The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat That Matters (Pt. 2: The Hitters)

This is the second in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, now we're using it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

A player with a high AARP should appreciate this meme

Coming into this season there were lots of high hopes for the offense. If they did what they had done the year before and the pitching made even a marginal improvement the Twins might be on the outskirts of the playoff race by the time July rolled around.

Instead, the pitchers were on point early on in the season, while the bats were stone cold. And though the pitchers turned into pumpkins around about May, the offense remained as sluggish as the crowd at a Sons of Norway Meatball supper all throughout the summer. In an effort to improve things, management jettisoned underperforming veterans (Jamey Carroll and Justin Morneau) and played the revolving door call-up game with underperforming prospects (Aaron Hicks, Chris Parmelee and Oswaldo Arcia). It wasn't terribly successful and in the end of the year a concussion for Joe Mauer saw our one consistently potent weapon spending weeks in rehab rather than an inning on the field.

Going forward the Twins need to find some kind of offensive identity: piranha style slash and dash? Mauer-powered double carousels? Pull happy homer fests? All are possibilities. But however they choose to play the game, they'll need amusing players to sell it to fans, and we're here to evaluate just how amusing current players were this season, so we can tell if they'll be useful long term.

Here now, the Twins hitters, as measured by AARP.

(Remember -8 to -.6 is an unlikable player; -.5 to .5 is a forgettable player, .6 to 2.0 is an every day major leaguer, 2.1 to 5.0 is a fan favorite 5.1 to 8.0 is a nationally recognizable talent, 8.1 to 10.0 is a national favorite)

Chris Parmelee
Play: Parmelee just didn't have the bat that we hoped he did, and now it's clear why his defense made him such an intinerant fielder throughout his minor league career. 0.1
Nickname: We were rooting for calling him "Chicky Chicky Parm Parm" in a Parks and Rec reference, but I don't think Parmelee deserves it 0.2
Traits: Mostly bland and unrecognizable 0.1
Demeanor: Just a work a-day ball player -0.1
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP:  0.3

Trevor Plouffe
Play: From time to time his bat clicks in the perfect way, but more often than not his defense is so bad that watching it through a bag on your head seems to be the only viable option 0.4
Nickname: "Plouffe Daddy" "Plouffe Diddy" "Plouffe There It Is"--all great signs of Plouffe's cool yet irritating double nature. Harry Potter Fans may still just call him "TREVOR!!" 0.5
Traits: As you'd expect of a close friend to Delmon Young he's both cocky and seemingly oblivous to his failures -0.3
Demeanor: Quiet, distant, nonchalant -0.1
Oddities: None...other than the really weird plays -0.1
AARP: 0.4

Darrin Mastroianni
Play: Hampered by injury, Mastroianni went from a starter to a footnote this season  -0.5
Nickname: None 0.2
Traits: None noticed 0.3
Demeanor: None noticed 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 0.4


Oswaldo Arcia
Play: Statistically, Oswaldo doesn't seem that impressive. By league wide standards he's below average (-.4 WAR), but given his youth, potential and the awesome sight of home runs leaving his bat, his play has a slightly different feel for fans who watched him regularly 0.8
Nickname: I tried "Blizzard of Os" or "Blizzard Wizard" but neither of those really work and "Where's Waldo" is just odd -0.2
Traits: Tall, bulky, with a hesitating and thick Spanish accent. 0.2
Demeanor: Quiet beyond the field, a little proud on it 0.1
Oddities: None, a typical quasi-cocky kid 0.0
AARP: 0.9




Josmil Pinto
Play: Though he only made it up briefly at the end of the season, and has a skewed sample size (see Parmelee, Chris) he was pretty impressive when he was there 0.3
Nickname: None...yet -0.2
Traits: None noticed -0.1
Demeanor: Pretty self amused, full of aww shucks surprise at his good fortune to be in the game 0.4
Oddities: Walks up to the plate to Mumford and Sons...making him the Twins first "Hipster- American" player and my wife's new favorite 0.6
AARP: 1.0

