How Hamilton Explains This Lousy Twins Season

In the midst of one of the most disappointing Twins seasons in memory, it's natural to look around for something, anything, to explain or distract from what promises to be a long, hard campaign.

That's where pulitizer-winning, grammy-winning, genius-crafted (even if said genius is a Yankees fan), best-selling, award-monopolizing musical Hamilton comes in. Sure you can listen to it and distract yourself from the announcement of yet another dropped fly ball, blown lead, or ill-timed strike out. But you can also catch a glimpse of what how it might feel and what can still be done this year.

My favorite example of Hamilton as metaphor for the Twins Season comes from the voice of George Washington in his first appearance on stage (starting at 0:52)

So how does this explain...and offer a possible solution to the Twins situation? I'm glad you asked

We are outgunned (witness the Pitching); outmanned (witness the ill-timed injuries); outnumbered (witness the teams lack of statistical acumen); outplanned (witness seemingly every decision that the manager or front office has made in the past six months).

Still, we have model of a "modern major (field) general", the "venerated...veteran" Joe Mauer, who must be dumbstruck that just as he gets back into form, the entire squad built to support him has gotten blown into smithereens. The players he could be leading "keep retreating", regressing in their performance or being sent back down to Rochester to work out their kinks. And great as Joe has been, he "cannot be everywhere at once people", and remains: outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered, outplanned.

While some, including me, have long preached patience, confidence and trust in that the same tactics that led to past success, it may be time to stop admiring "how [we] fire...from a distance" and just see "how things work out" and try something different.

Mauer (L) and an unnamed rookie (R)
Or Christopher Jackson (L) and Lin Manuel Miranda (R)

So, Mauer needs a "right hand" man, a Hamilton to his Washington. Someone fearless enough to stick it out through the problems, and get aggressive now and then. Someone who is optimistic, ready to "rise up", and capable of acknowledging that doing the same thing over and over can end your career, but adapting and adjusting is what's necessary to survive. Put another way, in the big leagues: "dying is easy, living is harder."

We can't expect that the "right hand man" is going to come galloping to our rescue from outside the organization. Mauer and company can do battle on the field, but they're going to have to make do with "what our Congress [aka the Twins Front Office] has promised". We can't beat other teams at their own games, but for all the rookies who rise up "young, scrappy, and hungry" we can't afford to "throw away their shot".

We are outgunned, outmanned: so whichever youngster is ready to step up, they can and should help to lead the way and promote the culture of winning with the fellow prospects who fought with them on the fields of Fort Meyers, Chattanooga and Rochester.

We are outnumbered, outplanned: but if you can adapt and bring in a few strong skills from outside the organization (maybe defensive metrics? maybe different attitudes about pitch selection) you can "master the element of surprise" and even if we lose the battle, we can win the war.

So, who is it going to be? Berrios? Sano? Buxton? Chargois? Any of them...all of them...because while our general might need a right hand man, there's more to it that one silver bullet, or one pump up song

Adopt a Prospect 3.4: Why I Like JT Chargois More than A-Rod

More interesting that Target Field

It has not been an easy last two weeks for our Adopted Prospect: Mr. Jon Tiberius Chargois (okay it's Jon Thomas...but give me some nerd slack). He had his worst outing of the year giving up 6 earned runs on three walks and three hits, and the breezy dominance that made Chargois a Florida State League All-Star seems like a distant memory compared to his current form.


And yet, this weekend, as the Twins got snake bitten (again) by the Yankees and their complicated, record-book busting (again) DH Alex Rodriguez, I found myself eagerly turning away from the superlative performances of A-Rod at Target Field, to the minor league box scores for word of Chargois.


It may seem like a silly comparison: Alex Rodriguez, love him or hate him, will go down in the annals of baseball history; JT Chargois will be in this odd little corner of cyber space...but probably, not much else. And while the part of me that loves athletic excellence is inclined to see the very best players do their very best work, a much larger part of me wants to cheer for Chargois much MUCH more than A-Rod.

The reasons I care more about a AA reliever than the fourth most prestigious home run hitter in baseball doesn't depend on the history of a rivalry, or the fact that one is paid by Minnesota billionaires and the other is paid by New York billionaires. It comes back to the fact that Sports is the rare entertainment that demands honesty.

Other entertainments live on the other side of truth. Movies and books are fictional. Music and even visual arts (painting and sculpture) are as much about what people (and record companies) know will sell, rather than purely what people have lived or feel.

But sports demands honesty. Do your best, play fair, and may the best team win. Do that, and we'll root, root, root for the rest of our lives.

Therein lies the problem. A-Rod is fundamentally dishonest: he didn't trust his best to be good enough, he didn't play fairly with those who stayed clean, and he tried to rig the game so his team would be better than the best.

No question, A-Rod is entertaining, powerful and impressive (even more so on PEDs). But that was a fiction. He insisted he was legitimate twice, once while using and once after getting caught in two more moments of dishonesty. If he was a pro-wrestler, or doing some crazy in-depth performance art it could be strangely intriguing, but instead it's just fake, false and infuriating to watch.

That's why I like a middling AA prospect and can't stand one of the best power-hitters in over a century of baseball. Because JT Chargois is not perfect and makes no pretenses about it. His scuffles at AA are part of the game, an honest failure, just as his run of scoreless innings from April to June was an honest success.

