Moving on to face the most hated team in baseball

So...we lost our first series of the season, reminding us all that few things last forever (Twinkies and cockroaches at last count), and that every day and every game is a new opportunity to start something great. Six series wins in a row was nice, how about we try for seven starting tonight in Cleveland?

And speaking of the comeback kids of the Cuyahoga, we found this news article that was...well...disturbing. It seems that throughout the internet when you tally up all the statements made on message boards and blogs and what not that the villainous, vile and otherwise detestable pin-stripers have not been exposed to the same amount of bile and disdain as four other teams. The Astros, the Reds, the Red Sox and yes...the Cleveland Indians have garnered more disparaging comments this season than the Yankees have. In fact, the Indians have the lowest rating of any team this season suggesting that they are the least liked team in all of baseball.

(To be fair, the group that did the study--The Nielsen Company--claims that these are only reactions to the first 3.5 weeks of the season. The Yankees positive start combined with the fact that most teams haven't played them yet, means that most fan blogs haven't had a reason to disparage them yet. Menawhile the Indians poor start, the local basketball team's title aspirations and a disenchanted fan base mean that even the people who should care about the Tribe don't, at least, not right now.)

So as the Twins head into Cleveland tonight we can think of it like this...we can keep beating up on the little guy and help them to wallow in their crapulence. Or we can beat them but give them a little clap and an encouraging word.

So let me be the first to say: Good on ya Cleveland. You've got really...nice...hair...and it's nice that you aren't you know, bloodsucking vampires who destroy goodness and light the way Yankpires do.

Slide into the Danger Zone

The less said about last night the bet--

So let's focus instead on something stupid that we can control, namely avoiding becoming the Yankees and Red Sox. See...the Yankees have 27 World Championships, the Red Sox have fewer but just as much prestige. Both are perennial contenders. Both have budgets that make Vanatu go: "sigh". Both are consistently in games they play rarely suffering for long because there's always another prospect to call up another trade to make and so the "lean" times are the kinds of things that the have nots like the Orioles and Blue Jays can only dream of.

In short, there's no need to whine if you're a Yankees or a Red Sox fan. Theoretically, you've got the best teams, with the best payrolls with the best management in baseball. Why on earth would you waste ink, newspaper pages or bytes of space on the interweb with incessant complaining about how your bed of roses is slightly wilted.

We Twins are lucky, we've been plucky and scrappy underdogs for a while now, but as Tigers fans Dr. Stats and CPH pointed out last night, we've got a new stadium we've got a big payroll, and we've won more division titles than anyone else this last decade...we're a power. (For the record though, we still spend $30 Million less than the Tigers). Still, they're right, we've got a good team, great management and we're always a threat, we really don't have anything to complain about.

And then I read this. Now...I'm willing to believe that many people may disagree with me about many things, politics, art, Cake V.s. Pie. But to react to your team going 14-7 over its first 21 games, to react to your team spending more money than it ever has before, to react to excellence in the early days of spring with whining and moaning over how "pitchers are coddled sissies" is absurd! We're winning! Life is good! Sure we'll eventually lose a couple games in a row, but for right now, let's just enjoy life. For a nominal fee each year (a fee we ourselves decide on) a group of men will play a game that will provide us with 486 hours of entertainment, if not more! And if you're a member of the press who is PAID to be entertained for 486+ hours each season then complaining over how you are entertained, is like being a movie theatre usher yelling at Denzel Washington mid-fight scene.

It's a slippery slope from plucky underdog to ungrateful schmucks, a slippery slope I hope we never slide down. If you want to go sledding into the Red (sox) Zone of annoyance Peter Reusse, go ahead, but don't expect me to join you for the ride.

Baseball in BG (f. Doctor Stats!)

Here in Northwest Ohio I'm a mere 90 minutes away from Detroit, and only 20 minutes away from their triple A affiliate in Toledo, which means that Tigers fans are more common than other kinds of fans--although both the Indians and the Reds are at least marginally represented. But in my program, as I've said before there are two big time Tigers fans and last night, one of them and I took a break from paper writing and sat down with a couple beers to watch the Twins V. Tigers.

