OUR Minnesota Twins (Part 7)

It's our final Get To Know 'Em post this Spring and we're delighted to send it off in style with two rising talents in the Twins ranks.

Meet Chris Parmelee! (Right Fielder/First Baseman)

Scott Boras at home

Player's Background: In the minor leagues Parmelee has been a steady presence at first base, hitting for some solid power numbers and earning raves from serious Twins fans who seem him as the heir apparent to incumbent first baseman Justin Morneau.

Alternate Background: Chris Parmelee is in fact the future, and I'm sure his agent (Scott Boras) will tell you that. In an effort to increase Parmelee's profile in the wake of Morneau's consistently popular "bench pressing with bears" McDonald's commercials, Boras has gotten Parmelee his own line of cheese! Yes, Chris Parmelee's Parmesean will soon be available at all fictional grocery stores, super markets and fromageries.

Positive Cheers: Behold the power of cheese! Chrissy-Chrissy-Parm-Parm!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Well, at least he got his calcium today.

Meet Liam Hendricks! (Pitcher)

Player's Background: There are few more frustrating pitchers than Liam Hendricks. All the statistics say that he should be ready for the major leagues. All the mechanics and peripherals make it seem like he should be ready for the major leagues. And yet he's a paltry 1-10 in the majors with a plus 6 ERA. Still...he has an arm so...

Alternate Background: The promising Righty from Perth is often lauded as one of Australia's top baseball products, and with good cause: he's as Aussie as a rugger singing Waltzing Maltida after eight pints of Fosters. So though his technique in American athletics might be a little less orthodox, he might be as powerful and important an Australian import as Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe or...okay, just Crocodile Dundee, or as we will now refer to him: Crocodile Hendree!

Positive Cheers: That's not a fastball...this is a fastball! He'll lay you flat out like a lizard drinkin!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't worry Liam, you had a rough outing...we'll refrain from gently mocking your beloved homeland and not even mention the words "shrimp" "barbi" "dingo" or "baby"

OUR Minnesota Twins (Part 5)

The Twins season begins in just 1 week! And yet there are still more players to meet as we continue to get to know our versions of the major league roster.

Meet Brian Dozier! (Second Baseman/Infielder)

Player's Background: A small, scrappy infielder out of Mississippi, Brian Dozier earned the attention of Twin scouts at the University of Southern Mississippi (presumably because the same year he was drafted Brett Favre [another Southern Miss grad] was working out in Hattiesburg). After just three years in the minors (a very swift ascension by Twins standards) he was given a shot to play at short stop, and struggled after some early success. Now, like many Twins infield prospects of the past, he will move from short stop to second base because c'mon-it-has-to-work-sometime-doesn't-it?

Alternate Background: While attending Itawamba Agricultural High School (seriously...that's his high school) Brian was grazed by a radioactive piece of farm equipment that allowed him to morph into any piece of heavy machinery he wanted. Since that superpower kind of stinks and Dozier thought he might turn into a power hitter some day he chose to become the mighty BRIAN-DOZER! Unfortunately, he never did become a power hitter but remained an adorable, lovable, scrappy middle-infielder. So his brief displays of power are coupled with the tendency to demolish things, like tailor-made double play balls. But hey, if he can ever harness his power for good rather than destruction...WOO!

Positive Cheers: Demolish it Dozer/Dozier!

Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us trade you for a Tonka truck!

Meet Mike Pelfry! (Pitcher)

Player's Background: A highly touted college prospect form Wichita State, Pelfry leapt to the major leagues shortly after being drafted by the New York Mets. He has been frequently inconsistent throughout his career with flashes of brilliance (complete games, 10-1 stretches) and incompetence (a +5.00 ERA and leading the majors in balks), so when he required Tommy John surgery the Mets were fine with let the high priced 29 year old walk.

Alternate Background: The successful elbow surgery has made Pelfry a candidate for the Twins' rotation this year, much to the delight of his agent/mad-genius: Scott Boras. In Pelfry, Boras has the perfect test subject for his latest attempt to sucker the baseball establishment--slowly replacing human parts with robotic ones! After all if he can assemble a roster of Bionic Men he could get at least 6-million dollars for each of them (right Steve Austin?) Thus begins the creation of Mike Pelfry: Bionic Man!

Positive Cheers: Na-na-na-na-na-na....na-na-na-na-na-na-na....; BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER!


Less-than Positive Cheers: Do you need some WD-40? Nyyyeah-nyyyeah-nya-nyyeah-nyyyyeeeeaaaahhh!!