I don't like Alex Rodriguez. I don't wish him ill. I don't hope he suffers. I just wish he were more like JT Chargois.

Adopt a Prospect 3.3: Interest Spike

Once a month we check in on our adopted prospect, JT Chargois, bring him soup, pat him on the back, whisper sweet nothings about his rapidly improving performances to Terry Ryan in the hopes that he becomes a pitcher ready to make meaningful contributions to the Twins in the near future.

When last we checked in on JT Chargois he was starting the long road back to pitching domination.

That road got a little shorter in the interim.


Chargois was promoted to Chattanooga on May 26th. To be sure the literal road from Chattanooga to the Twin Cities is shorter than the one from Fort Myers (about 700 miles shorter), but it's also metaphorically shorter (what with the higher level of competition and all), and even setting that aside a promotion this quickly into the season, a promotion back up to the level that many of his peers are already at, speaks to just how close Chargois is to getting his game back where he wants it to be (he's now half-a-year younger than his competitors rather than nearly a full year older).

He ran off a month worth of outings without allowing an earned run. He boosted his strike out records (due, we have no doubt, to particularly spiky curve ball). And he doubled his save tally as he became more and more comfortable with high leverage and late innings.


So is it fair to say that interest in JT "Spike" Chargois is..."spiking"?

Yes...but a better question is: what will Chargois do now that interest has?

After all, anyone can get an interest spike. (Hell, random lurkers make my page look popular on utterly random days.) But the better consideration is what I should do with those new eyeballs. How I can keep their attention and remain memorable.

Spikes are great on lots of things: punk-rock-jewelry, stegosaurii, Curveballs of Doom, but on interest graphs...they're aberrations, nothing more, nothing less.

So, what next for Chargois? Well...he started off in Chattanooga with a rocky outing, loading the bases on three singles, and though he didn't cede a run, it was more base runners than he'd allowed since the ugliness of April 13th (the last time he gave up an earned run). And like that unfortunate outing, he's been better but not amazing in his two outings since. He'll have a hard time cracking through the supremely talented relief corps in Chattanooga, but other pitchers will see interest spike, other outings will show his gifts.

We call Chargois "spike" for his talent, his pitch and (ideally) his demeanor, not for mere flashes of greatness. We trust there will be a long and positive Chattanooga season ahead of him, even though the fun of Ft. Meyers is firmly in his rearview mirror.

Adopt-a-Prospect: A Long Road

When last we checked in on JT Chargois he was starting a long and vital season on his road to recovery and professional debut. Working back from injury is never easy, as Chargois found out to his detriment on his second outing.

After 23 pitches against the Tampa Yankees on April 13th, Chargois had retired one batter, acquired a 27.00 ERA, and faced his first major set back in his comeback.

Conveniently though, a comeback doesn't begin and end with a single appearance, nor does a season, nor does someone's status as a prospect.

That's one of the problems with tracking prospects as carefully and chronicling their ups and downs. The peaks feel monumental and the valleys feel canyon-esque. We get so excited by a strong week that we demand a call up, and so disappointed by a poor showing that we may fear the worst.

But it's a long road to the majors, and an even longer road back from injury. That's what we see in JT Chargois.

Since his lousy April 13th, Chargois has made 9 appearances, each for a single inning, and bit by bit he's dropped his ERA, dropped his WHIP, and boosted his strike outs. He hasn't allowed an earned run, he's yielded 8 base runners and notched 10 strike outs, he's become a valuable cog in the Fort Myers bullpen, and begun to establish a bit of reliable form.

There's more to come, obviously. More success and more challenges. There will be other outings as abysmal as the one in Tampa, and many more innocuous ones besides. But above all else, there will be more. And as he returns form injury that's enough to be getting on with.

Adopt-A-Prospect: Meet JT Chargois

Three years ago, we Peanuts adopted a prospect. A delightful prospect we thought could grow into an intimidating reliever...or at least his beard could. A guy we cared for, and supported through thick and (more frequently) thin, until finally, we waved good bye as he ran joyfully through a field upstate, where all the released prospects go when they're released.

We spent a year in mourning, but we're ready to re-open our hearts, to another prospect. And to that end, we've adopted another in the long line of promising potential relievers. Who may make it themselves, or may be cobbled together by Terry Ryan in some sort of Genetically Modified "SUPER RELIEVER". But enough context, let's meet our guy!

This is JT Chargois

JT Chargois (pronounced SHA-gwa) was born in Sulphur, Louisiana, where he was a Golden Tornado just like former major leaguers "Jocko" Thomas, Pat Rapp and former Twin Casey Daigle.

JT was recruited by and joined the Rice Owls when he left High School in 2009, though apparently he didn't need much convincing to join Rice since his dad praised both their athletics and their academics. Still, he left the Owls after his impressive Junior year when the Twins drafted him (as well as fellow Owl Tyler Duffey) in the second round of the 2015 draft. Many were excited about him as a nearly developed prospect, while my traditional 5 word analysis was: "Spikey" Curveball helps: in ROLLERBALL!!

DEEP CUT!

(An explanatory note: Major League Baseball's capsule on Chargois during the 2012 Draft described his curveball as "Spikey". Not knowing exactly what that meant or looked like, I did what any responsible blogger would do and ignored the opportunity for research in order to make a lame joke about a 1970s James Caan Sci-Fi Sports Flick.)

