Go Crazy folks...or preferably, don't.

Okay, this is the craziest half inning of baseball I've ever seen.

In case you cannot watch this game, but do have the internet allow me to explain.

Span was hit by a pitch.

An umpire was bit by an imp.

This umpire decided that since Span looked like he was going to bunt, and bunting is evil, and Span has a Lincoln-esque beard, that Span, unlike every other baseball player should not go to first base.

Therefore Ron Gardenhire came out to tell the umpire a lovely bunt cake recipe.

The umpire also hates bunt cake, because once Abraham Lincoln bunted a bunt cake at him. So he kicked out Gardy.

Furious, Gardy's rosy cheeks turned even rosier. He announced:

 "adfjrygpoqw09784lkjgh!!" and his happy pointy hat happened to fall off his head so he tried to kick it back on top of his head, but only Chelsea Midfielder Michael Essien can do that.

So, Twins fans, emulating the ever popular Garden Gnome also attempted to kick it back on top of their heads...but again, only Ghanian soccer superstar Michael Essien can do that.

When umpires told Twins fans to stop trying to be like Michael "The Bison" Essien, because it, "is like, so lame to like soccer" Twins fans decided they would behave like Soccer hooligans instead.

Ozzie Guillen, knowing how crazy soccer matches get, (especially when it involves crazy gorilla dictator Hugo Chavez) pulled his players from the field and then nearly headbutted a butthead of a bald guy who seemed to take issue with Ozzie breathing air.

Finally, everyone took a deep breath, tried a sun salutation move, counted to five and decided to play ball again.

Joe hit a ball of Cabrera's glove and we tied it.

Morneau hit a fielder's choice...just because too many home runs make him seem like a White Sock

Delmon was hit by a pitch.

Twins GM Bill Smith traded a decent dentist to England for Ghanian soccer superstar and Chelsea Midfielder Michael "The Bison" Essien, presumably only because he is so freaking cool. (I mean look at that Getty Pictures Image up there...can you do that Jermaine Dye? Jim Thome? of course not, you are fat lazy asses who do not run, you only trot.)

The Subway "Hit it Here" sign was hit by a pitch Jason Kubel crushed to give us the lead.

Brendan Harris and the umpire were hit by THE SAME PITCH.

And finally, Adam Everett did what he did best, pop out. 

All in all an eventful inning. Kristina gets her wish and Gardy screamed. My mom gets her wish and the Twins get the lead (gratefully by three runs given the two run shot Jermaine Dye just hit). I get my wish and we pull of a crazy trade for a great athlete...unfortunately he has never seen a baseball game...but I'm sure it will work out.

New Strategy

Okay, new strategy. I'm going to log in to blog about my disappointment at the Twins offense.

Every time I do this we start hitting...like Morneau's 3 run Home Run and Delmon's Supractionized double (He just yelled "KAZAAM!" at Josh Fields...and my mother thinks that Carlos Gomez's screaming roughly translates as F*ing A!)

We'll see how my sporadic use of the internet influences 9 men's hitting prowess...I'm sure it's critical.

Potentially Not Good.

Well now. This is interesting.

4 Trades we should make

As tonight's game has progressed, and things looked bleak (until a couple innings ago) I decided to think about other things...like how the Twins can make the team better with the Trade deadline less than 48 hours away. 

(Though before I do that: is it just me or does White Sox pitcher Clayton Richard looks like the guy in Middle School who loved to point out that hotdogs and oranges looked like genitalia?)

Here are some humble suggestions for Twins GM Bill Smith:

1. Adam Everett (SS) for Latroy Hawkins (RP): Latroy's in New York, and not happy (raise your hand if you're surprised...didn't think so). The Yankees seem to be eternally in need of middle infielders and we don't need Adam Everett any more...deal done.
2. Mike Lamb (3B) for Evan Longoria (3B): The Rays are in contention for the playoffs and could sorely use some veteran leadership, this Longoria kid can't be this awesome much longer...I'm guessing one maybe two days. Come on Tampa, we like Delmon and Brendan...give us this one too, we'll be your friends....see I'm already sweetening the deal.
3. Boof Bonser (SP) for Johan Santana (SP): Johan's in New York and not terribly happy (though oodles of dollars make his suffering easier to bear). You've got to think that he'll be happier and pitch better in a place where everyone loves him, and Boof can be a starter again...AND...he doesn't pitch differently depending on whether or not he get's booed (just say they're saying: "BOOOOOOOOf")
4. Magic Beans for Manny Ramirez (RF/DH): Okay, so we get Red Sox GM Theo Epstein really, really drunk. And we remind him how we raise great players whom we gladly trade to Boston--David Ortiz, Kevin Garnett, etc. Then, as Epstein is staggering around with a lampshade on his head talking about the gnomes nibbling at his toes, we "come to his rescue" and tell him about how well "Magic Beans" has been playing in the minors. "Magic Beans" is great, phenomenal, fantastic, and boy we sure shouldn't trade him. Then, as Epstein blearily blinks and offers us his first born child for "Magic Beans" tell him we'll settle for Ramirez. IT CAN'T FAIL!!

