Dog Days: It's Okay for Puppies to Lose

Hi again humans.

I am Sidney, and I am blogging for my humans. Why you ask? My humans are frustrated with the Twins. They lose and lose, they say. My humans even argue over how much the Twins will lose, which is kind of silly because even if one of my humans win...they will watch the Twins lose.

When my hairy human takes me in the car (which I hate so much it makes me vomit in fury), he presses a button and we hear the voices of other people talking about the Twins...and how much they lose. Every voice seems to sound the same: very sad. Are all you Twins fans very sad about losing? Are all you Twins fans very sad when you need to talk about the Twins?

You shouldn't be. And I know one of you isn't.  Once in the evil car, I heard a human say "We could talk about the Twins," while two humans went "NO" in the sad voice that follows me peeing on the carpet. But one human went "Yay!" I like that human. I think he is a geek. But I like him just the same.

I didn't even have my teeth
on it...rookie mistake.

It is okay to lose. Take it from me, I used to lose every time I played tug with my humans. For years! I brought them my toy and they pulled it away no matter how hard I held on to it. Then they threw it...like they didn't even want the toy in the first place! Why take my toy if you don't want to keep it?!? (Ugh...my humans are dumb sometimes.) So I go get the toy and bring it back to ask them, then they try to take it again...only to throw it again!!

My humans are surprised that I keep playing this game. But it is because I lost so many times that I started to find ways to win! I learned from my losses. If I wag the toy in front of the hairy human, he misses grabbing it, and I can run away to chew it elsewhere! If I flop in front of the pretty human after she takes the toy, she drops it and starts petting me...WINNER!

Good boy, Pedro!

*Side note: I very much want to play tug and fetch with Pedro Florimon. He throws things like my humans. But he also chases them like me. He would make a very good playing partner. His Total Zone Runs Saved above Average is 4th best in all of baseball! My humans do not even make the list of players in baseball. They are not as good as Pedro. If I could just grow opposable thumbs, Pedro Florimon and I would play together all day long!*

It is sad that the Twins are losing. But because they lose I think that they will soon be able to win! They are basically a team of puppies. Puppies do not immediately win every game of tug, young players do not immediately win championships.

Some people say they are mad that the Twins are not trying to win. They are not playing good players! They are not hiring good players! I understand. You pay money. You want to see good things. But just think of the players as puppies. I think the human gnome man who manages the Twins already thinks of them this way. He calls them by puppy names! If "Gibby" struggles, it's okay, he's just learning. If "Hicksy" can't hit, it's okay, he's just learning. If "Oswaldo-y" drops a ball, it's okay, he's just learning

Now imagine 8 more of me
at Target Field!

Sure, you can go out and buy already trained dogs who will win games of tug and always go fetch and win many blue ribbons for prettiness. But they cost a lot of money and so you can probably only buy one or two. BUT! You could always buy a bunch of little puppies and train them to win games of tug and go fetch and look pretty all the time. Plus, you get to see puppies. And puppies are cute.

Like me.

So be like the Geeky human in the car. Cheer for the puppies! They will learn! You will be proud!

YAY PUPPIES! YAY TWINS!!

Dog Days: You Guys are Weird

I SEE YOU READING THIS CAT!!

Hello again.

I am Sidney the Dog. And I am writing the August posts for my humans. They are training to run 10 miles. They are weird.

I have noticed that many humans are weird. If you are a human who is reading this, think about it. (But if you are a cat on a human's lap reading this...HEY! STOP BEING A CAT!! BE A DOG!!! DOGS ARE BETTER!!!)

Anyway, think about it: you humans look at a number of glowy things all day long. You watch them very carefully and the things on them make you laugh and cry and shout things. That seems weird. I don't laugh or cry or shout...well except at cats (HEY CAT READING THIS!! I SAID STOP BEING A CAT!!). My humans say it's wierd I pee on so many things...but what is weirder: getting emotional over things on glowy boxes or using urine to claim ownership of things you care about?