After a strong debut at Elizabethton (where he finished 8 games, had a 4.4 K/BB ratio and a sub 1 WHIP), Chargois came to spring training 2013 ready to rise quickly. But elbow soreness sent him to extended spring training, then rehab, and finally in the fall of 2013 Tommy John surgery. Having missed the entire 2014 season, Chargois has done well in instructional league and this year's spring training and has started the year with the Ft. Myers Miracle (where he already has one save to his credit). While he's a year older than most High A players, he's also in a good position to rise quickly.

That all makes this a critical year for JT. If everything goes great, he'll move fast and may even be a potential September call-up (assuming Twins relievers implode...a crazy notion I know). If it goes well, it would be reasonable to see him hit AAA and force the Twins into a tricky decision (as Seth already outlined), either putting him on the 40 man roster or risk losing him through the Rule 5 draft. If it goes poorly, the risk of not putting him on the 40-man Roster will plummet, and JT will be facing an even more pressing season coming up. At least so far it looks very good (as this video with the mix of his fastball and curve shows)


So why should you care about JT Chargois? Besides his tremendous upside, he seems like another excellent candidate for our "SUPER RELIEVER" project. His Curveball may be the kind of devastating secondary pitch a reliever needs. And also, if I can make it happen he promises an excellent nickname "SPIKE" Chargois anyone?

We'll keep up the bi-monthly updates in the forum, and will continue to work out a monthly major update

Adopt a Prospect II.5: Never Give Up, Never Surrender

This is the final installment of our inconsistent series attempting to motivate Luis Perdomo who was today, released by the Rochester Redwings and Minnesota Twins

Wings moves: RHP Luis Perdomo released; RHP Cole De Vries promoted from Double-A New Britain.
— Rochester Red Wings (@RocRedWings) August 27, 2013

Good luck, Luis

To most that would sound like a defeat, like the baseball gods are telling you--none too kindly--to get out of the way and not let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

It's sad, but true Luis. You're 29 playing on a team where the average pitcher's age is 26 and a half. You're having one of the two worst seasons in your eight year career. You've only pitched twice in the last two weeks...and not particularly well either time.

It's pretty clear that you have been defeated, Luis. But while that would be the end of the conversation for many people (particularly those in a highly competitive field like professional athletics), that is not the way of those who follow our motivational seminar: De-Restraining the Force Inside You!


So don't give up, Luis. Don't surrender. Keep trying to do what you love. If it's still baseball, by all means keep trying to make your way into a baseball line-up. Keep pitching, or hitting, or take up coaching. Few players who take up baseball ever make it to the Major Leagues, and you did. While it makes sense for someone your age, with your recent track record to give up on baseball, if you want to keep dong it you really should.


If you want to do something else, then by all means, do that, and no matter how many opportunities you have to give up or surrender, please keep working at it until you have the success you desire.

It's not often that a blog writer gets so worked up about the release of a middling middle reliever in AAA. Or that he genuinely hopes said middling middle reliever finds true happiness. But following the career of Luis Perdomo over the last two years taught me precisely this same lesson. Writing about a player who has worked assiduously to do his best, to elevate himself back up to the major leagues reminded me of some of the things I love best about baseball.

It would have been easy to give up writing this blog when the Twins sank into last place. It would have been easy to surrender to the truth that the players I write about and care about aren't terribly exciting, or even all that good, and that my time is better spent elsewhere.

But Luis Perdomo kept pitching, and I kept writing. I'm glad I wrote about him. I'm glad I've continued to write this blog. And I hope that he keeps doing what he loves, just as I'll keep doing what I love.

Never give up, Luis; never surrender.

Adopt a Prospect II.4: "Enjoy the Little Things, Like Pizza Stop Pizza!"

(Disclaimer: since this seminar is designed for Luis Perdomo, Peanuts From Heaven shall not be held responsible for any injury--either physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual--incurred by any person who adopts seminar lessons as their own. We do however take complete credit for any improvement--either physical, mental, emotional or spiritual...and especially financial--of the life of any person who adopts seminar lessons as their own)


It's time to once again boost the spirits of everyone's favorite middle-ish reliever LUIS PERDOMO!! To be sure it has been an up-and-down season for Perdomo, fortunately, lately the ERA and WHIP have been going down, while the K/9 and K::BB Ratio have been going up. 

Still, you can't take anything for granted, whether it's a baseball career or the financial funding for a faux-movitational-seminar. This is why it's increasingly important that you take the time to enjoy the little things in life Luis, like Pizza Stop Pizza! Conveniently located at 123 State Street, less than 2 blocks away from Frontier Field in Rochester! 

Nothing is promised to us in this world, and while we often focus on the importance of capitalizing on each opportunity we have in our professional lives these must be balanced with our personal lives. And we will have no life at all if we don't make time to consume delicious, nutritious food like the Jurassic Chicken Pizza at Pizza Stop Pizza!

Our world is chaotic and always changing. It's important to savor things like the songs of birds, the shine of morning dew on a bed of flowers, the startling punch of Jurassic Barbecue Sauce and the amazing mixture of freshly picked spinach on many of Pizza Stop's excellent vegetarian pizzas.

