A Game of Cold Weather and Hot Stoves Part III

Lately I've enjoyed toying with the idea of Game of Thrones mastermind George RR Martin would write about key events in the baseball offseason. With the Twins more or less moribund this time of year, it's the best way I can think of to be writing and giggling to myself. (More of the same are available at the sporting outpost Simon and I have set up [http://mackenzielowbudgetsports.tumblr.com/] including the Robinson Cano/Jay-Z Fanfic you've all be waiting for)

This week, George RR Martin writes the Masahiro Tanaka signing

The flickering of the fire off the pin-stripe cloaks armor was inspiring. It glittered and danced most dangerously, reminding all assembled for the royal audience that the king was both wealthy and powerful...and surrounded by a bunch of guys who could kill you just as soon as look at you.

But something made Ser Ivyn uneasy. He had been raised for this, a younger son of an average house he had no claim to property or title, and knew that his only way to survive in this world was to become handy with a sword and set of daggers, learning to hurl and spin them with deadly accuracy, leaving all those under his charge well guarded from the unwashed masses of humanity that hurl insults and feces with equal relish. 

His focus and dedication led him to the highest court in the land, at Yank's Landing, and earned him the noble title of Ser like many of his boyhood heroes: Ser Myke the Wise, Ser Andrew the Unaging, and Ser Rouger the One with Bacne and an Attitude Problem. Ser Ivyn was proud of all he had done, but, still uneasy.

After all, the recent unrest around Yank's Landing had made the King unpredictable, seeking far and wide for sellswords to add to the King's Guard. Some had made themselves invaluable, like Ser SeeSea, but all too often the king ignored the long nurtured, doubtlessly loyal knights (Ser Filip or Ser Jabba), leaving Ser Ivyn forever uncertain about his own future. 

Now there was a special welcome for Ser Teneka, who had been specially sailed across the wide and roaring seas to Yank's Landing. So great was the threat of the insurgents around him that the King sought out the greatest knights in all the world to protect him. And yet, thought Ser Ivyn, how long could you trust a sellsword to remain true? What was to prevent him from turning against you, as Roby had done just months before, vowing that he would be the King in his own way and galloping away with Ser Hova at his side.

There was danger afoot, and Ser Ivyn was uneasy. 

Let me talk about that some more for about 40 more pages without any other events actually happening...

A-Rod's Latest Venture

Last Week, NPRs Comedy/News/Quiz show "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" offered this final question: "Now that he's banned from baseball for a year, what will Alex Rodriguez do next?" While I am by no means a PJ O'Rourke, Luke Burbank or Faith Sailey, this is my answer:

Twi-Night

Volume 1 of "The Magical Game Saga" by Alex Rodriguez 

author of Out of The Ballpark

***

The following galley excerpt reflects the tone of Alex's authorial voice as he goes where pretty much every celebrity goes during their down time these days--into the highly lucrative world of fantasy/paranomal romance/adventure

***

Jessica's chest heaved as she beheld the gleaming, muscular chestnut bodies of the mighty stallions standing before her. Because, chicks dig horses...d'uh.

But these were no normal horses, they were stronger, more powerful and more exquisite than any horse breed Jessica had seen before. And atop each beautiful equine frame was the rippling muscles of a finely defined torso, with human arms and a human face. Because, chicks dig dudes more than horses...double d'uh.

Anyway, Jessica Cameron's eyes beheld these centaurs as they played the greatest, sexiest game ever: Baseball. And they played it, majestically, marvelously, with a grace and flair that had never been seen by human eyes before. And her eyes landed on one centaur in particular, that incredibly handsome boy next door, Alex. The one whose very presence in the hallways made the girls swoon, and Cameron Kate in particular go all weak in the knees.

He turned and saw her. Kate's heart skipped a beat. She turned to run back through the forest, terrified that they would charge her, threaten her, banish her from their beautiful presence forever. But as she ran through the stand of trees she heard the swift clatter of hooves behind her. Without daring to look back, she plunged ahead, until a scattering of leaves on the forest floor made her stop short to see that Alex had out run her...because he had the legs and strength of a horse...so he was like, super fast and stuff.

"You shouldn't have come," Alex said.

"I'm sorry," Kate Torrie muttered, "I just wanted--"

"It's okay, I'm glad you did," Alex told her, "we need your help."

"What?" She asked, her eyes glowing up at him, revering his muscles and beauty like the man-horse-god he truly was.

