Happy Birthday Stinky!

Hard to figure out what the best birthday present is for our fellow heavenly peanut, the immensely talented and intelligent Stinky.

First, players will officially report for spring training tomorrow. Sunshine, blue skies, balls, bats, baseball is coming back! After having to shovel off her car several dozen times this winter, this is a harbinger of good times and fortuitously timed to boot.

Second, the adorably scrappy Little Nicky Punto has been elected by you (our loyal readers) to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame. While he is small of stature he is great in grit, pluck and guile. Watching a man the size and shape of a supermarket bag boy play major league baseball never failed to make us laugh.

Third, Delmon Young has signed a contact and will be back in left field for the coming season. This means that whenever Stinky goes to the ballpark she'll be treated to another year worth of her dad saying: "Alright Delmont!!" (she'll also be treated to the various other things that people say about Delmon...but this is a family blog and we won't print them here)

Finally, there's the following clip of the honorable chairman Joseph Mauer honing his swing for the coming season. Better still, he's being serenaded by the roots raising Stinky's hopes still higher for a ?uestlove guest track on Mauer's upcoming rap album: Ballz and Strikz.

Clearly the Twins know how important it is to keep the fans happy--or at least, to keep Stinky happy. If Stinky ain't happy, ain't no body happy!

Ain't Too Proud to Beg...

There's just a week to go before pitchers and catchers report which means only 7 days left to vote for the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame!!! So all you lurkers and random passers-by on the internet, don't be afraid, the buttons won't bite you! Look over there at the right hand side of the screen and click on the players who made watching Twins games a treat.

So cast your vote and leave a comment while you're at it. We like making new friends: Brazilians, Brits, Oregonians, Oklahomans, heck--even New Yorkers! We're Minnesotans, we're bound by state law to be nice. So leave a comment and make a Peanut's day!

Join the gang, join the discussion, life's more fun when we share. Seriously, I need some baseball conversations; I need debates and complaints, pleas and analyses. Who will lead our team in scrappiness without Nicky Punto around? Is Joe Nathan healthy, and if not, will he cut off Matt Capps' arm and make it his own? If a Jason Kubel falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?

These are the kinds of question that make baseball fun! Now that we're free from the iron grasp of pro football let us rejoice and make merry!! Baseball's back, share the joy! (PLEASE?!?)

A Letter to My New Hero

Dear Brian Duensing,

I have just finished reading this recent news article from the Minneapolis Star Tribune, and let me begin by saying: my deepest condolences to you and your friends, family and neighbors in Omaha. I can't imagine the trauma of the incident described, and I hope that your community can continue to come together in this time of need.

However, I learned many other things from this article. For instance: You totally despise the Yankees...so do I. You graduated from high school in 2001...so did I. You majored in English Literature and expressed an interest in teaching high school if baseball didn't work out...so did I! (Only I could tell baseball wouldn't work out for me around age 9.)

Because you're so much like me Brian, I now feel terrible about constantly linking blog posts about you to silly you tube clips and giving you the nickname: "Brian "You Make Me Feel Like" Duensing ". I would not have made such a lame joke if I had known how alike we are. I will also resist, for the moment, the temptation to ask you for lesson plan opinions and making silly comments about Vygotsky's "Strike Zone of Proximal Development" [Education Nerd Joke! HIYO--!!!!!]

I will simply wish you best of luck on the coming season...because when one English Lit/Education Major wins...WE ALL WIN!!

Warmest Regards,

The Scruffy Rube

P.s. Nerds FOREVER!!

Vote for the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame

As January draws to a close our eyes will turn southward to Spring Training in Fort Meyers and the joys that go along with it. Sunshine. Blue Skies. The sound of Joe Mauer's bat hitting a ball so hard that PETA activists charge him with cruelty to animal skins. And, because we're a weird crew we baseball fans, we'll be dreaming of October--in February...'cause we're like that.

But we'll also be thinking of the players who've left us over the last offseason, and as is our habit here at Peanuts From Heaven, we like to commemorate the fallen with one final photoshop as an induction into our very own Hall of Fame. This is a hall dedicated not to the absolute BEST Twins players, but instead dedicated to those who make watching the game so entertaining and make writing and reading about the Twins one of our favorite pastimes.

