Road Woes

You know it. I know it.

We stink on the road.

Friday--not bad, but we lost. Saturday--pretty bad, and we lost again. (Let us say no more about them) Today--things were going fine until the Undercover Nerd struck again, that we endured is a credit to Dr. Cakeburn and the randomly excellent bottom of the order.

Why? Why are we not so good when we leave the Metrodome? Is it simple longing for hot dish and tuna casserole? Is it heartache and home sickness and the fact that we don't send along care packages? Is it that home teams have an inherent advantage with their fans, their field, the last at bat, and umpires who would like to not be shot by virulent Yankee fans?

Or is it Target Field?

On Saturday Stinky and I moved her belongings from St. Paul to her new home in southern Minneapolis. From six AM until six PM dressers, bureaus, shelves, bed frames, mattresses (mattressi?) went up stairs and down stairs and up stairs again. After all of this we barely had enough energy to eat pizza, let alone converse with our friends over drinks, and we definitely would not have had enough energy to play quality baseball in a cacophony of cowbells. 

So as we continue our streak of road trips with 1 win. We hope that the boys are not too tired for pizza, drinks with friends, or baseball in any form. If they are, we will proudly volunteer to move some things over to Target Field if they like. Bats, helmets, the Blue Bunny Bouncy Ball Bucket, whatever. We don't even require payment: just an extra pulled pork sandwich or two, whatever it takes to win more than one game every time we go on the road.

My Overactive Imagination Strikes Again

So, when I'm at work during a game, I am forced to rely on Gameday for all of my baseball knowledge. While it is nice to have an idea of what's going on, there's usually just enough information to make me totally frustrated. Why the delay? What's going on!? "In play, out(s)"??? HOW MANY?? WHY?? DAHHHHH WHAT IS HAPPENING????

As you can tell I'm a bit of a worrier.

The worrying is mitigated only slightly by making up stories in my head about what is going on. These stories usually involve fantastical things that would never actually happen on a baseball field, like alien abductions, or statue abductions, or Craig Breslow throwing strikes.

Today, I witnessed players and managers being ejected from the game willy-nilly, with no explaination as to why this was all happening. It drove me nuts. I threw a sharpie agains the wall of my cubicle. No seriously, I actually did do that.

I found out later that Redmond and Varitek were ejected for arguing calls at home plate, and Gardy and Francona were ejected for trying to have their respective catcher's back. But in my head, this is what happened:

[Tichenor makes a bad call at home plate]
REDMOND: Hey man -- you just made a bad call at home plate.
TICHENOR: [Turns slowly to glare at Redmond. His eyes are strangely red and glowing]. Oh?
REDMOND: OH YEAH! You have BAD JUDGEMENT!
TICHENOR: You do not want to make me angry. I have powers.
REDMOND: What powers, the power of suck? The power of unfairness and destruction of all that is good in the world.
TICHENOR: Alright, that's enough from you. Now you will know REAL pain -- [pulls magic megaphone out of pocket] PENGUINS.... ATAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

[Rabid penguins suddenly flood the metrodome, appearing from the dugout, the ground, the sky, OMG they're everywhere!!! They consume Mike Redmond in a single gulp

GARDY: [bursts from the dugout] NOOOOO!!!!! Mikey!!!! Come back!!! Don't take him you bastards!!!


[Gardy puts up a good fight but is sadly consumed by the flock of rabid penguins]

TECHINOR: Heh heh.

[Later on - 7th inning]
VARITEK: You made a bad call again!
TECHINOR: You really want to argue with me? After you've seen what I can do? The power I weild? [eyes flash red again]
VARITEK: Dude. I play for the Red Sox. We chest bump all the time and we're totally bad ass, plus we get paid a lot of money. You can't do anything to me.
TECHINOR: Oh really? [Raises eyebrow]

[The penguins return in even greater numbers than before, and Varitek is gone within seconds. Terry Francona makes a desperate attempt to pull him from the massive pile of attacking birds but, not being quite as bad-ass as Gardy, is pulled into the fray within about 2 seconds]

And then we lost.

