Happy thoughts

Looking over my tweets and blogs from the first week of the season there's a surprisingly snarky streak to them all. I'd always thought of our little outpost in the Twins blogosphere as a happy place, and yet it seems like the stinktastic 2011 has colored our perspective on the team's early struggles.

For example, on Thursday I turned on the game over lunch, in time to see that the Angels had already run up a 5 run lead. A student came into my room to hear the score and then joined me in a 5 minute commiseration of an already woebegone season. Two hours later, as I took the track team for a work out the Twins had fought back to tie the game. An hour after that, students and teachers and others walking down the street were bouncing along elated at a win, and a win that featured homeruns by Mauer and Morneau no less.

I felt terribly guilty and vowed to be more optimistic for the series against the Rangers (after all, we have some sort of mojo that has bedeviled Texas (and very few others) for two years now) and yet, the more I watched the snarkier I became. 

For instance, while I was quite pleased with the Twins' signing of Ryan Doumit over the offseason (he was switching from my 2nd favorite team--Pittsburgh--to my first after all), I was significantly less impressed as he took a flyball off the gut in the field, and grounded into double plays with a consistency not seen since Delmon Young. 

I bemoaned another injury to a pitcher, pointed out the awkwardness of Chris Parmelee's "bat-drying" technique, I even picked on hapless middle relievers Jared Burton and Matt Maloney for their doofy hipster beards.  Honestly, how could a game that's supposed to be fun turn me into such a crank.

So I'll try to be enjoying the game more freely today as I go to Target Field for the first time. I will not mutter about errant throws, or insinuate that I know more about who to sign than Terry Ryan (the guy has been in baseball longer than I have been alive after all). I won't huff and puff over strike threes or boo one of our own (I doubt that any player hears it and suddenly goes: "OH! They DON'T want me to play like I have been!! Boy do I feel silly!")

I do however reserve the right to tell the Twins to avoid bases loaded situations. In the immortal words of Rebel Leader Admiral Phinneas Q. Ackbar:

Bases loaded and no outs? Looks like they've got us right where they want us

Think happy thoughts everybody!

Deja Vu All Over Again

After three games in Baltimore things look a little grim for the Twins. After last season's stinkfest fans are carefully attuned to the ups and (especially) the downs. So every little foible fels like a harbinger of another doom-tastic year.

Cheer up Charlie...or Lexi...
(Credit Patrick Semansky Tri-City Herald)

Not to encourage the pessimists, but it sure seems like the 2012 Twins are emulating the 2011 Twins as much as possible.

Impotent hitting with Runners on base: CHECK!

Lack of quality starts from the rotation: CHECK!

Goofy errors at the worst possible moment: CHECK!

Flukey injuries to seemingly healthy players: CHECKMATE!!

Unfortunately it doesn't get much easier for the Twins as they embark on a 16 game swing against sure fire playoff contenders: Los Angeles, Texas, New York, Tampa Bay and Boston. If you play like that against Baltimore...well...yikes...

Tomorrow, the Twins' home opener will begin at the same time that I'm taking our High School track team on a long distance slog. And while some might say that watching the Twins and running long distances are exercises in futility, I'll gladly do both because no matter how you feel at the beginning, the middle, or the end, it's the journey that makes it worthwhile.

Opening Day Prediction Time!

It's Opening Day (for the third day in a row!) and as we Peanuts settle in for the first game of the season (after a lunch date over Tibetan food) we thought we should offer a few last tidbits to savor before the game begins.

First, congratulations to the newest member of the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame. We're proud to induct those players who make it fun to watch a Twins game, they don't always need to be the best players, just the ones who help us enjoy it. This year a crowded field led to just one honoree: Michael Cuddyer.

Congratulations Cuddy, and those who voted, please know that other near winners (Thome & Nathan) and not so near winners (Young, Slowey, Kubel and Crain) will be back on the ballot next year along with any other Twins who depart this season.

But now is not the time to fixate on those who are no longer here, now is the time to think about the long season ahead. Clearly, since this is a Twins blog, we are biased. So for impartial analysis we turned to our newest analysts: Sid and Minnie...our pets.

