You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Optimistic

As busy and occasionally frantic as I am at this point of the school year, I always make time to track the Twins' scores. Sometimes it's a quick peek at last night's result, sometimes it's a giddy highlight reel review, sometimes it's a flipping through radio channels hoping to hear details and analyses. Even in the depths of the team's worst crap-itude, it's nice to have that brief check in as part of the day.

But of course, I prefer it when they're winning. Probably too much so. And it has not escaped my attention that the Twins are at .500 right now, nor that they are one game behind the 2nd Wild Card spot. This, while nice, is also dangerous. Unless the Twins I expected at the start of the year (you know, the woeful-pitching, incompetent-hitting, bad-luck-bedeviled, please-god-let-us-only-lose-89-games-this-year Twins we were all expecting) turn up soon, I may actually become optimistic.

So I try to keep myself calm by slowly negating all the positives of the team so far this year:

1. We're more patient! With a .335 OBP that has us ranked 2nd in the AL. Yeah, but...a lot of that has to do with the pitching the team is facing. And the more pitchers realize that they're pitching to Aaron Hicks and Eduardo Escobar rather than Denard Span and JJ Hardy, they're more likely to attack, so that will drop and soon.
2. The pitching doesn't totally suck this year! Yeah, but...it would be kind of amazing if they were worse than they had been lately. The starters are the third worst in the league at allowing runs, and the bull pen has the second most lost leads in the whole league. So hold on hard to Phil Hughes while he lasts, it won't stick around.
3. They don't quit, and we actually have some clutch hitting this year! Yeah, but...clutch play isn't a real thing, just like "grit", and "stick-to-it-iveness" aren't things. Besides they are below average at driving in or advancing runners in scoring position with less than 2 outs...if you can't do that, and you get lucky enough with two outs, then whoop-de-dang-doo.
4. We've made do despite a bunch of injuries! Yeah, but...only for six weeks. It's real nice that Jason Kubel hasn't been a disaster, and Chris Colabello's been heart warming, and Casey Fien/Brian Duensing have effectively shut down others, and Kurt Suzuki has been strangely effective. But none of them have a track record that bodes well for the long term; worse still, the minor league calvary (Misters Buxton, Sano, Arcia, Rosario et al) are in varying degrees of pain and unlikely to save the day any time soon.
5. We've held tough against the best teams in the league! Yeah, but...uh, wait, really? Yeah we have a winning record against the AL East and the Tigers. But umm, interleague... Yankees...oh screw it...

Cliff Notes to the 2014 Twins: "The Cruelest Month"

We know how it is. Life is busy: with work and family and social engagements, there are a lot of demands on your time. So, if you've missed some developments in the first month of the season, you're perfectly normal. Missing baseball games is not unlike missing reading assignments for school, so we're happy to provide this series of Cliff Notes to summarize, explain and analyze the story that is the 2014 Twins Season.

"Chapter I: April"

Summary: At the beginning of the season, the Twins are a team in the doldrums of an interminable struggle for meaning and purpose, like the Joads on the road to California, the Crachit's on December 23rd, or the Kardashians...anytime. As they take the field for the first time in a cold and forbidding Chicago, there are few notes of spring (a symbol of hope) to be found. 

While an initial flurry of subpar performances and predictable defeats confirm that perception, there are some causes for optimism. One impressive pitcher and three solid hitters offer the sense that younger, less experienced players possess a kind of indefatigable patience and ethic that renews the spirits of weary souls. Soon, jaded on lookers are speaking in positive tones, and the initially laughable albatross of the manager's "1,000 Victory" humidor is forgotten.

Yet uncertainty pervades the atmosphere, will these younger talents maintain their performance or flame out like those common symbols of youthful exuberance in literature: foolhardy soldiers and mid-90s boy-bands? Will older veterans act on the model set by their juniors, or lapse into old habits?

Notable Characters:

Kyle Gibson--long standing Twins prospect, recovered from initial struggles in the previous year to post the best season of the major league starters

Brian Dozier--Southern gentleman second baseman with inexplicable, and heretofore unknown strength.