The more we appreciate the world around us, from the humble farmer harvesting fresh mushrooms, tomatoes and broccoli to the humble cheesemonger seeking an audience for delicious ricotta and parmesan cheeses, the more we integrate ourselves in the world and tap into the natural power of the world. And the more power we draw from the world the easier it is to excel in all that we do, whether that be writing blogs, making pizzas or pitching in Middle Relief for the Rochester Red Wings.

So Luis, we hope that you take this lesson to heart. Enjoy the little things. Oil your glove with care. Chase after batting practice fly balls. Try a garlic, broccoli and mushroom pizza. And let the natural pleasure of these experiences--not to mention the much needed vitamins and minerals available in a fresh-made pizza pie--help you to de-restrain a force inside you.

Promotional consideration for this post was not actually provided by Pizza Stop Pizza. But it totally could be if they wanted it to. Please mail checks and/or slices of pizza to "Peanuts From Heaven Inspirational Seminars LLC; 1234 5/6 Fake Street; St. Apolis, MN 90210"

Adopt a Prospect II.3: Dange-atunity!!

It's time for Lesson Number 3 in our off-brand self-help seminar: Derestraining a Force Inside You. A series of motivational messages directed specifically at Twins AAA reliever Luis Perdomo.

Remember this word Luis!

危机

What's that? You don't speak Mandarin? Oh...well if you did you'd be really impressed. You see, that's the traditional symbol for "crisis" in Mandarin pronounced "Weiji". It combines two other words "danger" and "opportunity" and that's what we want you to think about now Luis: Danger/Opportunity

You see...you're at a dangerous point in your career. You're 29 years old on a minor league pitching staff where the average age is 27. You've been having the kind of season that got you released from your last organization. The franchise you play for just drafted 17 guys (including some 10 years your junior) all intent on taking your job. It may well be a crisis, but it can also be an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to show that you can respond to the pressure. It's an opportunity to show that you are still the man who was impressive enough to move up from AA to the majors last season. It's an opportunity to rebound from adversity and put together your greatest performance yet. But it's unlikely to happen, so it's also a crisis.

That's the lesson today Luis. Treat every dangerous situation as an opportunity and every opportunity as dangerous. It's the only way to respond to pressure and assert your dominance. 

Adopt a Prospect II.2: Derestraining the Force Inside You

It's a frickin' monsoon out there little rainy today, and rather than stare hopefully at the FSN rain delay, hoping that the game restarts and the Twins suddenly remember the good ol' days of two weeks ago when they could crush the Red Sox as easily as a twig under a space ship, we decided to revisit our old pal Luis Perdomo!

Then we saw the statistics and remembered that Luis needs a motivation coach. So it's high time for lesson number two:

(This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk)

Lesson 2: When Life Hands You Lemons, See if You can't get Some Limes, Carbonated Water and High Fructose Corn Syrup to Make a Sugary Soft Drink!

Let's not lie, let's not sugar coat it, let's not pretend that your dog is one new coat of nail polish away from winning the Miss America Project. There will be some hard times in your life and career Luis, hard times like the last two weeks where you gave up a run in all but one of your six appearances. But what matters is not which problems you face, but what you do in response.

The Ultimate Goal

Other motivation coaches might tell you to turn those lemons into Lemonade, but those of us behind the De-Restraining a Force Inside You program, firmly believe that a new age calls for a new mindset. Why settle for Lemonade when you can have a Sugary Lemon-Lime flavored soft drink? After all, the lemonade might be refreshing, but only the soft-drink can be resold for tremendous profit and potential long term health consequences for your enemies!

So yeah, it's not great that you've given up more walks than strikeouts (7 to 6), or that you've given up about as many hits as runs (13 and 12). But what do we do, Luis? We take all those problems and we turn them into a strength for you! Now your opponents have come to mistakenly believe that they can hit whatever you throw up there, but when you unleash your flaming fireballs of doom then there will be no recourse left to them...and if you have no flaming fireballs of doom, you can always use a slider or change-up, then BOOM now the opposition is crippled by your diabetes inducing awesomeness!

Adopt A Prospect II.1: Helping Luis Perdomo Get his Groove Back

When last we left Louie P. he was capping a stellar 2012 season with an abysmal September call-up full of tears, recriminations and the natural side-effects of too much time spent around Jose Bautista.

It was a tumultuous offseason for Perdomo as well, getting cast down from the opulence of the majors to an out right assignment to Rochester. He also lost his bearded prominence among Twins' pitchers to a couple of guys who broke camp with the major league squad: Tyler Robertson and Liam Hendricks (both of whom are now back in Rochester with Perdomo). Now wearing the stubbly shadow left behind in Fort Meyers by Alex Burnett he's off to an inconsistent beginning with the Red Wings.

Peanuts from Heaven means
no disrespect to Tony Robbins
whatsoever...please don't sue.

Following up on a suggestion from our offseason blue print last fall: we peanuts firmly believe that the solution is for Luis to unleash the power within! (However, since Tony Robbins is both unavailable to teach that to Luis and extremely litigious, we'd like to alter that instruction slightly. So Luis, in case you (like all humans with a functioning brain cell and access to the internet) google yourself in the near future. Here is our guide to DE-RESTRAINING A FORCE INSIDE YOU!

Step 1: Take what is in you, and put it OUT THERE!

