12.10.2010

The Most Magical Winter Meetings Ever!

On Sunday I provided my annual predictions for what the Twins would do at the Winter Meetings. Today I provide my annual recap of the Twins activity during the Winter Meetings using the only journalistic skill I have....a fevered imagination laced with pop culture references.* (For previous years of examples click here or here)

MONDAY:
10:55 AM--Upon hearing the announcement that George Steinbrenner was not elected to the Hall of Fame, the entire Twins front office sheds a collective tear of gratitude that Bert Blyleven's (hopeful) induction to Cooperstown will not be overshadowed by legions of Yankee fans paying homage to a multi-billionaire.

4:10 PM--The Pohlad family offers Cliff Lee eight thousand lakes over seven years. They are turned down.

8:21 PM--Team officials have a dinner meeting with the agents for Japanese infielder Tsuyoshi Nishioka regarding a potential contract for the next three seasons, but nearly ruin their chances by failing the oh so crucial business card exchange at the beginning of the meeting.

10:56 PM--In a desperate attempt to save the potentially disastrous negotiations, a slightly tipsy GM Bill Smith commandeers a local karaoke machine and delivers an soul stirring rendition of Cee Lo Green's "F*** You!".
11:00 PM--Even though he hates the cultural stereotype, Nishioka and his agents can't resist Cee Lo Green, and hop up on stage to join Smith in an encore. (Meetings are described as "productive")

TUESDAY:
5:12 AM--In an effort to beat the crowds, Smith and his deputies stand outside the gates to the Magic Kingdom in order to get on all the cool rides first.

11:42 AM--Tiring after their ninth roller coaster, Smith wonders if four prospects and all day ride passes would be enough to get Royals Pitcher Zack Grienke in a trade.

11:43 AM--Smith sees "Buzz Lightyear's SpaceRanger Spin" and wisely holds on to his most valuable assets.

7:20 PM--To make a good day even better Smith picks up the 6th Season of Lost on DVD from a "Discount Bin" in one of the many Disney stores ("C'mon," Smith is heard to remark "the finale wasn't that bad!")

WEDNESDAY:
3:01 AM--Halfway through rewatching the final season of Lost, Smith regrets ever letting go of Matt Fox.

7:17 AM--In an attempt to get over the loss of Matt Fox, Smith goes through an address book full of old, often injured pitchers hoping to impress one of them with his knowledge of Lost.

12:23 PM--After Octavio Dotel, Rich Harden, Brandon Webb, and Chris Young greet his theorizing with awkward silence, Smith drowns his sorrows in appletinis with Nick Punto (for old time's sake).


5:58 PM--After a few too many appletinis Smith offers Carl Pavano a two year contract worth $20 Million, and offers Carl Pavano's mustache a 3 year contract worth $36 million.

9:14 PM--Despite an impassioned argument by his mustache, Pavano decides to wait for a better deal.

THURSDAY:
6:26 AM--After Orioles GM Lee McPhail bogarts the bacon bucket at the hotel's make-your-own omelette station, Smith agrees to trade JJ Hardy to the Orioles in exchange for two relief pitchers, the bacon bucket and three kinds of cheese.

10:38 AM--While packing up for the flight home a Twins official trips over long ago misplaced infielder Brendan Harris. Having filled all their suitcases the Twins have no alternative but to include Harris in the trade with the Orioles.

*Please note: All depictions of Bill Smith in this post are made out of affection for his acumen, the belief that he can take a joke, and jealousy of the fact that he is far smarter than I am.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Post a Comment