So after much asking and much more flopping on couches here's how the pets see the 2011 MLB race.

AL--as called by Sidney the Dog

Also Rans: Yankees, Orioles, Royals, Mariners, A's, Angels (whenever these teams were mentioned Sid either stared dully out into space or sprawled out trying to sleep...not a good sign)

Juuuust a bit outside: Twins, Blue Jays (He appeared vaguely interested, but that might have been because food was near by)

Playoff Teams: Red Sox, Rays, Indians, Tigers and Rangers (I assumed licking his chops was a sign of excitement, rather than the fact that even he could play better than every Cleveland Indian)

Winner: Tampa Bay Rays--3 WHOLE LICKS!! Congrats, Joe Maddon, you've got the backing of our little mutt.

NL--as called by Minnie the Cat

Also Rans: Mets, Braves Cardinals, Reds, Astros, Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Padres (in each case she was looking down at the ground...just like she does before she vomits up a hairball)

Juuuust a bit outside: Marlins, Nationals, Cubs (she put her head just to one side, as if considering it, then....nah!)

Playoff Teams: Phillies, Brewers, Pirates, Giants, Rockies (Her eyes were up in that hopeful "I'd like more food please!" look cats sometimes get)

Winner: It's hard to know for sure (I skipped all my "Cat Body Language" Courses in college) I'm going to guess that her adoring demeanor after I mentioned the San Francisco Giants makes them her pick to win it all (though the Pirates should savor the fact that she gave you an ear wag).

So our pets predict a Tampa Bay V.s. San Francisco World Series. But at the end of the day, we can all agree that the ultimate winner is adorableness!

Enjoy opening day!

These Season Previews are Not Yet Rated

We really appreciate those intelligent, dedicated Twins bloggers who can analyze the minor league invitees, pick apart pitching motions and scrutinize batting stances until the Twins' prospects for the coming year can be understood by anyone with half-a-brain.

But we aren't those bloggers. 

To us Spring Training is less a time to be studied and obsessed over and more like a trailer for the movie. Unfortunately, it's a trailer that goes on past the end of the average fan's attention span. So, if you've blown off checking out the Twins and Twins analysis until now DON'T WORRY!! We've got you covered with the following trailers! Just check out whichever one best meets your attitude as a fan and you'll be well prepared for the months ahead.

Trailer 1: For Optimists

Trailer 2: For Pessimists

Trailer 3: For Realists

Whether you're an optimist, a pessimist or a realist please vote in our poll at the right to help us know just how the denizens of Twins territory are feeling as the season gets started.

Back at last

The regular season is so close you can taste it, and we Peanuts are back from our long hibernation with our season preview posts. Later in this week we'll post our preview of the Twins season (the optimistic, pessimistic, and realistic points of view) and predictions for the year ahead from the smartest analysts we know.

But first, the reason for the prolonged delay between posts. It turns out that it's easier to post about things when you don't have a full time job to attend to. With Stinky in her cube, and me tapdancing for 80 kids a day there's a lot to get done. So most of our days are filled with the reading of e-mails and essays on personal heroes or meaningful innovations. After work we've got choirs to sing for and track teams to coach and as if that weren't enough, we've just packed up our entire household and moved into a new home.

One thing that comes along with moving is chronicling just how much baseball stuff we have: a piece of Target Field artwork; bobbleheaded Joe Mauer; framed photos of Ty Cobb and Honus Wagner (bought during one of our earliest dates); signed balls; at least five kinds of TC hats and books like Crazy '08, Baseball in the Garden of Eden, The Glory of Their Times and Shoeless Joe. Moving also unearths prized possessions you forgot you had (particularly when your parents want to unload long dormant boxes in their basement).

