The Cure for the Twins Offense

Though the Twins' offense has struggled to generate many runs in the month of June, their tremendous success in May and the method of their outburst against the White Sox yesterday reminds us all of what has worked for the team all year: Hit Clusters.

Now, the Twins, along with local business partners in the breakfast cereal industry are out to share the secret of their winning ways with the populace at large in this new advertisement for a special Twins Centric Cereal!

[Our first shot is of Twins clubhouse where a dejected looking Kennys Vargas and Byron Buxton sit at the team breakfast table]

Kennys: It isn't easy to be a big leaguer...

Byron: Yeah, and you'd think they'd be able to afford something better than simple toast for us too...

[Brian Dozier enters, with a big smile and, if possible, animated unicorns and ninjas]

Brian: Are you guys tired of your boring breakfasts and wishing you could score more runs?!?

Kennys: That is literally what we were just saying.

Brian: Try HIT CLUSTER CEREAL! A joint venture of the Minnesota Twins, General Mills, and Malt o Meal! The official Cluster-Based Cereal of the Minnesota Twins!!

Byron: Do we have an Official Non-Cluster-Based Cereal?

Brian: Don't change the subject Rookie!! HIT CLUSTER CEREAL contains all the valuable nutrients you need to connect hits together for a big inning!!

[A series of other smiling Twins players appear with the cereal]

Torii Hunter: It's got Single Almonds!

Trevor Plouffe: It's got Double Granola Granules!!

Eddie Rosario: It's got Triple Fiber Flakes!!!

Brian Dozier: Not to mention Home Run Flavor!!!!

Joe Mauer: Sometimes, when I really want to cut loose, I even have some with vitamin rich Milk.

Torii: For the last time Joe, don't flaunt your decadent party life style in front of the kids!

Joe: Sorry...

Brian: C'mon Guys! Try a bite!!

Kennys: Wow! That taste sure comes through in the clutch!

[All the Twins Laugh heartily before the final Voice Over]

VOICE OVER: Hit Cluster Cereal is available for a limited time only, and is part of a balanced breakfast with other great Official Minnesota Twins foodstuffs like "Base on Balls Bread" and "Orange (You Glad We're Facing White Sox Pitchers) Juice"

Dog Days: The Ideal Offense

Hello Humans...my name is Sidney. I am a dog. I am going to write some blog posts this month.

My humans normally write this blog thingy about baseball and good stuff. But lately they've been all tired and stuff. They get up and run many miles while I sleep on the porch. They work on things like spreadsheets and lesson plans while I sleep on the couch. They clean up the house and and read lots of books and cook tasty foods while I sleep on...well..anything they aren't cleaning or reading on.

That leaves very little time for baseball watching, and even less time for baseball writing. The hairy human calls these "the dog days of August..." So I guess they are days for me to pick up the slack!

I like baseball. It is a chance to eat food that my humans drop and sit next to them for three hours of uninterrupted petting. I also like watching the humans on the screen. They run and run and run...like me! They chase balls lots and lots...like me! They are capable of amazing feats of strength and power.

I am fluffy.

But I would rather be fluffy than be strong.

I think the Twins would be better if they balanced strongness with fluffiness.

Think about it. If you hit the ball over the fence then you cannot chase it anymore. It's gone. Behind every wall are gnomes and pixies and things that are playing with the ball. I can smell them. They are bad. The Twins should keep the ball on their side of the wall so they can keep playing with it. If it hits off the wall than the Twins get to run and run, and the other teams have to run and run.

I know that the power is a good thing and it helps the Twins to win the games that make so many humans happy. But if all you have is power, then you don't have other good things, like speed and fluffiness!

Atta Human, Brian!

So they should hit some home runs but not only home runs. They should be like the strongest, fluffiest person I know: Brian Dozier. He is an inspiration to us all. Sometimes strong, but always fluffy. Of course, a .726 OPS is not that impressive, but it is marginally above the second base average for the league and shows signs of improvement that may continue in coming years. Also his hair is fluffy. He is my favorite.