This meant watching a small screen in the corner turned away from 98% of the rest of the bar who were all fixedly watching the Cleveland Cavaliers and a basketball player named...I don't know if I'm pronouncing this right...Les Browns Jammies? Is that it? Li'l help?

Still and all we enjoyed ourselves sipping our epic steins of Linenkugels and, being the well trained ex-Africa living boys we are, gnawing on chicken bones and sucking all the marrow out of each wing. Over this time period my colleague, whom we will call Doctor Stats for his knowledge of the facts and figures of the game pointed out the following crucial factoids.

1) We were awfully lucky to have Liriano on the hill and to have patience at the plate because Justin Verlander is a mighty fine pitcher with the intensity of a Thunderian

However as Doctor Stats pointed out, Verlander's been throwing over 100 pitches by the 5th or 6th inning in all his starts, meaning that while he's good he over throws sometimes and gets tired earlier in the game. To this end, Dr. Stats noted, 23% of our hitters worked the at bats to a full count...that's a job well done by our patient players.

2) Infuriatingly, at least from Dr. Stat's perspective, was the fact that Mauer went 0-5, and Morneau went 0-3 before leaving with a stiff back* and yet the Tigers still lost, mostly because of two big errors that undid an otherwise sterling (if your name is Verlander) or capable performance (if you're in the bullpen). Which led Dr. Stat's to point out another factoid. The Twins have committed 2 errors all season...the Tigers: 18--excuse me, with last night's two it's now 20!

*Note to all of Twins Territory, just because his back is stiff do not seek out your local witch doctor to banish the evil spirits infecting his vertebrae...at least...don't do it yet.

3) One final note from Dr. Stats, in case you were wondering the ratio of waitress concern for cheap baseball fans to waitress concern for increasingly drunk and excitable basketball fans is largely dependent upon the independent variable of how attractive the statistics guru at each table is--VICTORY CHEAP BASEBALL FANS!!

And victory Twins...and with Finals nearing a close...VICTORY LIFE!!

How do you write about a 12 inning game? Caption Action!

While we were able to catch most of this weekends series in Kansas City, the impending doom that is the push to Finals has rendered those creative sectors of our brains to resemble nothing so much as applesauce...see I can't even come up with a good simile for what our brains look like...it's that bad.

So let's let the pictures do the talking, shall we?

Game 1: Friday

You know what Scotty? Just keep your arm up throughout the season...we'll be high-fiving frequently, this year.

Twins 8-Royals 3

Game 2: Saturday

"You may be winning these games...but believe me, you don't mess, with DeJesus."

Justin: "It's so much fun to stay up late, let's NEVER GO TO BED!!"

Joe: "Or let's win the game and then go to bed..."

Justin: "Either way!"

Twins 9-Royals 7

Game 3: Sunday

Slowey: "I don't know what's wrong skip."

Gardy: "Let's take a looksey here...yup...cuticle's too long"

Joe: "I keep a spare clipper taped underneath my helmet"

Gardy: "Nah...it's just Kansas City...what's the worst that could happen?"

Brendan Harris: "AAAAAAAAACK!!!! It's Joakim Soria a man so mean that he mows us down like helpless daisies! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"I can almost taste those delicious daisies! I WILL DESTROY ALL FLOWERS AND BEAUTY IN THE WORLD!!!"

Twins 3-Royals 4

Series in a Nutshell

Kubel: "WOO! Another series win! Let's keep on rockin' in the free world!"

O-Dog: "Agreed...but, the free world's bigger than Kansas City...and cooler...so let's get the hell out of here."

Clash of the Talking Heads Rd. 3: KANSAS CITY ROYALS

With my return to Minnesota fast approaching I will soon be blocked out of mlb.tv due to blackout restrictions, which means I will soon be forced to suspend my wildly popular* "Clash of the Talking Heads Series". However, once I return to Minnesota I will be able to see games in, you know, person--so I think it turns out as a victory for me.

(*by wildly popular I mean my mom has told me she likes it)

But while sputtering internet connections are still my best chance to watch a game let's welcome two more contestants to the PfH Talking Heads Battle Chamber!

Tonight's Contestants: Ryan LeFebvre and Paul Splitorff of FS-Kansas City.

