I keeeeen't sten 'em!!!

The "'em" I refer to is one Joe Buck.

I just...I just can't...and I'm seeing news reports of how he's becoming appreciated...NO! NO NO NO NO!!!!! And so I present 13 reasons why Joe Buck makes puppies cry.

1. This is a man who admits to NOT LIKING BASEBALL! Yet he gets the job of telecasting it every, single, year.
2. He sounds so abysmally depressed in everything. ["Deep to right and...we're tied....I guess I have to keep announcing this thing until it ends....sigh...", "Game over! Series tied at a game a piece...god no, not more than 4 games?!?].
3. There's no excitement with anything. No pleasure, no delight, no child-like enthusiasm that other people have with the game.
4. He doesn't ask questions to further fan knowledge [which makes Tim McCarver seem like an irritating gnat chiming in with things that Buck couldn't care less about, and by association, neither should the fans]
5. He doesn't attempt to set the scene
6. He blathers during otherwise tense moments
7. and is stone silent during the lulls.
8. He obsesses over ridiculous details well past their relevancy
9. He seeks to blame people rather than praise them (Charlie Manuel's a fool for not sending the runners...maybe, just maybe, it was a damned good pitch to get the double play...)
10. He has a holier-than-thou attitude which makes errors seem like the behavior of an "untouchable" caste [unless your name starts with a "D" and ends with an "erek Jeter"]
11. And he can't get over the super-slo-mo method of replay. ["oh my goodness! an umpire got a very close play wrong, the world will come to an end!!!"--blown calls are tough (witness Mauer's double/foul ball) but on things as close as the double off double play...move on and hope it doesn't affect the game (which it didn't)]
12. He manages to plug everything in hyper-convoluted ways. Can't it be enough to say: "the Fox Business in Game Box Score shows" rather than "the Fox Business in Game Box Score, if you want to know more about business, or study market trends and tactics, turn to channel 354 in your digital cable package, shows..."? [I know other announcers do that, and am sure that's a Fox mandate, but you know, the only thing worse than commercials, is dour depressingly voiced commercials]
13. He manages to be ridiculously melodramatic over inconsequential things (as anyone who lived through the "Randy Moss pretending to pull down his pants is the worst thing in the history of the world" fiasco can attest)
14. He constantly seems to be dreaming about football--which would be fine--if he wasn't calling the most important series of baseball games of the entire year...BUT HE IS.

I understand that he's announcing royalty. I understand that now he's so familiar that he would be difficult to eject from that announcer seat. BUT PLEASE!!! Somebody! ANYBODY!

C'mon, Joe Buck, maybe you should do it yourself--spend more time with your kids, spend more time watching reality tv, spend more time anywhere, ANYWHERE! but in the booth of a baseball game. I'm sure that you are a kind, gentle and agreeable human being--go do that and leave baseball for the people who want to be there rather than those who are contractually obligated to do so. Move to England, claim Swine Flu as a defense, whatever you want! I will vouch for you!! PLEASE!!!!!!

Sincerely,

ScruffyRube

P.s. The Yankees won, but it was a tight game with some interesting moments that were bludgeoned to death by the--I'm not going to get mad...peace mantra, peace mantra, peace mantra--anyway. Series tied...hope we can get seven games...if only for the remote possibility that the reanimated corpses of Harry Kalas and Red Barber storm the booth on Halloween and send Joe Buck home.

P.p.s. Stinky and I have had a discussion: Pedro Martinez. Minnesota Twin? Thoughts?

P.p.p.s. Derek Jeter made a mistake...and admitted it!! I have new found respect for him...still fear him, his lack of a reflection and (probable) thirst for human blood, but I respect him too.

How do you like 'dem apples?

So game one of the world series...wow...

Not exactly what I expected.

I have to say, that after the high hopes and dashed dreams of the division and league championship series, I was only mildly convinced by baseball pundits that in this series, at long last, we had a battle worthy of "The Fall Classic".

The Yankees, I reasoned, were too big, too bad, too good to be denied. We made silly mistakes that we don't normally make, and because of those mistakes we turned three close games into three lost games. The Angels looked fantastic almost all season, and fought back, but just seemed petrified by the "cold" weather of New York City (40 degrees? Spare me!). The Phillies were from a league that both we and the Angels whooped this year, the Phillies could probably be rusty, and I could hear Joe Buck mentally crafting his panegyrics in honor of Derek Jeter's chin, Alex Rodriguez's eyes, and CC Sabathia's waist. (In my mind Joe Buck has Tiger Beat posters of all the Yankees inside his locker at Fox Studios.) What chance could the Phillies have against the Yankees AND Rupert Murdoch's golden boy?