"Our way of life is threatened, Torrie Fill-in-blank-with-Current-Girlfriends-Name-Here. We Centaurs are a noble race. All we want to do is show humanity the full limits of their potential. We survive and thrive on a special delicacy of the forests, known as the Gummi Bears."

"Gummi Bears?"

"Bouncing here and there, and everywhere. Yes. They are the Gummi Bears. But the wicked troll king of our forest, named Se-lug, has banned all mystical creatures from eating Gummies, even though we totally didn't eat them, but if we did they only helped us reach our best, and who is he to judge anyway, he made millions of dollars off us before, but I don't care, I'm totally above it all, so, whatever you know."

"Totally," she said.

They were in love.

***Twi-Night will--God willing-never be available ever***

Best. Present. Ever.

5 years ago, I got a special birthday present from my fellow Twins blogger and long time friend: tickets to Twins Fest at the Metrodome. I was pretty darned pumped to go, both because it was Twins fest and because I had a serious crush on her.

The Twins had just completed a surprisingly effective 2008 campaign and we had every reason for optimism going into 2009, and all kinds of excitement for the impending move to Target Field in just one year. We went. We met Gardy. We found out the Jesse Crain is a heckuva nice guy and we perused all kinds of various kiosks hocking a wide array of baseball paraphernalia.

At one of those stalls a vendor implied that my friend out to get me something. Not because we said it was my birthday celebration, but because he thought we were a couple.

We both laughed a little awkwardly and randomly changed the subject. I laughed awkwardly because, like I said, I was sweet on her. I didn't realize that her having the same reaction could well mean that she had the same feelings for me.

Fortunately, she was able to piece those two thoughts together. A few weeks later, thanks to her, we had "the talk". A few days after that we actually went on some honest to goodness "dates", and before long we realized there was no need to worry about scheduling the next date.

5 years later, we still care for each other, we still care about the Twins, and while we haven't been back to Twins Fest, it is where I got the best present ever.

Enjoy Twins fest, you never know what kind of great things you'll find there.

The Ken Burns Test

In one week, the Hall of Fame will announce who (if anyone) was elected to Cooperstown. There are a privileged few who get to vote for those hallowed halls, but just because most bloggers don't have a say, doesn't mean we can't use our blogs to have a say about literally everything else, including silly little exercises in analyzing Hall of Fame voting.

Last year I offered an economist's sense of how to vote in order to maximize your ballot. This year, as I continue to avoid numbers at all costs, I offer a simpler eye test, or rather a simpler eye and ear test. Theoretically, a Hall of Famer should be a player so exceptional or transcendent that we want to remember them for years to come. Film director Ken Burns has shown many such exceptional/transcendent players in his epic 11 part, 22 hour saga of the game's history. So, theoretically, if a player and their accomplishments sound impressive in Ken Burns black and white tones with tinkling patriotic music and a rich baritone voice over, the player is worthy of consideration.

And so I present: The Ken Burns Test.


Based on that little exercise I feel like I'd be voting for Bonds, Clemens (grudgingly), Maddux, Piazza, Bagwell, Biggio, Mussina, Schilling and Morris (irrationally), which leaves one spot open for the underrepresented--even by me--Tim Raines.

Who would get your vote? Leave a note in the comments below

The Twins' New Year's Resolutions

It's been a while since our last post (blahblahblah job, blahblahblah earning salary, blahblahblah spending holiday time with friends and loved ones). But we're back with a very special post as we consider the 2014 resolutions of your Minnesota Twins.

Joe Mauer
Baseball Resolution: Hit like a boss now that defense doesn't crush my legs.
Life Resolution: Be hospitable while hosting my fellow all-stars this summer, maybe even say multi-syllabic words to them!


Brian Dozer

Baseball Resolution: Prove that hitting outburst last year was no fluke.
Life Resolution: Find out how Joe got that Head and Shoulder's commercial and send them my audition tape.


Trevor Plouffe
Baseball Resolution: Throw the ball to the big tall guy at first base as often as possible.
Life Resolution: Repeat life affirming mantra ("I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me") whenever fans make frowny faces at me.


Josh Willingham
Baseball Resolution: Get healthy. Get 30+ homers again. Get the hell out of here.
Life Resolution: See above.


Oswaldo Arcia
Baseball Resolution: Hit many more of those mammoth home runs.
Life Resolution: Build a time machine so I can see those mammoths run home.


