The Great Twins Scotch Bet: WE HAVE A WINNER!!

And that winner...is me. Yay for me!

Yes, all you loyal readers out there (which blogger seems to think is in the 1,000 range and I know is much closer to the 1.000 range), I have won something, because the Twins (in turn) won something!

With their victory last night over the Detroit Tigers I have triumphed over both my wife (and fellow blogger) and my father-in-law to accurately predict that the Twins would win about 70-71 games this year

YAY! Someone we've never met has won a prize for doing nothing
more than making a slightly more accurate guess than other people!
YAAY, MR. PEANUT!!

Clearly, the Twins did this to thank me for my years of selfless blogging on their behalf. My positive attitude and enthusiasm. Still, it was a team effort, with a host of victories being tallied courtesy of a surprisingly strong Eduardo Escobar (justifying the love I gave him back when he used Grease as his walk up music), an unusually potent second baseman, a bullpen that didn't struggle until recently, and Phil Hughes' New Years resolution to give up walking people.

However, clearly the most important person was me, which is why I've been saying that "I" won, rather than "we" won. Although, to be true to myself, it seems only right that I offer the Twins a sip of my scotch. So come on over, Ricky Nolasco! Come on over, Oswaldo Arcia! Come on over, Kyle Gibson and Anthony Swarzak, Ryan Pressley and Brian Duensing, Kurt Suzuki and Trevor Plouffe, Danny Santana, and Kennys Vargas (assuming you're actually old enough to drink), you can even come on over, Joe Mauer: The Drinks are on Me! (Or more accurately, my wife and father-in-law who graciously don't see this as bragging!)

And now the only question is--Balvenie Portwood, or Laphroig 25?

The Great Twins Scotch Bet: Part 3, That Sinking Feeling

Hint...it's not looking good.

Backstory: Each year, my wife, father-in-law and I place a small wager on the Twins final record. The victor gets a glass of excellent scotch, the losers get to pay for it.


It's been about 10 games since my last update (give or take a double header), and with just two weeks to go in the season, it seems like I ought to check in and see how things are looking.

Gouger's Bet: 75-87 or better
Smelly's (my) Bet: 70-92 to 74-88
Stinky's Bet: 69-93 or worse

2014 Twins 63-86...on pace for 68 Wins
Here's how the Twins need to fare in their last 13 games for us each to win

If the Twins win 6 games or less, Stinky wins
If the Twins win 7-11 games, I win
If the Twins win 12 or more games, Gouger wins.

Me watching the bullpen

I truly admire my father-in-law. He genuinely thinks that the Twins have a shot every year, he is genuinely disappointed every time they fail to live up to his expectations, and he is genuinely happy to buy us scotch.


I, however, feel utterly dumbfounded. I mean...really...my first update post, 22 games ago, had the Twins in need of just 13 wins to make me happy...here we are, about three weeks later, and they haven't even gotten to half of that total. We aren't battling the most dangerous teams in the world, and yet we are getting kicked in the nuts as consistently as a peanut farmer at a mule pen.

It's half full...I swear!
It's half-full!!!

Forget who we play for the next week, the big question is, do I have any chance at all?


The Twins are returning home for the next 9 games, this week that includes six games against the Tigers and Indians, both of whom are in the thick of the Central Division title race. 

While the Twins have had some success against the Tigers this year, even I can't delude myself into thinking that we can get more than a win against them this week...after all, we aren't playing the Tigers from July with the Twins from May, and then there's the whupping Cleveland foisted upon us this past week...which makes me even more dour.

My best chance is for the Twins to sweep the Diamondbacks next week (one of the few teams even more woebegone than we are) and squeak a couple wins this week...but I'm not hopeful...

The Great Twins Scotch Bet, Part 2: 1 out of 3 ain't Bad

Thank You Delmon...Thank you

As the Twins celebrate the workers of the world by beating the crab-cake consuming, wanna-be Lords of the American League, Baltimore Orioles (in a game punctuated by Joe Mauer exploiting Delmon Young's defense like the cold blooded despot that he is), it's time to check back in on our annual scotch bet.


