Up and Down

And just as hope was returning to the land, a tough kid from the wrong side of the tracks turned up, clubbed three hits, made poor Dr. Cakeburn cry and ruined our trip to Detroit. (Then again, it is Detroit--just going there ruins your trip (badum-ching!))

You Miguel Cabrera are a poopy-face, a big, fat, home-run-hitting, poopy-face!!

I hope there are no poopy-faces in Baltimore.

Undercover Nerd

Stinky and I have discussed the Twins problems, the fact that we are not doing the hitting the way we should, the fact that our starting pitchers (or at least, 2-4/5ths of them) are not pitching the way we normally do. We do not like to press the panic button, but when we have as many chances as we had last night, and we still fail to win...well...we feel not so good.

But there is this. At the start of the year we identified the Rays as the geeks who make good. Overlooked picked upon, and at the end of the season, ahead of you in the standings. But I sincerely believe that no geek, NONE, should be able to hit the ball as far as Carlos Pena hit Dickey's pitch in the 8th. Which leads us to only one conclusion:

Carlos Pena is an UNDERCOVER NERD

The Geek shall inherit the Earth.

In your face other cultures!!

I will admit, I had a minor crisis of faith tonight. We'd lost ten in a row to Toronto, we couldn't handle a rookie slugger named "Travis Snider" (which honestly sounds like a kindergarten bully), the Blue Jays took a lead early and it seemed like no matter how well Perkins pitched he was doomed to go winless again.

It looked like we might supract our way to victory. After tying the game we got two consecutive hits that went a cumulative 50 feet. A supractalicious start. Just as the Blue Jays were distracted by the bunt hit possibility Morneau bombed one against the baggy that looked caught, but was just a single thereby distracting them all.

All of them, except Rickey Romero. Who defeated Master of Supraction Michael Cuddyer (gasp!) and Greedy Joe Crede. Apparently our Supraction skillz are a tad rusty since the off-season.

When the Blue Jays tied it up again I thought...not so good. And while I left work in the middle of the 9th I was morbidly convinced that the game would end in heartbreak while I was en route home.

But Ze Ubermensch held steady with two perfect innings (even if one was a little nerve rattling). I kept imaging Ze Ubermensch informing us all of "ze power of ze UBERMENSCH!! Ze Ubermensch Allows NUH-SSSING! NUH-SSSING!!!"

But true satisfaction came in the 9th. With Justin using his new found speed to score the winning run and finally give us a win over the accursed Blue Jays.

We said at the beginning of the year that the Blue Jays are like the foreign exchange kid in baseball. (Note: I say all of this as a proud teacher of foreign students, but to teachers foreign kids are unique and charming...to high schoolers they are just irritating). Exchange kids are new (lots of rookies on the Blue Jays), they are different (they're like us, only with accents), they are not interesting enough to command your undivided attention (name a sure fire Hall-of-Famer Blue Jay...still waiting), and they seem to turn up when you least want to see them (which for the Twins is all the time). Every conversation you have is irredeemably awkward and its all you can do to get away from them. So in future, Twins, Twins fans, and any immature high schooler if you see any students like the ones pictured below: run.

Know Thine Enemy '09: Seattle Mariners

Clearly, my failure to remind the Twins of our enemies led to last night's loss. Unsure whether they were friend or foe, we waffled our way to defeat. You could almost hear Justin thinking: "Should I hit this grand slam or not? Why didn't Peanuts from Heaven tell me what to do?!?! WHY!!"

So we lost. And it will be okay, because now here are the facts about the Seattle Mariners, our least favorite Angsty Poets

Reasons to avenge our first defeat through much gnashing of teeth and bone

1. Last year--The Mariners were the bane of our existence last summer. Just when we would get a lead or a little momentum the Mariners turned up on the schedule to ruin everything. With Raul Ibanez hitting and bizarrely obscure pitchers pitching. And we lost. We lost to the Mariners. White Sox we could beat. Angels we could beat. Mariners...nope. Couldn't do it. We failed...so you know what Mariners, YOU FAIL! *45 Loathing Points*

2. Starbucks/Poetry--Last year I blamed the Mariners for Starbucks but didn't know why. This year, I do. Starbucks encourages the writing of bad poetry and the drinking of foul coffee. As the city of Seattle is responsible for Starbucks and the Mariners are responsible for most works of angst riddled poetry (see the works of Griffey, Kenneth; and hernandeZ, feliX), these two forces combine to create one unholy beast known as: The Seattle Mariners.  For this cruel creation the Mariners must suffer. *85 Loathing Points*

