Know Thine Enemy '09: The Chicago White Sox

Shocking--I know, but I have some how NOT written an enemies post about the Chicago White Sox this year, and given the tumultuous pleas from you loyal readers I must needs write this, even if we only have two more games at the dome against the pale hosers of the Windy City.

Reasons we should bust a cap in Chicago's collective asses as our breath rises through the cold Minnesota winter and the warm smokey steel of our glocks burns through our mittens

1. It's what we do: There are only a few things that seem to happen every year. Gardy always goes ballistic in Kansas City. We can never do anything in New York City. Joe Mauer's side burns offer an effective source of warmth to needy Twins Cities families. AND The White Sox cannot win when they come to the dome (of course, we can rarely win when we go to Chicago--but I digress). We drive them utterly insane, we get all the breaks and they are left shaking their whiney little heads in dismay. Hooray. *33 Loathing Points*
2. Last year: As awesome as it is to win against the White Sox here, it was painful to not win against them in last year's one game playoff. It was even more painful to see them get swept by the Rays in the first round...I mean, c'mon! We could have done that!! It was a close game that we should have won and might have won if we'd played in Minnesota, it all felt vaguely unfair, and so, when they suffered defeat it was bitter-sweet--like baker's chocolate--only not when it's baked. *42 Loathing Points*
3. It's what we need to do: We've only got so many games left, and while both Stinky and I are quite sure that any trip to the post season would be short-lived, it would be nice to stick it in the faces of all those big market, big budget teams (I'm looking in your directions South Siders/MoTowners.) So it's victories we need, and what better victories to get than victories over our rival White Sox. *29 Loathing Points*
4. It'll make Chris Clark vaguely upset: If there is one White Sox fan whose existence we are actually dependent upon it is Christophe Clark. (I did not misspell that, his name is Cristophe--it's Swiss...punk.) He studied with us, laughs with us, jokes with us, has a link on his browser that titles this very site as his "favorite blog". He is, in short, our homie. So he ought to feel pain. *1 Loathing Point*

Reasons we should polite introduce a cap into the buttockal regions of the White Sox through genial conversation and perhaps some sort of tea party.

1. It's not nice to be mean to your friends: fine, Fine, FINE, Christophe! We won't make you feel (too much) pain *-1 Loathing Point*
2. Ozzie: Mr. Guillen is our biggest fan, and our greatest rival. He loves the Twins, thinks we play baseball the right way, calls his players losers and wishes he could have more players like the Twins have. He's also in the middle of managing a collapsing team to a less than cool finish--which means his job may be in jeopardy, which means he might be available to be hired in the off-season, which means, perhaps, the greatest buddy sitcom of ALL TIME!!!!! We shall call it "Ozzie and the Gnome" and it will be the compelling story of two rival baseball managers, trying to coexist in THE SAME DUGOUT!!! Tune in for the laughs, the cheers, the tears, the obscenity laced tirades as Ozzie and the Gnome strike out on an adventure as big as Major League Baseball, and as Epic as your imagination! OZZIE AND THE GNOME: Coming this fall to FOX!!.........oh, god, I'm sorry, so, should this make them more or less of an enemy? It's kind of a tossup, but I'll throw it in here with a scant: *-1 Loathing Point*
3. Mr. President: If you love America, you'll love the president's baseball team.....Okay, not really...but he somehow makes them less offensive than George W. made the Rangers, don't ask me how...*-4 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-O-Meter Rating: 99 Loathing Points

(+8 From Last Year)

Punishment: Being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to my feeble attempts to write the theme song for "Ozzie and the Gnome"

A little whimsey goes a long way....

... because somehow, I'm convinced that the power of Sargeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club band made us win that game. Don't ask me how - these things are not meant to be understood.

I was watching the game at my local Lifetime Fitness (side note - I hate Lifetime Fitness. I also hate the middle-aged women who keep changing the channel because they would rather watch Oprah. Screw you, woman. Watch a different TV there are only about 8,000 of them in the cardio room).

Then when I got home and checked the final score, lo and behold we won! Nicky P saves the day again.

Another side note: grad school has been eating my life, so Scruffy has been doing an inordinate share of holding down the fort. Hopefully things will get better once orientation is over. I don't know why I'd expect that since the end of orientation signals the beginning of homework, but there's really nothing more exhausting than sitting in a lecture hall for 10 hours straight every day. I actually chose to go to Yoga on Friday instead of the ball game, just because I didn't want to sit anymore. True story. Maybe I'm a bad fan... :(

Other thoughts: Rich Harden would be great. Giving up guys like Jose Morales and Ben Revere to get Rich Harden might not be so great.

Thoughts?

A very special edition of the Lonely Hits Club Band

JUSTIN MCNEAU: We welcome everyone to our very special mid-game show,

BRENDAN HARRISSON: Bored as we are when facing the non-descript, terminally bland Texas Rangers, we thought we'd inject a little whimsy to the proceedings with an edition of Sargeant Gardy's Lonely Hit's Club Band

CARLOS RINGOMEZ: I AM THE EGGMAN!!!!!!!!!