Mr. Smith, I await your decision

Know Thine Enemy #10: The Chicago White Sox

Apologies for the lateness of this entry, but I can make up for it:

Reasons to crush the White Sox like a beverage can against our forehead:

1. Punks: It's hard to put a finger on precisely, but there's something immensely unlikable about the White Sox. Abundant derisive nicknames for them pepper fans vocabulary (B**ch-Sox, Stink-Sox, or, as Bob Ueker says: "The Pale Hosers from the Windy City".) They're always there, right ahead of or right behind us. Taunting, teasing, and just generally being wank-jobs. Justify the nicknames, whoop 'em. *25 Loathing Points*
2. Lazy asses: The Twins play hard, grind it out, run around the bases put on special plays, use defense to pick their pitchers and no one from one through nine slacks off. The White Sox strategy seems to involve waiting around for Jermaine Dye, Jim Thome or Carlos Quentin to hit the ball a very long way. (They have hit 70 more home runs than the Twins, but scored only 3 more runs) Tough it out punks, try to run a little bit, it's good exercise for your fat-asses. *70 Loathing Points*
3. The title: Over the last 7 years, the American League Central has been fun, intense competition between good teams with excellent players who work hard without the fame or fortune of other, less talented teams (I'm looking at you Dodgers). And for those 7 years the Twins have more wins and fewer losses than any other team. With 4 division titles...but the only team from the Central to win the World Series...the White Sox...bitter, yes...vindictive, you bet...valid reason for a beat down, absolutely. *30 Loathing Points*
4. Violence: While we here at Peanuts From Heaven encourage smack downs on opposing team, we do not encourage, endorse or other wise engage in actual violent behavior (our careers as assassins rely on subtlety). This is not an opinion shared by ChiSox fans, who have at various times, attacked umpires and nearly destroyed their own home stadium. *66 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should use a basic can crushing implement to appropriately prepare the White Sox for disposal:

1. I owe them: This is purely personal. The White Sox employed me for a summer. They kept baseball in my home town. I helped Major league White Sox Brian Anderson and Boone Logan during their first season as professionals (mostly to know where food was cheap in Montana). I met Kenny Williams (nice guy, good with kids). Hard to hate guys you know (so when they are all fired, traded or retired, I'll be more able to hate them). *-40 Loathing Points*
2. Ozzie Guillen: While you can loathe the White Sox, and everything they stand for, it's hard not to like coach Ozzie Guillen. The guy gives the Twins credit, compliments Gardenhire and gives our players nicknames. Give the man a casserole dish and a Gomez t-shirt and he could be happy in the cheap seats. *-35 Loathing points*
3. AJ Pierzinsky: Yes, he is a tool. A jerk and a punk. He is the embodiment of the White Sox...he is also the embodiment of the Twins so many of us came to love, scrappy, dedicated and undeniably talented. *-25 Loathing Points*

Final Loath-o-Meter Rating: 91 Loathing Points

Also Known As: the Media's obsession with Brett Favre.

ASDLKFJQ@#L$KJ!@#$KLZDJ!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this pic from MLB.com pretty much sums up my feelings about our upcoming series against the Bitch-Sox:

I think that if things don't go our way, we should yell a lot. And point a lot. Maybe if things do go our way, we should do it anyways just for the hell of it. If Delmon Young is the master of Supraction(TM) then Gardy is the master of its opposite: yelling. Supraction as all about subtlety and grace, and "Hey what the f*** just happened?!" Yelling is more about getting all up in a bitches face and making your opinion known. Which is what Gardy is s good at, and also what gets him ejected from a fair number of games.

If nothing else, I hope Gardy yells a lot in the next four days. And if we win and pass up the Bitch Sox, that would be cool too.

Piranhas V. 2.0

It was a sad day in Cleveland, sure the sun was shining, sure there was a lot more food available now that Livan Hernandez has gone kosher, but the Indians pitcher had contained Twins hitters and left the whole team moping in the dugout.

"This sucks!" said Brendan Harris

"This really sucks!" said Denard Span

"This sucks worse than Space Chimps!" said Alexi Casilla.

"You saw that?" asked Harris

"It's the only thing that Gogo and I could get into...everybody thinks we've got fake id's."

"We need a rally..." said 

"WE NEED PIRANHAS!" said Nick Punto

"But all the old Piranhas are gone," said Mike Redmond, "I mean, we're down from three Jason's to one!"

"But look around," said Nicky P. "Brendan could be a piranha, Denard could be a piranha, Alexi and Gogo practically personified Piranha-dom while I was on the DL. We just need something to get started."

"What if we were something more than Piranha's?" asked Craig Monroe, recently returned from another unexplained trip into the forest.

"Uh...Craig," said Nicky P.

"What if instead of being Piranhas we were Squirrels!"

"Why would we do that? Piranhas are fierce and Squirrels are just..."

"We'd be fast and nimble and we could eat all nuts we could get our hands on!!"

"Craig that sounds really--"

"Squirrels ATTACK!!!"

And so Craig Monroe ran to the batter's box, broke up the perfect game with a double, and scored on a series of softly hit ground balls. Sure it was Justin Morneau's double that won the game, sure Nick Blackburn worked his way out of innumerable jams. But Craig Monroe is so rarely seen and mocked...that this was a necessary post.