Draft "Analysis" in 5 Words or Less

As I said earlier in the week, I enjoy sports drafts but the problem with the baseball draft is that MLB draftees are not like draftees in other major sports. Sure, they're all world class athletes but Baseball draft picks have the ability to turn down the club that picks them and hope for a higher pick, a different team or more money in future years [or they could pick up that bio-engineering degree they've always wanted].

So while we've drafted 50 players we likely won't sign them all. Of those we do sign, it's a safe bet that about 90% of them will see their careers peak in Elizabethton, Beloit, or Ft. Meyers. Careers end with one freak injury or because a younger player swoops past you in the organization, and lest we forget, there's every possibility that we'll trade one or five or seven of them for a proven #2 starter or some of those awesome magic beans everybody's talking about.

But, those are sad realities for another time. Now is a time to celebrate the accomplishment of getting drafted by a major league team and having a career opportunity lots of Americans can only dream of. To honor these young athletes we will analyze their game...but because we aren't very serious about silly things like "stats" or "facts", we'll do it all in 5 words or less of dumb jokes. [For serious coverage you can check out the NoDak Twins Fan; Seth Strohs and many other fine bloggers...for more silliness keep reading]

Seriously though: we want extend a hearty congrats to all those drafted, their friends and families: we hope that you succeed in your careers and enjoy these opportunities, you've worked hard and should be proud--we wish you the best and apologize for the foolishness that follows...but if you play baseball you're bound to hear foolish things from fans sooner rather than later.

Right-Handed Pitchers (19)

Matt Summers, CA--Summers, Wimmers, no fall/spring?
Hudson Boyd, FL--Young arm, great promise...maybe?
Madison Boer, OR [Pictured]--Wisconsin capitol or Afrikaaner dutchman?
Tyler Jones, LA--Bean pole from the bayou
Joshua Burris, LA--From: LSU-Eunice, Fighting Grandmas!!
Timothy Shibuya, CA--Hopefully pronounced: Shi-BOO-YEAH!
Nick Burdi, IL--Annoying catchphrase: "Watch the Burdi"
Trent Higginbotham, AL--Fit that on a jersey
Chris Mazza, CA--Went to Business School = $
William Clinard, TN--Every Vandy's a dandy
Garrett Jewell, NH--Sounds like a Hair Rocker
Alexander Keudell, OR--Second Ducks pitcher we drafted
Edwin McCord, AL--Not enough Edwins these days...
Kyle Barraclough, CA--Huzzah for the Scotsman!
Trevor Oakes, MN--6'5" Local Boy? Hells yes!
Robert O'Neill, CA--What's a Biola?
Cole Johnson, IN--Ex-Fighting Irish, Now Fighting Scandawhovian?
Garret Peterson, PA--Another Garret, really?
Bryan Burgher, WA--Mmmm...Burgher...[drool]

Left-Handed Pitchers (16)
Corey Williams, TN--Vanderbilt pitcher automatically promising
Steven Gruver, TN--Unfortunate last name

Jason Wheeler, CA--6'8" of intimidation
Brett Lee, FL--Never give up on lefties
Steven Evans, VA--Liberty University Grad
Adam McCreery, CA--Went to Pretty High School
Josue Montanez, FL--Should call curve "little friend"
Austin Malinowski, MN [Pictured]--Local Kid living the dream
Corey Kimes, IL--Plays in "Champaign" NOT Champagne
Michael Howard, AZ--Don't give up on lefties!
David Hurlbut, CA--Hehe, Hurl Butt :)
Derek Thompson, IL--From Teutopolis...City of TEUTS!
Dylan Chavez, CA--There's only one "American River"?
Matthew Tomshaw, FL--Congrats, you're free from Jackson-villians
Jared Dettmann, WI--Seriously, Lefties...Give up? NO!
John Hochstatter, CA--Name like a whooping cough

Infielders (11)

Levi Michael, SS, NC--Hey First-rounder, can I borrow $5?
Travis Harrison, 3B, CA--Potential power hitter (fingers crossed)
Tyler Grimes, SS, KS [Pictured]--No relation to Simpson's character
Nicholas Bryant, SS, AL--Only 170 lbs...probably scrappy
Matthew Koch, C, CA--J. Wheeler's teammate & hopefully, friend
Brian Anderson, SS, OK--Wasn't he a Chicago Outfielder?
Adam Pettersen, SS, MN--5'9, 170? Definitely scrappy.
Stephen Wickens, SS, FL--From Whitby, Ontario...Bravo Canada!
Phillip Chapman, C, TN--Memphis boy better bring ribs.

Julio Torres, 2B, PR--High School has "Baseball" in its name
Drake Roberts, 2B, TX--155 lbs & Texan...TOTALLY Scrappy

Outfielders (6)
Ivan (Derek) Rodriguez, CF, FL--Pudge's son, Dad's welcome anytime.
Tyler Koelling, CF, MS--Played at Brett Favre's school
James Ramsey, RF, FL [Pictured]--Played at Joe Mauer's [would-be] school
Ryan Tella, CF, CA--From Unpronounceable "Ohlone" College
Austin Barrois, OF, LA--Le Roi du Barrois!
Andrew Leachman, LF, AL--Sadly, unrelated to Cloris Leachman

Once again best of luck to all those drafted, and please, forgive the bad jokes, (especially David Hurlbut).

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