Chairman Mauer Vanquishes All Enemies

Puckettsburgh, Twins Territory--

The great and honorable Chairman Joseph Mauer has reclaimed his honorable place as the most powerful and dominant hitter of all Twins Territory. Mauer, the bringer of light, basher of doubles, vanquisher of enemies and foe of all obviously-over-hyped-home-runs-because-come-on-it's-more-impressive-to-just-have-a-high-on-base-percentage-anyway, has reminded all loyal subjects of his greatness through repeated trouncings of the vile and terrible White Socked Warriors who despoil Twins Territory with their cowardice and violent history.

"[The chairman] has been going real good there," stated Twins Territory Strategist-in-Chief Ron Gardenhire. "He has [rescued all our hearts from the blackness of the Chicago-land pinstripes of despair and hopelessness and] hit [on the ideal system of leadership to elevate our citizenry to the heights of delirious heaven, while also destroying the capitalist, bourgeois]...ball well."

With his repeated doubles, the Chairman has rescued his loyal lieutenants from the risk of abandonment and estrangement far from home. 

While many diabolical foreign news outlets and undesirable subversives within Twins Territory have raised questions about our divinely be-sideburned Chairman's fitness and skill this year, these games have put such qualms to rest. As Minister for Excitement, Ricky Nolasco said: "Mauer is the best! All hail Mauer!! His hits are like thunderclaps, and his walks are like lightning, and his defense is like balls of hail made of adorable kittens and puppies!!! It's the best!!! Also...I AM good at pitching!!"

Even newly defected Kendrys Morales has accepted the truth of our Chairman's greatness into his heart. "What the hell are you talking about?" he said, before a week of re-education. Then he concluded his statement. "The chairman is the reason for my being here, and as long as I am in service to his greatness, all things shall be well. Woe unto those who doubt the chairman."

In other news, Chairman Mauer has devised a method for ensuring the safety of all people from the recent abundance of rain he has graced us with, by expanding the Target Fortress sustainable water system throughout the entirety of Twins Territory we shall have water for all dry seasons while our enemies die of thirst, drought and the oncoming plague of frog-locusts, scheduled for whenever the Chairman feels like beginning it.

Minister of Excitement Proclaims "Opening Day!!"

Minister of Excitement Nolasco Proclaims Opening Day!

Also Proclaims Baseball's Awesome!! and Glory to Twins Territory!

News for the Consumption of the Loyal Population of Twins Territory

Chicago, USA

The newly independent state of Twins Territory has begun their campaign to bring the message of unity, equality and sideburned-based socialist paradises to the masses of Americans who still live in ignorance of their shackled existence.

Minister of Excitement Ricky Nolasco has proclaimed an Opening Day for all of Twins Territory and the adjacent lands, should they accept the greatness of baseball in their hearts. "Baseball's Awesome!!" Tweeted Minister Nolasco, "So pumped to be pitching for the glory of Twins Territory!!!"

The benevolence of Twins Territory's leaders will soon be on display for all America to see, beginning in the grim, dystopian hellscape known as Chicago. The great unwashed of the windblown city will be privileged to behold the glory of our marvelous leader Chairman Mauer, and his assorted Nine Stars of Excellence who take the field at his side every day. They might not always be the same stars, but they will immediately become stars simply by standing in proximity to the great and glorious leader.

First amongst the firmament of excellence today will be Minister Nolasco, who was drawn to Twins Territory for its lush green spaces and perfect temperatures as well as the chance to reform our world in a more perfect, Twins-like image. While his powers on the field of battle are prodigious, they are secondary to his powerful excitement and enthusiasm.

"Everybody's so great! And I know that with hard work and determination we will conquer the realms of the unbelievers and bring about the glorious morning of revolution in the hearts of even the dissolute and despairing! Also, there will be hotdogs!!!"

Added Minister Nolasco: "AWESOME!!!"

Chairman Mau-er Conquers First Base

Supreme Chairman Mauer Conquers First Base

"All is...uh...good" Glorious Leader Announces

Fort Kelly, TT

Following our secession from the United States of America last October the wonderful nation of Twins Territory has been savoring the sweet nectar of freedom bestowed upon us by our one and only glorious leader: Joeseph Mauer.

While the Supreme Chairman surprised many by announcing his transition from the position of "Catcher of All Furious Projectiles That Endanger Our Safety" to "First Guardian Against Infiltrating Base Runners", the change has been an unequivocal success.

"Our enemies may claim that I am a, uh, you know...tyrant," reported his eminence from the southern military strong hold where he is leading training drills. "But, Twins Territory is proud to be a democracy where all those selected to shoulder the burdensome honor of leadership can, ummmm, select those who are best for our nation, and stuff."

Our marvelous minister of all things good and decent has continued his reign of beneficence and generosity by sharing his knowledge with the heirs to his title while simultaneously adapting to his new position of prominence on the basepaths. Reported Field Marshal Gardenhire, "he's learning a lot out there, you know with [Field Marshal Emeritus] TK and [Chief Instructor of Scrapitude] Paul-ie and [Grand Poobah of Pabst Blue Ribbon] Hrbie. It's gonna be real good."

Some of the embittered and jaded citizens of Twins Territory may claim that this is merely propaganda for the regime, such criticism is unwarranted and merely serves to comfort our rivals. Should you know of anyone who doubts the power of our Premier Potentate, you need only direct their gaze to the glory of his regal visage, shining like a beacon of safety and security.

As Supereme Chairman Mauer has himself said, "All is...uh...good, you know. I feel pretty good, and you know, all glory to the citizens of Twins Territory."