Jason Kubel
Baseball Resolution: Rebuild career amongst my people.
Life Resolution: Attempt to smirk with the other side of my mouth.


Josmil Pinto
Baseball Resolution: Improve defensively by listening closely to my veteran catcher and veteran pitchers
Life Resolution: Improve my teammates by teaching them the harmonies to the entire Mumford & Sons catalogue through my walk up music.


Ricky Nolasco
Baseball Resolution: BE AWESOME!!!!!!!
Life Resolution: !!!!!!!!


Caleb Thielbar
Baseball Resolution: Keep being a badass left-hander
Life Resolution: Keep percentages in my favor by brainwashing every hitter to be left handed.



Phil Hughes
Baseball Resolution: Use new stadium to keep home run rates down, try to boost strike out rate.
Life Resolution: Every time I think about mean Yankee fans, just remember I've gone somewhere so far away that they'll forget I've ever existed...until we play a game in the Bronx...then drink heavily.

Jared Burton
Baseball Resolution: Continue to solidify the back of the bullpen.
Life Resolution: Popularize neck beards again.

Kevin Correia
Baseball Resolution: Keep doing what I'm doing, even if I've been demoted from staff ace to staff #3...again...
Life Resolution: Keep my arm attached to my shoulder.

Glen Perkins
Baseball Resolution: Get another All-Star Game spot by racking up the saves...assuming we have games that need saving.
Life Resolution: Keep telling truth to power [hitters]. (And by tell truth I mean talk trash/throw sliders)

Ron Gardenhire
Baseball Resolution: Rebuild the team so it's in good shape for the next guy
Life Resolution: Use word a day calendar to improve nicknames for the boys. Instead of "Plouffe-y" maybe, Penultimate Plouffe-Dog?

What are your New Year's Resolutions Twins Fans?

A Winter Meeting's Guide to Twinsey World

Monday marks the kickoff of the Winter Meetings in Orlando, Florida (aka: a convenient holiday for baseball executives and their families).

Naturally, as the Twins do their part at the Winter Meetings for the next four days, they may make time to have a little fun in the Happiest Place on Earth That is Also a Festering Swamp. But the attractions they see may have extra ramifications on their plans for the next four days. Here we present the possible outcomes of how what they see and could manifest themselves in baseball moves. (From least likely to most likely


Ride: It's a Small World--If there are any little kids along side Twins execs, they may decide to go into Mattel's amazing wonderland of creepy dolls for other nationalities.
Result: BLOW IT UP!--Obviously, standing in the epic line, in the middle of Florida heat, only to sit on a thing for fifteen minutes worth of nauseating jerky motion and the world's nastiest ear worm of a song is going to drive any reasonable person insane. As a result we end up with the bizarre blow up our roster set moves including 

• Trading Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins, Miguel Sano, Byron Buxton and the Pentair Sustainable Water Solutions System for the Teseract and access to a super species of baseball players in another dimension
• Punching Ricky Nolasco and Phil Hughes turning their signings into a gigantic, evil prank
• Signing Trevor Plouffe to a 20 year 400 Million dollar contract

If you see any Twins execs around the "It's a Small World Ride" save them, for god's sake, save them.

Ride: Tower of Terror--The stomach-drop-inducing seven story fall is a favorite for thrill seekers...not exactly the most common adjective used to describe the Twins brain trust is it?
Result: Major Trade/signing--Flush with the giddy thrill of some free agent signing success they might just decide to double down on the whole experience and drop some more and throw caution to the win by bringing in Shin Soo-Choo, Matt Garza and/or Carlos Beltran.

Ride: Japan Booth at Epcot Center--This isn't so much a ride as it as pleasant and satisfying experience for people interested in a little culture, knowledge and family bonding. (That does sound like a Twins outing
Result: Make a bid for Masahiro Tanaka--The Twins are big on understanding players and reaching out to them, so maybe they think a little background research will be an added perk to a bid for Tanaka. Of course, first Japan has to approve baseball's new system, then the Twins have to win or tie the bid process, and finally Tanaka has to consider talking to the Twins about anything other than "what's the Yankee's number again?"