You humans don't show you care about things by peeing on them...you show it by being emotional. You care about eachother. You care about what you see on the glowy things. And you care about fluffy things like me. You are loyal to things you love. Thats why my humans are always together, and why they watch their glowy things even when it makes them mad or makes them cry, and why they pet me even after I pee on their carpets*.

*(I just wanted to make sure any visiting dog knows that I own the carpet. Just to make sure no one takes it away. It's a good carpet. And it is mine.)

Justin Morneau...who is not as cute as me

My humans are loyal to the Twins too. My lady human likes Justin Morneau very much.  She whoops when he hits home runs and says "it's okay" when he strikes out. Sometimes, when my hairy human is not around, she says he is cute. But she says I am the cutest. So that's okay.

But she is very nervous. She says she hopes Justin does not get traded. I don't understand trading. Why would you send something you like away for something new. I would never "trade" my carpet. It is a good carpet, and I have marked it as mine.

But my hairy human says it would be okay if they traded Justin to some place he could win. He wants Justin to do well and says Justin cannot do it with the Twins right now. And trading Justin, he says, will help the Twins later. He likes Justin too, so he wants Justin to be happy.

I suppose if my carpet wanted to go somewhere else I would let it. But c'mon...it's a carpet...it just lies there being soft and easy to sleep on and smelling like me.

You humans care so much about so many things. I only care about the things I pee on. And the things I chew on. And my humans. And the humans my humans care about...I guess I care about a lot of things too. I guess I am weird too.

I know that lots of the humans who write these baseball blog things, write about the good and the bad about trading the Twins. I don't know about that. I'm just a little puppy. I suppose a starting left hander with upside in A Ball (probably between 19 and 21) and/or an upper level corner infielder with an established glove (no less than +5 UZR rating over the last two-three seasons to mentor Sano and others) would be ideal, if a little wishful given the market restraints and the limited time remaining in the season. But what do I know? I'm just a little puppy.

I know that as much as humans who like baseball can dream about trades, none of us will make a trade happen (especially me, because I am a dog). Just because you think about it does not make you not care about players you have always liked, and just because you worry that the trade will happen does not make you not care about the team getting better.

Will accept trade offers for
the human on the right

You care about things, and you think about giving up the things you care about. You guys are weird. I would never trade my humans. I care about them, and they care about me, and we are all weird together.


Though, I suppose...if any blogger wants my hairy human and is willing to trade me three months worth of steaks and my own personal extra comfy carpet...I may be willing to reconsider that...it better not have another dog's pee on it though.

Bye for now...I'm going to lie on my carpet.

Sidney the Dog

A Modest Proposal & Feeling a draft

After our sudden, unprecedented four game winning streak (that led to an actual series victory for the first time all year!) I would like to make the following proposal. Let's all quiet down on the whole "gloom-and-doom" palaver on the Twins.

I know that I've been as guilty as anybody about admitting that I would believe a comeback when I saw it, and while four days in June do not make a season better. Wins are great, but c'mon, if you've only been watching for theTwins for the wins I would like to show you the way to the nearest exit (keeping in mind that the closest exit may be behind you on the bandwagon).

A buddy of mine from college (whom I will call Coop-Dogg...because I always protect the identities of people who don't give express written consent to be included in this blog), raised an interesting point today. "Scrizzle Rube-izzle," said Coop-Dogg, "The media's gotta stop the bleeding! They keep cutting the legs out from underneath the boys." I was intrigued and Coop continued, "Positivity always triumphs. [For example] If they stop harping on Mauer and start building a buzz like "we want Joe! we want Joe!" instead of complaining about his salary....shizzle!"

We here at Peanuts from Heaven endorse Coop-Dogg's plan of positivity, and promise to be a little more optimistic and do a little less disbelieving despair in the coming weeks and months. Up first in our quest to do just that, this evening's Major League Baseball Draft!

Personally, I'm a big fan of drafts...both the breezy air on a sweltering Minnesota summer night, and the professional athletic competition variety. The air thing goes without saying, but when it comes to pro-sports drafts, I'm always trying to strategize and analyze and think ahead. My brothers and I have dreamt up drafts with baseball cards and action figures and computer game characters [yes...I was/am a huge nerd], and we've had plenty of fun gawking at the NFL and NBA drafts (even though I only watch those sports when they are on a muted tv at a bar). But I've never seen a Major League Baseball draft, so I'm excited to do just that this evening.

