MV-Peanut

Now that Major League Baseball has finished handing out all its bronzed and emblazoned knicknacks to players who helped their teams win divisions and games and what not, we can turn our attention to honoring the best player on our favorite team.

To be sure, after a season where bright spots were often as rare as talent on the set of The Jersey Shore, picking a player who made watching the games a pleasure was tough. Sure Liriano's no-hitter was a treat to see, and Jim Thome's jaw dropping taters were amazing (both for us fans and the guys on deck--see Young, Delmon). But if you were to ask us who made watching the games and tuning in on a daily basis worthwhile there really is only one answer.

So congratulations to our 2011 Peanuts from Heaven Most Valuable Peanut:
MICHAEL CUDDYER.

Yup...this happened.

Now, some might say that this is the easy way out. After all, Cuddyer was the Twins' All-Star representative and yeah he lead the team in Slugging, OPS and WAR and yeah...he's freakin' Michael "Magic Man" Cuddyer. But there's more than that. When Cuddy came to bat we had sudden, inexplicable surges of optimism. No matter where he played--Right field, First Base, Second or Third--we couldn't help but appreciate the all out effort on every play. We actually kept hoping he'd suddenly end up pitching....then he did.

So there's Cuddy, hitting, fielding, pitching, helping with team broadcasts, blogging on the side, raking the infield dirt and doing everything short of playing Baby Elephant Walk on the organ. How do you not love a guy who does all that? Heck, what else could Cuddyer do at that point?

Well...he could do it all...in a foreign country, during a mid-season excursion with we bloggers to Thailand. And sure enough, he did it all again.

Cuddy makes the catch to
support Cabbages & Condoms

Cuddy makes a catch in honor
of the Queens birthday

Cuddy makes the diving catch, despite
the shallow depths of the pool.

Cuddy fights through jungle undergrowth
to make the catch

Cuddy celebrates a delicious green curry
by making a big catch

That's how good Michael Cuddyer was this year. He was the best Twins player on two continents. So, on today of all days we have to be sure to be thankful to have seen Michael Cuddyer at his very best this year. Bravo Cuddy, let us know where to send the hardware.

Oh, god! The Hot Stove!!

If you're a frequent reader of this blog (and if you are, we love you) you might be wondering why we have not been written anything of late. Well, Stinky, has been hard at work on various things, and I have been celebrating the sacred holiday of Gardygiving (which involves eating way too much for weeks on end and basking in eternal gratitude to the one true Gardenhire). But we're back and here we be with a quick check on the last few weeks in Twins news and notes:

Joe Mauer and Delmon Young finish in the top 10 of AL MVP voting

It's not as cool as a big shiny trophy, but just remember Joe Mauer had a down year and Delmon Young still gets ripped by 90% of Twins Fans, and suddenly it seems like quite the accomplishment. But I still bet Stinky's dad call's him Delmont

Twins win the negotiation rights to Japanese Shortstop Tsuyoshi Nishioka

Chibbe Lotte Marines standout and slap base hitter could do well in a big ball park like Target field, and the fact that the Twins are willing to spend money just on the opportunity to potentially sign the guy sounds pretty good to most fans. But perhaps the most interesting part of this is that Nishikowa makes art during commercials, and commercials during art.

I don't know about you, but I prefer my shortstops with just a hint of artistic genius.

and...oh yeah

Ron Gardenhire wins Manager of the Year, gets a new contract and gets his own day in Minnesota

Responses from our friends, allies and acquaintances

Stinky: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SO HAPPY!!! GARDY!!!

Sparky: It's cool, but Terry Francona shoulda--(Scruffy: I'm gonna stop you there...No)

Denard Span: "Congrats to the best manager in bestball! Way overdue"

The Knitting Queen: Good for him!

Tim Pawlenty: Let us rejoice and give blessings in honor of Gardenhire the noble and most high! (Scruffy: "Way ahead of you Timbo")

Batgirl: "Feel great disturbance in Force. As if millions of Internet cranks cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced"

Seriously though, way to go Gardy--you the man--or gnome...you can be whatever you wanna be, you're Gardy.

We don't want to make too many promises here, but both Stinky and I are hoping that once grad school comes to a mid-year hiatus we will have a little more time to nerd it up. In the mean time, simmer little hot stove...simmer!

Checking the Stove

I'm tempted to put off posting until tomorrow so we can say something about the Manager of the Year vote and the overdue recognition of Ron Gardenhire that will either be even more overdue or just...due.

