Spilling Less Ink: The 2012 Draft in 5 Words or Less

With the Twins more or less out of contention for this season (recent success not with standing), the attention of the Twins blog-o-sphere has been firmly fixed on the minor leagues and potential for future glory. There are bright and talented bloggers who write about this subject: Seth Strohs, Jeremy Nygaard, Cody Christie, Andrew Walter...

Our names are not on that list, largely because we aren't as savvy and also because we insist on quick and silly analyses. So while they might be able to break down all 40 rounds of the draft with staggering wisdom, we will break it down faster than anybody else.

SO! For the second year in the row, here is the official Peanuts from Heaven Draft Analysis on every player picked by the hometown 9...in 5 words or less! (Symbols/Abbreviations don't count) 

Round (Pick #)-Name-COL/HS: Idiotic "analyses"(Thanks to Seth Strohs for the comprehensive list)

Right Handed Pitchers (16)

#1S (32) - Jose Orlando Berrios - HS - Puerto Rico: Talented man, slightly emotional

#1S (42) - Luke Bard - COL - Georgia Tech: Excellent college closer helps bullpen

MLB Calls Chargois' curve "Spikey"
I call it Caan-esque
From Madmind.de

#2 (72) - JT Chargois - COL - Rice U: "Spikey" Curveball helps: in ROLLERBALL!!

#4 (130) - Zach Jones - COL - San Jose State: Already signed...glad someone's excited

#5 (160) - Tyler Duffey - COL - Rice U: Another college closer? Sounds good!

#8 (250) - Christian Powell - COL - College of Charleston: Sounds like Silent Movie Star

#10 (310) - Douglas Baxendale - COL - Arkansas-Fayetteville: Sounds like a Downton Abbey valet

#12 (370) - Alex Muren - RHP -  Cal St. Northridge: Matador's defense may be suspect...

#13 (400) - Erich Knab -  HS - South Carolina: Blatantly Obvious Web Gem Nickname 

#18 (550) - William LaMarche - COL - Chabot College: Graduated from Tom Hanks' school!

#23 (700) - Travis Huber - COL - Nebraska: Following in Brian Duensing's ('05) footsteps 

#28 (850) - Carson Goldsmith - COL - Northwestern State: Drafting two Deamons' Pitchers = Ominous?

#33 (1000) - Kaleb Merck -  COL - Texas Christian U: Really? Another College Closer? Really?

#35 (1060) - Jared Wilson -  COL - UC-Santa Barbara: Warning Muren: Gauchos hate Matadors!

#37 (1120) - James Marvel -  HS - California: Shouting "Shazam!" turns him superhuman

#40 (1210) - Brad Schreiber - RHP - Purdue: Probably returning to school...fool...

Left Handed Pitchers (8)

#2 (63) - Mason Melotakis - LHP - COL - Northwestern State (LA): Greek God of Middle Relief?

This could be a more
intimidating bullpen option
FROM: wikia.com

#6 (190) - Andre Martinez - LHP - HS - Florida: Trite But True: Lefties = Ungiveuponable

#11 (340) - Taylor Rogers - LHP - COL - Kentucky: Kentucky kid going pro? SHOCKING!!

#15 (460) - Jarret Leverett - LHP - COL - Georgia Southern: It's fun to rhyme!

#26 (790) - Justin Jones - LHP - COL - U of California: No Renunciar a los Zurdos!

#27 (820) - Jared Grundy - LHP - COL - U of Kentucky: Unrelated to Zombie Solomon Grundy

#29 (880) - Sean Hagan - LHP - COL - St. John's U: Ikke gi opp "lefties"

#32 (970) - Andrew Ferreira - LHP - COL - Harvard: Sign Kid! That degree's useless!

Infielders (10)

#7 (220) - Jorge Fernandez - C - HS - Puerto Rico: Insurance for Mauer

#9 (280) - LJ Mazzilli - 2B - COL - U Connecticut: Dad acted on Broadway/@ Shea

#16 (490) - Will Hurt - SS - HS - Kentucky: Go Lexington Catholic!! Signed, B. Revere

#17 (520) - Dalton Hicks - 1B - COL - Central Florida: Sounds like another country star

Help is on the way Joe...lots of it...
Photo: AaronGleeman.com

#22 (670) - Josh Graham - C - HS - Oregon: Knee donor for Mauer 

#21 (640) - Bo Altobelli - C - COL - Texas Tech: Wrist donor for Mauer

#25 (760) - Joel Licon - SS - COL - Orange Coast College: Leads his team in sacrifices!

#24 (730) - Jose Favela - C - HS - Texas: Thumb donor for Mauer

#30 (910) - Bryan Santy - C - COL - U of Washington: Sideburn donor for Mauer

#38 (1150) - Austin Rei - C - HS - California: Genetically altered INTO Mauer 2.0

Outfielders (9)

#1 (2) - Byron Buxton - OF - HS - Georgia: The Buck stops in MINNESOTA!!

#3 (97) - Adam Walker - RF - COL - Jacksonville U: Dad's an ex-Viking, Mom: ex-Ninja.

Jacksonville Mascot/Future 4th Outfielder

#14 (430) - Jake Proctor - CF - COL - Cincinnati: Stealing the Reds' local boy 

#19 (580) - Jonathan Murphy - LF - COL - Jacksonville U: Two Dolphin outfielders! Flipper's proud

#20 (610) - Zach Larson - CF - HS - Florida: 18  and livin' the dream

#31 (940) - Tim Robinson - LF - HS - California: Middle of the order Upside

#34 (1030) - Bryan Haar - OF - COL - U of San Diego: Stealing the Padres' local boy

#36 (1090) - Brandon Bayardi - OF - COL - UNLV: Tempting to call him Boyardee...

#39 (1180) - Steven Liquori - OF - HS - Georgia: WARNING: May inspire terrible puns

Finally, in other news, with the school year at a close I will likely have more time to write these little goofy things, so if you for some reason still put up with these shenanigans...stay tuned, we're just getting started.


P.s. (Sorry for the poor formatting first time around, we should be good to go here)--oh and look a new poll, have fun all 2 of you readers out there!