Wha Happened? #4 (@ White Sox & v.s. Marlins)

Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Twins Baseball

Game 15

Cold Weathered Out

After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February?

Game 16

Twins 2 - White Sox 1

In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal.

Game 17

Twins 5 - White Sox 3

Years ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us.

And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see.

Facing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings."


Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..."

The Blizzard of Oz

Game 18

Gross Weathered Out

In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska.

Game 18 Take 2

Twins 4 - Marlins 3

Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game.

Game 19 

Marlins 8-Twins 5

Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco, "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs, "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger,

Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (with a small sample size this mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted)

Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes)

JJ Hardy and the Mystery of The Dirty Sox

So apparently April was part of Spring, and May is part of Fall, and I'm sitting here humming "rain rain go away" before tonight's game. What is behind this sudden shift in our weatherly fortunes? Perhaps JJ Hardy Shortstop/Detective can find out in this latest edition of the JJ Hardy MYSTERIES!!

While recovering from his wrist injury, JJ Hardy, shortstop/detective ,did what he always does

in his spare time: he checked his surroundings to make sure there were no diamond smugglers in the Twin Cities. But being new to town, he wanted to have a friend join him.

"C'mon guys!" said JJ in his most eager-beaver voice, "there's always a diamond smuggler, or an art thief or an escaped criminal posing as a wealthy dowager! You just have to look for them!"

"I don't know, JJ" said Joe Mauer "wouldn't it be more fun to just free-style in my massive mansion?"

"Yeah, I mean why fight crime when you can just make it...disappear!!!" shouted Michael Cuddyer as he vanished little Wilson Ramos' bats.

Then Jesse "Ze Ubermensch" Crain suggested that, "better yet, we could ponder the the intense complexity of nature's synchronous relationship with one's soul and whether this confirms the intervention of the divine in the daily world or purely the power of biological forces elemental in the Darwinian undertones of evolution!" Then crickets chirped and everyone on the team ran away from Jesse Crain.

JJ's feet took him to the banks of the mighty Mississip, as he patrolled the caves searching for smugglers and other villains, but all he could see were stalactites, stalagmites and the city's one remaining Timberwolves fan. "Maybe, Milwaukee's the only smuggler saturated city in America." BUT JUST THEN he heard a monstrous laugh reverberating down the banks of the river. With each syllable of the "MWAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA!!!" the goosebumps on JJ's arms multiplied, and he knew from the "Big Book of Mystery Words" that this was what his idols would call "a clue"

Tip toeing towards the sinister cackle he peeked inside a cave and was overwhelmed with the fetid stank of unwashed sox. "Whoever is inside here, sure doesn't like laundry! What a silly billy!" Just then he turned the corner and saw a mad man with long white hair pulling levers and spinning dials and cackling, my goodness, the cackling.

"Purple Pig Great Food good choice Todd Stein Jajajajajajajja!" said the madman. And JJ knew immediately that this man had lost all contact with reality, but with each twist of the knob and each pull of the lever rain and storms persisted outside. Then JJ did what he always did in situations like this, he stated the obvious to guide the plot.

"He's controlling the weather! I must stop him!" and so JJ used the only thing guaranteed to overwhelm any critically deranged pseudo wizardish being: cable television. As it's ethereal glow burned in the dark smelly underbelly of the Dirty Sox cave, the wild man turned and began to ramble "I love bull fight, oh my god too much, I watching one in this moment. Watch that movie matador you see big nuts man. Very very awesome thanks comcast!"

With the madman distracted, JJ fiddled with the machinery until the rain and snow abated and it was safe to play baseball again. As he left the cave he looked back at the madman in front of the telvision and quipped "Talk about an idiot box..."

But little did JJ know that though the tv was on, the madman's brain was still hard at work, imagining more diabolical schemes. If he appears again, to bend the weather to his will, to smuggle diamonds or to pose as a wealthy dowager, he will be met by the ingenuity and passion of JJ HARDY Shortstop/Detective!!