That's when you discover this:

Yes, that would be a treasure trove of baseball cards, acquired when I was about 5 years old. I was convinced every card would feature a Hall of Famer, a legend in the making. Almost 25 years later I can see a whole lot of Frank DiPino's and Lance Johnson's and very few recognizable anythings. But with the benefit of hindsight I can chuckle at Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams before he had a mullet; Dave Concepcion in his final days; Kevin Seitzer (pre-glory days) and Chris Bosio (sans goggles). But there are a few particular names that stand out:

Clockwise from Top Left: Ron Gant, Mike Socia, Ken Williams, Jamie Moyer

This quartet will get no plaques or plaudits but I can remember them all clear as day. I remember Ron Gant getting pulled losing his balance scampering back to first in the '91 series. I remember Mike Socia winning the '02 series (coming back from his debilitating stint on the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Softball Team). I remember Jamie Moyer making the Rockies last week (and making the Rockies back when he was minor league in the Paleozoic era). And I remember Kenny Williams, not from his playing days, but just from being a nice guy to a punk kid working in PR for a rookie league club in Montana.

Clockwise from Top L: Roy Smalley, Les Straker, Tim Laudner, Chili Davis

Sadly, from my tonnage of cards there were maybe 5 Twins cards, perhaps they were held back from packs after they won the World Series. But in none of my stacks of cards was there a Kirby or a Hrbek, there were two members of the FSN Team in Roy Smalley and Tim Laudner (even if I can't remember them playing a game. There's also a then rookie Les Straeker with his lofty hopes before a DL trip ended his career. And there's Chili Davis three years away from being "my guy" on the '91 Twins. But of all the piles of cards there are only two that really stand out.

TK looks thoroughly managerial here. Chaw shifted off to one side, looking askance at some shenanigan by the dugout. Pondering exactly how to say "shape up or ship out young man"...actually he probably would just say that. With TK's number set to be retired later this year, we are proud to salute him.

Best of all, there's this card of last year's retired number honoree: Bert Aberforce Blyleven. It might be a little better if there was an "I heart to fart" shirt, but as the most decorated and revered player in my baseball card collection we'll settle for his grizzled beard and death stare as some sort of absurdist ploy to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies...and also set up the curve ball.

Now that I've sorted through all these cards, and all the books and all the knick-knacks and doodads that comprise our Twins fandom, it's time to turn our eyes to the field and root root root for the home team. We're glad to be back (and if you are looking for a Danny Cox baseball card...give me a call)

Greatest. Promotional Idea. Ever.

Now that pitchers and catchers have officially reported to Ft. Meyers we can turn off the hot stove and turn on our baseball brains.

My baseball brain would like to offer the Twins the following promotional opportunity. The team recently announced that, for the first time in a decade, there would be no bobblehead give-away day this season. Since the bobbleheads were once a big lure for a team struggling to draw fans, boost attendance and generate revenue to put back into payroll, we need some kind of new event.

SO! We propose that, for one day this year, we turn Target Field into: Twinton Abbey!

This is made possible by the Pohlad Charitable Trust and Fans like You

Thrill at the drama as Lord Gardenhire tries to navigate the tumultuous world of the American League; Swoon as heir to all Twins Territory, Joe Mauer, mulls whether or not he can accept these responsibilities and the love of a good woman; Laugh at the lastest zinger from the Dowager Count Terry Ryan! ("Don't be a defeatist dear; it's so middle class, we might as well live in Oakland!")

We could have fans play the servants and mow the grass/fill the gatorade jug before the game. Dick and Bert could call the whole thing in a British accent. And after the game, season-ticket holders can have a formal dinner with the players at which something shocking is announced (war; engagement; end-of-war; trade of Matt Capps; end-of-engagement; Spanish-flu outbreak, etc).

Given the wild popularity of the show, baseball's inherent fondness for "turn-back-the-clock" type promotions, and the fact that PBS has been guilting people into giving them money for decades this is a no-brainer! Easy money for the Twins and pure hilarity for the fans.

Twins officials: I await your phone call!

Closing Arguments

In case you haven't noticed; there is a poll available at the right side of this screen that invites you to vote for the next members of the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame.

This is not a Hall of Fame for the greatest Twins players in history--just as this is not the greatest blog in Twins history--instead this Hall of Fame aspires to be what we aspire to be: a place for the fun, the quirky and the things that make you laugh and smile while watching a game. Our first inductee was the master of farts Bert Blyleven, then hyperactive center-fielder/puppy personified Carlos Gomez, then the dictionary definition of scrappiness Nick Punto.

