blame the umpires hasn't softened the hard fact that we're staring down the barrel of the ol' elimination cannon once again.

This is still just a slump, a massive slump, a baffling slump, but a slump never the less. Everyone goes through them and then, with a little bit of good fortune, snaps back out of it. The problem is we can't seem to figure out what that little trick is to snap back to reality. Rally caps? No. Counterclockwise homer hanky waving? No. Flying from Ohio to Minneapolis for game 2? No. I still feel certain that somehow, some way there's one tiny thing that, once done differently will lead to our success in the postseason.

So what's it going to take to snap out of this slump, oh Gods of baseball? Do we sacrifice Danny Valencia to the ladies of New York? Should Orlando Hudson take a vow of silence? Do we need to surgically remove Rauch's tattoos, make everybody play the whole game with Groucho Marx mustache glasses, make every Twins fan watch the game upside down? Do you want that greatest of sacrifices: the Chairman's sideburns? PLEASE DEAR GODS OF BASEBALL GIVE US A SIGN!!!!!!

Pretty good night...

Gotta admit, any night spent with a pennant race is a fun night, but last night, after hours of thesis work, that game was particularly enjoyable. Managing to mute Hawk Harrelson was fun; calling my parents and hearing their play-by-play several seconds ahead of the MLB.tv feed was even more fun and over the course of the night I learned several things about my parents:

1. My dad (NA) and I are pretty comfortable swearing in the middle of a play (Beckham's dropped force out), but not at all in casual conversation. (I might be a masters candidate, but that doesn't mean he can't give me a whupping if he so chooses.)
2. My mom (The Knitting Queen) roots according to her moral compass, as is evidenced by her "c'mon Jesse strike out Ramirez and sit all these Chicagoans down. CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER!!!!"
3. NA's love of Yoga-based serenity still allows him to laugh at the karmic retribution of Rios dropping Span's double.
4. The Knitting Queen is quite techno-savvy (she even learned how to follow a certain Tweeter whose re-emergence from her bat-cave bring much happiness to our souls!)

But despite all this joy, and the win I want to again remind everyone that IT'S NOT OVER YET! so cool your jets ESPN, Star Trib, Chicago Tribune, and all manner of other punditry. As our man Denard said: "We still have business to finish." What is that business Denard? "we've got to hopefully...kill their dreams"

If anyone can kill dreams, I'd put money on Denard, skulking in the shadows of White Sock minds, pouncing while the White Sox are happily asleep, dreaming of Bud Light with Lime waterfalls, and new disgusting ways to grow facial hair. Once inside these dreams, Denard will triumph...for he is our ninja:

YAY...I guess...

It's not whether you win or lose; it's whether I win or lose.--Sandy Lyle

I suppose I should be elated that the Twins pulled out a squeaker last night. We got to one of the best pitcher's in baseball this season, Blackburn looked good, and we kept our lead over the White Sox.

But to tell the truth I feel a little guilty about this one. I know a win's a win and we need all the help we can get right now, but another bullpen combustion had me a little frazzled. Winning on a little known rule doesn't change the fact that our whole bullpen looks like it desperately needs a week in the Caribbean to get their groove back. And you could see it on the faces of the players too, not smiling much as fireworks went off, not much exultation or jubilation just a whole lot of: "holy hell...I can't believe that just happened" with a slight dollop of "what goes around comes around."

If we were in the Rangers' place, I'm sure the Land of 10,000 Lakes would be screaming for blood*. But remember Texas, you have an 8 game lead in your division...you can spare a couple of games (especially since we've walloped the A's and the Angels for you). Plus, now the baseball gods owe you one. There's a marvelous karmic symmetry in baseball and the next time you have a golden chance to cap a stellar comeback, I'd wager on your success.

Of course, the flip side of that is that the Twins now owe the Baseball Gods one.......Eep. OH! WAIT!!! We should have won on Thursday but didn't so this was the Baseball Gods paying us back! Isn't that right baseball gods? (If this is right please give no sign)

THANK YOU BASEBALL GODS!!! And thank you labor day for a lazy monday with nothing on the agenda but baseball and beef products...mmm...happiness.

