A 5 Word Guide to Every Draft Pick

Sure we're a couple weeks late, and several hundreds of posts short...but we couldn't resist the temptation to continue our annual tradition of giving a run down of every single Twins draft pick for the busy fan. So keep your detailed scouting reports, don't bother worrying over their ETAs in the big leagues, just appreciate the simplicity of five words for every player. (As always, numbers and punctuation don't count)

Right Handed Pitchers

Get the pitchers, Terry. All the pitchers!

Nicholas Burdi (Round 2)--College reliever of the year

Michael Cederoth (Round 3)--Twins like right-handed relievers

Jake Reed (Round 5)--Really, they're great.

John Curtiss (Round 6)--You can always use them

Andro Cutura (Round 7)--Good thing our pen is big.

Keaton Steele (Round 8)--Holy cow...another one? Really?

Randy LeBlanc (Round 10)--Alright, we get it...Righties = Good

Zach Tillery (Round 13)--Stop. Just stop.

Trevor Hildenberger (Round 22)--Hilden Burgers served with Gorgonzola 

Miles Nordgren (Round 23)--Long way to north green.

Orynn Veillon (Round 32)--Fun names > Right-handed relievers

Mike Bauman (Round 34)--Hey, a Mahtomedi product!

Left Handed Pitchers

Samuel Clay (Round 4)--Never give up on Lefties.

One of the best stories from the draft

Mat Batts (Round 17)--Pitchers deserve less ominous names

Onas Farfan (Round 21)--First RBI alum Twins drafted

Taylor Heam (Round 25)--Lefties + Give Up? NO!

Cameron Avila-Leeper (Round 29)--Fortunately, not Avila-Leper.

Theo Theofanopoulos (Round 30)--Ποτέ μην εγκαταλείπεις στις Αριστεροί

Sam Hillard (Round 31)--Strong sinker...cross-fingers

Infielders/Catchers

Nick Gordon (SS, Round 1)--Flash's kid could be great

Patrick Kelly (2B, Round 12)--Red Wing native, Cornhusker alum

Tyler Mautner (3B, Round 14)--Not Lautner, sorry Twilight fans.

NOT coming to a ballpark near you

Tyler Kuresa (1B, Round 16)--Communications major! Baseball better work...

TJ White (3B, Round 18)--From Las Vegas to....Elizabethton?

Jarrard Poteete (C, Round 19)--You say PO-TEEEEE-TAY, I say...?

McCarthy Tatum (3B, Round 20)--Not Channing, sorry ladies.

Erwin Real (C, Round 24)--Could be MLB's 1st Erwin since 1913.

Blake Schmit (SS, Round 26)--Part of Maryland Shortstop pipeline

Gabriel Ojeda (C, Round 27)--Estudiante a Colegio Hector Udaneta!!

Trey Vavra (1B, Round 33)--Coach Joe's Kid, so sweet...

Brad Mathiowetz (C, Round 35)--Hope Meintkeiwitcz coaches pronunciation

Kirvin Moesquit (SS, Round 36)--Played with Mathiowetz = SCRABBLE WIN

Brett Doe (C, Round 38)--Likely to toil in anonymity

John Jones (C, Round 39)--Finally, a bland name

Dalton Guthrie (SS, Round 40)--Mark Guthrie's boy, again, sweet.

Please, please let him stay healthy

Outfielders

Max Murphy (CF, Round 9)--Local boy comes home, hopefully...

Tanner English (CF, Round 11)--Speedy center-fielder...god I hope so.

Roberto Gonzalez (RF, Round 15)--Lots of potential

Austin Diemer (CF, Round 28)--Proudly tweeting about us...awww....

Tyree Davis (CF, Round 37)--Straight outta Compton...had to be said.

Adopt a Prospect II.3: Dange-atunity!!

It's time for Lesson Number 3 in our off-brand self-help seminar: Derestraining a Force Inside You. A series of motivational messages directed specifically at Twins AAA reliever Luis Perdomo.