Turns out a pretty damn good one.

And why? They field well, they hit well, they run well. We do those things too, we just don't do them against the Yankees...and why is that? Because we play scared, and they play confident. There is no better example of that than Cliff Lee's basket catch, a play which might live on in infamy (or might be seen as total overconfidence depending on the next few games). We tried to do everything so incredibly perfect that everyone would suddenly fall in love with us. The Phillies just went out and did it.

At least...they did last night...the rest of the series can be another issue entirely, and as a baseball fan I hope that it is. I hope the Yankees make a contest of it...and then lose. But, in case there is a Yankees fan on our site, I want to make one thing clear.

The reason I have a problem with the Yankees is the ideology of the team, the corp

orate philosophy, if you will. That's a phrase that makes no sense in the midwest where the game is meant to be played, enjoyed, suffered and savored: not to be used as a business to be won. What's more, when you win you should be proud, but not cruel to your opponents. As my mother said: "it's not that we lose...it's that they don't seem to acknowledge that we had a right to be on the same field. No one talks about how we 'gave 'em a good game', they just act like winning was something they were entitled to."

To that end, I am happy to point out a kind, decent, thoughtful set of Yankees fans over at "It's About the Money (stupid)"--which looks like a decent bunch of fans rather than blowhards, faithful devotees rather than furious militants, defenders of an economic philosophy rather than a imperialistic ideal. To wit: this post from Jason Rosenberg which critiques the kind of behavior that drives non-Yankee fans crazy.

Of course, if the Phillies stay the course, than this image from the New York Post may begin what is already formulating in my mind as possibly the best Baseball/horror schlock movie of all time.

Tonight, Pedro Martinez goes to the hill, which is awesome because when I was 7 years old, I saw Pedro Martinez play for the Great Falls Dodgers, my home town team. Weirdest of all...Pedro apparently still has a soft spot for Great Falls...Let's go PEDRO!

My dream...

I had this dream last night. It was bizarre and wonderful. Forces of darkness and evil were converging on the horizon. There was Benedict Arnold, and the Wicked Witch of the West, about a zillion orcs, and my 7th grade English teacher. It was awfully frightening.

But all around me were heroes and superheroes. Hercules, the Green Lantern, G.O.B Bluth, Hermione Granger and John Locke (both the bald hunter from Lost, and the eminent philosopher).

When my alarm finally went off, I thought that the final battle had been joined. But no, my brain was just sleepy, and an epic week of serious work lay ahead of me. And to make matters worse...the Yankees are back in the World Series...

Then again, maybe my dream is an allegory for the World Series to come...Maybe it was a sign that I should cheer nonstop for the Phillies and their Hercules (Ryan Howard), Green Lantern (Jimmy Rollins), GOB Bluth (Chase Utley), Hermione Granger (Pedro Martinez) and John Locke (Raul Ibanez--who is not as cool as our John Locke (Ron Gardenhire) but still, pretty awesome). Maybe the forces of Goodness and Light might yet triumph and the Yankpires will be vanquished and I'll get through my homework and actually manage to squeeze in 8 hours of sleep at some point this week!

(Probably not...but sometimes you have to be wildly irrational...just because it's more fun that way)

C'MON PHILLIES!!!!

So THAT'S why postseason baseball is fun!

I knew that there was something great about playoff baseball, I just couldn't quite remember what it was.

Was it the awesomeness of Fox's coverage? No...that's not it, there certainly isn't much to be enjoyed in hearing Joe Buck and Tim McCarver gush and goo over every move that Derek Jeter makes. Seriously, guys, if you catch a relay, and see a baserunner caught between bags but leaning to second...YOU THROW THE BALL TO SECOND!!!! Jeter does it because he is intelligent, so is Erik Aybar, Jimmy Rollins, Orlando Cabrera, Nick Punto and just about EVERY OTHER MIDDLE INFIELDER IN THE PLAYOFFS!!! Just because they don't wear a Yankees uniform doesn't mean they wouldn't make the same intelligent plays when pressed. Stop kissing ass and call the game.