Remember Luis, you are a source of power and dynamic energy. The human body is capable of incredible things, and, as an athlete, your body is capable of amaze-tastic things! You can do anything because you have the same bones, blood and muscles as thousands who have gone before you. (You could be a nobel laureate, or a world class inventor, or President of the Dominican Republic...or--and I'm just tossing this out there--you could be an above average major league relief pitcher!)

But all that naturally existing energy and all those positive ions are trapped inside of ourselves, inside of our cores. It is up to us to let them out Luis! Visualize your strength! Visualize your stamina! Visualize your beard! And let it rise up through the surface and out into our real world. Let your strength flow through your arm and push the ball an extra mile-per-hour faster. Allow your stamina to expand your frame and fill you up with the will to go more than two-thirds of an inning. Permit your beard to be YOUR BEARD!!

TAKE WHAT IS IN YOU AND PUT IT OUT THERE!!

(This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk)

A Thanksgiving Hors D'ouvre: A Peanuty Blueprint

'Tis the season both for overeating and overanalyzing potential Twins transactions. While most people in Twins Territory will be fixated on football in the next 72 hours, I thought, on the off chance that someone sneaks a peak at this space, that I should make it look presentable. So, here's a new blog on how best to address the biggest issue the local nine faces this year.

Available at Deviant Art

Most of the truly accomplished and respected Twins' bloggers have presented their blueprints for general consumption. The prognosticated quickly, and now, three weeks later, I'm doing the same. But, I do have something to offer which my fellow bloggers do not: a plan that balances a quest for wins with an equally important search: a search for a team fans might once again find interesting!

No offense, I know we like to talk about how victories equal ticket sales, but ticket sales also equal payroll and payroll often equals victories...so I thought approaching the problem from a new direction might prove interesting to some (or...okay...just me). Here now, my blueprint for the Twins 2013 offseason

Step 1: Trade Justin Morneau, Denard Span and Alex Burnett to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Niel Walker, Kyle McPherson and Alen Hanson--sign Walker to a four year, $8 Million contract extension

Sargeant Gardy's Lonely
Hits Club Band in hapier times

Start with the hardest thing I've ever suggested. I love Justin and I love Denard. I've invested considerable hours turning them into ninjas and mounties and an off brand version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; but they are pricy, expendable and in need of a chance to win now rather than later.

After being baseball's best story through June in 2011, and their best story through July in 2012, the Pirates need to win now too. Combining Denard's lead off skills with Justin's big bat should ease the burden on Andrew McCutchen and make it ease the blow of giving up a young, promising second baseman in Walker who helps solve our middle infield problem.

As an added bonus, McPherson's resume resembles the best prospect traded for players like Justin Morneau in the past (Jason Schmidt) and High A ball prospect Alen Hanson may set up a superb left side of the infield with Miguel Sano (he outranks all current Twins SS prospects).

While many fans may be turned off by the loss of two more long time Twins players and the addition of several new, unproven guys, I believe the next moves make up for that.

Step 2: Sign Brandon McCarthy to a three year, $51 million dollar contract (including a mandated Twitter clause) and Francisco Liriano to a one year $5 million/5 million sticks of gum contract (total: 5.3 m)

The man likes gum...

Scared as many might be by the return of Francisco Liriano, there should be comfort in the fact that we know what works for Frankie. Given his Target Field success last year (also in a contract year, and with a magical stash of gum), things should be sunshiney (plus we can always trade him again...provided we pay for the gum).

Meanwhile McCarthy makes a welcome addition of a solid #2 pitcher ahead of Scott Diamond and one who will be under contract for a considerable length of time (more than might have been suggested before the free agent bucks started flying, but hey we'll take what we can get). The added bonus is that even if concussion issues prevent him from being the player he seemed like he could be in the middle of the season, his social media skillz should help younger Twins players know what to do in order to avoid being too Danny Valencia-ish when they make the bigs. Even if some ignore him, the burgeoning hipster market will be inexorably drawn to each of McCarthy's starts.

Step 3: Sign Tony Robbins* to be personal life coach to Liam Hendricks, Luis Perdomo  and Brian Dozier (perhaps Kyle Gibson, Anthony Slama and Joe Benson)--1 year $1.8 Million dollars.

Problem: The Twins have a lot of players who are excellent in AAA and lousy in the majors.
Solution 1: FIRE THEM ALL AND BRING IN FREE AGENTS!
Solution 2: Teach them to unleash the power within! (and save money!)

YOU CAN THROW STRIKES!

This bit of creative problem solving tries a true moneyball approach to the game. Rather than valuing what our competition values (i.e. talent) we can value something else: mentoring and holistic advice! Thus comes Tony Robbins to convince Messers Hendricks Perdomo et al that they don't need to learn how to master the strike zone, because they already have mastered it! (IN THEIR MINDS!!)

*Note: There is a strict: NO FIRE WALK clause in Mr. Robbins' contract

Grady Sizemore:
You're welcome ladies.

Step 4: Sign Grady Sizemore to play RF (1 year $2.5 million).

As I understand it, many of the female fans of the Minnesota region appreciate it when the team not only plays well, but is also mildly attractive. Without Justin Morneau and the charming accent of Luke Hughes, Sizemore will help to increase the HQ (Handosmeness Quotient) of the team.