Remember this word Luis!

危机

What's that? You don't speak Mandarin? Oh...well if you did you'd be really impressed. You see, that's the traditional symbol for "crisis" in Mandarin pronounced "Weiji". It combines two other words "danger" and "opportunity" and that's what we want you to think about now Luis: Danger/Opportunity

You see...you're at a dangerous point in your career. You're 29 years old on a minor league pitching staff where the average age is 27. You've been having the kind of season that got you released from your last organization. The franchise you play for just drafted 17 guys (including some 10 years your junior) all intent on taking your job. It may well be a crisis, but it can also be an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to show that you can respond to the pressure. It's an opportunity to show that you are still the man who was impressive enough to move up from AA to the majors last season. It's an opportunity to rebound from adversity and put together your greatest performance yet. But it's unlikely to happen, so it's also a crisis.

That's the lesson today Luis. Treat every dangerous situation as an opportunity and every opportunity as dangerous. It's the only way to respond to pressure and assert your dominance. 

Numbers Don't Count: Draft Analysis...in five words or less

It's that time once again, every year we "analyze" the Twins drafting decisions by summarizing the strengths and weaknesses of players. Rather than do that with any depth, direction or purpose (which is soooooo not our style), we rapidly blurt out 5 words and pass them off as "analysis" or "humorous"..hopefully you agree (and appreciate my endless attempts to reinvigorate the cliched "never give up on lefties)

Thanks to the many fine folks at Twins Daily who compiled this list Apologies for the overuse of bold type...I can't figure out how to fix the formatting

Right Handed Pitchers

1-4 Kohl Stewart--Please bubble-wrap your arm

Last year we drafted two
Jacksonville U Dolphins
This year, two Seton Hall Pirates
Keep the Dolphins in Line!

2-43 Ryan Eades--#2 Starter our #2 option
5-140 Aaron Slegers--Hoosier's already won @ Target Field!
7-200 Brian Gilbert--1 of 2 Seton Hall-ers WHEE PIRATES!!!
10-290 Charles Irby--Former DH versatile in bullpen
12-350 Ethan Mildren--Part of righty stockpile
13-380 Brandon Peterson--Big strong closer > puny starters
17-500 Tanner Mandonca--@TanTheMan13...12 other guys had that?
19-560 Jared Wilson--another part of righty stockpile
21-620 Tyler Stirewalt--Also the Fresno State QB...?
23-680 Zack Hayden--Terry Ryan: Stockpiler or Hoarder?
26-770 Ryan Halstead--Draft 2 Hoosiers, Get 1 FREE!!
27-800 Taylor Blatch--Wiry...lean...MY NEW BUDDY!

29-860 Logan Shore--Signability questions...still gets offer
31-920 AJ Bogucki--Easily Best Name of Draftees
36-1070 Joseph Greenfield--Dropped 14 rounds from 2012
38-1130 Javier Salas--17 Righties? That's a hoard

The offer to Logan Shore...one he can't refuse

Sorry Li'l Joe
Derrick's With us Now

Left Handed Pitchers

15-440 Derrick Penilla--TC Bear > Li'l Joe Mountie!
16-470 Brandon Bixler--Becomes Alliterative Roomies w/Byron Buxton
24-710 Brandon Easton--Lakeland Laker...leaves for LA
28-830 Chris Erwin--Hey, Leftie Give-uppers! YOU LOSE!
35-1040 Nick Lemoncelli--My Grandma Loves Lemoncelli's Limoncello
39-1160 Seth Wagner--Attended Dunder Mifflin HS (PA)

Infielders

3-78 Stuart Turner, C--Someone's gotta catch those pitchers
6-170 Brian Navarreto, C--A couple someones actually...
8-230 Dustin DeMuth, 3B--Umpire Dana DeMuth's gotta favorite!