This year, instead of unilaterally deciding which former Twin should be enshrined alongside such ever amusing icons as Bert Blyleven and Carlos Gomez, we're going to open the voting to you! In the right menu bar you'll see a poll--click next to the player you want to see a hall of fame photoshop of and we'll provide it! The poll will be open until pitchers and catchers report and the induction ceremony will be held on the first day of Spring Training.

In case you need a reminder the candidates are:

Jesse Crain (A guy so nice we called him "Uber-Menschy" or...Ze Ubermensch!)

Orlando Hudson (About as bombastic as I am)

JJ Hardy (Boy Detective/Dreamy Shortstop)

Nick Punto (Enough Said)

John Rauch (who I didn't make a photoshop of, but who did have this sweet intro video for half a year--which just screams Kenny Powers-esque, doesn't it?)

Matt Guerrier (who also didn't get a photoshop, but was a great straight man to the antics of the rest of our bullpen.)

VOTE AT THE RIGHT!

My Arbitration Demands

As the Twins prepare to bicker and dither over the salaries of several key players, I've reviewed our blogging contract and come to the conclusion that my partner Stinky and I are vastly underpaid for the services we provide.

Just look at our stats, gentle reader! Sure our posts per year average dropped last year...but we were in foreign countries for large chunks of time! We can bounce back to good form! Besides, the big stats--drawing new visitors, keeping a high loyalty rate among regular visitors, providing links to other parts of the blogosphere--all of them were stable or improved! Heck, we increased the the number of graphs and charts 400%! Blog readers love statistics! And we love our blog readers!

But, sadly, love don't feed the bulldog, Dottie. If you want us to keep churning out sassy commentary on Twins news we'll need a few things. And while Stinky may have her personal demands, I'd like to state my own contract requests now:

• An annual salary in the low two-figure range
• A no-trade clause that precludes me from being sent to a Yankees blog against my will.
• A puppy (the one at the right will be acceptable)
• Bonus incentives at a rate of 20 gummy worms for every 25 new photoshops I make, maxing out at 100 gummy worms if I create 100 or more.
• At least one comment, at any point in the year, that says: "THAT WAS AWESOME!"

If these requests seem out of line expensive just remember: if Matt Capps is getting 7 Million dollars, aren't my contributions to Twins Territory worth a bag of gummy worms over the year?

But this is not a point-blank demand, I'll happily negotiate and continue writing this blog. But we've got to work together to come up with an equitable solution for us all gang. So please, leave your counter offers in the comments section below.

***Update January 21st

As there's no response yet I'll lower my demands to

• A salary in the low ten-cent range
• The no-trade clause
• A signing bonus of three gummy worms

***Update January 24th

Fine, I give in...I'll keep blogging without a salary and without the no-trade clause...oh, and I found an unattended bag of gummy worms at my office yesterday--so we'll call that good enough

JIM-BO!

Just when it looked like our offseason was frozen in carbonite, ESPN reported that Mr. Jim Thome will be returning to the Twin Cities next year as our designated hitter, veteran clubhouse leader and de facto Paul Bunyan impersonator.

This is great news for us as both Twins fans and snarky bloggers. It not only gives our team a potent right handed bat off the bench and helps us avoid the soul-sucking morass of signing Manny Ramirez or Johnny Damon, but also allows us to pluck the low hanging fruit of ageism. To wit:

• Jim Thome's so old, when he draws a walk, he goes to first base on his rascal
• Jim Thome's so old, he celebrated the Twins playoff berth with a big glass of Ensure.
• Jim Thome's so old, he thought Carl Pohlad was an ornery whippersnapper.

But seriously, I only make those terrible terrible jokes because I am very fond of Mr. Thome, and I show my appreciation through playful mockery rather than overzealous regurgitation of stats and stories. Thanks for choosing us Jim-bo, you're a gentleman, a scholar, and a damn fine hitter if ever there was one. If you take offense to my lame jokes, I will try to be insightful next season...I probably won't be insightful...but I'll try.