But since this is my one real free day of the week, I'm going to celebrate by thinking about baseball.......ahhhh.....and the pain just fades away :)

Big Twins News from the Past Week

Joe Mauer Wins 3rd Gold Glove and 4th Silver Slugger:

With the economy the way it is precious metals are worth more than ever before, and lots of people are investing heavily in such commodities...Joe Mauer plays baseball with them. (He also won the less coveted Bronze Shinguard and Copper Jock Strap)

Justin Morneau doesn't like the Target Field fences:

Morneau also dislikes concussions, the Yankees and Brussel Sprouts. But according to the super-nerds at ESPN's Stats and Info Blog maybe he should like it. According to the USDA he should also like Brussel Sprouts...but unless they're wrapped in Canadian Bacon Justin isn't buying it.

Twins Payroll Likely to Increase:

And in a related story...those of us in Grad School are seriously doubting our decision to dedicate our lives to academics instead of baseball.

Danny Valencia Places 3rd in Rookie of the Year Voting:

And Twins Fans from Bismark to Moscow thank the Lord that Danny V is not the second coming of Marty Cordova.

Finally, a fun link from Cody over at North Dakota Twins Fan that we can seriously get behind--baseball players and the periodic table of elements: a winning combination!

Heavy Duty Hardware

As the playoffs role on, Stinky and I wanted to make a small shout out to a Twin who had a great season and deserves to take home an award that recognizes his superb contribution to not only Twins Territory but all of America. You can help him obtain this accolade by following the link below and casting your vote in recognition of his awesomeness:

VOTE CARL PAVANO FOR MUSTACHIOED AMERICAN OF THE YEAR!

It takes a great man to wear a psuedo-caterpillar on his upper-lip all year, to with stand the taunts and jeers of visiting teams and remain strong in the face of adversity. Carl Pavano did all that AND avoided the embarrassment of getting foodstuffs trapped in his lip jacket.

A Man, a Minnesotan, A Mustachioed Defender of Freedom!

Things we Want and Awards we Got

There has been much discussion of late regarding which positions we should try to fill during the offseason.
Most people think we need a veteran pitcher, to fill the gaping hole in our starting rotation left by Kevin Slowey, Glen Perkins, Francisco Liriano and...pretty much we don't have a starting rotation. So I see their point.

HOWEVER.

We think that instead of a *veteran* pitcher, we would suggest a *cool* pitcher. A *nerdy* pitcher. Someone who can get us in good with the current political administration. I am speaking of course, about this guy. The loudmouth commenters who write on ESPN may not agree with our logic, but we think he has several things going for him:

1) He plays for the Pirates. We like the Pirates.
2) He's a big nerd, and would rather spend his offseason as a government intern than playing video games and doing keg stands (not that i'm stereotyping or anything).
3) Having lost the Master Librarian to the dark bowels of AAA ball, we need someone to fill the sophistication gap in our roster. Someone with class and dignity. Someone who looks good in black and white and who can lounge seductively across a stack of books. I think we've found our man.

Also, we are proud to once again announce the following awards from the National Organization to Reward Electronic Arts and Literature (this following our impressive haul last year)

192nd most exclamation marks in history of bloggerdom (Spots 1-191 belong to Glen Beck)

27th most gratuitous copyright infringement.

18th best new public service campaign: For the Running is Stupid efforts of Jason Kubel.

3rd best reappropriation of classical literature for totally unrelated purposes.

Best use of Mozart in a Baseball Blog

And WORST BLOG EVER...if you're a Yankpire.

(And as a personal award: Bestest Road Trip EVER!)

A special announcement from our Glorious Leader

Loyal citizens of Twinnesota, noble citizens of Twinnesota, attractive citizens of Twinnesota, it is through you that our Territory of Baseball has been made great, and will continue to be great.

However, it is also due to me, and the fact that I am generally awesome at everything I do. I hit the ball, I hit the ball far, I catch the ball, I throw the ball, and did I mention that part about hitting the ball, I do that too. I have also been known to freestyle rap and date beauty queens. Also, I can hit the ball really, really well.

It is not surprising therefore that we have been recognized as a great and powerful team within the baseball world. Nor is it surprising that I have been named the most valuable, important and brilliantest man in the entire baseball universe. This is because I am so good at so many things, and because I draw my strength from you the greatest of the great peoples. It is for these reasons that we are superior to the evil land of Yankpires to the East and also for these reasons that I have been named as superior to the foolish capitalist dogs known as "Tex" and "Jeets". The foolish assumption that they are my equals makes me laugh. Ha. Ha ha. Ha.

However, we must not rest upon our laurels. We Twinnesotans must always strive towards a glorious future day when Yankpires shall no longer rule the earth and the land of Twinnesota will be lifted up to the glory and honor it deserves and Nerds Blizzards will once again be made in every Dairy Queen across our great land.