9-260 Mitchel Garver, C--ALREADY SIGNED, Get him sideburns!
11-320 Nelson Molina, MI--No relation to Alfred...sadly...
18-530 Ryan Walker, SS--Big Texan...where's the scrappy infielder?
22-650 Alex Swim, C--Might prefer pool to diamond
30-890 Tanner Vavra, 2B--Hoping he can hit
32-950 Carlos Avila, SS--5'11"...close enough..."HE'S SCRAPPY!"

Now he would be a good infielder

Outfielders

Granite's old boss...
Looks like Terry Ryan

14-410 Zack Granite--Played Outfield for Slate Quarry
20-590 Jason Kanzler--@Jason Kanzler likes "moderate amounts of fun"
25-740 Chad Christianson--Congrats! You can leave Nebraska!
33-980 Steven Sensley--"OMG! OUTFIELDERS!!"--Twins Draft room
34-1010 Ivory Thomas--My wigs are purest outfielder...
37-1100 Julien Service--A Quebec Finance Service?
40-1190 Kelly Starness--Check-out line impulse buy

Only time will tell who, if any of these players makes it to the majors, but in the mean time, you can vote for you favorite dumb joke in the poll on the right, and in so doing express your hope that one of these young men beat the long odds and makes it to the majors

There's no Punting in Baseball

As you may know, people really like sports.

Lots of people.

Millions of people.

And they like it so much that they will furiously dissect the evaluation and selection of new players during the epic "drafts" that have come to dominate a fans' off-season calendar. (I sometimes wonder if aspiring draft pundits are standing on their elementary school playgrounds right now arguing over who Timmy should have taken third for kickball, Johnny who was caught eating paste but can run a 6.3 dash to first base, or Annabelle who hasn't had a great season 'till now but does have tremendous upside.)

While drafts are great opportunities for armchair GMs to opine and prognosticate about the future, they also signal the beginning of the end for veteran athletes who will soon be replaced by younger, less expensive talent. Such was the case for Minnesota Vikings' punter Chris Kluwe on Saturday. When the  Vikings drafted a young punter int he fifth round, pundits and fans raced to analyze the pick and debate the likelihood that Kluwe would never wear gold and purple again [outside of World of Warcraft that is].

But a change in punters' isn't normally a newsworthy event, unless that punter is a prominent personality who appears on NPR and Comedy Central [as Kluwe is]. It is even more noticeable when said punter is an outspoken proponent of marriage equality [as Kluwe also is]. Suddenly, changing punters seems to be less of a management decision and more of a referendum on a employing someone who capitalizes on his (relative) celebrity.

I don't know the Vikings reasoning for removing Kluwe, and I doubt I'll ever know. I am sure that in football, as in almost every other sport, when talent is similar the younger, cheaper option is preferable to the older, pricier option (that's just sane management). I am also sure that the Vikings are in the business of keeping fans happy, so I can see how a controversial kicker who espouses uncomfortable opinions does not necessarily help the business. Kluwe's attitude and advocacy seemed to alienate his supervisor (the special teams' coach) and also seemed to irritate a swathe a fans [if the plethora of "he-should've-kept-his-mouth-shut-and-played-the-damn-game" comments on talk radio and the internet are any guide]. Given that the NFL eschews societal controversies and that Kluwe's fellow gay-rights agitator in shoulder pads (Ravens' Brendon Ayanbadejo) was recently cut, the Vikings' real reasons for drafting a punter may well be drowned out by a public perception that a player's personal opinions partially contributed to the loss of his job.

If they have allowed his opinions to influence their decision making, then by preparing to cut ties with Kluwe, the Vikings and the NFL are punting a controversial topic downfield. But [and behold my segue back to baseball] would we be having the same conversation if we were talking about Chris Kluwe, middle reliever, instead of Chris Kluwe, punter? If Kluwe was not involved in the highest profile sport in the country, if he was just another "colorful" veteran about to be displaced by a hot prospect, would there be a public perception that his opinions were partially responsible for the end of his career (at least in the Twin Cities)?