Yes, it's been 10 games since my last update which means that we are now down to just 25 games left in this season and this year's scotch bet. So where do we stand?

Gouger's Bet: 75-87 or better
Smelly's (my) Bet: 70-92 to 74-88
Stinky's Bet: 69-93 or worse

2014 Twins 60-77...on pace for 71 Wins

Yes, I'm still, marginally ahead here...thank you very much Chairman Mauer for absolutely annihilating Orioles pitching today, and no thanks to you bullpen for beginning the overworked implosion that you have so rightfully earned.

Here's how the Twins need to fare in their last 25 games for us each to win

If the Twins win 9 games or less, Stinky wins
If the Twins win 10-14 games, I win
If the Twins win 15 or more games, Gouger wins.

Things are looking up...get it? Get it?

Now, you can start to see the challenge here...my father-in-law needs the Twins to post a winning record over the final month of the season, in the heat of a playoff race, at a time when the bullpen is exhausted, the starting pitching is inconsistent and the opponents are desperate not to have any bad losses.


Good thing he's such an optimist.

So...Who do we play for the next 10 games? Chicago at home for 2, the Angels at home for 4, the Indians on the road for 3, and one spare game in Chicago.
Who has the edge? Call me crazy, but I'll say me. The Twins have a winning record against exactly one team left on their schedule...and it's the White Sox. If they grab two of those three and one from the Indians, they'll be in a good place for the next set of ten (featuring more White Sox, more Indians, and the surprisingly Twins-averse Tigers). Provided that the Angels don't crush our souls, I could well be on my way to sweet, sweet scotch.

Welcome back, Gulf of Tonkin

What matters most this week? It has to be the bullpen. With the offense by turns effective and exhausted, and the starting pitching in "Gibson, Hughes, prepare to lose" mode, it rests on the increasingly underrested bullpen arms to save the day. So here's hoping that Logan Darnell, Lester Oliveros, Michael Tonkin and AJ Achter are up to the challenge.

Best. Present. Ever.

5 years ago, I got a special birthday present from my fellow Twins blogger and long time friend: tickets to Twins Fest at the Metrodome. I was pretty darned pumped to go, both because it was Twins fest and because I had a serious crush on her.

The Twins had just completed a surprisingly effective 2008 campaign and we had every reason for optimism going into 2009, and all kinds of excitement for the impending move to Target Field in just one year. We went. We met Gardy. We found out the Jesse Crain is a heckuva nice guy and we perused all kinds of various kiosks hocking a wide array of baseball paraphernalia.

At one of those stalls a vendor implied that my friend out to get me something. Not because we said it was my birthday celebration, but because he thought we were a couple.

We both laughed a little awkwardly and randomly changed the subject. I laughed awkwardly because, like I said, I was sweet on her. I didn't realize that her having the same reaction could well mean that she had the same feelings for me.

Fortunately, she was able to piece those two thoughts together. A few weeks later, thanks to her, we had "the talk". A few days after that we actually went on some honest to goodness "dates", and before long we realized there was no need to worry about scheduling the next date.

5 years later, we still care for each other, we still care about the Twins, and while we haven't been back to Twins Fest, it is where I got the best present ever.

Enjoy Twins fest, you never know what kind of great things you'll find there.

Ring out the old. Ring in the new.

It's 2013, and that means that the Twins haven't lost a game yet this year!!

Yes, enthusiasm has been in short supply for the past two seasons, with more than a few loyal supporters questioning their allegiances faster than the Malfoy family at the end of the Deathly Hallows.

We peanuts have long been among the most sentimental of the blogging community. We sigh with memories of Johan and Torii (heck, we even mourned Boof Bonser and Brendan Harris). And as the Twins rebuilding project has begun to gain momentum more and more of the guys we cheered for when this blog began have left the franchise.

We give out plaques
just for being fun...

As always, we remember the players who've left us with a vote to induct them into the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame (see the poll at the right). We laud the players who might have been good, but were mostly fun to watch and made us love the game (hence the inductions of Nick Punto and Carlos Gomez). So look through the list, vote as often as you like, and remember that 75% gets you in, 10% keeps you on the ballot and anything less than that gets a spot in the Jim Hoey Memorial Garbage bin of the mind.