Chris Colabello--a journeyman, young by world standards, old within the context of his career, leading a charmed existence.

Josmil Pinto--The third potent hitter, very much in the "quiet giant" genre of characters.

Ron Gardenhire--The wise teacher/sensei/jedi master trope, only with less inventive nicknames

Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins--Two of the wearily-souled veterans, capable but worn by the past. They do not perform much in this chapter, but are likely to factor more prominently as the book progresses

Mike Pelfry--While the novel lacks an antagonist, Pelfry serves as its foil and counterpoint. Every strong outing from Gibson, every hit from the sluggers is balanced by his ongoing collapse, balancing the new life of the season and players with a "memento mori"--or death omen.

Key Quotes Explained:

Team On Base Percentage .353 (#1 in the American League)--The statistic combining both hits (traditionally a Twins strength) and walks (a new focus) demonstrates the growth and development of the team as they grow into a more patient, mature team.

Team ERA for Starters: 6.08 (#15 in American League)--Despite one pitcher's success, the team continues to flounder in this particular area--the ominous presence of Pelfry has particular relevance here.

A Literary Device to Impress Your Teacher/attractive English Major Friends:

Bildungsroman--This is the term for a novel that covers the moral or mental growth of its main character (in this case the Twins), or as people less fond of German might say it "a-coming-of-age-story". At this point in the season, the Twins of 2014 very much resemble a bildungsroman, both in the development and maturation of younger players (Gibson, Dozier, Josmil), inexperienced players (Colabello), and in team philosophy (increasing the walk rate and on base percentage). However, it is notable that the bildungsroman motif must be maintained for an extended time period--and a single chapter may be a little early to make that decision.

Why I'll Always Come Back

Copyright Betsy Bissen

It hasn't been easy being a Twins fan the last few years (though if you're committed enough to the team to find my little corner of the blogosphere, I hardly need tell you that).

It's been even less easy to be a positive Twins blogger, to dedicate time and energy to finding the silver linings in a team that often looks outmatched in almost every facet of the game. My writing life would be easier, and probably more pleasant, if I could just sign off from the blog, let it wither and dry up like the husk of so many other abandoned websites in internet ghost towns, and find something else to occupy my time.

But I keep coming back. I can't seem to stop. No matter how long I go between posts, I keep turning up to write something. Just like I keep turning up at Target Field to see something, anything that resembles baseball.

My father-in-law, the Gouger, had tickets for last night, and I was, as ever, excited to go. But with Mrs. Peanut off in Los Angeles studying to become a yoga teacher, my Parental Units (Mr. No-Ass and The Knitting Queen) in a jet lag stupor after a 40th anniversary trip to Barcelona, my little brother exploiting his fraternity, and my best dude friend on a date, it was just the pair of us. Weaving our way through a packed downtown, we were both grimly aware that the Twins, these Twins, were as likely to provide an evening's entertainment as the stand-up comedy stylings of Joe Mauer. ("Hey, have you ever noticed how things are...you know...things?")

Heading down to Target Field plaza, we saw a mother shepherding a pair of logo-bedecked boys into an elevator. The boys were glowing with excitement, all smiles and bouncing knees. Gouger asked "are the Twins going to win tonight?" The littlest boy replied "YEAH!!" with the kind of absolute certainty that you only hear in children and religious fundamentalists. We could have shaken our heads, or muttered something, but instead we high-fived, and cheered and headed on to the gates.

Tasty

Since we arrived an hour early (preemptive parking before the Wolves and Twins fans descended en masse), I actually had time to peruse the clubhouse store, and all the food offerings I wanted. Part of me always thinks that, as fun as baseball can be, working in baseball (or at least in a baseball stadium) could leave you tired and dismissive. And yet I found myself hearing cheery recommendations from the beer vendor (Day Tripper APA: solid and satisfying after a long week), getting sincere service from the food vendors and sharing jokes and memories with clubhouse store cashiers. Everyone had a smile on their face, everyone seemed excited to see you, and more than willing to pause their work to appreciate a little sunshine and the promise of baseball ahead.