I have to think that the answer is yes. Regardless of what sport you play, there's an attitude prevalent among the fan base for sports that playing the game should trump personal opinions. And no matter what opinion the player has and no matter whether you agree or disagree with that opinion, I personally believe that we should be rooting for players and athletes to share their opinions more rather than less.

I know several arguments against having opinionated, activist players prominently featured on your local team. Starting with the thought that they ought to just "play the game" and leave their opinions in their homes, but I can't help but feel that would do our favorite athletes a disservice if we discouraged them from speaking up when they think it matters.

I know some worry that controversial opinions are bad for business [especially since the costumer base for most major sports tends to be conservative], but with polarizing issues you can often gain as many fans on one side of the ideological divide as you lose from the other. (And when discussing gay marriage, the opinion gap between young and old suggests you may well find more long term fans.)

I know some believe that athletes are here to entertain not to agitate, but just because someone is an entertainer doesn't preclude them from having the same right to free will and free expression as a data cruncher, corporate executive, factory worker or educator. More to the point, you might not like Clint Eastwood or George Clooney's politics, but they still are free to express themselves whenever they see fit

I know some cite concerns around locker room morale as a reason to avoid the controversial, but other businesses throughout the country find ways to survive despite disparate opinions in the break room or board room. And if the armed forces can continue protecting and defending our nation with both heterosexual and homosexual servicemen and women (not to mention tolerant and intolerant opinions about sexual orientation) in the same barracks, I have to imagine that professional athletes can play a game.

I know some feel like the purpose of sports is simply to amuse, thereby providing a distraction from the controversies and difficulties of the world around us. Certainly amusement can be nice from time to time. Yet, if taxpaying citizens are going to be held responsible for financing the stadia, arena and ballparks [as we do with other amusement based public institutions like say the Guthrie theatre], it would be nice if (in addition to providing amusement and community pride) teams engaged with the issues that local citizens/financiers are facing too (like the Guthrie does with their plays).

On balance, it would be foolish to ignore the difficulties that come along with having an opinionated player in the locker room. But the difficulties are not insurmountable. Heck, they're barely even daunting. So if baseball (or any other major sport) allows fears over the fallout from opinionated players to dictate their team management, they will be be taking the easy way out of a simple situation.

This is the time to act, and few sports can do it as easily as baseball. Given the sport's historical prominence in challenging social conventions, it seems natural for baseball to take the lead in dealing with the issues of the day (and with a 162 game schedule, its only a matter of time until big issues become part of the every day routine of your life). Baseball's the sport that asked us to consider anti-semitism (with Hank Greenberg), to consider racism (with Jackie Robinson and Larry Doby), to consider the restrictions of labor laws (with Curt Flood).

Of course, simply speaking out in favor of gay rights is not the same as being Jackie Robinson, still, now is the time for sports teams to deal with gay rights. (Witness the fact that in the time between my first draft this morning and my published draft this evening, free agent basketball player Jason Collins became the first openly gay athlete in a major sport.) Opinions about homosexuality are already out there, from the in-game trash talk of Yunel Escobar to the public comments of former Twin Torii Hunter. Baseball teams don't need to go out of our way to hire opinionated players, or to protect them from losing their jobs if they aren't as effective as others, but I hope we never need to dissect the motives for releasing a player whose opinions set them apart from the norm.

If a Twins player speaks up about their opinions, whatever side of the issue they land on, I hope that they are heard, respected and engaged as part of a broader debate. With respect to Edward R. Murrow sports is now what TV once was, it can entertain, but it can also "teach, illuminate...and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends." That responsibility begins with the players and extends out to the managers, executives and owners who work with them, then to the fans who cheer them on.

For everyone involved, and all of us watching/cheering at home, I hope that baseball doesn't punt this opportunity away.