Was it A-Rod's cold, soulless eyes? No, they make for sadness in my soul. Them and Nick Swisher's rock signs, Joba Chamberlian's rope necklace, Mark Texiera's bolster cushion neck and every single word that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver say. STOP SPLITTING THE SCREEN IN HALF AND JUST ANNOUNCE WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!

I KNOW!! It's stranding runners in scoring position!! I love it when that happens, guy on third, no outs, that's great...oh, wait, no...no that's not it, that made me want to gouge out my own eyes with sporks.

Wait a second, something's coming back to me. I was watching with people! There was an Angels fan and a Yankees fan...but they were both polite, and insightful and intelligent. They were willing to let me swear and spout vitriol at the tv screen, and not take it personally. They loved their teams and knew them as intimately as I know the Twins.

The shivered and shook with the highs and the lows, the leads and the deficits, the comebacks and the fallbehinds. With each pitch and swing and catch and throw they twisted and turned and lived and died. And while I tried to remain objective, while I tried to be impartial and just appreciate the game I wanted the Angels to win. I wanted it for Adenhart. I wanted it for Torii. I wanted it because I didn't want it for the Yankees.

The camaraderie is what I miss so far from Minnesota, but I won't lie, the winning, the dramatic victory was great. And as Leslie declared her undying love for Jeff Mathis, and Jen sank back into the couch in despair, I realized that this is what matters. The camraderie, the unpredictability, and the excellence of the competition. That's what makes it a pleasure to watch, a pleasure to share. That's what makes it fun.

Calling in a Favor

Dear Torii Hunter,

We are very very very sorry for your losses. We know that the Yankees are A-holes, D-Bags and Q-berts. We experienced it first hand, and we know you are experiencing that now, and we know that there are few things worse than watching a bunch of multimillionare's smugly celebrate their "triumph" over those of us who make do with less.

Don't cry Torii, so what if A-Rod is suddenly really really good in the postseason? So what if the last time a big-name player who had struggled intensely in the postseason "suddenly" figured out how to hit was Barry Bonds in 2002? So what if I made a totally unsubstantiated allusion to steroid use? You are Torii freakin' Hunter. You smile and distant planets feel the warm glow.

Torii, I don't ask for much, just, please don't let them walk over our entire league, please don't let them continue them do to the American League what the tank did to that poor guy in Tinamen Square. DO NOT LET THE YANKEES REDUCE ALL BASEBALL FANS TO IRRATIONAL HATRED AND HYPERBOLIC EQUIVALENCES!! (I mean...who would liken the defeat of a few millionares at the hands of a few other millionaires to peaceful protests in China...whoever that person is, they are suffering from acute craziness. SAVE THEIR BRAINS TORII!!)

Why am I writing to you Torii, because, let's face it, the National League kinda stinks a little bit, and doesn't have quite the same chance to derail the Yankpires as you do. Also because Minnesota is still secretly in love with you. But sshhh, don't tell yourself.

Perhaps I'm getting delirious, perhaps I'm totally incoherent, all I know is this. Torii, you're a great guy, and the Yankees, the Yankees are not...ergo, Torii you should win, and they should lose.

Please Torii-won Kenobi, You are our only hope.

Love,

Peanuts from Heven

Don't look back in anger

Our season has been over, and after a two-day quarantine on all baseball related news (no ESPN lest they show clips again and again and again of poor Nicky P), it's time to refocus on good things.

Like the Los Angeles Angels of Anahiem. Our buddy Torii (whose favorite pancake house in Edina is the bomb-diggity, ps). And pretty much nothing else.

Seriously, if we end up with some Yankee type World Series I may boycott. If we end up with Yankees/Dodgers I will definitely boycott. C'mon, you've got to root for the Angels here, no steroid users, no jackass fans, Torii the wonderful, Bobby Abreu (who proved himself to be a non-Yankpire when he went out to check on poor Dr. Cakeburn last year--oh and further proved himself a non-Yankpire when he got the hell out of NYC), Vladmir Gurrero, and the quest for justice for former pitcher Nick Adenhart.

They also have the Rally Monkey, but with four teams left we'll let that slide.

While we are hoping for some sort of decency to win the day in baseball we're also confronted with one major problem: jackass sportswriters positing theories that are given the weight of papal edicts.

I'm looking at you Patrick Ruesse, and I'm looking at your suggestion that we trade away Dread Pirate Joe Nathan.

