GAAAH!

Last night, your heavenly/diabolic peanuts/co-authors were out for a movie and a drink or two.

At this time we discussed the crappiness of the West coast. The fact that games don't start until 9, and after getting up at 6 or so for work we're so tired that we can't make it past 10:30 or 11 o'clock. Which means we can't see certain things, like bullpen implosions, or the fiery-eyed Joe Nathan who fired a throw past Brendan Harris to let two runs score.

We missed this. Why? Not because we don't love the Twins, but because the West Coast is evil. It sucks the will and brilliance out of our boys, and for this must be left in ashes...like Atlanta or Pheonix...uh...I mean A Pheonix...yeah...that's it...I have no plans to burn down the city of Pheonix, Arizona...no plans at all...

Anyway...my nefarious resemblance to George Sherman aside, the Twins are almost done with this stinktastic road trip, and a win today paired with a beatdown of the Blue Jays in the Great White North should help us get our groove back. Until then we will be happy to cheer for todays game and throw down with our next batch of enemies as thoroughly as ever.

So if you don't like that we haven't written in a while just remember. Don't blame us. Blame the shifting tectonic plates that created a western coast of the North American continent.

Phew...

I was at work, worrying about how the Twins would do.

Then I was working out, watching a rather blase first inning.

Then I came out of the shower, and we had a one run lead.

An hour or so later, after a seemingly interminable bus ride (note to self...never ride rush hour bus again) I arrived at my grandparents house to find us trailing by a run.

Morneau doubles, Randy "Poppa Bear" Ruiz singles, "Mountain Man" Jason Kubel knocks in Morneau, then Brian "Inconsequential Since San Diego" Buscher knocked in two pinch runners to give us the lead.

My grandpa and I were happy.

Until...

our bullpen started sucking again. I mean, I love you Eddie, but back to back doubles? Not reassuring.

Fortunately Denard's is offering a sale on hoses. Yes! Hoses!! The kind that shoot out of right fielder's arms and make over powering throws that douse rallies in seconds! Get your hose for only $2. PLUS, Denard's is offering chain link fences from Redmond's Home Plate Security. Stop those pesky runners in their tracks and do it all in Ol' Man Redmond Style. 

Once again, we here at Peanuts from Heaven Inc. urge everyone to:  SAVE BIG MONEY AT DENARD'S!

Auussie, Aussie, Aussie!

GO A-WAY!

I'm sorry, but you see...I've had extensive experience with Australians the last few years. My boss was Australian, and he called me: "A ripe shite in the arsehole of the world." I had Australian students who, when asked what their favorite part of class was, replied: "when you were silent!"

Don't get me wrong, I like the jokes, and I like my Aussie "mates", but it was a little frustrating. And so, when I found out that Seattle's starting pitcher tonight, one Ryan Rowland-Smith, is actually Australian, I had one reaction--and one reaction only.

Mr. Rowland-Smith: please, please, please, take your suddenly good pitching, and Adrian Beltre's suddenly good bat, and all your dirty rotten Starbucks-sucking, flannel-wearing, body-odor-reeking, nappy-goatee-having...(wait, scratch that one), crazy-ass-train-whistle-at-the-stadium-blowing teammates back to the Matilda-waltzing, Kelly-Gang-Worshipping, Mel-Gibson-producing, didgeriedoo-doodling, barren-cultural wasteland of a native land.

Either that...or lose. You did a nice job giving up two runs a minute ago...but you still need to remove Mr. Beltre. I will withhold further judgement on your decency as a human being until the game ends.

Piggyback reporting...

Following on after K's brilliant analyses of our new trade for Everyday Eddie (I wholeheartedly endorse any game that involves mocking/bemusedly indulging one of our players), we must add that, in order to have Eddie in the pen, the Twins have to let Mike Lamb go. Peanuts from Heaven Inc. can now exclusively report the final minutes that "The Grizzled Prospector", Mike Lamb, spent as a member of the Twins organization.

After giving the rally monkey one final finger of disgust, the Twins players walked out of the stadium in Los Angeles or Anaheim or Mars or wherever the heck they were.

MORNEAU: Dang! I really thought we could get 3 out of 4!

MAUER: Darn! I really thought we would show that stupid Rally Monkey who's boss.

LAMB: Dag Nabbit! I really thought you fellers would let me get some playing time!!

ALL: [Sigh]

LAMB: Watch'all sighin' fer? Did another possum get away? D'yall wan' me ta cook ya up some rattlesnake vittles?