Hall of Fame Voting Philosophies--and why they're stupid

While I know it's about a week after the fact, I wanted to write about Hall of Fame voting. Though we Peanuts already made him a Hall of Famer years ago, we have to congratulate Bert Blyleven again on getting into the "official" Hall of Fame. But Bert-Fever's been tempered by a scad of curmudgeons who still believe he doesn'tbelong in the Hall of Fame. Their reasons are varied, but few have to do with his statistics. Now, complaints about Bert are less about his resume and more about the ways in which Bert violates their delicate sensibilities about who should be a "Hall of Famer".

It is those voters, those sensibilities and those complaints that I want to address, by taking a number of their arguments and pointing out the fallacies of such claims. I don't mean to claim that I'm smarter or better than the people who hold to these arguments; I'm just a former/future English teacher (hopefully*) who can't resist the urge to correct the writing of people who can't distinguish personal opinion from genuine reasoning. Below, I've listed their opinions and scrutinized their failings. If you enjoy semantic discourse read on, if not, just appreciate the fact that Bert's in and they can't kick him out now.

1) Bouncer Philosophy--If you weren't a first ballot Hall of Famer, you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some would say that the truly great are obvious and instantly admitted. This allows the Hall of Fame voters to act like bouncers at a happening night club, letting in A-listers with casual coolness and keeping the plebes at bay until those great unwashed stop bothering you or leave. Problem is, real bouncers often have to bear in mind fire code and occasionally ask even the awesomest of the awesome to wait just a tick. Cy Young (you know, the pitcher so good they named the "best pitcher of the year" awards after him) had to wait a year; Rogers Hornsby (one of the best hitters/2nd basemen ever) waited five; Duke Snider (a player frequently compared to Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle) waited eleven. Even bouncers make mistakes.

2) The Omnipotent Writer Philosophy--If I didn't vote for you before, I can't vote for you now, so you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some writers value consistency, and once they vote for someone, they vote that way forever. Unfortunately some people apply the same logic by voting against candidates. Because apparently, if you're a baseball writer, once you develop an opinion it can't change no matter how much thinking you do. This theory drives me nuts, especially when I hear people say: "how can someone who you didn't think was good enough for years, suddenly become good enough?!?!?" Why not ask, "how can you think a movie is better after you watch it a second or third time?" or "How can you change your opinion on _____? What are you some kind of thinking person who thinks?"

3) The Reputation Philosophy--If you didn't "win the big one" or intimidate your enemies you aren't a Hall of Famer:

Some voters believe the the opinions of others are a good basis for their own. If you couldn't win a World Series or a playoff game; if you never won an MVP or Cy Young award; if you didn't have other players cowering in your shadow...well, you clearly suck. Here's the thing though: baseball's a team sport. You can be the greatest hitter of all time, but if your pitcher doesn't throw strikes you're going to lose. You can have an incredible unbelievable season on the mound, but part of the credit for it has to go to the defense that saved you runs and games. And I don't care how fearsome a player is, part of their intimidating nature depends on the situation (Mauer having Denard on base and Morneau hitting behind him). I won't deny that over time the best rise to the top and are rightfully venerated, but reputation alone is not enough to make a judgement.

4) The Wealthy Dowager Philosophy--Nobody lives up to the standards of the past, so to let in the "nearly excellent" would destroy the standards of the Hall of Fame:

I admit I love baseball history and doubt that some inductees are as great as others. (Bert's great, but he's not Sandy Koufax.) But I've never heard anyone say: "I went to the Hall of Fame, and it was okay, but that damned Hack Wilson plaque--just ruined it for me." This isn't the last bastion of Western Civilization, it's the Baseball Hall of Fame, let in who you want, but remember the Hall of Fame existed for decades before you and will exist for decades after. Whenever I hear these opinions I think of Aunt Augusta in The Importance of Being Earnest (like I said, English teacher), dropping her pince nez in disgust and recoiling in horror: "What Mr. Blyleven? Your ERA is 3.31 and you were born in a handbag? A HANDBAG!?!?!?!?!?"

I'm glad we can have these kinds of debates, and gladder still to have some baseball to talk about. Whether you agree with me or not, it's my pleasure to instigate the conversation. So, what do you think?