Now, if I were gloomy I might bemoan the fact that GM Bill Smith hasn't exactly done a great job assessing players [see Hoey, Jim; Hughes, Dusty; Harris, Brendan]. But these are the Twins, and they have a pretty solid track record in the draft [see Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, Span, etc.], and with Coop-Dogg's admonition for more positivity in Twins-related print here goes:

The Minnesota Twins front office staff is full of talented, intelligent individuals who strive to put the best product on the field at all times. They are smart and handsome/pretty and we're very very proud of them. I'm sure they will draft some very talented young athletes, and when those players led us to future victories I will repay them with more kind words or cookies [whichever they prefer].

You know, positivity feels pretty good! So here's to the Twins as they head into Cleveland, and the front office as they head into New York. [Raises imaginary glass.] Godspeed boys, godspeed!

The truly faithful

I could feign ebullience at last night's win (but one good inning does not a resurgence make). I could rail about Kubel & Thome going on the DL. I could fret about Joe Mauer going 0-5 in his return to live baseball. But I'd rather focus on someone who still has absolute, unadulterated faith in the Minnesota Twins.

The man in question is my old Grad-school chum and die-hard Tigers fan Conor Patrick Harmon. [That's him in the cap, next to the happy Indian's fan Jared Hatch.] What's that you say? How can a Tigers fan believe that the Twins are bound to win this year? Well, quite simply Conor believes that the Twins are simply lying low waiting around for the comeback to end all comebacks.

As he said to me when the Twins/Tiger series came to a close on Wednesday night: "Pssh, whatever man...this is just the end of a two month trick. Just wait, they'll come up with some obscene "Twins" run of 27 wins in 28 games, and everybody in the media will say: 'worst first two-months to the best four months in baseball history', they'll say 'oh, we should have known not to sleep on the Twins, and Gardenhire and Morneau.' And of course they'll come back to beat the Tigers in the end of the season, you'll throttle us in September and take the title. You can't fool me man!"

So there it is...Conor has proclaimed it, and I make it a habit never to doubt a man with a beard that is greater than my own. Here comes the comeback!

duuurrrrrgggghh

Honestly, I had a queasy feeling after Pavano looked sketchy in the early going, I nearly turned it off after the Tigers took the 7-5 lead, thinking that this would be another fury inducing extra-inning affair, and while cursing "Bing Travel Updates" (flights to MSP dropped to $200...for a minute...when no one was looking...thanks for the update 11 hours later Microsoft, really helpful) I also found time to vent my spleen on umpires, our failures with runners at third and Phil Coke--creepy looking dude. Serious.

Doctor Stats wrote in a text: "Equal parts frustrating and exciting. And we're only half way"

But noone said it better than Stinky did last night: "Dear Twins--wtf? Love, Stinky"

WTF, indeed my friends, WTF indeed.

Now let us never speak of this again.

Baseball in BG #2 (f. Dr. Stats/CPH & Jen, the Lonely Yankees Fan)

5 months ago I wrote about watching the Twins v. Tigers at a bar here in Bowling Green, Ohio. And while much has changed since that date (the gulf oil spill, tea party primaries, Justin Beiber's hair...) some things are constant. Like Liriano V. Verlander, and good friends who love baseball.

So it was to the aforementioned bar we went, Dr. Stats down from Michigan with his master's degree in tow, along with his fellow Tigers fan CPH and our amigo Jen*, a lonely Yankees fan in the den of AL Central fury.

*Note: Jen is the nicest Yankees fan I've ever met, which might make me view the whole team differently except for the jackassery that other Yankees fans engage in while I'm sitting in a class minding my own business.

Sadly (as Stinky put it in a text) tonight's game "isn't going so well..Correction--didn't go so well at all". Liriano felt sick (perhaps he had some of the same sketchy Labatt's beer we had in BG...it was awful...but it was SO cheap!) and Gardy got tossed on a call so bad even the Tigers fans amongst us mocked it.