In other penguin-related news, I saw this humidifier at Target:


It's totally adorable. I might get one.

WTF Mate????

I'm at work and I have no idea what the heck is going on right now.
Redmond, Gardy, Varitek and FRANCONA even got thrown out of the game????????
What happened???????????? Can someone please tell me WHAT IS GOING ON ??????
LIVE GAMEDAY UPDATE IS NOT INFORMATIVE ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since there appears to be nobody around to enlighten me, I'll just assume that rabid penguins have attacked the Metrodome.

The best part....

of our win last night was (in addition to Mr. Morneau's home run and my co-blogger's aura of goodness and light in my place of employ) was watching the vaunted Red Sox line-up strike out and then whine about striking out.

Intrepid reporter Merlin overheard the following conversation in the Red Sox dugout after both MVP Dustin Pedroia and MVG (most vile goatee) Kevin Youkilis finished their warmups prior to the first inning.

Pedroia: I hear from Ozzie Guillen that this pitcher sucks!

Youkilis: I hear from the ESPN that we rule! [chest bump]

David Ortiz [sitting away from everyone, crying softly over his slowly dying career]: I would not say such things if I were you...

Pedroia: Whatever old timer...you just miss the days in Minnesota when you were all potential and no production

Youkilis: As opposed to now when you are just no production at all

Pedroia: OH SNAP! [chest bump]

Ortiz: You two don't understand...the Nick Blackburn you've heard of in scouting reports is no more...

Pedroia: What do you mean?

Ortiz: He used to struggle, used to fail, used to be another erratic young pitcher, but then, one day he learned how to harness the power of cake, and now...now...

Youkilis: Now what?

Ortiz: Now he uses the power of cake to bedevil hitters and render them utterly useless, feeble, groundball swatting turd piles...do not speak ill of that man, for if you do, the mild-mannered Nick Blackburn you all believe to be hittable will vanish and in his place will rise the nefarious Dr. Cakeburn, hurler of pastries and despoiler of batting averages.

Pedroia/Youkilis: Whatever, we're totally awesome, and we chest bump all the time [Chest bump]

...later in the first inning Pedroia is behind in the count 1-2, smiling smugly to himself, then finds a Little Debbie Zebra Cake thrown across the plate...befuddled, and hungry, he lunges at it, then pretends he did, is called out on strikes and doesn't even get to keep the Zebra Cake.

...Still later in the first inning, with Youkilis behind in the count 1-2, stroking his goatee smugly in the face of Justin Morneau he is startled to see another Zebra Cake pelting down at him, he too lunges, and he too strikes out.

Back in the dugout Pedroi and Youkilis look over at Ortiz who simply shakes his head and says:

"That's the power of cake M*****-******s"

Look at Ortiz's stomach, that man knows the power--and danger--of cake.

*Ps, yes, I know that Pedroia and Youkilis also got hits and Pedroia got an RBI double off of Blackburn, but the mopey whiny looks on their faces after the strike outs were just too beautiful--chest bumping knuckleheads.

Yay!

Dear Red Sox:
Have you learned nothing? I think most people have figured out by now that walking Mauer to get to Morneau = bad life choice. Also Blackburn pitched a hell of a game.

I had the pleasure of watching this game at the place of Scruffy's employment, while eating blue cheese fries with a friend, which made it even better if possible. Blue cheese fries are delicious. Wine is also delicious...mmm wine...

After Morneau's homer, RT, our secret correspondent from Boston, texted me the following: "Are u watching the game? Awesome!!" (I should mention that while RT does live in Boston, she hates Red Sox fans and, by association, the Red Sox. God I love her).

And finally, I'd like to give a shoutout to our old friend Lovin' Livan, who, although he has moved on from his love for the Dome, got a win for the Mets yesterday - well done little friend.

Two Recaps and a Study

So here's all you need to know about the last two games. Sunday=Good, very very good, particularly the hitting of the grand slam home runs. Monday=Not so very good--but there is this consolation: the Red Sox barely won, while playing our B-team, our team without Crede, Span or Mauer--we'll see whose smiling after the next three games.