Reasons to take a deep breath and calmly avenge our defeat through normal things like hitting and pitching

1. Griffey ain't all bad--Like most people who became baseball fans in the early 90s Ken Griffey Jr. was the guy we all wanted to be like. He climbed walls. Hit homeruns. Beat up on the Yankees. He made wearing your hat backwards cool. (It's just a shame he had to do a lot of these things at the expense of the Twins.) While much of baseball has fallen under a shroud of suspicion and disdain, Griffey has not. He's always been positive, always played hard, always been a guy to root for. He's back home in Seattle now, which is good for him--as long as he doesn't keep crushing us. *-32 Loathing Points*

2. Grandma Zoe--What can I say. I love my Grandma. And I'm sure that while she was happy about last night's win, she wouldn't jeer me if her life depended on it. And I'm also sure that when Adrian Beltre strikes out tonight (which, believe me, he will) she'll shake her head and say: "that's never been a strike Adrian...not once...not ever...not in all the times you've swung at it...". You've gotta love your Grandma. *-41 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 57 Loathing Points 

(+50 Loathing Points from last year)

Punishment--Defeat by bludgeoning of bats upside heads.

Season Preview VI

Okay, either you've read these in sequence (ie I-VI) or you're about to read them in order of their appearance on the blog (ie VI-I). Whichever way you go about it it all begins the same way:

Baseball is like school, the teams are like the kids in the high school, every year some succeed, some fail, some are oohed and awed over, some are utterly ignored, some attain eternal glory, others eternal infamy. Through it all they focus on simple things beginning with their own class (their division or league), their peer group, who provides a reflection of what they should be doing at any time (salary strata--i.e. Red Sox/Yankees in one group, Twins/Royals/A's in another), and their own particular style (either of dress, behavior or playing the game)

Instead providing insightful analysis, we here at Peanuts from Heaven Inc have decided to preview our season by looking at MLB's 2009 Yearbook...and mocking the people we find within. So whether you've already read them, or are about to discover just how silly we are...we hope you see the striking similarities, just as we saw them.

Here now, the home of the future world champions, and therefore most important division ever: The American League Central

1st--Minnesota Twins

The Coolest People in History

Quote: "Better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt...BLAZOW!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Ruling the World

2nd--Cleveland Indians

Music Geek

Quote: "*Scoff* You're sharp!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Composing music for the world overlord's propoganda

3rd--Chicago White Sox

Bullies

Quote: "Whatcha gonna do about it?"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Janitor's in world overlord's lair

4th--Kansas City Royals

Drama Geeks

Quote: "I'm a Ninja!! Kwow-kwow-kwaaaachaaaaaaaa!!!!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Acting in the world overlord's propoganda

5th--Detroit Tigers

Tough kid from the wrong side of the tracks

Quote: "You just wouldn't understand..."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Kicking ass and taking names on behalf of the world overlord.

Season Preview V

Baseball is like school, everyone has their own class (division), their own circle of friends (salary strata), their own inimitable style (way of playing the game)

It is in that spirit that this year's Peanuts from Heaven Season Preview focuses on the high school archetypes embodied by each team, the memorable things they have done, and where they'll undoubtedly end up when the season ends six months from now.

We go now to the division everyone but us loves: The American League East

1st--Boston Red Sox

The Queen Bee Wannabe

Quote: "Don't feel so bad, it's not your fault you're poor."

Where they'll be in 6 months: begging for your sympathy because the first round of the playoffs is "like, totally hard," and "it's been like forever since our last championship!"

2nd--Tampa Bay Rays

Shrimp Turned Pimp

Quote: "The theory of relativity is very simple actually..."

Where they'll be in 6 months: losing the championship series, but winning at life.

3rd--New York Yankees

Queen Bee

Quote: "That outfit is SO cute. I'd totally wear that...if I didn't have so much money."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Out of the playoffs and into a shark pit.

4th--Toronto Blue Jays

Foriegn Exchange Student

Quote: "I'm not that foriegn, eh?"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Wherever the hell they came from.

5th--Baltimore Orioles

Dance Team Captain

Quote: "Wanna see my baton twirling."

Where they'll be in 6 months: not as bad as they are now...which is pretty is to do.