Ryan Doumit
Play: I'm awfully amused by Ryan Doumit, but I get the sense that few others are. A back up catcher who doesn't catch, Rightfielder who doesn't field and designated hitter who had only a few good weeks of hitting this year -0.1
Nickname: I like calling him "Ryan Suave" but I'm alone on that one 0.1
Traits: Permanently scruffy, often quiet, usually distant 0.3
Demeanor: Seemingly cranky when he doesn't get his shot -0.1
Oddities: I may be the only one to notice or care, but Doumit's propensity for leaving three or more buttons undone is something out of Magic Mike 0.8
AARP: 1.0



Pedro Florimon
Play: Awful hitting, really good fielding 0.6
Nickname: None, maybe "Flor-E-mon" for those who aren't satisfied with his defense -0.3
Traits: So quiet and distant that you forget he's out there, seems to have inherited Alexi Cassila's role on the team and his goofy little goatee 0.2
Demeanor: Silent during the game, happy enough to do the jump at the end of the game 0.1
Oddities: He does the same unbuttoned shirt thing as Ryan Doumit, albeit less frequently  0.4
AARP: 1.0

Josh Willingham
Play: After a tremendous first season in Minnesota, Willingham's injury plagued sophmore showing had some looking for a way to get rid of him 0.3
Nickname: "The Hammer" "Willing Hammer" and other hardware puns--I still think the blonde bomber looks like Thor, but I haven't been able to sell that one yet 0.6
Traits: Big, eye black wearing beast of a hitter, easy-going 0.4
Demeanor: Southern-fried courtesy, has some good old Deep Thoughts moments 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 1.7

Brian Dozier
Play: In addition to competent fielding (a rare thing in a Twins second baseman) Dozier had above average hitting (a very bizarre thing a Twins second baseman) 1.4
Nickname: "Brian Dozer", "Bull Dozier", "Tupelo Two Bagger" 0.7
Traits: Beautiful flowing mane of hair, awesome southern accent 1.1
Demeanor: Calm, happy go lucky, easy to talk to and willing to make a few small jokes 0.2
Oddities: None really, other than coming from the same town as Elvis and a recent anthrax mailer 0.3
AARP: 3.7


Joe Mauer
Play: After all the razzing and jokes at the expense of his "bilateral leg weakness", #7 came back with a great season, at least until the concussion knocked him out of the last month of the year 1.9
Nickname: "Chairman Mau-er", "The Joebot" 1.4
Traits: The sideburns have been shaved, but the standard issue Minnesota humility is still on display 1.0
Demeanor: He's got charisma in commercials, in average interviews he sounds like a plate of mashed potatoes  0.4
Oddities: Since we know him, we know about some of the weirder quirks--only because he's our own Prince William. So the "rap" career, the "Twin" babies, the fan mail mom are all endearing oddities to us, even if they're missed on a more national scale  0.5
AARP: 5.2

So by my reckoning, the current Twins line-up has one nationally recognizable talent (Mauer, naturally) one local favorite (Dozier), and five players who are about as amusing as the average major league you watch close to 100 times a year. I'm not even trying to count guys like Alex Pressly, Eduardo Escobar, or Chris Colabello (all of whom have to rank about near Parmelee levels right now.

Sure, Buxton and Sano have all the potential to be interesting and engaging players when their times come, but in addition to a decent middle infielder and a slugging first basemen, the Twins should put some time into developing a little personality in the batters box.

Think my ratings are bogus, you're probably right, they are totally subjective and made up...but unless you say something I'll never know. Offer your revised AARP ratings in the comments below.

The Plouffe Paradox

Last Friday, I attended what will likely be my last game of the year. As you would expect, I ate more than was good for me, and watched the Twins go down in ignominious defeat.

I also heard a noise I had never heard before at the ballpark.

There were men at first and second with one out when a ground ball rolled harmlessly to Trevor Plouffe. One out, easy as pie...but did he throw the ball to second base for the double play? No. No he did not.

I've heard fans boo; I've heard fans jeer; I've heard fans scream and cry and gnash their teeth in frustration, but until that play I had never heard fans make this noise in unison:

BAD PLOUFFE!!

"YAA--waahhhh--ohhhhh....uuuggghh..."

It took me a while before I realized what that was. It was the sound of resigned disappointment. It was the sound of hundreds of Twins fans having a reaction that was not only instantaneous, it was bred from months and now years of watching Trevor Plouffe play baseball.

