Chairman Mau-er Conquers First Base

Supreme Chairman Mauer Conquers First Base

"All is...uh...good" Glorious Leader Announces

Fort Kelly, TT

Following our secession from the United States of America last October the wonderful nation of Twins Territory has been savoring the sweet nectar of freedom bestowed upon us by our one and only glorious leader: Joeseph Mauer.

While the Supreme Chairman surprised many by announcing his transition from the position of "Catcher of All Furious Projectiles That Endanger Our Safety" to "First Guardian Against Infiltrating Base Runners", the change has been an unequivocal success.

"Our enemies may claim that I am a, uh, you know...tyrant," reported his eminence from the southern military strong hold where he is leading training drills. "But, Twins Territory is proud to be a democracy where all those selected to shoulder the burdensome honor of leadership can, ummmm, select those who are best for our nation, and stuff."

Our marvelous minister of all things good and decent has continued his reign of beneficence and generosity by sharing his knowledge with the heirs to his title while simultaneously adapting to his new position of prominence on the basepaths. Reported Field Marshal Gardenhire, "he's learning a lot out there, you know with [Field Marshal Emeritus] TK and [Chief Instructor of Scrapitude] Paul-ie and [Grand Poobah of Pabst Blue Ribbon] Hrbie. It's gonna be real good."

Some of the embittered and jaded citizens of Twins Territory may claim that this is merely propaganda for the regime, such criticism is unwarranted and merely serves to comfort our rivals. Should you know of anyone who doubts the power of our Premier Potentate, you need only direct their gaze to the glory of his regal visage, shining like a beacon of safety and security.

As Supereme Chairman Mauer has himself said, "All is...uh...good, you know. I feel pretty good, and you know, all glory to the citizens of Twins Territory."

Adopt a Prospect #3: Battle of the Beards

It's a frightening time for Luis Perdomo (and his beard). With all the young college relievers getting drafted and signed up with the Twins, long standing vets like Perdomo had better prove their worth quickly or else they'll find themselves looking for work elsewhere.

Meanwhile for the beard feared throughout New Britain there's the troubling development out of Oklahoma City. Yes, there's a new, hip, threatening beard loose in the world of sports: the mighty muzzle of James Harden.

But is Harden's hirsute chin chafer any mach for Perdomo's prickly scrap saver? (Is there any way I can work in some more aliteration?) Let's go to the tale of the tape for the two mighty beards.

                                                               

James Harden's Beard                                                Luis Perdomo's Beard
"The Ogre of OKC"                                                   "The Beast of New Britain"

Experience: 3 Years                                                      Experience: 6 Years
Length: appox. 5 inches                                                Length: appox. 3 inches
Intimidation Rating:  7.5 Norisses                                 Intimidation Rating: 7.3 Norisses
#of Cheeze Its lost inside: 11                                        # of Cheese Its lost inside: 13
Media Exposure: 11.6 Million (TV)                        Media Exposure: 14 zipcodes (Paper)
Recent Victims: Tim Duncan's graying grizzle             Recent Victims: The Erie SeaWolves
Conceals: Blueprints for silky layups                      Conceals: An extra 4 MPH on fastball
Biggest Fans: ESPN Anchors                                       Biggest Fans: Me (Sorry Luis...)
Award: Most Valuable Beard ('11-12)                 Award: Carolina League All-Scruff Team ('08)
Odds Beard gains sentience: 13:2                                 Odds Beard gains sentience: 3:1

Unfortunately it looks like the Ogre beats the beast in the eyes of millions (especially given Luis' recent sloppy outings), but to we few, foolish, Twins followers will keep touting the Power of Perdomo regardless of recent results.

The Most Magical Winter Meetings Ever!

On Sunday I provided my annual predictions for what the Twins would do at the Winter Meetings. Today I provide my annual recap of the Twins activity during the Winter Meetings using the only journalistic skill I have....a fevered imagination laced with pop culture references.* (For previous years of examples click here or here)

MONDAY:

10:55 AM--Upon hearing the announcement that George Steinbrenner was not elected to the Hall of Fame, the entire Twins front office sheds a collective tear of gratitude that Bert Blyleven's (hopeful) induction to Cooperstown will not be overshadowed by legions of Yankee fans paying homage to a multi-billionaire.

4:10 PM--The Pohlad family offers Cliff Lee eight thousand lakes over seven years. They are turned down.

8:21 PM--Team officials have a dinner meeting with the agents for Japanese infielder Tsuyoshi Nishioka regarding a potential contract for the next three seasons, but nearly ruin their chances by failing the oh so crucial business card exchange at the beginning of the meeting.