Okay, my human is looking for someone to play tug-of-war with. I am going to beat him this time. For I am strong and fluffy. I am the Brian Dozier of the Dog World.

Bye for now humans. Enjoy the dog days

Sidney the Dog

A week in retrospective

Okay--so this last week has been a little busy here on the ol' home front. So let's try to do this as best we can:

Here's the last week in Minnesota Twins action

Wednesday the 4th--Delmon Young continued a ground balls hit just hard enough to avoid rally killing double plays and adding to his RBI total and our win total

Thursday the 5th--While Stinky worked at a--what do you call it: Job?--Scruffy felt a terrifying sense of impending doom. (Ron Mahay's alien arm will do that to you) Then Scruffy's mom (the Knitting Queen) made two predictions:

1) "The baseball gods, in their infinite wisdom, will not allow the Twins to lose this game when they so clearly should have won it. Sure, we may have gotten deprived of other games, but this one we clearly deserved to win and so...win it we will."

2) "We will score two runs in the 9th. I don't know how, but we will."

And low and behold we did score two runs, thanks to a suprising/distratcing double off the catwalk, The Knitting Queen was proved prescient, Scruffy no longer felt doomed and Stinky got a welcome distraction from work

Friday the 6th--Bad waitress, bad game. No more to say about that.

Saturday the 7th--Then Jason Kubel hit a home run to remind us all that running is stupid, and Carl Pavano's (and his mustache) saved the day again.

Sunday the 8th--Instead of watching the game, Stinky and Scruffy went to see Inception. Presumably the Twins beat the Indians by invading Shin Soo-Choo's dreams and convincing him to spin a top...or something...

Monday the 9th--Day-off in Chicago, the Twins snuck into a posh restaurant in enemy territory by posing as "Abe Froman: Sausage King of Chicago"

Tuesday the 10th--To celebrate the birthday of Scruffy's older brother (Chicago resident/Twins Fan) Scruffy arranges for fireworks set off by the Twins line-up. Unfortunately the team assumes that this was a metaphorical request and therefore only hits home runs rather than actually lighting fireworks.

Wednesday the 11th--Despite the haunting quack of "Swarzak" the Twins use Glen Perkins in the middle of a playoff race--the result is a foregone conclusion.

Thursday the 12th--Deprived of television, Stinky and Scruffy listen to the radio and are forced to chew their fingernails throughout Francisco Liriano's Bogus Journey in the 5th and 6th innings...but victory is achieved and all is made well.

And that brings us up to today. The Knitting Queen is off to the game tonight, and Scruffy, Stinky and Scruffy's little brother will be off to the game tomorrow night. Then Scruffy returns to Ohio and Stinky heads to Montana...but we'll be here...maybe not every day, but as often as we can be.

Until then,

The Peanuts from Heaven

Feeling Guilty

This is Zack Grienke--or actually it's Zack Grienke's head photoshopped onto the body of a Thundercat for my own amusement.

I did this photoshop because 1) it amused me, 2) the Thundercats are the coolest alien/animal/action hero cartoon characters ever, 3) Zack Grienke's about the only Royal who is talented enough to merit association with the Thundercats.

Unfortunately for the Kansas Citizens, Zack Grienke's awesomeness, so apparent and awe inspiring last year have been in woefully short supply this year as you might be able to tell from the fact that the Twins made Mr. Grienke and all his little powder blue buddies run home crying last night. We hope that Greinke's excellent pitching will return soon...preferably when he has to play against the White Sox...and the Tigers...and really anyone who's not us.

Now, we could spend the rest of this blog talking about how awesome Mauer is, or opining on Delmon Young's .427 batting average this month, or pointing out that Danny Valencia may secretly be Batman, but that would be gloating. And the last time we gloated after a victory bad things happened--bad things called "losses to the Cleveland Indians". So we will keep shtum for our own good.