Season Preview IV

Baseball is like school, everyone has their own class (division), their own circle of friends (salary strata), their own inimitable style (way of playing the game)

It is in that spirit that this year's Peanuts from Heaven Season Preview focuses on the high school archetypes embodied by each team, the memorable things they have done, and where they'll undoubtedly end up when the season ends in 6 months

We switch now to the American League, beginning with the West

1st --Los Angeles Angels

Mr. All America

Quote: "I'm sorry my smile blinded you..."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Charming as hell, but not ruling the world

2nd--Texas Rangers

Rebel

Quote: "Whatever..."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Still defying expectations by deciding between a flannel shirt and a leather jacket

3rd--Oakland A's

Grade Obsessor

Quote: "Is THIS the right formula?!??!?!?!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Rocking back and forth on a window seat...crying.

4th--Seattle Mariners

Misunderstood Poet

Quote: "Winning isn't everything/everything is not winning."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Not winning.

Season Preview Part III

Baseball is like school, everyone has their own class (division), their own circle of friends (salary strata), their own inimitable style (way of playing the game)

It is in that spirit that this year's Peanuts From heaven Season Preview focuses on the high school archetypes that each team presents, the memorable things they have done, and where they'll undoubtedly end up when the season ends in 6 months.

Now that I'm back from lunch, let's take a look at the National League East

1st--New York Mets

Preppies

Quote: "It's okay...my daddy will take care of it."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Failing out of the League Championship, and failing into a VP of Marketing job.

2nd--Philadelphia Phillies

Counter-Culture Kids

Quote: "Don't do what 'the man' tells you to!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Working for the man (who whoops them in the first round of the playoffs)

3rd--Florida Marlins

Cheerleader

Quote: "WOO US!!!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Knocked out of the race, and knocked up by the dumb jock

4th--Atlanta Braves

Goody Two shoes

Quote: "Golly!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Girls Gone Wild.

5th--Washington Nationals

Computer Geek

Quote: "Wanna see my new level 78 Blood Elf?"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Still trying (and failing) to get people to like them.

Season Preview Part II

Baseball is like school, everyone has their own class (division), their own circle of friends (salary strata), their own inimitable style (way of playing the game)

It is in that spirit that this year's Peanuts from Heaven Season Preview focuses on the high school archetypes that each team presents. The memorable things they've done and where they'll undoubtedly end up when the season ends in 6 months

Next up, The National League Central:

1st place: Chicago Cubs

Lovable Lug

Quote: "Hey there slugger! Sorry I knocked that bowl of soup in your lap! We're still buddies, right slugger?!?!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Drinking away sorrows after another devastating postseason loss.

2nd place: St. Louis Cardinals

The Overlooked and Underappreciated All-Star

Quote: "Hey...I did that too, you know."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Practicing a winning smile in the mirror (it might get them to the playoffs next year)

3rd place: Milwaukee Brewers

The Fat Kid

Quote: "I can't believe I ate the whole thing..."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Celebrity "Biggest Loser", or crying into a bucket of chicken while watching the playoffs on their couch.

4th: Pittsburgh Pirates

Shrinking Violet

Quote: "*Cough* Sorry."

Where they'll be in 6 months: Who cares?

5th: Cincinnati Reds

Mr. Unknown

Quote: "Hey!....It's ME!...What do you mean you don't remember me?"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Somewhere we care about less than Pittsburgh

6th Place: Houston Astros

Dumb Jock

Quote: "YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: Facing a paternity suit.

Season Preview Part I

Baseball is like school, everyone has their own class (division), their own circle of friends (salary strata), their own inimitable style (way of playing the game).

It is in that spirit, that this years Peanuts from Heaven Season Preview focuses on the high school archetypes that each team presents. The memorable things they've done, and where they'll undoubtedly end up when the season ends in 6 months.

We'll start with the National League West:

1st-Arizona Diamond Backs

The Rocker

Quote: "Whatever man, all I need is music"

Where they'll be in 6 months: moping around Tower records following a first round loss in the playoffs

2nd-Los Angeles Dodgers

The Drama Queen

Quote: "oh. My. GOD! This is the most important season EVER!!"

Where they'll be in 6 months: guest starring as a barista in a CBS sitcom, utterly oblivious to how their season went.

3rd-Colorado Rockies

Delinquent

Quote: "**** You"

Where they'll be in 6 months: free on bail.

4th-San Francisco Giants

Hippy Stoner

Quote: "Dude, I just want to travel, and you know,  find myself, you know?"

Where they'll be in 6 months: in the exact same place...a year a way from contending.

5th-San Diego Padres

Stoner Stoner

Quote: "huhuhuhuhuhuhuh....cool"

Where they'll be in 6 months: staring at a wall (which will actually be more fun than watching the Padres play this year)