Smells Like Lutefisk, Ya Know?

It was Lutheran Night at Target Field.

This caused several problems. First of all, the EMTs were in over their heads before the game even started when fans began passing out left and right due to wearing Norwegian Sweaters in the 90 degree heat. Secondly, in a sudden reversal of the principles of economics, prices of back row seats shot up 300% because nobody wanted to sit in the front. There was also great confusion when fans tried to sing grace before eating their hot dogs and were unsure whether to "strengthened for thy service be" or "feast in paradise with thee" -a brawl actually broke out in section 214. There was also the 4 part harmony dramz during the national anthem (there were too many sopranos), and the fact that many people were so reluctant to rudely walk in front of one another that they simply refused to go to the restroom at all, which resulted in an unfortunate stinkyness throughout many sections of the stadium.

Down in the dugout, Drew Butera was trying to figure out what to do. He had just gotten in touch with his Norwegian self, and he realized that ordering Pavano to throw certain pitches was not very Lutheran. He decided instead to make "suggestions" to Carl, and then if he didn't like what Carl threw he would call Ben Revere later to complain and maybe also to gossip about Luke Hughes.

Danny Valencia, meanwhile, was having a conniption. "But GUYS," he said. "It's LUTHERAN NIGHT. We can't just score runs against these guys, they get beat up by the Yankees and the Red Sox all the time and it just...it wouldn't be very nice."

"Well," said Cuddy, as he smiled extra-bright and his dimples shone like an exploding supernova. "What should we do then? I mean chances are we're going to hit the ball occasionally and probably get on base sometimes."

Joe Mauer chimed in then - he'd been thinking a lot about this Lutheran niceness and such. "How about I'll wait until there are 2 outs before I get a hit? And then probably no one will score, so we won't make the Orioles feel too bad."

"Gee," said Danny. "That's a great idea! And then maybe we can guilt them into letting us win!!" It was too brilliant (and too convoluted) to fail.

Or not.

And that is how the Twins got smacked down by the Baltimore Orioles, 4-1 on August 22, 2011. There was also some serious fan interference, and some extremely un-Norwegian behavior exhibited by Gardy (awesome) but the important thing you must remember - we lost tonight because of passive-aggressiveness. And also lutefisk.

Mr. Clutch

For the first time in 6 years the Twins won two games based on game-winning RBI's by the same player delivered after the 7th inning. The last player to do this was Jacque Jones, today it is Danny Valencia. While I'm well aware that statisticians and serious baseball writers insist that there is no such thing as "Clutch" hitting. Good and bad hitters will hit at the same rate with runners on base, with bases empty, with no outs, with two outs, with a two run lead, trailing by four, in the second inning or the twenty-second. This, is probably true.

But things that are true belong on other blogs, we prefer the impractical, illogical, imagined dream of the game--if only because that's the kind of game that we find most enjoyable. So while others will tell you not to get too excited about Danny V's sudden surge of timely hitting, we want you to buy in...and hopefully buy this product that Danny himself would like to introduce...Danny?

Thank you Peanuts--I'm proud to use this setting to announce my new, and utterly chimerical business venture. And to do so, I'm going to ask you readers to hear my words swoon off the screen as I whisper them gruffly and look broodingly into the camera.

Twins fans, they say that clutch doesn't exist; they say it is a foolish dream; they say it's a figment of your imagination.

They are wrong.

Sure, there's no mathematical equation for clutch...but there is a chemical one...and it can be yours as it has always been mine.

Peanuts from Heaven is proud to introduce

CLUTCH

The new fragrance by Danny Valencia

Available next to Dumbledore's Powdered Unicorn Horn at all Peanut From Heaven Superstores

Thanking the little people

June is over, with the Twins playing really well for about half of it, and sort of mediocre for the other half. This past month we've started to get a few players back [Nishioka, Mauer, Thome], and we've lost a few others [Kubel, Span, Delmondo]; we've discovered the joys of having Ben Revere scoop up almost everything within a square mile of Target Field and come to re-appreciate the pitching brilliance of Messers Baker, Blackburn and Pavano (plus Liriano when the stars align)

But it seems that the blogosphere and twitterverse and pretty much every armchair manager who calls into talk radio fixates on the big names (as my "To Mock or Not to Mock Mauer" posts attest). So today we decided to turn our attention away from the sideburned center of attention, and consider a couple other guys who trot out there, give it their all, and head home without drawing accolades or much discussion. So, let's give them their moment in the blogging spotlight now...before we forget all about them over the rest of July.

1. Luke Hughes: despite failing to land a middle infield spot out of spring training, or in April...or May...Hughes has finally stuck as the team's first baseman with Justin Morneau recovering from surgery (at least until Michael Cuddyer finishes playing both right field and the Pirate King in the Guthrie's Pirates of Penzance...then he can relearn 1st and get back to illustrating his series of children's books). Hughes has delivered a few clutch hits and done a fine job digging out the throws from our League of Nations infield. While we were tempted to simply cry "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie (oi, oi, oi)" whenever he came to the plate, we've lately decided to hold on to the theory that he's a distant descendent of Luke Skywalker. [Think about it: Tatooine is basically the Australian outback; and he does train at the Dagobah Gym/Jedi Academy.] So thank you Luke Hughes, for playing first base and giving us a chance to let our geek flag fly.
2. Glen Perkins: I have often assumed that Glen Perkins joined the team after welostDennys Reyes, simply because Perkins was the new official family friendly restaurant of the Minnesota Twins (if Perkins leaves the team we better sign somebody named Applebee, or Chuck E. Cheese). But truth be told, Perkins might be the most comforting face you can see come out of the bullpen, regardless of whether he comes with free refills or not. Watching him deliver clutch strike outs in the 8th inning makes each game seem winnable...no matter how Matt Capps toys with our emotions in the 9th.
3. Danny Valencia: I know he's got a cult following, but his middling play early left us all looking elsewhere. So it's been nice to see Danny Boy knocking a few over the fence in the month of June, and while we all might like those hits to come a skosh more consistently, there's nothing wrong with using the good ol Valen-SEE-YA shout out when they fly into the stands. Stinky's dad suggested that Danny might be in Gardenhire's doghouse for some poor base running decisions, but as long as he catches a snipe now and then, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Any other small fishies who you think don't get the respect they deserve? (Casilla, Burnett, Rene Rivera?) Leave your comments below and we'll give them their due Peanuts style (which is to say with a little sass and a lot of encouragement. That's how we roll...like weird (but loving) relatives.