Ride: Pirates of the Carribbean--A Disney World landmark and must-see stop on the tourist trail can churn out happy patrons who are only mildly unnerved by the slowly gyrating animatronic pirates.
Result: Minor trade/signing--Did someone say "mildly unnerved by slowly gyrating animatronic" somethings? Sounds like an aging back up catcher to me!! (John Buck? JP Arrencibia? Yorvit Torrealba?) Also, did someone say "churn out happy patrons"? Maybe we're due a minor swap of prospects, or at least a Rule 5 draft pick!

Ride: Wonder why there's only Teri license plates in the gift shop--Honestly, the Twins probably are going to be focused on the baseball side of business. If Terry Ryan does anything, it may just be stopping by the gift shop for a memento only to find that all the playful license plates read "Teri" and "Bort".
Result: Nothing--Every year I predict that nothing much will really happen at the Winter Meetings. And this year I'll hold to that more than ever. They've signed two free agents. They've dropped more money on the market than ever before. If the Twins do anything beyond kick the tires and chew the fat, it might well be a big surprise.

Ricky "Human Exclamation Mark" Nolasco

News broke yesterday that former Marlins/Dodgers pitcher, Ricky Nolasco will be signing with the Twins (reportedly for a four/five year deal worth between 49 and 62 Million dollars).

There are many things to consider in this signing: the sudden acquisition of a (relative) strike out artist for a "pitch-to-contact" team; the commitment through 2018 (making Nolasco one of only 3 Twins guaranteed that long a deal); the degree of responsibility and position of "leader" foisted on a player who has only recently tasted meaningful baseball; the question of whether or not this will make any real difference to a team with so many pitching questions. But rather than ponder any of those things, we at Peanuts from Heaven will do what we do best: bring up something stupid and pretend it's important.

 

Consider, if you will, Ricky Nolasco's twitter feed (my brother pointed the change in logo to me as proof that he was in fact coming here). 

It is no stretch of the imagination to say that Nolasco's twitter feed makes ample use of the exclamation mark (19 in 6 posts, plus two more just for "LA"). A device that some writers of the English language use to show "excitement, vehement commands or emphasize the intensity of an emotion." Or, as we refer to that in Minnesota, "going crazy".

There have been very few Twins players or even fans in recent years, who could be accused of being either excited, vehement, or even having an intense emotion of any kind. So naturally we wonder, what Ricky Nolasco's first few days as a Twin will be like.

**Dream Sequence**

Ricky Nolasco sits at a pressconference table with Terry Ryan, Ron Gardenhire and (face of the franchise) Joe Mauer

Ryan: We are very proud to introduce Ricky Nolasco as the newest Minnesota Twin [polite applause from assembled reporters].

Nolasco: YEAH!! What's up TWIN CITIES?!?!?!!!!

Reporter: Ricky, how do you feel about joining the Twins?

Nolasco: Amazing!!! Obviously! I get to be in the land of 10,000 Lakes!! That's 9,999 more than LA could offer!!!

Reporter: Do you feel any pressure because of your contract?

Nolasco: Sure!! But I can do it!!!! We've got a tremendous group of guys here, including one of the greatest hitters of all time in Joe Mauer!!! I'm so pumped to play with you Joe!!!

Mauer: Thanks, Ricky. I'm...ummm...really excited to play with you too...you know?

Nolasco: And I get to be coached by a former manager of the year!!! That's awesome!! Nothing against Don Mattingly or Mike Redmond, but, c'mon!!! This is Ron Freaking Gardenhire!!!

Gardy: Thanks Ricky-y...'preciate that.

Nolasco: It's gonna be amazeballs, you guys!!! I know you've had some hard times, but there are some total badasses coming up from the minors!! It'll be great to see them mature! And I'm so grateful that management trusts me to be a leader on a team destined for greatness!!!!

Ryan: Easy, Ricky, let's not get too riled up just yet.

Nolasco: What do you mean!!!?! This is just how I talk!!!

Gardy: We normally try to be very calm and level headed whenever we can.

Nolasco: Oh, for sure, Skip!! Being level-headed is the BEST!!!

Mauer: What about, you know...polite, non-offensive, mutterings about trying hard and...ummm...stuff.

Nolasco: Sure, Joe! I'll try anything!! Why don't you try an exclamation!?!?!

Mauer: What would I exclaim about?

Nolasco: Anything!! Anything that makes your life great!! Your wife! Your kids!! Your job!!! 

Mauer: Wild Rice Soup!

Nolasco: OH MY GOD!! YOU GUYS HAVE WILD RICE SOUP!!?!?

*And....Scene....*

Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory. Or, should we say: Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory!!!!