Refuge from Malaise

When the biggest addition to your franchise is a new groundskeeper, you may become a little desperate in your dreams for new acquisitions. It is in that spirit that we present another announcement from the Alternate Reality Twins: where classic ballplayers who exemplify the Twins style of play are brought into the clubhouse (and all for an amount the Pohlad's are willing to pay).

Joining outfielder Tyrus Cobb and the already formidable infield of Frankie Frisch, Honus Wagner and Pepper Martin, the Alternate Reality twins offer a warm welcome to new first baseman: Jack Roosevelt Robinson, and new catcher: Lawrence Peter "Yogi" Berra. 

The following conversation solidified the team:

BERRA: Where da bejeesus are we?

ROBINSON: It's an alternate reality. A place where classic ball players are still alive, steroids have never been invented and tens of people actually read this blog.

BERRA: But whadd're we doin' here?

ROBINSON: Well, the Twins are a scrappy, contact-hitting, slick-fielding, always-running, hard-throwing, dirt-in-the-shirt kind of team. I'm here because that's exactly what I brought to Brooklyn in 1947, and that's the way I always played for my entire career.

BERRA: But whadd'em I doin here?

ROBINSON: Well, rather than doom you to a life under the thumb of George Steinbrenner, where you have to make insurance commercials featuring a talking duck, we've brought you to Twin Cities to fight for truth, justice and make surreal and occasionally stupid statements for comic relief.

BERRA: I heard about them Twin Cities, I heard they're as close to each other as Minneapolis is to St. Paul!

ROBINSON: Um...yeah. Anyway you'll be catching for the team, you think you can handle that, Yogi?

BERRA: Well I heard 'em say it could never be done, but that don't mean it ain't possible!

ROBINSON: Um...yeah. Well, Yogi, you have to know one important thing: we hate the Yankees and everything they stand for.

BERRA: WHA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ROBINSON: It's true and if you're going to be part of this team you'll have to despise them too isn't that right guys?

FRISCH, MARTIN, WAGNER: YEAH!

COBB: Or you can be like me and hate everything!!

BERRA: But I got good memories 'bout the Yankees, and my memory ain't so good.

ROBINSON: But Yogi, the Yankees are evil--

WAGNER: They are actually vampires--

FRISCH: They are the cause for all human suffering--

MARTIN: They ran over my cat--

COBB: Then Babe Ruth ate that cat and ruined the American Housing market.

BERRA [With fingers in his ears]: LA-LA-LA-LA-LA If I can't hear nothin', nothin's true!! The fundamentals of our economy are strong! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!

ROBINSON [Pulling Berra's fingers out of his ears]: Yogi, it's okay. You're with us now. You aren't like the rest of them.

WAGNER: You are not a prima donna.

FRISCH: You would play any position the manager asked you to.

MARTIN: You actually had a personality rather than being a soulless hitting automaton.

COBB: You're ugly. [Others glower at Cobb] What? The rest of them had a nether-worldly glamour about them. Yogi's a lot of things, but glamorous he ain't.

BERRA: Thanks Ty! I'd rather be a lot of things than just one!

ALL: Um...yeah.

ROBINSON: So what do you say Yogi? 

WAGNER: Do you want to play hard?

FRISCH: Get dirty?

MARTIN: Stop evil?

COBB: And keep being ugly?

BERRA: Ya know what fellahs...when in the course of human events it becomes necessary and-- indeed--salutary for the morally upright and virtuous in the world to raise arms against the nefarious machinations of vampiric cruelty, the defense of truth, justice and Midwestern honor is more than a worthy cause, it's a holy quest, for which I will gladly risk my life.

ALL: Huh?

BERRA: Yes, I'm in.

And so was Yogi Berra turned away from the dark-side to the forces of truth and light.

The Lonely Hits Club Band Returns...

To discuss the highlights of the Twins offseason...or lack thereof.

MCNEAU: Welcome once again to Sgt. Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, where tonight we'll be discussing how are team has improved...

SPANNON: Or not...

MCNEAU: Or not this offseason. I'm Justin McNeau and with me as always are Carlos Ringomez--

RINGOMEZ: Pumpernickel!!

MCNEAU: Brendan Harrisson--

HARRISSON: Pleasure

MCNEAU: And Denard Spannon

SPANNON: What do you mean, with you as always? What are we, your sidekicks, your punching bags, your entourage?

MCNEAU: No, I just mean we hang out a lot.

SPANNON: Oh...I guess I can't be indignant about that.

MCNEAU: That's a relief.

SPANNON: What is that supposed to mean?

HARRISON: Guys, the topic for the night?

MCNEAU: Right! Gentlemen, lately Twins GM Bill Smith has been as active as a three-toed sloth on Vicodin. While we've resigned Nick Punto, we still don't have a set-up reliever or a high calibre third basemen.

HARRISON: *Ahem?*

MCNEAU: We haven't signed another high calibre third baseman, the truth is, we haven't done anything, will this inactivity come back to bite us in the ass this year?

SPANNON: No.