But, in addition to covering our own butts, we want to be nice to those teams who are a little unhappy right now--and there are a lot of them in the AL Central. The Indians, deprived of their King; the Royals, deprived of their ace; the Tigers deprived of their hits by Matt Garza; the White Sox...okay we don't want to be nice to the White Sox...but to everybody else: "we are sorry things are hard right now. But they will get better, you will be happier and no matter what, we still like you. Now how about a hug? What? You don't want to hug this blog? Okay...I can respect that...[awkward silence, cough]"

Anyway! Well done Twins, now you play nice with those poor boys in Kansas City.

You can always

SAVE BIG MONEY AT DENARD'S!!!

Just in time for October we have a wealth of specials on sale at Denard's Super-Duper Season-Ending September-Sprint-Shootout Sales-a-Thon!!

C'mon in and sample our bargain bin of substitute first basemen! All the power of your regular first basemen but with an extra layer of rustcoat to protect against end of the season breakdown. They're made in the USA, and have the branding on the butt to prove it! Best of all the cost just the same as cute, cuddly, teddy bear of a right fielder!

Retro is Nowtro with Brian "You Make Me Feel Like" Duensing Yellow Cardigans and platform shoes with aquariums in the bottom! Just in time for Halloween your kids can look like the Twins' #5 starter...heck, does your kid have a paper route? He could probably BE our #5 starter! For only $13.95!

BUT WAIT, There's more!! In honor of our founder's Super-Sweet-Special-Six-Sruns batted in: we're offering, not one, not two, not three but SIX WHOLE PEANUTS FROM HEAVEN!! (Warning, do not ingest peanuts from heaven, as they are peanuts with fuzzy angel wings hot glued on...serious choking hazard for Children under the age of 4, and frat boys under the influence of 4 beers.)

Stop on in today, because while the season might last until October, these deals won't!

Another Perfect Night in Twins Territory

--FROM OFFICIAL TWINS TERRITORY NEWS MEDIA--

Prior to last evening's game against the Pirates of Pittsburgh--whose noble people shall be freed from the shackles of despotic management once they submit to the glory and the power that is Twinsism--Twins Territory Chairman Joseph Mauer--Glories and Hosannas be upon his name--decreed that the sky should open and rain should fall upon the arid lawns of all loyal Twins Territorians. 

Furthermore, in another example of the prescience and forethought that have made Twins Territory a shining beacon in a sea of troubled waters that are actually land--but will be called seas for the sake of this metaphor--his Shining Sideburnedness sheltered the playing field in a most ingenious teflon covering which is the greatest and most wonderful thing of all time (it also made Andrew McCutchen--the glowing bonfire of hope along the Alleghany--drop a ball and help us to win).

Meanwhile, a treasonous ball, which slipped from the Chairman's all-powerful hand and was labeled an error by villainous agents of the West, was arrested for subversiveness, libel and acts contrary to the best interests of Twins Territory. It shall never be spoken of for all eternity.

Beyond these acts of bravery and fortitude Chairman Mauer also stroked the ball brilliantly each time he came to the plate, fed all citizens of the bleacher seats by multiplying hot dogs and peanuts, personally provided the lighting for the stadium with his natural aura of goodness and light, saved a kitten from a nearby tree, and cured cancer...simultaneously.

The Mollification of Mr. Cranky Pants

Last night I was torn between three dominant emotions:

1) Tenuous excitement about a slim lead

2) Tremendous excitement about a big lead

3) Tremendous terror at our 9th inning debacle

However, to be fair, if Ze Ubermensch and Pretty Princess Mijares are going to have one bad night per month that it should be during games where we have a nice fat lead.

But lost among the number of homers, and imploding bullpen is perhaps the greatest play of the night: in the 6th inning, with Jason Kubel on first, one out, and Cuddyer at the plate the following signals were exchanged between Scott Ulger and Jason Kubel.