Still the evening was educative (and not just because we're all education grad students), in the course of many wings and beers I gleaned the following:

1) We might not realize it, but the Twins are to the Tigers, what the Yankees are to the Twins, an unscalable roadblock which seems unflaggingly determined to ruin our lives. As CPH and the doctor told me, since our victory in '87 came at the expense of El Tigres, they have never forgiven us, and no matter how lopsided last night's game got, neither of my comrades in text books thought it would carry over to the next day (I'm not so sure).

2) But just because there's a mild undercurrent of hatred flowing from Detroit Rock City to the Mini-apple, doesn't mean there isn't some respect too. For one, there's mad love for Gardy: no nonsense, dedicated, kinda-like a cooler form of Santa. For two, there was general consensus that Ty Cobb is arguably the greatest player in baseball history. I love him, they love him, if it weren't for all the racism, everyone else would love him too. (Heck! Stinky made him an honorary, alternate reality Twin!)

3) Jen is impervious to my Yankee-bashing. No matter how snide I

get, she shakes her head and laughs it off (Maybe because her team has 27 world titles and pretends that their drunken home run king was an angel--see picture at right). As she said: "I've come to expect no less from you."...I just hope she doesn't expect anything more from me either.

4) If a total stranger asks you "how's it goin' in there?!?" in a public restroom, there is no response, except slack-jawed stupefaction. This is fact, and cannot be denied.

There will be more baseball in BG outings (hopefully with a little less bathroom weirdness), I only hope I learn as much then as I did last night.

Baseball in BG (f. Doctor Stats!)

Here in Northwest Ohio I'm a mere 90 minutes away from Detroit, and only 20 minutes away from their triple A affiliate in Toledo, which means that Tigers fans are more common than other kinds of fans--although both the Indians and the Reds are at least marginally represented. But in my program, as I've said before there are two big time Tigers fans and last night, one of them and I took a break from paper writing and sat down with a couple beers to watch the Twins V. Tigers.

This meant watching a small screen in the corner turned away from 98% of the rest of the bar who were all fixedly watching the Cleveland Cavaliers and a basketball player named...I don't know if I'm pronouncing this right...Les Browns Jammies? Is that it? Li'l help?

Still and all we enjoyed ourselves sipping our epic steins of Linenkugels and, being the well trained ex-Africa living boys we are, gnawing on chicken bones and sucking all the marrow out of each wing. Over this time period my colleague, whom we will call Doctor Stats for his knowledge of the facts and figures of the game pointed out the following crucial factoids.

1) We were awfully lucky to have Liriano on the hill and to have patience at the plate because Justin Verlander is a mighty fine pitcher with the intensity of a Thunderian

However as Doctor Stats pointed out, Verlander's been throwing over 100 pitches by the 5th or 6th inning in all his starts, meaning that while he's good he over throws sometimes and gets tired earlier in the game. To this end, Dr. Stats noted, 23% of our hitters worked the at bats to a full count...that's a job well done by our patient players.

2) Infuriatingly, at least from Dr. Stat's perspective, was the fact that Mauer went 0-5, and Morneau went 0-3 before leaving with a stiff back* and yet the Tigers still lost, mostly because of two big errors that undid an otherwise sterling (if your name is Verlander) or capable performance (if you're in the bullpen). Which led Dr. Stat's to point out another factoid. The Twins have committed 2 errors all season...the Tigers: 18--excuse me, with last night's two it's now 20!

*Note to all of Twins Territory, just because his back is stiff do not seek out your local witch doctor to banish the evil spirits infecting his vertebrae...at least...don't do it yet.

3) One final note from Dr. Stats, in case you were wondering the ratio of waitress concern for cheap baseball fans to waitress concern for increasingly drunk and excitable basketball fans is largely dependent upon the independent variable of how attractive the statistics guru at each table is--VICTORY CHEAP BASEBALL FANS!!

And victory Twins...and with Finals nearing a close...VICTORY LIFE!!

FINALLY - a win...