Credentials: Splitorff was 14 year veteran pitcher with the Royals with a reputation for being a "Yankee Killer" helping the Royals beat the half-Vampires in a couple of games over four different playoff series (which means he has done something our own pitchers can only dream about doing--if they don't wake up with nightmares first). Meanwhile LeFebvre is part of a baseball dynasty and has links to Minnesota as a former Gopher and erstwhile contributer to Twins broadcasts...also his name means "The February" So...that's pretty cool. (Note: Frank White occasionally calls games in place of Splitorff...and this statue of White might be one of the best baseball statues I have encountered in ball park travels.)

Analysis: Competent, solid, steady. These guys aren't going to set your toes-to-tapping but if you get used to them I imagine they would be pleasant enough to spend a season with. Their biggest problem is that they occasionally sound like they're reading off stock quotes rather than calling a ballgame. There's little to no enthusiasm, even in a tense extra-inning game like tonight's, which is hardly surprising when you remember that they are, after all, announcing Royals games. After so many losing seasons, it's a little difficult to feign faith. Still, they share the booth well, and remain positive, avoiding hoary cliches, catch phrases or the kind of jingoistic vitriol we encountered in Chicago. All in all, pretty good.

Best Quote (the most excited they got): LeFebvre: "Hey look, that guy caught a foul ball but gave the souvenir to the kid behind him, if we had a fan of the game, it'd be that fella there"

Splitorff: "Don't know what his date thought of that though, I think she wanted it for herself."

LeFebvre: "Doesn't she have the same pink hoodie you have, Split?"

Splitorff: "I prefer the baby blue, that's more my style, I think."

LeFebre: "That little boy's smile is the biggest one we've seen tonight"

Rating: 3 Blylevens (competency alone makes them the best team I've heard this year, the intangibles of a Yankee Killing pitcher, a Fountain man statue and Mr. The Feburary bump them up another .5 point...if the Royals ever give them something to get excited about they could actually be fun)

Quick, like a ninja

The game will be on shortly, and the good news is that Stinky and I are coming to the home stretch of our homework loads this year--so in short order we can devote ourselves to the truly important things in this world: truth, justice, disgusting odors and the Minnesota Twins.

But with our various other duties we are only now getting to tonight's post, so, apologies for the abbreviated nature of this one, but we're seeking expediency here at all costs.

1) Little Nicky Punto has an owie (but not a dragon inflicted owie like Jose Mijares so, that's a plus). This means that Luke Hughes is coming up, which means we have an Australian on our team which means I may need to be nice to Australians, which is not something I'm good at. Don't get me wrong, I know and have worked with several Australians and they are largely wonderful people. They are also perpetually sarcastic (something to do with being stranded on a god forsaken rock with a bunch of convicts probably), and as a constantly peppy person I don't do well with sarcasm--it hurts my tender American feelings (sniff).

But in an effort to help Luke Hughes feel comfortable we'd like to show him that our love and affection in the culturally appropriate Australian way. By mocking him (and by him we mean Australia in general) mercilessly. (Ahem): "Hey Luke Hughes! Stop putting that Vegemite on your hotdog and listen up! I know that you're going to be tempted during the course of the game to hug Jason Kubel because his beard reminds you of a koala but please remember that the only way that Kubel would ever want to hug you is if you behave hop around the bases like a kangaroo after your first major league hit! Also, Baz Luhrman's films are self-indulgent! THERE I SAID IT!!! Now go out there and make us proud! (oops that's too nice) Go out there and try not to kill Nemo!"

2) We rocked that home stand, and are in fact pretty much rocking everything in sight these days (5 straight series wins? Hells to the yes!). But while this is very good the best thing that came out of this home stand was the following revelation from Denard Span (courtesy of the Star Trib): "I was nervous as could be about how cold it was going to be here in April. I had my ninja outfit ready to go." As Stinky pointed out to me last weekend, this means that Denard is, as she has long suspected...A NINJA! "Think about it," she said, "you pretty much have to be a ninja to play centerfield, fast, agile, capable of sudden strikes when its least expected."