Spilling Less Ink: The 2012 Draft in 5 Words or Less

With the Twins more or less out of contention for this season (recent success not with standing), the attention of the Twins blog-o-sphere has been firmly fixed on the minor leagues and potential for future glory. There are bright and talented bloggers who write about this subject: Seth Strohs, Jeremy Nygaard, Cody Christie, Andrew Walter...

Our names are not on that list, largely because we aren't as savvy and also because we insist on quick and silly analyses. So while they might be able to break down all 40 rounds of the draft with staggering wisdom, we will break it down faster than anybody else.

SO! For the second year in the row, here is the official Peanuts from Heaven Draft Analysis on every player picked by the hometown 9...in 5 words or less! (Symbols/Abbreviations don't count) 

Round (Pick #)-Name-COL/HS: Idiotic "analyses"(Thanks to Seth Strohs for the comprehensive list)

Right Handed Pitchers (16)

#1S (32) - Jose Orlando Berrios - HS - Puerto Rico: Talented man, slightly emotional

#1S (42) - Luke Bard - COL - Georgia Tech: Excellent college closer helps bullpen

MLB Calls Chargois' curve "Spikey"
I call it Caan-esque
From Madmind.de

#2 (72) - JT Chargois - COL - Rice U: "Spikey" Curveball helps: in ROLLERBALL!!

#4 (130) - Zach Jones - COL - San Jose State: Already signed...glad someone's excited

#5 (160) - Tyler Duffey - COL - Rice U: Another college closer? Sounds good!

#8 (250) - Christian Powell - COL - College of Charleston: Sounds like Silent Movie Star

#10 (310) - Douglas Baxendale - COL - Arkansas-Fayetteville: Sounds like a Downton Abbey valet

#12 (370) - Alex Muren - RHP -  Cal St. Northridge: Matador's defense may be suspect...

#13 (400) - Erich Knab -  HS - South Carolina: Blatantly Obvious Web Gem Nickname 

#18 (550) - William LaMarche - COL - Chabot College: Graduated from Tom Hanks' school!

#23 (700) - Travis Huber - COL - Nebraska: Following in Brian Duensing's ('05) footsteps 

#28 (850) - Carson Goldsmith - COL - Northwestern State: Drafting two Deamons' Pitchers = Ominous?

#33 (1000) - Kaleb Merck -  COL - Texas Christian U: Really? Another College Closer? Really?

#35 (1060) - Jared Wilson -  COL - UC-Santa Barbara: Warning Muren: Gauchos hate Matadors!

#37 (1120) - James Marvel -  HS - California: Shouting "Shazam!" turns him superhuman

#40 (1210) - Brad Schreiber - RHP - Purdue: Probably returning to school...fool...

Left Handed Pitchers (8)

#2 (63) - Mason Melotakis - LHP - COL - Northwestern State (LA): Greek God of Middle Relief?

This could be a more
intimidating bullpen option
FROM: wikia.com

#6 (190) - Andre Martinez - LHP - HS - Florida: Trite But True: Lefties = Ungiveuponable

#11 (340) - Taylor Rogers - LHP - COL - Kentucky: Kentucky kid going pro? SHOCKING!!

#15 (460) - Jarret Leverett - LHP - COL - Georgia Southern: It's fun to rhyme!

#26 (790) - Justin Jones - LHP - COL - U of California: No Renunciar a los Zurdos!

#27 (820) - Jared Grundy - LHP - COL - U of Kentucky: Unrelated to Zombie Solomon Grundy

#29 (880) - Sean Hagan - LHP - COL - St. John's U: Ikke gi opp "lefties"

#32 (970) - Andrew Ferreira - LHP - COL - Harvard: Sign Kid! That degree's useless!