JUSTIN MCNEAU: Exactly, Carlos. Anyway, as the Knitting Queen so rightly pointed out to our intrepid bloggers today: we just don't seem to have any magic going for us, which might be why we will have trouble winning a spot in the playoffs

BRENDAN HARRISSON: Well, that and the fact that we offended the Egyptian god of Evil: Set.

CARLOS RINGOMEZ: BUT I AM THE WALRUS!!!!!

JUSTIN MCNEAU: Perhaps, Carlos, but that doesn't mean that Eggmen and Walrii will be welcome in the post season, let's ask Denard Spannon for his thoughts. Denard?

DENARD SPANNON: [Staring at spatted sunflower seeds on the dugout floor in abject dismay] Huh...what?

JUSTIN MCNEAU: Your opinion on things...[Denard says nothing]...your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions? [Denard says nothing] C'mon Denard, we're having fun! You always love this! It's your chance to tell me what a terrible person I am.

BRENDAN HARRISSON: And what a bland unimaginative lemming I am.

CARLOS RINGOMEZ: And to talk to me about being high on life!

DENARD SPANNON: Didn't you guys see me screw up that play today? Joe hits a line drive that should have landed, but they catch it...and...throw me out...and...I was standing at home thinking I'd scored...and...and [sobs uncontrollably]

[MCNEAU looks at HARRISSON and RINGOMEZ and then stares out at the Texas Rangers in their smug self-righteous ways...slowly his majestic Candian chin sets itself in a noble repose and he announces to his colleagues]

MCNEAU: You're forgetting one thing Denard...

SPANNON: [sniffle] What? [Sniffle]

MCNEAU: We're Sargeant Gardy's Lonely Hit's Club Band!!! [McNeau promptly singles]

RINGOMEZ: We have a Rock Band game coming out!! [Ringomez goes in to run for Jason Kubel]

HARISSON: We've all been knighted by the British Monarch of our minds! [Harrisson singles home McNeau to tie the game--and McNeau reenters the dugout to comfort Denard]

MCNEAU: We're practically bigger than JESUS! [Denard, still not in character, looks daggers at McNeau, as Carlos Ringomez slides home safely to take the lead and the Metrodome erupts]

RINGOMEZ: COO-COO-CA-CHOO!!! COO-COO-CA-CHOOO!!!!!!

[Suddenly the clouds over Denard's face part and he unleashes his smile and begins the great cry of triumph throughout Twins Territory]

SPANNON: COO-COO-CA-CHOO!! COO-COO-CA-CHOO!!!

"Coo-coo-ca-choo" indeed...truer words have never been spoken

Good news/Bad news

Good news: we're playing better

Bad news: Detroit's still playing pretty good

Good news: Detroit lost today!

Bad news: So did we

Good news: Bill Smith seems to have found his groove-thang

Bad News: Actually...that's just good news...

Bill Smith, lonely man about town with a dejected glint in his eye and a massive inferiority of payroll complex has suddenly decided to wheel and deal his way into our hearts by picking up two new relievers who managed to help keep the Rangers off the board tonight (until Pretty Princess Jose Mijares, gave up the homer to Rodriguez--but we weren't scoring anyway so...meh)

In one day he picked up TWO whole players! Ron Mayhay and John Rauch for a combined cost of somebody who will likely NOT be in the major leagues and Ron Coomer's donut money. This is good...more relief is good...more pitchers to cover the remaining five innings that our starters fail to throw is very very very good.

Of course, the phrase: "the opponents don't have a chance know because here comes Ron Mayhay/John Rauch" has never been uttered...but hopefully we will be the first.

Welcome fellows...now please set about winning us a game.

How this blog prepared me for Grad School...

As Kristina and I begin our transitions into serious academia again (as Business and Education Masters students, respectfully) there's a lot to readjust to: note taking, speed reading, APA Format, etc. etc. And as difficult as all that is, we also want to cater to you our blog loving public (all 4 of you)

But when the vast majority of your studies and acquired knowledge have been random stats, history and absurdist allusions to the glory of the Minnesota Twins for a full year: the syllabus can seem daunting.

Until you encounter some old familiar friends...

Remember Set? God of Evil? Multi-headed Beast? Destroyer of Souls? Devourer of Playoff Hopes? Creator of Reality TV? You know--This guy:

Turns out, Set is a principle character in what may be the oldest dramatic text in human history! (If you believe that the Egyptian religious ceremonies that may have dated back as far as 3000 BCE can technically be defined as theatre, and that they remained consistently performed for 2200 years--and let's say that you do)

In this play Set, the violent and destructive god of Evil has k

illed Osiris, the kind and benevolent figure of hope, prosperity and a glorious future. HOWEVER! Osiris son, Horus, avenges this death, restoring hope, prosperity and a glorious future to the people of Egypt, by "holding fast", "felling," "crushing," "annhilating," "cutting to pieces" and "cutting up" Set when Set is in the form of a Hippopatomus, with the help of deamons with names like: "Death-in-his-face-Loud-Screamer," and "Fiery-Face-Who-Brings-in-the-Mutilated".