10:56 PM--In a desperate attempt to save the potentially disastrous negotiations, a slightly tipsy GM Bill Smith commandeers a local karaoke machine and delivers an soul stirring rendition of Cee Lo Green's "F*** You!".

11:00 PM--Even though he hates the cultural stereotype, Nishioka and his agents can't resist Cee Lo Green, and hop up on stage to join Smith in an encore. (Meetings are described as "productive")

TUESDAY:

5:12 AM--In an effort to beat the crowds, Smith and his deputies stand outside the gates to the Magic Kingdom in order to get on all the cool rides first.

11:42 AM--Tiring after their ninth roller coaster, Smith wonders if four prospects and all day ride passes would be enough to get Royals Pitcher Zack Grienke in a trade.

11:43 AM--Smith sees "Buzz Lightyear's SpaceRanger Spin" and wisely holds on to his most valuable assets.

7:20 PM--To make a good day even better Smith picks up the 6th Season of Lost on DVD from a "Discount Bin" in one of the many Disney stores ("C'mon," Smith is heard to remark "the finale wasn't that bad!")

WEDNESDAY:

3:01 AM--Halfway through rewatching the final season of Lost, Smith regrets ever letting go of Matt Fox.

7:17 AM--In an attempt to get over the loss of Matt Fox, Smith goes through an address book full of old, often injured pitchers hoping to impress one of them with his knowledge of Lost.

12:23 PM--After Octavio Dotel, Rich Harden, Brandon Webb, and Chris Young greet his theorizing with awkward silence, Smith drowns his sorrows in appletinis with Nick Punto (for old time's sake).

5:58 PM--After a few too many appletinis Smith offers Carl Pavano a two year contract worth $20 Million, and offers Carl Pavano's mustache a 3 year contract worth $36 million.

9:14 PM--Despite an impassioned argument by his mustache, Pavano decides to wait for a better deal.

THURSDAY:

6:26 AM--After Orioles GM Lee McPhail bogarts the bacon bucket at the hotel's make-your-own omelette station, Smith agrees to trade JJ Hardy to the Orioles in exchange for two relief pitchers, the bacon bucket and three kinds of cheese.

10:38 AM--While packing up for the flight home a Twins official trips over long ago misplaced infielder Brendan Harris. Having filled all their suitcases the Twins have no alternative but to include Harris in the trade with the Orioles.

*Please note: All depictions of Bill Smith in this post are made out of affection for his acumen, the belief that he can take a joke, and jealousy of the fact that he is far smarter than I am.

Canuck Heads v.s. Clutch Hair

Today's game was another battle between forces of good and evil. In the evil corner you have the Toronto Blue Jays, a team determined to reach new levels of foreign jerkitude. They have been eliminated from the playoffs for a month, but continue to insist on trying to win games (you don't see the Dodgers or Mariners doing that!). What's more, as the lone representatives of Canada in Major League Baseball, they do a great disservice to the noble people of the great white north by ignoring the Canadian value of fairness. By hitting a crapload* of home runs against a team that can't hit any in the cold Minnesota air this team has sullied the mighty maple leaf!

*Here's a helpful metric conversion for our readers in foreign lands: a crapload is equal to approximately 24 hogsheads.

In the corner of good was, as usual, the Minnesota Twins. And once again it would not be easy, what with many of our regular players nursing injuries and our pitchers battling stinkitude. Sure enough, held to one run through 4 innings, it wasn't promising. Having our starter waver, wasn't comforting and given the bullpen's experiments in stinkitude recently (all relievers wanna be like starters, ya know) good seemed to be doomed.

A Delmon double to start the 9th? Promising. Mauer and Valencia pop-flies to put us on the brink of disaster? Not so much. (Sidebar: Danny V. We like you, and the home runs you hit, but sometimes base hits are just as cool as homers, so, relax a little okay young fella?) Then Jason Kubel walked (because Running is Stupid), and our beloved Jose "Aquapig" Morales did the same leading to "Sexi" 'Lexi Casilla: who compensates for below-average hitting with above-average facial hair.

Why does that facial hair matter? Think about it man, at crucial moments in the history of our world, great hair has provided the critical boost to those who defend us all from encroaching evil. Samson, Ulysses S. Grant, and today: Alexi Casilla. Huzzah for the forces of good, and huzzah for the power of great hair*!

*Note: In case Alexi Casilla won the game due to his own athletic prowess, we reserve the right to call on the power of great hair again this postseason.