HARRISON: No.

RINGOMEZ: heehee, "ass", heehee!

SPANNON: There's starvation and suffering around the world, there are people who would gladly eat the crickets that provide our offseason soundtrack, people are losing their jobs and their homes here, right here! Spending 17 and a half million dollars on Casey Blake is cruel and callous and unfeeling.

HARRISON: And I'm not really that bad, I hit right-handers better than ever before last year, and though I hit fewer homeruns I can play defense anywhere and will do anything to stay part of the club.

RINGOMEZ: heehee, "ass", heehee!

MCNEAU: But what about the bullpen? I mean, I can only hit so many home runs to retie the game after relievers whose names don't rhyme with Smred Smirate Smoe Smathan give up a four run lead.

HARRISON: I agree, the absence of Neshak is less than thrilling, but we've cobbled together better bullpens with less.

SPANNON: And the celebrity obsession with pitchers is utterly inane, to turn one member of our nonet into the Atlas upon which all our hopes rest bespeaks a culture biased against we who flash the leather, be it snaring ground balls or scaling barriers to keep the spheroids where they belong...in our gloves.

MCNEAU: I'm sorry, was that supposed to make sense?

SPANNON: Just because I don't have your marketability or commercial appeal doesn't mean--

MCNEAU: Oh is this about the commercials again, Denard I keep telling you--

[ARGUING UNINTELLIGBLY]

HARRISON: Guys, don't fight in front of Carlos!

[SINGLE TEAR FORMS IN RINGOMEZ'S EYE]

MCNEAU: Sorry.

SPANNON: Sorry.

RINGOMEZ: [Sniffle]

MCNEAU: Okay, to close today's discussion I'll ask everyone for one person they would like to see the Twins sign before training camp.

SPANNON: Will Ohman, he's a lefty reliver, he's experienced, he needs to stop playing for the racially insensitive Braves.

HARRISON: I'd like to bring back Eddie Guardado, he'll ask for lest money and remain a great clubhouse influence.

RINGOMEZ: Bring back Dennys Reyes! I need someone to share a grand slam breakfast with!

MCNEAU: And I'll cast my vote for Ambiroix Burgos, he's young, shows promise, and has an X in his name which makes him very cool. Well that's it for this edition of the Sergeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band, keep coming back to Peanuts From Heaven for all your fanciful discussion needs.

It's bad...but not brain explodingly bad

A few days ago my esteemed colleague gave us all her impersonation of the Twins' offseason. And I must say, I cannot agree more. Beyond a few feverish dreams and a bunch of deals that never got done the Twins have been quieter this offseason than a bound and gagged Marcel Marceau, but a frothing-at-the-mouth op-ed in today's Star Tribune makes me feel like I ought to defend Bill Smith's Napoleon plan this offseason. (Namely: First we show up, then we see what happens.)

A few weeks ago I suggested the following steps to have a better offseason: 1) Learn from the past, 2) Focus on the present, 3) Don't destroy the future. And while Bill Smith hasn't given away the farm, nor signed a corner infielder with an AARP membership, he hasn't exactly figured out a way to make our present much better either. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm willing to wait and see what he'll do. I'm sorry to see him act, as K. so right pointed out: "like the lonely nerd at the prom who's afraid to ask the girls to dance." I would like him to act more like the Pickup Artist, stroking John Smoltz's beard until the arm attached to it joins our pitching staff, convincing Bobby Abreu that, since his eyes are like starshine, he should learn to play third base and take a paltry salary because the beauty of his smile is worth all the gold anyone could ever want. Smiths seems a little gunshy...so, maybe this photo will remind him of what he can be.

Still, I'll tell you what I won't do. I won't give up. I'll agitate, I'll encourage, I'll make pie-in-the-sky suggestions, but I won't call anyone a failure before the season is through and we see how the moves pan out. (Unlike shmucks whose names rhyme with Smatrick Smeusse) Just because Yankees GM Brian Cashman paid three players enough money to make his last name ironically accurate, doesn't mean that he made his team that much better (he did similar things the last 7 years...and it didn't exactly work out for him).

We've been too quiet, I agree, so let's get out there and make it happen, let's start FreeAgentMatch.com, where Bill Smith can find the players we have instant compatibility with. Let's stop being crickets...but let's not be too quick to judge either. You don't win a World Series in January, and Bill Smith is probably smarter than I am...though not nearly as adept at photoshop.

Shoppin'

Sometimes, you just need a little Peanuts from Heaven to get you through the day.
Sometimes, I need a little Peanuts from Heaven to get me through the day.
That's when things like this happen:
This is my impression of the Twins' offeason thus far:

I'm not sure why I thought the heart was necessary. Just seemed like the thing to do.

MLB.com promises that things will get more interesting in the near future. I'm waiting. So far we've been like the lonely nerd at the prom who's to scared to ask the girls to dance.

Also a quick get well soon to Joe Mauer after his (minor kidney..?) surgery.

Hopefully we'll be back soon with more excitement...but for now....crickets.