Infielders (10)

#7 (220) - Jorge Fernandez - C - HS - Puerto Rico: Insurance for Mauer

#9 (280) - LJ Mazzilli - 2B - COL - U Connecticut: Dad acted on Broadway/@ Shea

#16 (490) - Will Hurt - SS - HS - Kentucky: Go Lexington Catholic!! Signed, B. Revere

#17 (520) - Dalton Hicks - 1B - COL - Central Florida: Sounds like another country star

Help is on the way Joe...lots of it...
Photo: AaronGleeman.com

#22 (670) - Josh Graham - C - HS - Oregon: Knee donor for Mauer 

#21 (640) - Bo Altobelli - C - COL - Texas Tech: Wrist donor for Mauer

#25 (760) - Joel Licon - SS - COL - Orange Coast College: Leads his team in sacrifices!

#24 (730) - Jose Favela - C - HS - Texas: Thumb donor for Mauer

#30 (910) - Bryan Santy - C - COL - U of Washington: Sideburn donor for Mauer

#38 (1150) - Austin Rei - C - HS - California: Genetically altered INTO Mauer 2.0

Outfielders (9)

#1 (2) - Byron Buxton - OF - HS - Georgia: The Buck stops in MINNESOTA!!

#3 (97) - Adam Walker - RF - COL - Jacksonville U: Dad's an ex-Viking, Mom: ex-Ninja.

Jacksonville Mascot/Future 4th Outfielder

#14 (430) - Jake Proctor - CF - COL - Cincinnati: Stealing the Reds' local boy 

#19 (580) - Jonathan Murphy - LF - COL - Jacksonville U: Two Dolphin outfielders! Flipper's proud

#20 (610) - Zach Larson - CF - HS - Florida: 18  and livin' the dream

#31 (940) - Tim Robinson - LF - HS - California: Middle of the order Upside

#34 (1030) - Bryan Haar - OF - COL - U of San Diego: Stealing the Padres' local boy

#36 (1090) - Brandon Bayardi - OF - COL - UNLV: Tempting to call him Boyardee...

#39 (1180) - Steven Liquori - OF - HS - Georgia: WARNING: May inspire terrible puns

Finally, in other news, with the school year at a close I will likely have more time to write these little goofy things, so if you for some reason still put up with these shenanigans...stay tuned, we're just getting started.


P.s. (Sorry for the poor formatting first time around, we should be good to go here)--oh and look a new poll, have fun all 2 of you readers out there!

Catching up with 2010 Draftees

Last year we posted our most popular blog post ever...more popular than the blog about Delmon being gone, more popular than the blog about our love, more popular even than that time we published a new JD Salinger short story under our own names.

It was a draft-analysis in 5 words or less--sometimes it was logical, far more often it was totally inane (what else can you do for "Nick Burdi"--other than say it reminds you of "watch the birdie!").

Now, moments after the Twins made Byron Buxton a wealthy (and scrutinized) young man, we wanted to take a step back and review the highs and lows of last year's draft (based on our previous analyses)

Unsigned (19)

Couldabeen Twin:
James Ramsey

For one reason or another 19 of the Twins 52 picks did not sign. None of these players came from the first 14 rounds, given that most players had about a 7% chance of making the majors at all...that's acceptable. Notable among those who didn't sign: Right fielder James Ramsey (recently named ACC Player of the Year at FSU), Vanderbilt power reliever William Clinard, Bear-Claw joke waiting to be made Kyle Barraclough.

Signed no Stats (7)

One of the nice things about being drafted by a Major League Baseball team (besides that whole: "childhood-dream-come-true"-thing and the "big-fat-signing-bonus"-thing) is that you get a good amount of time to decide whether or not you really want to play. You can finish your high school career, get drafted, toss the mortarboard in the air, toy with the affections of GMs and College Athletic Directors, and feel your own private slice of LeBron James' "The Decision". Then you can sign, start training and get to work the next year. So while late 1st rounders Hudson Boyd and Travis Harrison have lofty expectations to live up to (Seth Strohs called them both top 10 Twins prospects), others like Joshua Burris (whose alma-matar LSU-Eunice, sounds like its mascot should be the Fighting Septugenarians), Trent Higginbotham (whose last name is a Dickensian dream) will be proving their merit.