Stupid baseball - raising my hopes and then beating them to a pulp again.
I'd like to raise what I feel are some important questions:
1) Why does our pitching suck?
2) Why did we allow the Angels to score 35 billion runs?
3) Are Questions 1 and 2 in fact the same question?

I think one thing was missing in the equation of our series against the Angels - Torii Hunter. I think he helps us win, no matter what team he's playing for. Last year, he missed a catch in a very un-Torii-like way, and I swear...SWEAR TO GOD... I saw him wink.

...OK, that may have not actually happened. I might have made it up.

Point being, this weekend sucked.

Moving on, last night did not suck. Everyone got a hit except for Nick Punto - I guess whoever was handing out the hitting party invitations forgot to give him one.

And now, for our guest bloggers - Keeler and Herbie. They don't know they're guest bloggers, but I'm recapping a conversation the three of us had yesterday, to represent two sets of opinions on the Cabrera trade:
KEELER: See - we should have gotten a pitcher. Everyone else got pitchers!
HERBIE: True, we need more pitching - but who was even left to trade for?
KEELER: White Sox got Jake Peavy.
HERBIE:.... who might not even pitch until September. And he cost a lot. And he's old.
STINKY: Plus, if we end up getting rid of Crede, then we can play Harris at 3rd, Punto at 2nd and Cabrera at short, so we'll still have a solid infield.
KEELER: ...but our pitching is terrible.
HERBIE and STINKY: ...yeah. I know.

AND IN CONCLUSION: Cabrera's good. Our pitching currently sucks. LNP needs an invitation to the hitting party stat. Maybe someone mistakenly gave his invitation to Carlos.

p.s. All my future dogs will be named Carlos.

I can't think of anything to say..so I'll have someone else say it for me

Oh the dullness of days without baseball, without anything to report, without anything to occupy our time, or fantasies about penguins and or moving vans to occupy us.

Its at times like this that I read--or watch Tv--or think about baseball. And when I can watch tv about things that I read and their relationship to baseball, well, that's just kickass.

Here now--Stephen Colbert on the connection between Jane Austen and Baseball--officially three of my favorite things ever

Zoom ahead to 1:43 seconds, for the good stuff.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Tip/Wag - Marvel Comics
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Keyboard Cat

Congratulations Mr. Colbert, you've just received the Peanuts from Heaven bump

Two Recaps and a Study

So here's all you need to know about the last two games. Sunday=Good, very very good, particularly the hitting of the grand slam home runs. Monday=Not so very good--but there is this consolation: the Red Sox barely won, while playing our B-team, our team without Crede, Span or Mauer--we'll see whose smiling after the next three games.

It's in that spirit we present a spirited debate with close friend and serious Red Sox fan, Alyson "Sparky" McManus (formerly our team mate on the Great Falls High School Speech and Debate Team--Go Bison): Which team is better top to bottom--the Red Sox or Twins?

Let's debate it up! Starting with Catcher:

 

Sparky: well lets put it this way..there is no debate at the catchers position..Joe Mauer is who id take if i was going to pick a franchise catcher. Jason Varitek is a waste of air--I've seen cadavers with stronger arms.

Scruffy: Well thank you for making my case for me. First base?

 

Sparky: Well the way I see it is you've got Mr Canada vs Mr Jewish Greek God of walks, both great hitters, both decent fielders

Scruffy: But only one of them has a god awful goatee--and that man is disqualified Advantage Twins! 2nd Base:

 

Sparky: Pedroia, mvp, short firebrandy, but pulled a ryan leaf* by dissing his own town..that had to knock him down some points...who is your 2b? (*Sparky and I hate Ryan Leaf--he came from our home town and shamed us all)

Scruffy: It was Alexi Casilla, is currently Matt Tolbert and should probably be Brendan Harris...all of whom I love, but none of whom is an MVP... I cede the advantage to the Sox there. Short?

 

Sparky: pedroia is 5'8 supposedly

Scruffy: (Short Stop)

 

Sparky: oh. Well I’ve got mr julio lugo you have nick punto...julio lugo is so awful we cant trade him to the toledo mud hens for a bus. Punto is underrated, you trusted punto enough to trade jason bartlett away

Scruffy: Yeah....not the best idea when it comes to offense, however, defense is our strong suit and Nicky P makes it so that you have a three foot area that you have to try and hit the ball too   Advantage Twins! Third Base!