Could it give us some monies? Yes. Could it get us somebody to play second base effectively? Possibly. Could we survive with John Rauch, Jose Mijares, Pat Neshak, or Boof Bonser as our closer? Probably.

BUT! I beg of you Bill Smith, consider this carefully. Remember that Joe is part of us all, and though he had some pretty nuclear-sized meltdowns this year, he is our pirate, and we love him. Think of what the rest of the team will say: remember when Joe Mauer said that we need to add not subtract? Yeah, trading away his beloved closer--not so much the way to do that...

Let's be frank here: Would it be the end of the world if we traded Joe Nathan? No. Then why am I opposed to it? Because it's being presented by someone who's being a Captain Cranky-Pants after a lousy playoff series. If Ron Mayhay had given up the homerun to A-Rod in the ninth, everyone would be fine with Joe; if our starters had gotten completely smoked we wouldn't even discuss our bullpen. This is reactionary jackassery of the first order and should not be discussed as a brilliant solution to our problems, so much as it should be discussed as over-emotional panicking by a sports-world wannabe.

But perhaps Joe Nathan said it best himself. When reached for comment he told Peanuts from Heaven: "GARRRERRRARRRRERRRRR--GRRRRRAAAWWWWWRRRR!!!"

[Translation: Avast, Patrick Ruesse you billowing blowhard, unsheath your sw-ord and have at ye! Ya scurrrrvy swine!!!]

Silver Linings

So Delmon Young just got a double after getting nailed in the balls. There is a silver lining to every cloud.

OK, I know this is a family-friendly blog, but there's just been a lot of balls and balls-related discussion tonight, mainly propagated by the excessive repetition of awkward Viagra commercials.

Ridiculousness from the TBS announcers:

"Wow! A-Rod! Look at how strong his arm is! But between this and his home run it's just amazing how strong he is"

Our interpretation: "Amazing! He threw the ball across the field, like a professional baseball player is meant to do! He took the ball from his glove, with the other hand and threw it - incredible! You know, this is a team that's really been excellent at using both hands this season. Also, it's remarkable how unbelievably, practically inhuman his strength is. It's as if it isn't natural at all. I mean, you can practically feel the chemical reaction when he connects."

"Andy Pettite is so tough in every at bat, he's an incredible competitor."

Our interpretation: "With Andy Pettite, it's not an at bat, it's a seduction."

"What an incredible play by Jeter!"

Our interpretation: "Jeter just softly lobbed the ball to first base with plenty of time to make the out. If Brendan Harris did this it would be merely mediocre but when Derek Jeter does it it's AMAZING!!!"

Also notable was their palatable lack of enthusiasm when Denard stole second base. Not to mention the fact that when we took the lead they were quietly awed, when A-Rod tied it, and Posada took the lead it seemed like it was all they could do not to run down on to the field and plant a big sloppy kiss all over the Yankees' collective rumps.

I was going to write about how inexorably sad this all makes me (particularly after Nicky just tried a little too hard), but why fixate on the toolish announcers, the damnable Yankees and our "gaffes"? We all know this is what it is, we can't change it, the Yankees are what they are, network tv is what it is, but best of all we are what we are

WE ARE AWESOME! And we don't need to win no stinkin' playoff series to know it! This has been an incredible season, we have a team full of guys who play it the right way and play it clean and will come back next year ready to go another step (last year we just missed it, this year we made it, next year...?). Bottom line, we are awesome, what else do you need to know?

Kristina again:

Yes, we are awesome. But as much as I know that, and as much as I tried not to care that we were probably going to get swept in this series... it still totally sucks. Honestly, I'd rather we just plain lost - it'd be better to walk away from this series saying "Well, we played our best, but we just got outplayed," instead of "Well, we f***ed it up so many times, it's no wonder we lost."

OK thinking positively.

Even though this series has been really painful (especially for Delmon's pistachios), I'm sitting here tonight, watching through the pain with some of my best friends - grilling brats, laughing together, yelling at A-Rod together, groaning in pain together, trying to solve a problem like the Yankees together (throwing star to A-Rod's larynx perhaps?), and making inappropriate comments about Viagra commercials together. Even the worst loss doesn't seem quite as bad when you're among the ones you love.

We love the Twins, we love our friends, and as long as we're all together, we're happy--and will be happy through the long cold winter.