But while reminiscences are satisfying to some, they really don't do much to address the present. As much as we peanuts love the by gone days of competitive, talented ball players whom we could photoshop in awkward ways, those days are over, and it does not do to dwell on dreams only to forget reality.

About a month ago, right after the Ben Revere trade, I took Stinky (Mrs. Peanut to you) out for a nice Italian dinner date night. We commiserated about the dearth of lovable guys and the uncertainty of new players. As she said, "everyone who made me love this team is gone, and in their place are a bunch of people I'm not sure will be here in six months. I used to cheer because I loved the team and the guys who were part of it. Now, I cheer because they wear the same clothes that the guys I love used to wear."

The happy couple during
a happier season

I have a feeling that Stinky spoke for a lot of Twins fans that night, few of whom are members of the blogosphere, but many of whom sit down the row or at the same bar and who have begun to approach the summer months with apathy bordering on estrangement. I've certainly had similar moments, and I've read many similar thoughts from other bloggers. But, as I told my beloved Stinky that same night, "this is part of love. The people you care about don't stay exactly the same as when you first met them, they grow, they change, and you find new things to love about them."

We could close up the blogging shop right now, satisfied that it was an amusing diversion for many years, and hope that some day the Twins sweep us off our feet again. Or we can keep writing, keep chatting and actually redouble our efforts as we find new things to love in this new team. This version of the Twins might not win, (okay they definitely won't win) but they can be entertaining and we can find entertainment in their efforts. So join us as we ring out the old (with the PFH HoF vote) and ring in the new (with new posts welcoming in our quirky line-up).

It's going to be a fun year.

--Smelly/Scruffy (Mr. Peanut)

Happy Birthday Stinky!

Hard to figure out what the best birthday present is for our fellow heavenly peanut, the immensely talented and intelligent Stinky.

First, players will officially report for spring training tomorrow. Sunshine, blue skies, balls, bats, baseball is coming back! After having to shovel off her car several dozen times this winter, this is a harbinger of good times and fortuitously timed to boot.

Second, the adorably scrappy Little Nicky Punto has been elected by you (our loyal readers) to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame. While he is small of stature he is great in grit, pluck and guile. Watching a man the size and shape of a supermarket bag boy play major league baseball never failed to make us laugh.

Third, Delmon Young has signed a contact and will be back in left field for the coming season. This means that whenever Stinky goes to the ballpark she'll be treated to another year worth of her dad saying: "Alright Delmont!!" (she'll also be treated to the various other things that people say about Delmon...but this is a family blog and we won't print them here)

Finally, there's the following clip of the honorable chairman Joseph Mauer honing his swing for the coming season. Better still, he's being serenaded by the roots raising Stinky's hopes still higher for a ?uestlove guest track on Mauer's upcoming rap album: Ballz and Strikz.

Clearly the Twins know how important it is to keep the fans happy--or at least, to keep Stinky happy. If Stinky ain't happy, ain't no body happy!

My Arbitration Demands

As the Twins prepare to bicker and dither over the salaries of several key players, I've reviewed our blogging contract and come to the conclusion that my partner Stinky and I are vastly underpaid for the services we provide.

Just look at our stats, gentle reader! Sure our posts per year average dropped last year...but we were in foreign countries for large chunks of time! We can bounce back to good form! Besides, the big stats--drawing new visitors, keeping a high loyalty rate among regular visitors, providing links to other parts of the blogosphere--all of them were stable or improved! Heck, we increased the the number of graphs and charts 400%! Blog readers love statistics! And we love our blog readers!

But, sadly, love don't feed the bulldog, Dottie. If you want us to keep churning out sassy commentary on Twins news we'll need a few things. And while Stinky may have her personal demands, I'd like to state my own contract requests now:

• An annual salary in the low two-figure range
• A no-trade clause that precludes me from being sent to a Yankees blog against my will.
• A puppy (the one at the right will be acceptable)
• Bonus incentives at a rate of 20 gummy worms for every 25 new photoshops I make, maxing out at 100 gummy worms if I create 100 or more.
• At least one comment, at any point in the year, that says: "THAT WAS AWESOME!"