So hopeful...so, very hopeful...

And while the top of the first put me in mind of a long, bumpy road ahead (Pedro Florimon's sudden apathy had something do with that), it was easy to push that aside and appreciate the little things: Jason Kubel chugging as only Jason Kubel can on a triple, Josmil Pinto's big screen photo looking like nothing so much as a forlorn Teddy Bear, Joe Mauer's robotic RBI delivery system and awkward 1st base chatter, Kyle Gibson finishing a fine performance with a strike out and a standing O, Brian Duensing dropping the hammer, Kurt Suzuki joining a long list of players whose early performance pauses any cranky critique I could make.

It was a beautiful night, feeling warm and welcomed, watching a solid game of baseball and finding, five seats down, a likeminded fan in our old pal Betsy Bissen (her photo graces the top of this post...unless she tells me not to use it, in which case, I'll delete this sentence). Seeing her and talking (in person) for the first time in years, I got to hear all about her life as a photographer in the well, her stories about cupcakes and curveballs, pranks and--above all--positivity: why she always stays optimistic about the players, why the only people who drive her nuts are the people who can't stop complaining (and occasionally those who use ipads to take pictures), and why I should keep on keeping on with quirky little photoshops and random observations.

The whole night was a long, joyful reminder of why I come back to baseball and blogging again and again. It's easy to get sucked into my own private world: my house, my Netflix queue, my scotch bottles. But baseball makes sure I remember everyone around me: the little kids abuzz with excitement; the random strangers who have a smile, handshake and piece of advice; the players who become constants in your life; the other writers, photographers and talkers who share in the silliness with me; and the family who are always there.

Gouger said it at the start of the night. There's no where else in sports where you can feel as tied into the community as you do you do at a baseball game. There's no where else I feel like my writing has as much chance to connect with like minded readers and thinkers as in this baseball blog.

It's not easy to be a Twins fan right now. It's not easy to be a Twins writer right now. But no matter how hard it gets, it's worth it, to be tied in to a community of the excited, the kind, the constant, the silly and the family that makes baseball great.

Early Days: Using A Made Up Stat to Make Silly Predictions

So there's a down side to the start of the baseball season, as fun and exciting and thrilling as it is to watch baseball games be played, live and in your home town and with actual meaning associated with their outcome, it's also a reminder that you have a long, looong way to go until the season ends.

And as a Twins fan who has to expect mathematical elimination from the playoffs around the same time your tax returns are being mailed in, it's a very, very loooong time.

So, you'll forgive me if I spend a little bit of this time doing something silly. Instead of breaking down failures with runners in scoring position, or obsessing over arm slot, I prefer to just be an idiot. Baseball is there to entertain us, and when the product is a little less than riveting you have to make your own entertainment.

That's why I introduced a totally made up and completely subjective statistic: Amusement Above Replacement Player or AARP. This is a statistic of my own invention quantifying several unquantifiable things about players: performance, nickname, physical/personality traits, attitude/demeanor, and oddities.

AARP is fundamentally a way of quantifying just how much fun I personally feel while watching players or teams. You can certainly disagree with them, but good luck proving that I'm wrong because--as I mentioned before--it's all made up.

They could probably still beat the T-Wolves

Since this is the time of year for baseball bloggers to make rash and unfounded predictions prior to any kind of justifiable proof, it seems like an ideal opportunity to use a fictitious stat to make facetious predictions!


But how? After all the most amusing players are not always the best performers, nor are the teams with the most entertaining teams the eventual World Champions (sorry Harlem Globetrotters). So how can I use a stat about amusement to predict anything (even sarcastically)?

Like this, dear reader, like this: say that an average contending team would have a host of average AARP performers (.5-2.0) and a few players who are closer to transcendent talents who can capture the public interest/media spotlight (5.0 or better). I'll identify a few likely candidates in my next post and from that pool pick a preferred winner (again totally subjectively)

Meanwhile for individual players it's instructive to look at those who are either high on the performance metric, but low on experience (meaning they're about to get attention and grow into an interesting personality); or those who are high on the attitude/demeanor but low on talent (meaning that a good run of performance can make them more interesting). I'll take a look at some Twins players and assess how likely they are to curry public favor in the last post.