When I claimed that Carlos Gomez was too noisy to be a Ninja stinky pointed out that he was "the dysfunctional ninja, the diet coke of ninjas." However, as she pointed out to me "Denard is also silent and stealthy, he just stands at the plate and waits and waits and then--BOOM he's on first base with a walk!"

I can picture Denard now, on his days off from the Twins, skulking around Minneapolis in his ninja gear, using throwing stars to pin White Sox fans to walls, using his cat like reflexes to scale the elevator shafts in the Wells Fargo building until he reaches the super computers and adjusts the interest rates on savings bonds. Sigh...oh Denard, why must you be so awesome?

As always we hope that the awesomeness can continue but understand if it doesn't. And as the boys head back on the road we send them off with the full support of Twins Territory, and as an homage to our Ninja Centerfielder, we send them off with a haiku

Take your home with you

Flashing streaks of number two

Victory is ours

2 days of Supraction

_____PLACE OBLIGATORY APOLOGY FOR ALL-CONSUMING GRADUATE SCHOOL WORK LOAD HERE_________Continuing blogging.....NOW

For those of you uninitiated fans of our blog you may want to know the definition of one of our favorite words: "SUPRACTION (n): An act combining the arts of surprise and distraction which results in an unexpected benefit for the individual who performs said act."

We have many fans of supraction on the Twins, but perhaps no one is a bigger fan of it than Delmon Young, left fielder, scotch connoisseur, lover. Delmon uses Supraction and uses it well, in fact, at times it seems like he only ever succeeds because of it, the weight loss, the sudden bursts of athleticism the down right flukiness of some great plays, last night was no exception as Delmon's supraction skillz were on display, as is evidenced by his dugout conversation with fellow Supraction stud/amateur magician: Michael Cuddyer.

Delmon: [Sigh]

Michael: [while confounding reserve catcher Drew Butera by vanishing Butera's lunch money] What's wrong Delmon?

Delmon: You know Michael, I keep hitting the ball hard, but it doesn't make a difference, do you ever wonder if hitting the ball with force is a gigantic, horrible, life threatening mistake?

Michael: ....No Delmon...No I don't...

Delmon: Sure, you don't...hitting the ball hard is what puts the dimples in your cheeks [Michael smiles and a soft but discernible PING! is heard] It just doesn't seem to make a difference for me.

Michael: I know Delmon, but just think...now that you can hit the ball hard, if you suddenly don't hit the ball hard it would be surprising...

Delmon: ...yeah?

Michael: ...AND distracting...

Delmon: ...yeah?

Michael: It would be SUPRACTING!!!!

Delmon: Oh, Cuddy you can always cheer me up

[And so it was that Delmon hit a meek little nubber to the short stop...who missed it, loading the bases, now on the base paths Delmon and Michael conduct their next conversation via telepathy]

Delmon: That was fun...

Michael: Yeah...

Delmon: You know what would be even more fun?

Michael: Mentally inserting a Javanese Jumping Bean into the balls that the Indians are pitching?

Delmon: How did you know?

Michael: We're conducting this conversation via telepathy, Delmon, there's literally nothing I don't know.

Delmon: Even the fact that I cry every time I watch and/or read: Bridge to Teribithia?

Michael: ...Yes, Delmon, even that.

[Through their combined mental powers Delmon and Michael cause Javanese Jumping Bean laced baseballs to cause a walk of JJ Hardy, and then a wild pitch which results in both Michael and Delmon coming into score on one errant throw. Back in the dugout they discuss their results]

Delmon: God, I'd forgotten how fun Supraction was! Let's do it every inning!!!

Michael: Wait a second Delmon, if we always supract people it won't be surpising...

Delmon: ...or distracting...

Michael: Maybe we ought to not hit at all for like...the next 10 innings...then I'll suddenly hit a home run! And a few innings later...A TRIPLE!!!

Delmon: But what if the Indians hit the ball well? Wouldn't we be running the risk of losing...to Cleveland?

Michael: Hmmmm...good point...

Delmon: [Snaps fingers] I've got it! I'll suddenly field my position effectively! No one will expect that to happen!

Michael: No Delmon, I don't suppose they will [Hearty laughter...and...SCENE!]