If these requests seem out of line expensive just remember: if Matt Capps is getting 7 Million dollars, aren't my contributions to Twins Territory worth a bag of gummy worms over the year?

But this is not a point-blank demand, I'll happily negotiate and continue writing this blog. But we've got to work together to come up with an equitable solution for us all gang. So please, leave your counter offers in the comments section below.

***Update January 21st

As there's no response yet I'll lower my demands to

• A salary in the low ten-cent range
• The no-trade clause
• A signing bonus of three gummy worms

***Update January 24th

Fine, I give in...I'll keep blogging without a salary and without the no-trade clause...oh, and I found an unattended bag of gummy worms at my office yesterday--so we'll call that good enough

Hall of Fame Voting Philosophies--and why they're stupid

While I know it's about a week after the fact, I wanted to write about Hall of Fame voting. Though we Peanuts already made him a Hall of Famer years ago, we have to congratulate Bert Blyleven again on getting into the "official" Hall of Fame. But Bert-Fever's been tempered by a scad of curmudgeons who still believe he doesn'tbelong in the Hall of Fame. Their reasons are varied, but few have to do with his statistics. Now, complaints about Bert are less about his resume and more about the ways in which Bert violates their delicate sensibilities about who should be a "Hall of Famer".

It is those voters, those sensibilities and those complaints that I want to address, by taking a number of their arguments and pointing out the fallacies of such claims. I don't mean to claim that I'm smarter or better than the people who hold to these arguments; I'm just a former/future English teacher (hopefully*) who can't resist the urge to correct the writing of people who can't distinguish personal opinion from genuine reasoning. Below, I've listed their opinions and scrutinized their failings. If you enjoy semantic discourse read on, if not, just appreciate the fact that Bert's in and they can't kick him out now.

1) Bouncer Philosophy--If you weren't a first ballot Hall of Famer, you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some would say that the truly great are obvious and instantly admitted. This allows the Hall of Fame voters to act like bouncers at a happening night club, letting in A-listers with casual coolness and keeping the plebes at bay until those great unwashed stop bothering you or leave. Problem is, real bouncers often have to bear in mind fire code and occasionally ask even the awesomest of the awesome to wait just a tick. Cy Young (you know, the pitcher so good they named the "best pitcher of the year" awards after him) had to wait a year; Rogers Hornsby (one of the best hitters/2nd basemen ever) waited five; Duke Snider (a player frequently compared to Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle) waited eleven. Even bouncers make mistakes.

2) The Omnipotent Writer Philosophy--If I didn't vote for you before, I can't vote for you now, so you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some writers value consistency, and once they vote for someone, they vote that way forever. Unfortunately some people apply the same logic by voting against candidates. Because apparently, if you're a baseball writer, once you develop an opinion it can't change no matter how much thinking you do. This theory drives me nuts, especially when I hear people say: "how can someone who you didn't think was good enough for years, suddenly become good enough?!?!?" Why not ask, "how can you think a movie is better after you watch it a second or third time?" or "How can you change your opinion on _____? What are you some kind of thinking person who thinks?"

3) The Reputation Philosophy--If you didn't "win the big one" or intimidate your enemies you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some voters believe the the opinions of others are a good basis for their own. If you couldn't win a World Series or a playoff game; if you never won an MVP or Cy Young award; if you didn't have other players cowering in your shadow...well, you clearly suck. Here's the thing though: baseball's a team sport. You can be the greatest hitter of all time, but if your pitcher doesn't throw strikes you're going to lose. You can have an incredible unbelievable season on the mound, but part of the credit for it has to go to the defense that saved you runs and games. And I don't care how fearsome a player is, part of their intimidating nature depends on the situation (Mauer having Denard on base and Morneau hitting behind him). I won't deny that over time the best rise to the top and are rightfully venerated, but reputation alone is not enough to make a judgement.