Minister of Excitement Proclaims "Opening Day!!"

Minister of Excitement Nolasco Proclaims Opening Day!

Also Proclaims Baseball's Awesome!! and Glory to Twins Territory!

News for the Consumption of the Loyal Population of Twins Territory

Chicago, USA

The newly independent state of Twins Territory has begun their campaign to bring the message of unity, equality and sideburned-based socialist paradises to the masses of Americans who still live in ignorance of their shackled existence.

Minister of Excitement Ricky Nolasco has proclaimed an Opening Day for all of Twins Territory and the adjacent lands, should they accept the greatness of baseball in their hearts. "Baseball's Awesome!!" Tweeted Minister Nolasco, "So pumped to be pitching for the glory of Twins Territory!!!"

The benevolence of Twins Territory's leaders will soon be on display for all America to see, beginning in the grim, dystopian hellscape known as Chicago. The great unwashed of the windblown city will be privileged to behold the glory of our marvelous leader Chairman Mauer, and his assorted Nine Stars of Excellence who take the field at his side every day. They might not always be the same stars, but they will immediately become stars simply by standing in proximity to the great and glorious leader.

First amongst the firmament of excellence today will be Minister Nolasco, who was drawn to Twins Territory for its lush green spaces and perfect temperatures as well as the chance to reform our world in a more perfect, Twins-like image. While his powers on the field of battle are prodigious, they are secondary to his powerful excitement and enthusiasm.

"Everybody's so great! And I know that with hard work and determination we will conquer the realms of the unbelievers and bring about the glorious morning of revolution in the hearts of even the dissolute and despairing! Also, there will be hotdogs!!!"

Added Minister Nolasco: "AWESOME!!!"

Chairman Mau-er Conquers First Base

Supreme Chairman Mauer Conquers First Base

"All is...uh...good" Glorious Leader Announces

Fort Kelly, TT

Following our secession from the United States of America last October the wonderful nation of Twins Territory has been savoring the sweet nectar of freedom bestowed upon us by our one and only glorious leader: Joeseph Mauer.

While the Supreme Chairman surprised many by announcing his transition from the position of "Catcher of All Furious Projectiles That Endanger Our Safety" to "First Guardian Against Infiltrating Base Runners", the change has been an unequivocal success.

"Our enemies may claim that I am a, uh, you know...tyrant," reported his eminence from the southern military strong hold where he is leading training drills. "But, Twins Territory is proud to be a democracy where all those selected to shoulder the burdensome honor of leadership can, ummmm, select those who are best for our nation, and stuff."

Our marvelous minister of all things good and decent has continued his reign of beneficence and generosity by sharing his knowledge with the heirs to his title while simultaneously adapting to his new position of prominence on the basepaths. Reported Field Marshal Gardenhire, "he's learning a lot out there, you know with [Field Marshal Emeritus] TK and [Chief Instructor of Scrapitude] Paul-ie and [Grand Poobah of Pabst Blue Ribbon] Hrbie. It's gonna be real good."

Some of the embittered and jaded citizens of Twins Territory may claim that this is merely propaganda for the regime, such criticism is unwarranted and merely serves to comfort our rivals. Should you know of anyone who doubts the power of our Premier Potentate, you need only direct their gaze to the glory of his regal visage, shining like a beacon of safety and security.

As Supereme Chairman Mauer has himself said, "All is...uh...good, you know. I feel pretty good, and you know, all glory to the citizens of Twins Territory."

The Newest Twin

By now, you may well have heard about the Brewers' newest addition, an adorable stray dog the team has adopted named Hank.

Because dogs take a lot of time and energy to own (and are an unreasonable expenditure of payroll) the Twins will not be following suit. However, our own cat Mini has agreed to be an adorable representation of the team's hopes, or lack there of, this season. Starting with this, in the wake of the announcement that Miguel Sano will undergo Tommy John surgery.