ULGER: Right shoulder tap, left shoulder tap, brush right leg (Translation: Run really really hard when Cuddy hits the ball)

KUBEL: Left helmet touch, nose touch (Translation: I don't wanna.)

ULGER: Helmet brim graze, buckle tap,buckle tap, buckle tap (You're a professional athlete--RUN!)

KUBEL: Right elbow wiggle, belt buckle tug, brush left leg (But we've lost the last few games when I was trying to run hard--and besides, I brought my giraffes with me.)

ULGER: Chin scratch, deep knee bend, helmet shake (We are not having this debate, when the ball is hit RUN HARD!!)

KUBEL: Touch tongue to nose, pirouette, jete, jete (Can't I be a ballerina instead? It's fun look!!)

ULGER: Break down crying (For the love of everything holy, RUN!)

Kubel, out of mercy to Scotty Ulger was prepared to run, but then he looked at his banner holding giraffes, still gripping their anti-running banner but with a look of abject disappointment on their faces. So, when Cuddyer tapped the ball lightly to second, Kubel ran a little, then stopped, just, stopped, because running is stupid. The second baseman was flummoxed, confused, utterly supracted, and failed to turn a double play, finally tagging Kubel in bewilderment.

Cuddyer was on first, and then Brendan Harris, Delmon Young, and Carlos Gomez hit the ball real hard and we scored three much needed runs. Which was followed the next inning by the ultimate display of Kubel's anti-running feelings: a home run.

While Ulger and Gardy would have preferred the running, but the giraffes clearly like not running more--and there are few things more terrifying than peeved giraffe.

The Return of Kaptain Kubel

When last we saw Jason Kubel...good things were happening. Of course, that was a month ago. And since then many good things have happened including Joe Mauer's Return, Cuddy's return to form, the emergence of Killthrow and Pixar's UP (seriously--very good).

But we have not seen or heard much from Jason Kubel. He of the cycle, grand slam, holding down the fort till Mauer gets back prowess. Then suddenly, yesterday, he returned in not one but TWO blazes of glory.

The only explanation of this could be heard in the dugout before the game:

MORNEAU: Wow, Jason, you look pumped up. 

KUBEL: I am, Justin...I AM!!

MORNEAU: Why, I mean, we just got pummeled by the Indians last night.

KUBEL: Because watching the Indians beat the living daylights out of our pitchers reminded me of how much fun it is to hit the ball hard.

MORNEAU: hehheh, yeah...it is pretty sweet.

KUBEL: And for a whole month you've been hitting the ball hard

MORNEAU: Yeah...

KUBEL: And Cuddy's been hitting the ball hard

CUDDYER: Yeah...(smiles and a small ping is heard)

KUBEL: And Joe's been hitting the ball hard

MAUER: Yeah....

KUBEL: And other Joe's been hitting the ball hard.

CREDE: BLAGHERAGHERAGH!!!

KUBEL: And all that time I've been focused on running faster and faster! I mean...once you go triple it's hard not to gerflipple...

MORNEAU: Huh?

KUBEL: I don't know it's Gogo's saying--

GOGO: My nose potatoes is salty!!

KUBEL: So I've been running, and running, but now I've decided that Running is Stupid.

MORNEAU: Uhhh....I wouldn't exactly

KUBEL: No, it is! I've even got a banner to that effect.

MORNEAU: Is it being held in the teeth of two giraffes?

KUBEL: Yeah...gives it a little panache, don't you think?

MORNEAU: Uhh...

KUBEL Anyway...HERE WE GO TROTTING INSTEAD OF RUNNING!!! WOOO!!

We at Peanuts fro Heaven do not agree with Jason Kubel's banner, but we will defend to our dying breath Jason Kubel's right to say such things on banners held in the teeth of giraffes. {A combination of respect for the first ammendment, and just loving everything to do with giraffes}

I'm liking this...

whole new batting order/run-scoring barrage. However, now that we have scored as many runs in two games as we scored in a normal month last year, I will use my low expectations to assume that we will never score ever again, nor win, nor smile.