MAUER: No, Mike...no...we just thought you weren't...

LAMB: Weren't wha?

MORNEAU: Weren't going to make it up to Seattle with us.

LAMB: Shucks fellers, no need to fret...I jes' lovvvvvve Seattle! I get hits there that make me so gosh durn happy I jes' gotta dance!!!

ALL: [As Lamb begins to dance and blither incoherently] No...Mike...don't...

GARDY: Say Mike, how would you like to take a special route to Seattle?

LAMB: Hee-gee-heeee-hee-gee-heeee-hee-gee-WHAAAAAA?!

GARDY: I thought you might like to ride in my car...past some really great farms up state. Places you can run, and play...

ALL: And Dance

GARDY: As much as you want.

LAMB: Gorsh! Sign me up!! I'd do anything to get back on that dusty trail with you there skipper!

GARDY: Yeah...that's...great.

***LATER***

GARDY: Mike...Mike...Mike...please stop sticking your head out of the window.

LAMB: But it's fun! 'Sides, all the mayflies I'm a eatin' are good protein!

GARDY: Great-HEY! Look! Here's one of those fields

LAMB: Whoop-dee-whee-hee-hoohoohoooey!! 

[The car door opens and Lamb leaps out of it dancing about, giggling, and continuing his inane babble, Gardy looks out the window, smiles, sighs at all the lost jokes that I will never get to

 make at Mike Lamb's expense, then smiles at the fact that we don't have to endure his erratic offense, defense and facial hair, flattens the accelerator and zooms off towards Seattle. Lamb continues dancing/blathering to his little heart's content until he finds a whiskey spring and starts to wash himself in Jack Daniels.]

Waxing Nostalgic

OMG!!!!
When I went to Twins games back in college, my friend Dave and I made our own fun in the 9th inning by counting the number of times Eddie Guardado touched his balls (not baseballs. The other ones). I think we once reached 50.

Now, a whole new generation of Twins fans will get to discover this joyous pastime, and people like me can relive the fun!

Conspiracy Theory part Deux

Peanuts from Heaven operatives have learned the following shocking secret:

Yesterday, before the rest of the team arrived, ex-Twins outfielder Torii Hunter was discovered by Right Fielder/Torii-Hunter-in-Training Denard Span in the Twins clubhouse. Hunter was curled in the fetal position with the big screen tv fizzling and his special "I Heart the Twins" blanket clutched in his right hand.

"Torii...?" Denard asked softly, shaking Hunter gently by the shoulder.

"uhnh, nhuhn, NO LOCKE DON'T TRUST BEN LINUS!! Oh...uh...hey Denard."

"Torii, what are you doing here?"

"I was watching Lost again."

"How long have you been here?"

"I came down here after y'all left. I kinda wanted to see if Nicky P. would give me a little cash for missing that catch."

"Did you do that on purpose?"

"Not on purpose. But...I mean...when I was running for it, I thought about the old days when Nicky P and I would run through the fields of Minnesota, laughing, skipping, jumping about and whatnot. Then I leapt and thought about how I taught you to jump any time you could...just because it feels good y'know?"

"Is that my teddy bear boo-boo?"

"I GAVE HIM TO YOU!! You've got to share Denard!! I can still teach you so much young paduwan..."

"Torii..."

"Always swing away on 3-1, there's no downside!"

"Torii..."

"Sawyer's not really a big jerk, he just acts that way to keep Kate interested in him!"

"Torii..."

"BANANAS ARE A GOOD SOURCE OF POTASSIUM!!"

"TORII! It's okay man...you're always going to be a Twin...you're always going to be my sensei...you're always going to be someone we love. We know you've got a new team, and sometimes seeing old loves is hard...but whether we win or lose these games, we'll always love seeing you."

Torii smiled then, his trademark beaming grin looking into the face of his protege, all grown up...

"Shane Loux's slider sucks."

"Okay, Torii, I'll look out for it."

"Wanna watch another Episode?!"

"Sure Torii...sure..."

Conspiracy Theory

I refer you to #1 in Smelly's "Reasons we should rain down polite critiques and subtle suggestions on the Angels, like Enid the Goddess of Passive Agressive Behavior" explaination.

Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, as he missed a game-deciding catch, that Torii hunter looked over at little Nicky Punto, said "....oopsie!" and then gave him a big wink?

...no. Of course it isn't possible. He just missed the catch. But hey, a girl can dream right?