I'm open to other solutions here, but the plastic surgery needed to make Anthony Swarzak look like Ryan Gosling is a little steep, and creating Fox Sports North Dudes doesn't solve the outfield problem. So, Sizemore might just be a stop gap until Oswaldo Arcia or Aaron Hicks is ready to go. But until then we can all bask in the awkwardness of this story from the Onion.)

Step 5: Decline arbitration for Drew Butera, promote Chris Hermann and sign Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart for $150 thousand.

Now that Matt Capps (aka "Minnesota Fats Jr." aka "Matt Crapps Shoot" aka "Not Him, Please, Dear God Not Him!") has left the team, it's time to address that other outstanding source of fan vitriol--the boondoggle behind the plate.

Rather than let Drew Butera get a raise in arbitration (thus exploding the cerebral cortexes of many fans) I suggest that we let him go, promote minor leaguer Chris Hermann and put the money we save (approximately 150 k) to someone who can radically alter the perception of our catching corps.

Windbreaker not needed

Enter: Jimmy Hart. Those of us who wasted savored our youthful innocence by watching professional wrestling, know that managers in wrestling are even more irrelevant than baseball managers. But! They do provide much needed cache for those they align themselves with. So, if we bring in Jimmy Hart it goes from being "Mauer or Doumit with Hermann  for emergencies"to being "The Twin Cities Triumverate" with finishing moves like "Ryan Sauve's Opposite Field Smash!"or "Hermann's Munster Arm!" or "Chairman Mauer's Great Plate Discipline Forward..." (obviously I'm not as good at this as professional wrestling people are.

And who knows what kind of drama may unfold. Whose to say that Doumit and Mauer don't turn on each other mid-season on a miscommunicated tag? Or that Herman doesn't take a folding chair to create a sudden case of "bilateral leg weakness"? It will be pure sports entertainment...only with an actual sport.

Line up:
CF-Revere-$500k
2B-Walker-$2 M
C-Mauer-$23 M
LF-Willingham-$7 M
DH-Doumit-$3.5 M
1B-Parmelee-$500k
3B-Plouffe-$500k
RF-Sizemore-$2.5 M
SS-Florimon-$500k
Subtotal $40 M
Bench
C-Hermann-$500k
IF-Dozier-$500k
IF-Carroll-$3.75 M
OF-Mastroianni-$500k
Subtotal: $5.25 M
Rotation
#1-Liriano-$5.3 M
#2-McCarthy-$17M
#3-Diamond-$500k
#4-McPherson-$500k
#5-Hendricks-$500k
Subtotal--$ 23.8 M
Bullpen
LHP-Robertson $500k
LHP-Duensing $1.5 M
RHP-Slama $500k
RHP-Perdomo $500k
RHP-Swarzak $500k
SU-Burton $2M
CL-Perkins $2.5 M
Subtotal-- $8 M
Other
Nick Blackburn--$5.5 M
Jimmy Hart--$150k
Tony Robbins $1.8 M
Subtotal--$7.45 M

TOTAL PAYROLL: $82.05 M 

From this position we could easily add payroll as needed if we do well, or swap out others (Sizemore, Liriano, Carroll, Willingham, Doumit) if we don't. Most importantly we've got some marketable commodities here to keep the turnstiles turning and keep the fans interested (if not completely excited) and establish Walker and McCarthy as building blocks back to consistent contention in the years ahead.

Adopt a Prospect #5: The Twins most critical Weakness

Frequent readers of our Adopt a Prospect series know that we like our prospect, Luis Perdomo. They'll also know that we like his beard even more.

Perdomo's beard continues to inspire greatness wherever it goes (recently becoming the Rochester Red Wings go to guy whether they need 1 out or 9). But Perdomo is still off of our 40 man roster and unlikely to be called up anytime soon. Still, this beard merits recognition as one of the most outstanding chin warmers in our minor league system. Because, as all fans know strange things can create great ballplayers...I mean, if gum chewing can fix Francisco Liriano, it's pretty clear that magical facial hair is a real possibility. So adding Perdomo to our squad could immediately bolster the Twins most glaring weakness: quality facial hair.

That's a clown goatee, Bro.

Consider our current roster. In the major leagues we have nine players who occasionally sport some scruff on the field (excluding Joe Mauer's sideburns which are actually a byproduct of a Head and Shoulders promotion), but few of these offer any added value to the player. Justin Morneau's goatee comes and goes and offers little support when it does. Darrin Mastroianni either offers 5 o'clock shadow or this absurd beard that makes him look more like Narnia's Mr. Tumnus than a ball player. Seriously...we can't take you seriously when you look like this Darrin.


Speaking of 5 o'clock shadow, Mastroianni's not alone in his lacksadasical "I-don't-feel-like-shaving" scruff: Alex Burnett, Francisco Liriano, Trevor Plouffe, Drew Butera and Ryan Doumit all favor a look that resembles extras in a Gilette razor commercial than anybody who planned their appearance. Be advised: magical beards are not born of laziness gentlemen.