In the Game

The Gulf Coast League Twins will likely have a few of those new signees on the backlots of Fort Meyers this summer--not to mention a good chunk of tonight's draftees--but they've already seen a host of talented men who have already signed including local Floridian products Josue Montanez and Derek (Pudge Jr.) Rodriguez. [Other draftees Phillip Chapman, Julio Torres, Stephen Wickens, Robert O'Neill]

The Elizabethton Twins play in the Appalachian Rookie League (Boo!...Sorry I used to work for the Pioneer Rookie League, there's a mild rivalry). But when baseball comes back to Tennessee, Elizabethton will try to build off the performances of Garrett Jewell who sounds like he could be an avatar for the Rock Band Videogame. [Other draftees recently at Elizabethton: Cole Johnson, Corey Kimes, Tyler Koelling, Steven Evans]

Already there's action afoot in Beloit Wisconsin, home of the Beloit Snappers and most of last years' most promising draftees. Including highly touted blog-o-sphere favorites like Corey Williams, Matt Summers and Tim Shibuya (Shi-bu-ya; Shi-bu-ya; Shi-bu-ya...the girl is hard to get; Shi-bu-ya, Shi-bu-ya, Shi-bu-ya...but you can win her yet!) [Other draftees at Beloit: David Hurlbut, Matthew Tomshaw, Adam Pettersen, Andrew "Don't Call me Cloris" Leachman, Adam Bryant, Tyler Grimes]

Levi Michael, looking stylish

Finally there are the highest fliers hard at work down in Fort Myers for the Miracle (our High A team). Top pick Levi Michael is there (skipping Rookie ball altogether...but not skipping more than that what with the shaky legs and all), along with Eden Prairie's own Madison Boer. So far they've both had more downs than ups, but their careers are young and perhaps this level of analysis is a little silly.

Still, that's the catch with Major League Draft Analysis: I have ideas, you have ideas, they have ideas and we'll find out who was right and who was wrong in about 4-5 years.

Hear that Byron? 4-5 years to justify our love or wallow in ignominy. We'll break down Mr. Buxton along with all the other Twins draftees when the draft wraps up on Wednesday (finals grading permitting). Enjoy the draft!

Draft "Analysis" in 5 Words or Less

As I said earlier in the week, I enjoy sports drafts but the problem with the baseball draft is that MLB draftees are not like draftees in other major sports. Sure, they're all world class athletes but Baseball draft picks have the ability to turn down the club that picks them and hope for a higher pick, a different team or more money in future years [or they could pick up that bio-engineering degree they've always wanted].

So while we've drafted 50 players we likely won't sign them all. Of those we do sign, it's a safe bet that about 90% of them will see their careers peak in Elizabethton, Beloit, or Ft. Meyers. Careers end with one freak injury or because a younger player swoops past you in the organization, and lest we forget, there's every possibility that we'll trade one or five or seven of them for a proven #2 starter or some of those awesome magic beans everybody's talking about.

But, those are sad realities for another time. Now is a time to celebrate the accomplishment of getting drafted by a major league team and having a career opportunity lots of Americans can only dream of. To honor these young athletes we will analyze their game...but because we aren't very serious about silly things like "stats" or "facts", we'll do it all in 5 words or less of dumb jokes. [For serious coverage you can check out the NoDak Twins Fan; Seth Strohs and many other fine bloggers...for more silliness keep reading]

Seriously though: we want extend a hearty congrats to all those drafted, their friends and families: we hope that you succeed in your careers and enjoy these opportunities, you've worked hard and should be proud--we wish you the best and apologize for the foolishness that follows...but if you play baseball you're bound to hear foolish things from fans sooner rather than later.