But in the mean time we leave with Michael Cuddyer, he of the impossibly deep dimples, and blindingly white teeth...do not stare too closely at Michael Cuddyer's smile, it is like the sun and we would hate for our beloved readers to go blind.

Ps. We are not sure whether Michael is on the left or the right in this picture.

GUEST BLOGGERS

I was saddened not to be able to really watch the game tonight, seeing as how I had to work and whatnot. But fortunately Peanuts From Heaven Inc. had reporters on the scene

One of the best parts of this blog is that we, your peanut-brained editors in chief, have relatives who greatly enjoy baseball. As much as we do, in fact. And hold the Minnesota Twins as near and dear to their hearts as we hold it to ours.

In that spirit, I provide this verbatim recap of tonight's savory sweet victory over the Kansas City Disgraces to the Throne: {Names are changed to protect the innocent}

NA: It was good.

QueenOfChants: We won.

NA: Yeah, we won.

QOC: We won and Chicago lost.

NA: Chicago lost?

QOC: Chicago lost TWICE!!

NA: Chicago lost twice?!?

QOC: TWICE!! To the Blue Jays...AT HOME!!

NA: Boy, those Blue Jays

QOC: I know.

NA: Swept us.

QOC: But the beat the White Sox IN CHICAGO!!

NA: Alright!

QOC: So we're only 1 game back.

NA: Yeah...

QOC: Reading from the internet: "Sizzling Jays sweep Chisox. TWINS JUST A GAME BACK!!"--"They not only lost two games but also lost 1st baseman Paul Konerko to a knee injury in the second game."

They didn't trademark any catch phrases, or photoshop anybody for us. But they did catch les mots juste: "It was good. We won. We won and Chicago lost."

Let that be our mantra as we wind down the season, and we shall hope that each night can end with the magical refrain: "It was good. We won. We won and Chicago lost."

Blow outs...sweet, sweet blowouts.

When you score 14 runs...that's sweet

When you win by ten runs...that's sweeter than pecan pie.

When you hit four home runs in a single game...that's sweeter than high fructose corn syrup.

When you hit 7-for-14 with runners in scoring position...that's sweeter than high fructose corn syrup infused pecan pie slurpy.

Peanuts from Heaven Inc. spoke to the hot hitting (we can't believe we're writing that either) Delmon Young inside our own mind.

BM: Where's...where's Delmon? I thought we had a meeting set for after the game...where's...where [crack of thunder and puff of smoke]

DY: YOU'VE BEEN SUPRACTIONIZED, BITCH!!!

BM: Yeah...I uh...I guess I have.

DY: Wanna see my latest card trick?

BM: Not real--

DY: BAM!! [throws cards in reporter's face]

BM: Great...so why have you suddenly started hitting so well?

DY: It all goes back to Supraction (TM). I was just an underperforming cog in an otherwise adequate offense and then...

BM: You combined two words into one?

DY: It was...magic

BM: Is that why you're dressed like Sigfried?

DY: Roy actually.

BM: Sorry.

DY: You better be--SUPRACTIA-ZAAM! [another burst of smoke and Young vanishes]

And so we thank Delmon Young for providing yet another evening of amusement

Bombs/balls bursting in air...

The Twins' clubhouse was quiet on July 4th, after an off day to rejuvenate their minds and spirits (and Craig Monroe's supply of acorns), they soon noticed something wasn't quite right.

"Hey," said Justin Morneau, between buttocks toning knee bends, "has anyone seen Little Nicky Punto?"

"You know," said Delmon Young as he crammed a rabbit into his hat, "since he made that sweet defensive play to beat the Tigers, I really haven't though about him."

"He hasn't been the batting cages...though god knows I've been looking for him," said Mike Redmond as he dropped his robe and strode proudly off for a little naked batting practice.