YAA--it starts with excitement, potential, possibility, familiar thrills.

Waaahhhhh--then comes disbelief, sharp, incredulous, dumbfounded.

Ohhhhh--then there's recognition, a sense that this has all happened before, particularly when there's that number 24 on the jersey.

Uuuggghh--finally there's dismay, dissatisfaction, and acceptance that this is our lot in life. As if to say: "Of, course you did that, Trevor, of course you did."

Best of all, the sound can be reversed for a pleasant appreciation of underrated talent (only this time, when Trevor Plouffe is at the plate). A single, a double, the rare high arching home run. They're all moments of pure Plouffey pleasure starting with rumbling fear (uuuggghh), recognition (ohhhh), disbelief (waaahhhhhh) and excitement (YAA!)

That's what Trevor Plouffe adds to the Twins: a familiar face and even more familiar reaction. Whatever else we think of the Twins, whatever we think they ought to do in the offseason, who they ought to fire, hire or blow up in a quest to reverse the bad juju, we can all agree on Trevor Plouffe.

Maybe Plouffe's doing it intentionally. Maybe, like Haley Mills (or more accurately, like Lindsey Lohan), he's offering us a Parent Trap like chance to rekindle our love for each other.

Good Plouffe!

If we're torn between whether to rebuild the pitching staff internally or cast our lot amongst the free agents--Trevor Plouffe reminds us that we can all agree on his crappy fielding.

If we're arguing fiercely over whether Joe Mauer ought to move to first base or keep his catching gear--Trevor Plouffe reminds us that he too can hit from time to time.

If we're arguing over whether Trevor Plouffe totally stinks or only mostly stinks...well...you get the idea.

In a season of lost causes and hopeless false starts, it's important to appreciate the little things: Trevor Plouffe uniting us all in agreement is one of them. Bravo Trevor, Bravo.

OUR Minnesota Twins (Part 4)

We're a week into getting to know OUR versions of the Minnesota Twins. And while there's plenty to cheer for already, there are others we have yet to meet...so here we go!

Meet Trevor Plouffe! (Third Baseman/Infielder)

Player's Background: Drafted in 2004, Plouffe's rise to prominence has been a whole lot more "mediocre" than "meteoric". After six years in the minors he debuted with mixed results in 2010 and continued to yo-yo between the majors and AAA until last year, when a power surge boosted him to starter status and cemented him at third base...at least until injury and inconsistency dislodge him again

Alternate Background: As a child of the 80s and 90s Plouffe (like many blog-savvy young Twins fans) knows a thing or two about classic hip-hop, and (as first spotted by Diamond Centric) his last name can work perfectly in awkward puns based on popular songs from that era. Meaning that no matter how he plays on a given day there's a photoshop to suit it.

Positive Cheers: Yeah Plouffe Daddy! Yeah Plouffe Diddy! Plouffe there it is!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Plouffe let the dogs out, GET HIM!! You can't hit in Hammer's old Plouffe-y pants!!

Meet Kevin Corriea! (Starting Pitcher)

Player's Background: Unlike Plouffe, Corriea [pronounced Ko-ray-uh...not Ko-ree-uh as my kimchi loving self would prefer] had a swift ascent to the majors, debuting with the Giants a year after they drafted him (in 2003). Ten years and three teams later, Correia has some fine accomplishments (60 wins, 712 strikeouts, 1 All-Star team) and a brand new two year $10 million contract.

Alternate Background: Kevin Corriea ruined everything. Kevin Correia is responsible for the sequester, the continued reign of Bashar al-Asad in Syria, and the horrific 9th season of The Office. Signing Kevin Corriea has doomed not only the Twins' season but all Minnesota sports EVER. Which means, he's doing a bang up job because while Kevin Correia might have been signed to be a pitcher, what Kevin Corriea has become is: THE OFFICIAL TWINS' SCAPEGOAT FOR 2013! So take a bow Kevin, gnaw on a can, and know that (like Matt Capps before you) we'll love you just as long as we can blame you! ($10 million ought to ease that pain, right?)

Positive Cheers: Way to ruin everything! Thank goodness it's all your fault!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Easy Kevin, easy, don't get too successful or we'll have to reevaluate our blind hatred of you!