Until that day, my fellow Twinnesotans I will lead you, but I must ask for your help. I have noticed a laxness among our people lately. Whyfore have we let the sides of our heads go hairless? A hairless side of head is synonymous with collusion with capitalist forces in the shaving cream industry and must be discouraged.

Therefore, let us all grow our sideburns in accordance with the commands of me, your glorious leader. Also, please give me several more millions of dollars each year, that is not the request of capitalist dog, but rather your glorious leader who has earned this reward. But mostly, remember the sideburns, these are very important.

I am grateful for this very nice, very shiny award, and will be equally pleased when the millions of dollars enter my bank account and I can see fields of sideburns growing across our fair land. But most of all, my fellow Twinnesotans, I will beam with pride when we conquer the baseball world, which we will do, for we are Twinnesotans, we are noble, we are proud, and we are deserving of the greatness to come.

THIS HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM THE HONORABLE CHAIRMAN MAUER, GLORY AND HONOR TO HIS NAME.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

Forgive this post's tardiness, I wanted to give my cohort a chance to chime in--but vacation is just too much fun.

Anyway, on Thursday night it was "back to the L-column we go, when it stops, no one knows."

And while we would be normally very excited that Delmon got into the Hit Club, it seemed as though once he was in there everyone else wanted to leave. So perhaps our man in Left Field ought to switch to Axe Body Wash--Girlfriend and Teammate approved.

Unfortunately, smell-o-vision is not installed on MLB.TV, so I don't know how Delmon smelled tonight [tear]. (I was also otherwise occupied with a departmental dinner at which I talked more about the World Cup than baseball, and tried not to fixate upon the unknowns in Kansas City.)

Turning it on after we had the lead was delightful. Keeping it on while Shaggy and the Princess and the Dread Pirate mowed down hitters was excellent. Kansas City suddenly deciding it didn't want to play along after Joe may or may not but definitely did nail the outside corner, by hitting a tying home run--That stank. Stank like Delmon's new cologne--"Eau d'.240 hitter."

And so, like a pig in filth, like a college freshman in beer, like Quentin Tarantino in blood, I wallowed--in despondency (not bloody beer filth). And I pondered all the terrible horrible no good very bad things about this season, and the concerning news about Brawny--Justin Morneau--seeing a specialist about an inner-ear infection.

[However, we should note that this inner-ear infection, makes him the second man since Denard Span to need to see a specialist, and making Justin the second winner of our coveted: "FOR GOD SAKE STOP STICKING THINGS IN YOUR EAR!!!!" Award.

You see, after Denard won the inaugural award earlier this year for sticking a lug wrench inside his cabesa, the competition for the second award was fierce below are our three runners up, and the items they stuck inside their melons.

Third Prize: Bobby Keppel--the spark plug for a 1986 Buick Skylark

Second Prize: Alexi Cassilla--a quart of mole sauce from Bar Abeline in Uptown, Minneapolis

First Prize: Carl Pavano--A divot from Hazeltine National Golf Course that was (supposedly) licked by Tiger Woods himself

And the GRAND PRIZE: Justin Morneau for making a Tagalong Blizzard inside his own ear canal and then attempting to feed it to Rookie Jeff Manship by sticking a spoon inside it.

(Honorable mention--minor league division--RA Dickey burned his Norton Anthology of English Literature (Origins to 1700) and stuck the ashes in his ear...good try R.A. But you'll need to try harder if you want to make it back up to the big club.)]

Suddenly there was a tense panic in the voice of Royals' announcers--a drive slicing away from Right fielder "Free" Willy Bloomquist? Alexi Casilla on first? Go-Go-gogogogogogogogogogo--and there was the lead again...and then there was Joe Nathan, and there was drama, and there was me saying: "get this chump sucka!" and then it was over--and our return to the L column was over.

Praise be to Or Land O' Lakes Cabrera--we are outta here. Once again guys--Thanks for your efforts--now FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP STICKING THINGS IN YOUR EARS!!!!

Worth Mentioning

Two things occurred on Thursday that ought to be mentioned. First Joe Mauer was named Player of the Month for May, to which Twins Territory responded with a thundeorus: "Well...DUH!!!"

Still the victory for our great and glorious catcher--all praises be unto him for through him do all well pitched games flow--is worth noticing. Please pay homage at one of his many statues throughout the Twin Cities metro area--do not be like the guys just sitting drinking in front of the statue--PAY HOMAGE DANG IT!!!

Also worth mention is the 300th career victory of Randy "Big Unit" Johnson. Whom you might remember as the first of the four pitchers of the apocalypse that we faced in successive games last season (he was also the first man to make me photoshop--as you can see I did it poorly).