Today we have nine nominees vying for election...it takes 75% to get elected (or at least the top vote getter) and 10% to stay on the ballot for next year. And since the most entertaining thing that has been on this winter (other than Downton Abbey, obviously)  has been the spirited exchange of ideas/interminable car wreck of political aspirations known as the Republican Presidential Debates--we thought we'd give each candidate a chance to make their final case for enshrinement. Consider their claims and cast your ballot at the right--only 4 days left to vote! Make them count!

Jesse Crain 

(the only returning candidate from last year)

I believe that the reasons I would make a good Hall of Famer can be best summarized through a detailed analysis of the inter-related ideas of existentialist philosophers like Viktor Frankl and Austrian economist Friedrich Hayek, you see following the inhuman betrayal of our shared human values...[5 minutes later]...leaving the only possible explanation for both the meaning of life and the reason for a limited government: my excellent slider! Thank you.

Jim Thome

I never tried to make lofty, absurd promises to Twins Territory, I just spoke softly and carried a big stick that hit big homeruns. The citizens of Twins Territory don't need promises, they need a calm, steady, potato-ish presence in the line up, I did that proudly for two years. I even walked around with a big blue ox, because hey, I figured y'all would like it. If elected to the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame, I will be polite, dignified and hit home runs...you're welcome.

Delmon Young

You people never thought I'd do the things I did, but I always surprised you! Just when it looked like a ball would fly over my head for a devastating double, I'd randomly decide to leap and find the thing! Just when it looked like I'd catch the ball for an inning ending out, I'd lose it in the sun or the roof, or a cloud! Admit it, you could never predict what I'd do next! I'd always leave you guessing! What's more exciting than having that: EVERY SINGLE BALLGAME!! Elect me to the Peanuts Hall of Fame and who knows what I'll do? Ground into a double play? Try to leg out a triple? Establish a colony on the moon? WHO KNOWS?!? ELECT ME AND FIND OUT!!!

Joe Nathan

BLAGHERAGHERAGHERAGH!!!! STRIKEOUTS! GERAAAAGHHERAGAAAAAGGA!!! WINNING!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGH!!! VOTE JOE!!! BLARK!!!

This may be our last chance to refer to Dread Pirate Joe Nathan
We had to take it

Kevin Slowey

I know a little something about entertainment, and I know a little something about job creation. I provided you fans with countless games of entertainment, when I found a good pitching groove and suddenly turned in 7 or 8 innings of near total domination--that was entertaining. When I didn't, and I left after 3 or 5 innings in total confusion and disarray--well, I was just making sure that our bullpen guys had opportunities to prove themselves. Otherwise they'd be without big league contracts, and salaries, and their kids would suffer and the backbone of our society (middle relievers) would collapse! You wouldn't want that to happen would you? Of course not...so, that's why you should vote for me...I'm entertaining, and I'm doing my part to make pitching staffs strong again for ourselves, and our children.

Jose Mijares

I did three things that make me worth of being a Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Famer. I threw the ball really hard. I didn't sue when these bloggers photoshopped my head on a Princess drawing. And, uhh...uhh....oops.

Jason Kubel

Sure, I could tell you why I deserve election, but look at these other candidates! Kevin Slowey talks about putting relievers to work, but he single handedly put Boof Bonser out of a job! (What about Boof?!?) And Delmon Young? He's a serial flip-flopper: "I'll catch the ball. I won't catch the ball. I'll hit the ball. I won't ever hit the ball." How do we know the real Delmon Young is here? And I think that Joe Nathan is a secret african pirate who tried to turn Twins Territory into a socialist society where fluttering your lips replaced English as the national language!* I'm Jason Kubel, and I play baseball...vote for me!

*This message paid for by Smirking For America

Jim Hoey

Umm...I'm just gonna leave...

Michael Cuddyer

Sure, I could tell you about the all-star appearance, the charity work, the strong arm in right field, the steady professional hitting, the magic tricks, the ability to play any position Gardy asked me. But I think you're all sick of campaigning, and besides, isn't this enough? [Smiles, a soft *ping* is heard, everyone is happy]

So there you go, the choice is yours Twins fans; cast your votes in the poll (for as many as you like) and we'll photoshop the winning plaques by opening day!