The only people (other than the aforementioned, chemically enhanced, Mr. Mauer and his sideburns) who plan their facial hair are Denard Span and Alexi Casilla.
Let's be honest about this, Denard's beard is simply a part of his style: inimitable, and undoubtedly classy. Sure, the fashionistas might complain about the fact that he lets the mustachio elements remain thin while the cheeks and chin get bushy. But you have to acknowledge that his particular flair is not the source of his power. Denard didn't always have the beard, and he could be just as well off without. Moreover, he may well be gone from the team in a few weeks, making the need for quality facial hair even more pressing.

Like sands through the hourglass
So are the hairs of Alexi's goatee

That leaves us with the Second Base Special. And we have to admit that Casilla's hourglass soul patch is a unique style to say the least. You rarely even catch Uptown hipsters sporting it (assuming you can see it behind their micro brew pint glasses). The Casilla goat has a special place in Twins lore, powering an otherwise erratic and feeble second baseman to an unusual number of walk off hits. The mighty scruff's role in powering the 8 hopper into right field to win game 163 winner over the Tigers remains the greatest example of bearded greatness in a Twins uniform since Kirby's stubble offered that extra boost in game 6. But now even that isn't enough to keep Casilla in the line-up on a regular basis.


So we need Luis Perdomo's beard, more now than ever before. Denard's classy style may be gone any day now, Casilla's scrap is no longer effective and Mauer's superpowered sideburns are tiring in lifting up the team. Perdomo's beard is powerful, Perdomo's beard is strong. We need Luis Perdomo's beard and the added velocity it inspires.

Adopt a Prospect #4: Movin' On Up

Wonder of Wonder, Miracle of Miracles! Luis Perdomo's beard (and Luis Perdomo) got promoted to Rochester this week! (Ed. Note: Sorry for the unintentional mash-up of the Jefferson's theme and a Fiddler on the Roof ditty...hmm, I wonder if I could sell that to Glee?)


This is the first time Perdomo's beard has played this high up on the East Coast since he made his major league debut against the New York Mets! (4/15/09). And thought he temptation to celebrate is great, clearly Perdomo's beard won't rest until it attains that lofty perch of being the most feared set of facial follicles in the major leagues.

So he will toil along side other players with former big league experience. No longer will he be the sage old timer in the bullpen, impressing the young whelps with stories of his time in the show (where you hit white balls for batting practice and the women all have long legs and brains) now he'll be part of a staff where the vast majority have played in the bigs (many, recently).

Courtesy Lewis Carroll
and courierpress.com

To be sure, there's still a challenge here, though Luis Perdomo's beard is far more glorious than say...Darrin Mastroianni's Mr. Tumnus style goatee and worthy of the big time, the beard is stubbornly attached to a reliever in an organization that stockpiles them like separatist militias stockpile ammo/canned goods. The man who owns Luis Perdomo's beard (one...Luis Perdomo) is not on the 40 man roster, something that is unlikely to change until a mess of trades, releases and/or bubonic plague deaths make it possible. And, most challenging of all...Luis Perdomo was called up to AAA only after 7 Rochester pitchers hit the disabled list. If any one of those pitchers comes back, it might be a very short stay indeed for Perdomo and his beard.

But let's not spoil this with cynicism or "facts", the truth is that Luis Perdomo's beard is one step closer to making it back to the major leagues. After battling, fighting and holding fast to that fervent dream of a return to glory, he's moved closer this week. And no matter how long the odds or how questionable the circumstances are, it's great to see a great bit of facial hair (and a dedicated player) keep living their dream.

Adopt a Prospect #3: Battle of the Beards

It's a frightening time for Luis Perdomo (and his beard). With all the young college relievers getting drafted and signed up with the Twins, long standing vets like Perdomo had better prove their worth quickly or else they'll find themselves looking for work elsewhere.

Meanwhile for the beard feared throughout New Britain there's the troubling development out of Oklahoma City. Yes, there's a new, hip, threatening beard loose in the world of sports: the mighty muzzle of James Harden.

But is Harden's hirsute chin chafer any mach for Perdomo's prickly scrap saver? (Is there any way I can work in some more aliteration?) Let's go to the tale of the tape for the two mighty beards.

                                                               

James Harden's Beard                                                Luis Perdomo's Beard
"The Ogre of OKC"                                                   "The Beast of New Britain"

Experience: 3 Years                                                      Experience: 6 Years
Length: appox. 5 inches                                                Length: appox. 3 inches
Intimidation Rating:  7.5 Norisses                                 Intimidation Rating: 7.3 Norisses
#of Cheeze Its lost inside: 11                                        # of Cheese Its lost inside: 13
Media Exposure: 11.6 Million (TV)                        Media Exposure: 14 zipcodes (Paper)
Recent Victims: Tim Duncan's graying grizzle             Recent Victims: The Erie SeaWolves
Conceals: Blueprints for silky layups                      Conceals: An extra 4 MPH on fastball
Biggest Fans: ESPN Anchors                                       Biggest Fans: Me (Sorry Luis...)
Award: Most Valuable Beard ('11-12)                 Award: Carolina League All-Scruff Team ('08)
Odds Beard gains sentience: 13:2                                 Odds Beard gains sentience: 3:1

Unfortunately it looks like the Ogre beats the beast in the eyes of millions (especially given Luis' recent sloppy outings), but to we few, foolish, Twins followers will keep touting the Power of Perdomo regardless of recent results.