4) The Wealthy Dowager Philosophy--Nobody lives up to the standards of the past, so to let in the "nearly excellent" would destroy the standards of the Hall of Fame:

I admit I love baseball history and doubt that some inductees are as great as others. (Bert's great, but he's not Sandy Koufax.) But I've never heard anyone say: "I went to the Hall of Fame, and it was okay, but that damned Hack Wilson plaque--just ruined it for me." This isn't the last bastion of Western Civilization, it's the Baseball Hall of Fame, let in who you want, but remember the Hall of Fame existed for decades before you and will exist for decades after. Whenever I hear these opinions I think of Aunt Augusta in The Importance of Being Earnest (like I said, English teacher), dropping her pince nez in disgust and recoiling in horror: "What Mr. Blyleven? Your ERA is 3.31 and you were born in a handbag? A HANDBAG!?!?!?!?!?"

I'm glad we can have these kinds of debates, and gladder still to have some baseball to talk about. Whether you agree with me or not, it's my pleasure to instigate the conversation. So, what do you think?

duuurrrrrgggghh

Honestly, I had a queasy feeling after Pavano looked sketchy in the early going, I nearly turned it off after the Tigers took the 7-5 lead, thinking that this would be another fury inducing extra-inning affair, and while cursing "Bing Travel Updates" (flights to MSP dropped to $200...for a minute...when no one was looking...thanks for the update 11 hours later Microsoft, really helpful) I also found time to vent my spleen on umpires, our failures with runners at third and Phil Coke--creepy looking dude. Serious.

Doctor Stats wrote in a text: "Equal parts frustrating and exciting. And we're only half way"

But noone said it better than Stinky did last night: "Dear Twins--wtf? Love, Stinky"

WTF, indeed my friends, WTF indeed.

Now let us never speak of this again.

Good Thing I Have Unlimited Texting...

The following does not explain why the Twins won last night, nor does it necessarily even belong on this blog...but it does explain why I had almost 40 texts in my inbox this morning, most of which were sent while I was at last night's game. It also helps to understand the Skittles in the previous post.

K at 7:13 pm Blackburn walked Wise on 5 pitches..not promising
7:14 pm annnnnnnnnnnnd double play.

B at 7:18 pm: was it supraction or talent that got baker out of that mess?
7:27 pm: drat thought Delmon had that

K at 7:29 pm: I know! Oh well…at least we’re making buhrle work hard.

B at 7:33 pm: yup – now if we can just get the sox offense to suck.

K at 7:35 pm: How do you propose we accomplish this? Laxatives? Tigers?

B at 7:37 pm: why not Tigers who’ve been given laxatives?

K at 7:39 pm: I think the two might cancel each other out. Ps bases loaded not good.

B at 7:38 pm: Has Blackburn been eating cake again?

K at 7:40 pm: must’ve been good cake!

B at 7:43 pm: How about vampire leprechauns?? Or wookies?

K at 7:44 pm: Gogo Gomez strikes again!
7:47 pm: Poison darts maybe?

B at 8:07 pm: Damn good cake!! Maybe yellowcake? Maybe angelcake? Maybe laxative cake?

K at 8:07 pm: Ewwww…. Or maybe he fed it to Buhrle?

B at 8:10 pm: Maybe Buhrle followed a skittle trail to said cake?

K at 8:12 pm: Yes! Clearly this is exactly what happened.
9:15 pm: A small observation – all white sox fans have nasty-ass greasy hair.

B at 9:18 pm: Ewww. In other news my dad kicks his legs in the air like a crab when Alexi swings at bad pitches.

K at 9:38 pm: Alright Joe, make me proud.

B at 9:40 pm: How does Justin feel about your affinity for DP Nathan?

(No communication for a while because I was chewing my fingernails off slowly in a Joe-Nathan-Induced panic)

(Victory!)

K at 9:55 pm: Now that right there is why I love baseball.

B at 9:58 pm: Expand please. Victory? Tension? Morneau’s booty?

K at 10:00 pm: All of the above. And I don’t think Justin is jealous of my affection for joe Nathan. He understands – pirates are hot.


...and then it deteriorated into discussions of Lint balls and swinging up onto a poop deck with a martini in one's teeth.