In short--evil is vanquished, hope is restored, and Egypt is reunited under a banner of excellence and divinity. NOT UNLIKE the last 9 games for the twins (win 7, lose two...and suddenly things seem more possible).

So, yes, Grad School is hard, and yes, Kristina and I will make more limited posts in the coming weeks--but rest assured the Twins and their battles against the forces of evil in the name of Horus the great will always be in our minds, and in our hearts.

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Texas Rangers

Reasons we should crush, annhilate and cut up the Rangers as ancient Egyptians cut up Hippopatomi to pay homage to the Great God Horus

1. Our critical figures: After we played the Rangers the first time, terrible, horrible, no good very bad things happened. After we played them the second time, wonderful excellent delightfully magical things happened. They have an intense effect upon us--let us hope for a repeat of the second thing. *9 Loathing Points*
2. WE'RE THE PLUCKY ONES!!: Every year there's a team whose rejuvenation is a source of inspiration to multitudes of baseball fans. Rays & Brewers, Rockies & Indians, Tigers, Astros, Marlins, Royals, whatever...This year it's the Rangers--which is fine--except for the fact that we are always there too...and we don't get the same respect. *28 Loathing Points*
3. Ron Washington--Gardy Enemy #1: Speaking of the whole plucky thing. Every year Gardy keeps us over .500 with spit and duct tape, and every year a flash in the pan manager with sudden success beats him to Manager of the Year...this year it looks like Ron Washington will win that title. While he's probably a nice man, he's the wrong Ron. *41 Loathing Points*

Reasons to just bore the bejeesus out of the Rangers like ancient historicaly play texts bore me.

1. It's in our best interests: Okay--right now we're just starting to get back into the playoff race--IF we can stay in it (which we probably can't) we would be the worst division winner to go...which means we would play either the winner of the AL East (Yankees) or the AL West (Angels). BUT! IF the Rangers pass the Angels, AND the Angels stay ahead of the Red Sox THEN! We would play the Rangers in the first round! And we could win for sure then!! Also...THEN the curvature of the earth would change, a seismic whole would open up around lake Michigan, Ohio and Minnesota would suddenly be next to eachother and I could come home to see the people I love and watch playoff games!!! *-1 point--for sheer fantastical beauty*
2. Cesspool on the Potomac: as our fellow franchise in exile from Washington we're happy to share an alumnus relationship with the Rangers, and will be happy to share that with the Nationals in 15 years when they move to Havana. *-16 Loathing Points*
3. Bert: He was a Ranger once upon a time. *-27 Loathing Points*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 34 Loathing Points

(+3 from last year)

Punishment: All Country Music Stations are Now 24-Hour-a-Day Enya stations)

Know Thine Enemy '09: The Baltimore Orioles

Reasons we should obliterate the Orioles like the first day of grad school obliterates preconceived notions of how easy this was all going to be.

1. We haven't beaten them yet: Shocking, but true. We got stuck in Baltimore on a rainy week in May. Were forced to play one game through a monsoon, and were so mad that we stank the net day too. This shall not stand! *18 Loathing Points*
2. Separate and Unequal: It's not 1930 era school houses--it's the schedule of the Twins in comparison with our Central Division Rivals (spare me the malarky about how we have an easier schedule now, consider this). We play the Orioles, woeful and miserable as they are a mere 5 times...The Tigers get 8 games against the hapless Orioles--The White Sox get them 9 times! That's basically 3-4 games where we have to play someone better than the White Sox and Tigers do--FOUL I SAY!!! *22 Loathing Points*
3. Bye Bye Birdie: What the hell is up with the birds on the logo? I mean, we just have letters...and when we're feeling ironic two muscly guys shaking hands over a river. The Orioles? The Orioles have 15 different kinds of their little bird guy. If Mad Men has taught me nothing else in the last three weeks it's to wait for an ideal concept, then wait a little while longer for it to be perfect. Then, you're golden! *14 Loathing Points*

Reasons we should quietly persevere over the Orioles in a way to make all other Grad students proud:

1. Frank Robinson: Classy guy--Member of the Alternate Reality Twins *-21 Loathing Points*
2. Didn't we just do this?: This weekend we whupped the Royals, which was nice, but they are the worst team in the American League. Now we play the Orioles, and whupping them would also be nice....but they are the second worst team in the American League. HOWEVER! Since we have not won many games recently, we won't be picky, just slightly disengaged. *-1 Loathing Point*

Final Loathe-o-Meter Rating: 32 Loathing Points

(+20 from last year)

Punishment: Read Michel De Certeau's "Writing of History" cover to cover, by tomorrow and have a 3 page paper written in sanskrit by Wednesday!

*Side note, in case you are (as I am) irate about uneven schedules, perhaps you might like to peruse a totally unfeasible alternative presented by ESPN....it makes sense--but of course, the number of institutional changes that have occurred as a result of some guy talking about it on some sports show is zero. But still...intriguing.

**Side, side note--Stinky is at the game tonight, so I will cede bloggering duties to her, Go Twins!!