Adopt a Prospect #2: Dreams of Glory

It's been a couple of weeks since we last checked in on Luis Perdomo, and while the recent road trip has been kind to the Twins (winning four in a row for the first time since mid-June 2011) it has been a little tougher on the bullpen with favorites like Jared Burton suddenly giving up runs. So, is there a chance that Luis might get a call to the bigs?

No. No, there is not.

Even if, the bullpen suddenly developed a bad case of leprosy and had their arms fall off in the middle of a long toss session, there are plenty of other options that would get the call before Luis Perdomo who got only 4 calls to the mound in the past two weeks--including one big fat stinker of an outing against Reading. And while plenty of other relievers have gotten calls to Rochester and/or the majors, Luis Perdomo is unlikely to be headed to the big time. But Luis Perdomo's beard...well..maybe...

You see as John Bonnes noted on my previous entry over at Twins Daily, Perdomo's chinstrap is positively Lincoln-esque. So Lincoln-esque in fact that it almost made a career change. You see after the beard (and Perdomo) were sent back down to AAA after a slow start in 2010, they nearly gave up baseball because it seemed ideal for the title role in Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Yes, so potent is Perdomo's beard that it could have been walking the red carpet this summer instead of riding the bus from New Britain to New Hampshire. So powerful and magnetic is the beard that a horde of Hollywood starlets were lining up to be its leading lady.

Sadly, the beard had not yet obtained the sentience necessary to remove itself from Perdomo's chin and make a go of it solo. And, sadly, American movie goers weren't ready for a Dominican Lincoln. So it was off to the Minors for Perdomo and the beard, but perhaps there will be some opportunities to do some Vampire, or even, Yankpire hunting in the beards future.

That's the beautiful thing about the minors, no matter where you've been or where you are, there's always that dream of glory for where you might go. So while it's home for Binghamton and then off to Portland, great days and dreams of glory are still ahead.

Adopt a Prospect #1: Meet Luis Perdomo's Beard (and Luis Perdomo)

Earlier this month, we Peanuts accepted the plea from our benevolent overlords at Twins Daily to adopt a prospect. This means that on a bi-weekly basis we'll update the rest of the blogosphere on the doings of one particular player until he graduates to the big club, or floats away into prospect purgatory.

While our fellow bloggers leapt at the chance to explore the victories and challenges of potential superstars, we picked ours based on this photo (used by our pal Betsy on her blog)

Photo courtesy Minnesota Twins

We Peanuts are an irrational sort, we like who we like just because it seems like the thing to do in the moment. And in the moment, that beard caught our eye and made us convinced that it had a place on the major league roster.

A thing of beauty and a joy to behold. A powerful symbol of truth, justice and scruffiness. This was no mere chin warmer, this was a no-holds-barred, Rutherford-B.-Hayes-taunting, Hemingway-prose-poem-inspiring, BEARD OF DOOM!

Now we just needed to know more about the pitcher attached to it, and so we adopted Luis Perdomo (and especially his beard), and now he is our very own prized prospect.

Luis was born April 27, 1984, in San Cristobal of the Dominican Republic. Though Perdomo is now 28 his beard is slightly younger and has higher upside, having sprouted to hirsiute glory after puberty.

Luis is a right-handed relief pitcher; meanwhile the beard is a beard and while it hasn't grown any hands yet, though we do suspect it might conceal a roundhouse kick (a la Chuck Norris).

After two partial years with Padres, Luis signed a minor league contract with the Twins last fall and came to spring training in hopes of being slightly less terrible than other prospects. He was not. So, he  ended up assigned to AA New Britain. To some this might seem like a career heading the wrong way...to we Peanuts it's simply more time for the beard to develop into a fully-fledged force of fury.

To be fair, the time in AA might also be a means of helping Perdomo overcome the stigma of being the garbage man during his time with the Padres (as RJ Henderson points out in this vintage FanGraphs piece from 2009), gaining more importance and relevance to the Rock Cats season could help Perdomo become a future Alex Burnett, and could build his beards' confidence as it confronts the steely gaze of clean-shaven Yankees.

Though his season started out with a hodgepodge of performances ranging from good (2 shutout innings with 4 Ks in his debut against Richmond) to nasty (giving up 2 runs and taking the loss without recording an out at Portland), Perdomo has pulled together a solid recent resume, running up a 9 and 2/3s scoreless inning streak over his last 6 appearances--including 2 shutout innings on his birthday, and 2 more last night! He's easily in the top half of Eastern League pitchers in terms of Walk-to-Strikeout Ratio and K's/9 innings and while that might well be expected of a 28 year old pitching to 24 year-olds, Perdomo's GORP (Grizzle over Replacement Player) remains remarkable at any level.

Sure, Luis Perdomo might not be in the Twins long-term plans, but let's be frank about this: in assembling a bullpen Terry Ryan has worked the waiver wire, honed in on the Rule 5 Draft, spun trade-upon-trade and scavenged for diamonds in the Free Agent rough. The only thing he hasn't done is  gone all Frankenstein on us and assembled a monstrous creature meant to dominate the opposition. If this mad science experiment is Ryan's master plan (and in the spirit of totally erroneous conjecture, let's say that it is) then Luis Perdomo's beard may well serve as a fire baller's inspiration, a batter's nightmare, and a hipster accessory worthy of a return to the big time.

We'll check in on Luis Perdomo (and his facial hair) again in two weeks, until then: good night and great beard!