*(Note: since it's Minnesota, it probably won't be screaming as much as politely suggesting through passive aggressive notes written on church bulletins that "if it's not too much trouble could you please die a painful death...you know, if you feel like it.")

PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!

Oh Twins, my Twins...I'm so so so so soooooooo sorry

I have finally landed back in the United States and I turn on my computer to actually browse the internet leisurely for the first time in 36 days and what do I see...our once mighty lead and sterling record have....oh, what's the word...Exploded-into-a-bajillion-pieces! That's one word isn't it?

Now I'm sure that those of you who have actually, you know, watched the games have your own theories as to why this is, from what I can glean the hitting has been feeble and the pitching has been suspect and while I'm sure that playing the game bears a large effect on how many games you win, I'm also sure that the largest effect on the Twins performance is me.

Witness: 2007 (when I was in India)--no playoffs

2008 (when I returned from India)--surge into a tie for 1st place

2009 (here all year long)--Win the division

2010 (When I was gone for all of June)--Great...until the month of June.

I'm not saying I'm the greatest human being EVER...just the most important. But clearly our recent "June Swoon" is directly attributable to my being in west Africa throughout the month.

This is no one's fault but my own. I take full responsibility.

I beg of the Twins organization to return to their winning ways just as I have returned to the country. Pitchers can once again pound the zone. Hitters can go back to crushing the enemy. Gardy can continue being adorable when he's angry. As penance for my transgression I will say 20 "Hail Mauers" and eat as much crow as can be concealed in old dome dog wrappers. I promise, it won't every happen again, please Twins? Forgive me?

What the F----?

By the way that stands for What The FLUKE!?!?!?

This is by far the flukiest, stupidest, most infuriating road trip I have ever watched. I cannot explain it, I cannot fathom it. I cannot grasp, decipher or comprehend it either (thank you thesaurus at 1:17 AM)

Let us look back at what has happened to us lately:

1. We lost in Texas in extra innings after completely controlling the series up to that point, and it took only one bad pitch from noted loather of bad pitches Richard Alpert Dickey to lose.

2. Justin Morneau did not catch a pop fly--which may be because Justin Morneau felt bad for it...pop flies are not as attractive as him.

3. We had a ten run lead and lost it because our bullpen, which had been so dominant for the past two or three weeks suddenly couldn't control anything: witness--

3a. Bobby "K-Zone" Keppel giving up his first runs....EVER.

3b. Jose "Pretty Princess" Mijares giving up his first home run to a left handed batter....in a YEAR.

4. Despite this disaster, we still came close to winning the game, only being thwarted by an umpire's terrible call that prompted Michael "Cutey Pants" Cuddyer to become angry...seriously? Cuddyer getting angry? That's like Mother Theresa calling you a ASDF@&*#%AKFGASL!@$!!!

5. Through all of this Joe Mauer suddenly decided to see what it felt like to occasionally NOT hit the baseball...that changed tonight, presumably because Mauer learned that hitting like Alexi Casilla is not fun...unless you are Alexi Casilla.

6. Tonight, Dread Pirate Joe Nathan couldn't find the strike zone, and he's there so often that it has a seat indentation from his butt.

7. The tying run tonight bounced off the only possible part of second base that WOULD NOT lead to an inning-ending, game-winning third out.

Now, I love the Twins no matter what, and I will cheer them whether we win or not, I just cannot understand why we have to lose in such stupid manners? I mean...I do not like losing 16-1, but I understand it--if we do not play well, we should lose. The other games?....the ones where we make minor mistakes that turn into total devestation....I don't get that. I don't expect to win every game--just the ones where we don't play like a pack of platypi with their bills in the mud. (Hopefully, since Baseball is a game of averages, losing three games in so totally stupid a manner will later be balanced out by our winning three games in a totally stupid manner.) 

I can come to only one conclusion: we have offended Set, the Egyptian God of Evil. I do not know what to do now. I would beg for forgiveness, but it would be to a god of evil...which does not seem cool. I mean...look at this dude, we might not want him on our bad side--but having him on our good side seems similarly nas-tastic.

So I ask you, loyal reader, what the fluke should we do about this fluking losing jag we're on?

(Ps, feel free to include Set in your answers, or "fluke", or pie...whatever)