Right-Handed Pitchers (19)

Matt Summers, CA--Summers, Wimmers, no fall/spring?

Hudson Boyd, FL--Young arm, great promise...maybe?

Madison Boer, OR [Pictured]--Wisconsin capitol or Afrikaaner dutchman?

Tyler Jones, LA--Bean pole from the bayou

Joshua Burris, LA--From: LSU-Eunice, Fighting Grandmas!!

Timothy Shibuya, CA--Hopefully pronounced: Shi-BOO-YEAH!

Nick Burdi, IL--Annoying catchphrase: "Watch the Burdi"

Trent Higginbotham, AL--Fit that on a jersey

Chris Mazza, CA--Went to Business School = $

William Clinard, TN--Every Vandy's a dandy

Garrett Jewell, NH--Sounds like a Hair Rocker

Alexander Keudell, OR--Second Ducks pitcher we drafted

Edwin McCord, AL--Not enough Edwins these days...

Kyle Barraclough, CA--Huzzah for the Scotsman!

Trevor Oakes, MN--6'5" Local Boy? Hells yes!

Robert O'Neill, CA--What's a Biola?

Cole Johnson, IN--Ex-Fighting Irish, Now Fighting Scandawhovian?

Garret Peterson, PA--Another Garret, really?

Bryan Burgher, WA--Mmmm...Burgher...[drool]

Left-Handed Pitchers (16)

Corey Williams, TN--Vanderbilt pitcher automatically promising

Steven Gruver, TN--Unfortunate last name

Jason Wheeler, CA--6'8" of intimidation

Brett Lee, FL--Never give up on lefties

Steven Evans, VA--Liberty University Grad

Adam McCreery, CA--Went to Pretty High School

Josue Montanez, FL--Should call curve "little friend"

Austin Malinowski, MN [Pictured]--Local Kid living the dream

Corey Kimes, IL--Plays in "Champaign" NOT Champagne

Michael Howard, AZ--Don't give up on lefties!

David Hurlbut, CA--Hehe, Hurl Butt :)

Derek Thompson, IL--From Teutopolis...City of TEUTS!

Dylan Chavez, CA--There's only one "American River"?

Matthew Tomshaw, FL--Congrats, you're free from Jackson-villians

Jared Dettmann, WI--Seriously, Lefties...Give up? NO!

John Hochstatter, CA--Name like a whooping cough

Infielders (11)

Levi Michael, SS, NC--Hey First-rounder, can I borrow $5?

Travis Harrison, 3B, CA--Potential power hitter (fingers crossed)

Tyler Grimes, SS, KS [Pictured]--No relation to Simpson's character

Nicholas Bryant, SS, AL--Only 170 lbs...probably scrappy

Matthew Koch, C, CA--J. Wheeler's teammate & hopefully, friend

Brian Anderson, SS, OK--Wasn't he a Chicago Outfielder?

Adam Pettersen, SS, MN--5'9, 170? Definitely scrappy.

Stephen Wickens, SS, FL--From Whitby, Ontario...Bravo Canada!

Phillip Chapman, C, TN--Memphis boy better bring ribs.

Julio Torres, 2B, PR--High School has "Baseball" in its name

Drake Roberts, 2B, TX--155 lbs & Texan...TOTALLY Scrappy

Outfielders (6)

Ivan (Derek) Rodriguez, CF, FL--Pudge's son, Dad's welcome anytime.

Tyler Koelling, CF, MS--Played at Brett Favre's school

James Ramsey, RF, FL [Pictured]--Played at Joe Mauer's [would-be] school

Ryan Tella, CF, CA--From Unpronounceable "Ohlone" College

Austin Barrois, OF, LA--Le Roi du Barrois!

Andrew Leachman, LF, AL--Sadly, unrelated to Cloris Leachman

Once again best of luck to all those drafted, and please, forgive the bad jokes, (especially David Hurlbut).