Still and all the victory for the big mullet is notable because more than any other pitcher he seemed the most fierce, the most ferocious, and while I still think that Greg Maddux and Johan Santana are better than he ever has been...Johnson is by far the most intimidating. The man killed a bird that flew between his pitch and the plate...KILLED IT! I'm not pro-bird killing, but I am pro-not-making-a-man-who-can-kill-a-bird-with-a-baseball mad.

So, in the spirit of not making Randy Johnson kill us all with his fastballs of doom. Let us raise a toast, and perhaps a two foot long hotdog cooked by a Rock God to (Honestly, its on the second page of the menu) a man who might not have a statue of him in the Twin Cities, who might not have beaten us in the last few years, but who does possess perhaps the greatest mullet of all time, and is now as he has ever been--one hell of a pitcher.

Kudos Randy Johnson--you're almost as cool as Joe Mauer...if by almost you mean, not nearly at all--but still cool in your own way.

Long Time Coming...

Sorry everyone. I know I've been a slacking blogger...the combination of work, classes, choir and grad school applications has had a disastrous effect on my ability to goof off :( Nevertheless I though I should provide full if belated coverage on our very own, totally awesome Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's Silver Sluggers. Justin was initially confused and thought they said "Silver Slug"...that got kind of gross.

The following are endorsements of M&M from their adoring fans:

Gardy (manager, garden gnome): "Mauer and Morneau are so awesome it's ridiculous. They make me want to do a happy dance and throw my hat in a good way...not in the angry way I did this summer. With Mauer and Morneau we can all throw our hats in joy! And then we can all win manager of the year. Or not."

Joe Nathan (Teammate, pirate): "A;BLKAJEPROW!!!!!!!! JOE NATHAN BALLLLLLLGHHHHHH!!!!...arr."

Michael Cuddyer (Teammate, care-bear): "Aww man...Joe and Justin warm the cockles of my heart. They make me want to hug puppies and save the world by radiating love and cuteness. Oh wait I do that anyways."

The New York Yankees (Satan): "Yeah it's too bad that pipe bomb we planted in their hotel room never went off..."

Johan Santanta (former teammate, rockstar): "They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Mmmm...melty"


ew.


So, there you have it friends. A fair, impartial and completely true evaluation of our brilliant friends.

Mr. Runner Up

As cool as it is that Joe Mauer has won a gold glove, and as awesome as it is that we, your noble authors, have been acknowledged as the 9th Best Blog for Photoshopped Pictures of the Minnesota Twins, we feel a little bad for the magical garden gnome who inhabits our dugout.

 Yesterday, Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon was named American League Manager of the year, and, yes, he deserved it, but even if he did we don't really enjoy seeing Gardy look like this year after year:

You see, every year, the Twins are pretty damn awesome, but before the next season begins we are told that we have no chance to perform well again. Then, we do. Throughout this remarkable run the roster has had a rotating cast, the pitchers have come and gone and free agents are fleeting. But we always have Gardy. 

So it kind of stinks that in the 7 years he has been our manager, he has never been named manager of the year. He has finished in second place, four times now. Every other AL Central manager has beaten him to the hardware while he beats them on the field. 

As he endures another winter without a shiny new accolade, we send Gardy our support--and the title of Official Peanuts From Heaven Garden Gnome! Congratulations Gardy...we will always love you.

PROOF WE RULE!

We here at Peanuts From Heaven are proud to announce that we have won the following awards from the National Organization To Reward Electronic Arts & Language.

Honorable Mention for Gratuitous Objectification of a Man's Buttocks (you're welcome Justin)

81st Most Incessant Giggling While Writing Posts That Only Amuse the Blog's Writers

43rd Best Use of A Random Point System (see the Enemies posts...you'll understand)

26th Highest Likelihood of a Libel Lawsuit for Gross Mischaracterization of an Individual

23rd Best New Superhero (CAKEBURN! He foils his enemies using cake and trails of skittles...I dare you to come up with a tastier way to be foiled)

18th Most (Impressive) use of Parentheses

9th Best use of Photoshop (see Beatles, Lord of the Rings, John Adams, etc.)

3rd Best Neologism of the Year. (Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you: SUPRACTION!)

2nd Best Blog Written by Peanuts (I'd like to know who won that category....I mean, peanuts with opposable thumbs are a rare breed)

and...most importantly...

THE BEST BLOG EVER WRITTEN BY THE TWO PEOPLE WHO WRITE IT

We'd like to thank all those who read our blog (by which we mean ourselves) and all those who will read it now that we have won awards from the National Organization To Reward Electronic Arts & Language.