At that moment, Punto walked into the clubhouse, in a broad lapeled coat, a frilly shirt, a white wig, and a glazed look in his eye.

Shaggy Gurrier dared to ask what everyone was thinking: "Nicky P? Where have you been?"

"I watched the whole John Adams miniseries yesterday."

"Really?"

"Yeah...it was...it was--" and a single tear rolled down Nick's face as the silence grew.

"As overrated as Adams himself?"

"What?!? Did you call John Adams overrated?!"

"He was the only one term president in the first 50 years of the union--"

"Nobody could have followed Washington successfully!"

"He didn't fight in the army--"

"He was a little busy organizing the diplomatic efforts throughout all of Europe!"

"He passed the Alien and Sedition acts--"

"He...well...yeah that did suck...but he didn't want to!"

"I don't understand," said Denard Span, "why do you care so much?"

Little Nicky Punto looked around the clubhouse wildly, finding only quizzical faces and Brendan Harris cutting his eyes to the camera with a wry grin on his face, "Why do I--Why do I--he was--you don't--HE BUILT AMERICA!!! It's the Fourth of July, Independence Day, a day that would never have been if John Adams hadn't stood in Independence Hall and urged the waffling delegates of New York and Pennsylvania to rise above their petty differences and come together! The Declaration of Independence was Jefferson's writing of Adams' ideas! He kept us out of a disastrous war with France! JOHN ADAMS IS AMERICA!!!"

"Do you need a nap Nicky P?" asked Shaggy

"NO!! I need to dedicate my performance tonight to John Adams!! 

For he has inspired me to do great things for America!"

"And I will dedicate mine to Thomas Jefferson!" cried Delmon Young, "for he created the magical dumbwaiter!"

"And I will dedicate mine to Benjamin Franklin!" cried Livan Hernandez, rising from his hammock and putting down his Pina Colada. For he was as nearly as great a lover, as I am!"

And that's how the Minnesota Twins celebrated the best Fourth of July ever.

Now THAT'S more like it

One fine day in June, the Minnesota Twins were chilling in the dugout, contemplating strategies for beating the Washington Sucktasticals.

CARLOS GOMEZ: Guys...this sucks, man.
LIVAN HERNANDEZ: I know what you mean...it is like a stake, a stake into my heart.
DELMON YOUNG: But...how is it like a stake in your heart? You had a win last night.
CARLOS GOMEZ: Yeah barely. I mean...we came very close to not winning.... the last thing I want is Di--fat-ri young laughing in my face.
DELMON YOUNG: Hey b*** that's my brother! Besides that wasn't even a good joke.
JOE MAUER: (pats Gomez on the back) Hey man, it's OK....not everyone can make good fat jokes. Remember how hard it was to come up with fat jokes for Sidney Ponson?
ALL: (nodding in agreement) yeah....
JUSTIN MORNEAU: Fatthew Lecroy made it so easy, we forget what it is like to struggle.
(All nod, but don't really know what he's talking about because Lecroy is before their time)

CARLOS GOMEZ: OK let's get back to business... I mean let's face it... the Washington Nationals suck.
KEVIN SLOWEY: Maybe they only suck in Washington? Their sucktastickness may be non-transferrible.
CARLOS GOMEZ: What does that even mean?
JUSTIN MORNEAU: Guys, don't think so hard. But seriously though, I think it might be simpler than that. So simple, it's right in front of our faces.. (crosses eyes to see in front of face)
JOE MAUER: Hey guys...why don't we try to...hit the ball?
ALL: Huh?
JOE MAUER: Well... I mean... you know how in those 3 games we lost to Chicago, our runs in all 3 combined weren't even enough to win one game? I think maybe if we hit the ball more...maybe that wouldn't happen as much.
SLOWEY: Also, I'll try to throw the ball so the other team can't hit it.
LIVAN HERNANDEZ: Hey maybe I should try that.
JOE: so...are we ready?
ALL: YEAH!!!
And they all trotted out to the field, ready for victory.