 

Sparky: Well put together joe crede's back and lowell's hip and you've got a golden girl. Lowell is a world series mvp whose best years are behind him but he’s hitting well recently Crede well is joe crede

Scruffy: I say old accomplishments don't count. While both are fading hitters, Crede still has great range when he's playing the bag which means more or less any ball hit to the left side of the infield is gobbled up like a pork chop on Rush Limbaugh's dinner plate. Advantage Twins! Left field:

Sparky: Jason Bay is the s***, he’s canadian, and an alumunus of gonzaga university** plus he doesnt pee inside the green monster between innings and have dreadlocks like the predator. (**As is Sparky)

 

Scruffy: Wheras Denard Span thanks god for everything that has ever happened in the history of ever. Denard knows his place in the grand scheme of the World, and Mr. Bay, though talented is far more uppity. God blesses Denard, and by association: The Twins. Advantage Twins (spiritually) Advantage Red Sox (basebally) Center Field:

Sparky: well we've got one of three native americans ranging the cf for us, hes fast, he takes walks, and hes a decent fielder, plus his girlfriend is smoking

 

Scruffy: It doesn't matter, because our Centerfielder is of Velocoraptorian decent Given the way he screams and ranges to both his left and right and is beginning to show the ability to hit for power. So while I grant you that Ellsbury is good. I do believe that my Gogo is better (and a lot more insane)! Advantage Twins! Right Field!

 

Sparky: Well we’ve got another back problem. JD Drew, he can hit, he’s proven that he can do well in boston under pressure, including key hits in the 07 run to the title

 

Scruffy: Okay, so he can hit under pressure and hit well, he also can't field worth a dump. Wheras we have a Rightfielder who hits like a badass, fields like a gazelle, throws like Thor and does magic tricks.Advantage TWINS! DH?

 

Sparky: Papi cant hit

 

Scruffy: Jason Kubel can. Advantage Twins. Bench:

 

Sparky: well we've got some great guys on the bench our other catcher is actually greek and has found out how to catch wake's knucklers, we also have alot of aaa guys up cuz of kotsay and others on the dl

 

Scruffy: Whereas we have one catcher who has on at least one verified occasion taken BP naked

 

Sparky: Mike Redmond is so old he caught for Grover Cleveland Alexander

 

Scruffy: And a host of middle infielders who are so scrappy that when they take the field it takes the whole crowd one inning to figure out whose playing where, Plus there's Delmon...who can’t field or run that great, and forgets how to hit occasionally...I think Bench might need to be a push. Starters:

  

Sparky: well we have a world series mvp, a guy who beat cancer and threw a no hitter in the same year, a guy that uses the craziest pitch as his main pitch, a former dodger who's 4-1, and a guy from Jamaica right now, but we are sitting with dice k and smotlzy on the dl

 

Scruffy: I won't lie, that is formidable, However, we have a bunch of guys who through the ball in the strike zone, do not give up walks and pitch to contact...which given the strength of our defense is all we really need. They don't have the endurance that your guys do, but they get the outs they need and keep the lead and all while being far lest costly than Josh Becketts Man-tan.

 

Sparky: Yeah, Beckett’s man tan is crazy bad, I think its a push

 

Scruffy: I'll take that. Bullpen: HA! Red sox Win. Managers:

 

Sparky: Well Gardy’s been there for awhile...but two world series rings

Scruffy: However, your manager doesn't spend his offseasons in an old person’s garden, pushing a wheel barrow towards a well. Nor does your manager get ejected just for the fun of it!

 

Sparky: Tito is too calm

 

Scruffy: Exactly, it'd be interesting though if your team was managed by the guy from little big league. Advantage Twins! So I tally the score up thusly: Twins win at Catcher, 1st, Short, Third, Center, Right, and with the Manager, Red Sox win at 2nd, Left, and bullpen Starters and bench are a push. Twins 7--Red Sox 3 TWINS WIN! Thank you for playing. Now get out