It's in that spirit we present a spirited debate with close friend and serious Red Sox fan, Alyson "Sparky" McManus (formerly our team mate on the Great Falls High School Speech and Debate Team--Go Bison): Which team is better top to bottom--the Red Sox or Twins?

Let's debate it up! Starting with Catcher:

 

Sparky: well lets put it this way..there is no debate at the catchers position..Joe Mauer is who id take if i was going to pick a franchise catcher. Jason Varitek is a waste of air--I've seen cadavers with stronger arms.

Scruffy: Well thank you for making my case for me. First base?

 

Sparky: Well the way I see it is you've got Mr Canada vs Mr Jewish Greek God of walks, both great hitters, both decent fielders

Scruffy: But only one of them has a god awful goatee--and that man is disqualified Advantage Twins! 2nd Base:

 

Sparky: Pedroia, mvp, short firebrandy, but pulled a ryan leaf* by dissing his own town..that had to knock him down some points...who is your 2b? (*Sparky and I hate Ryan Leaf--he came from our home town and shamed us all)

Scruffy: It was Alexi Casilla, is currently Matt Tolbert and should probably be Brendan Harris...all of whom I love, but none of whom is an MVP... I cede the advantage to the Sox there. Short?

 

Sparky: pedroia is 5'8 supposedly

Scruffy: (Short Stop)

 

Sparky: oh. Well I’ve got mr julio lugo you have nick punto...julio lugo is so awful we cant trade him to the toledo mud hens for a bus. Punto is underrated, you trusted punto enough to trade jason bartlett away

Scruffy: Yeah....not the best idea when it comes to offense, however, defense is our strong suit and Nicky P makes it so that you have a three foot area that you have to try and hit the ball too   Advantage Twins! Third Base!

 

Sparky: Well put together joe crede's back and lowell's hip and you've got a golden girl. Lowell is a world series mvp whose best years are behind him but he’s hitting well recently Crede well is joe crede

Scruffy: I say old accomplishments don't count. While both are fading hitters, Crede still has great range when he's playing the bag which means more or less any ball hit to the left side of the infield is gobbled up like a pork chop on Rush Limbaugh's dinner plate. Advantage Twins! Left field:

Sparky: Jason Bay is the s***, he’s canadian, and an alumunus of gonzaga university** plus he doesnt pee inside the green monster between innings and have dreadlocks like the predator. (**As is Sparky)

 

Scruffy: Wheras Denard Span thanks god for everything that has ever happened in the history of ever. Denard knows his place in the grand scheme of the World, and Mr. Bay, though talented is far more uppity. God blesses Denard, and by association: The Twins. Advantage Twins (spiritually) Advantage Red Sox (basebally) Center Field:

Sparky: well we've got one of three native americans ranging the cf for us, hes fast, he takes walks, and hes a decent fielder, plus his girlfriend is smoking

 

Scruffy: It doesn't matter, because our Centerfielder is of Velocoraptorian decent Given the way he screams and ranges to both his left and right and is beginning to show the ability to hit for power. So while I grant you that Ellsbury is good. I do believe that my Gogo is better (and a lot more insane)! Advantage Twins! Right Field!

 

Sparky: Well we’ve got another back problem. JD Drew, he can hit, he’s proven that he can do well in boston under pressure, including key hits in the 07 run to the title

 

Scruffy: Okay, so he can hit under pressure and hit well, he also can't field worth a dump. Wheras we have a Rightfielder who hits like a badass, fields like a gazelle, throws like Thor and does magic tricks.Advantage TWINS! DH?

 

Sparky: Papi cant hit

 

Scruffy: Jason Kubel can. Advantage Twins. Bench:

 

Sparky: well we've got some great guys on the bench our other catcher is actually greek and has found out how to catch wake's knucklers, we also have alot of aaa guys up cuz of kotsay and others on the dl

 

Scruffy: Whereas we have one catcher who has on at least one verified occasion taken BP naked

 

Sparky: Mike Redmond is so old he caught for Grover Cleveland Alexander

 

Scruffy: And a host of middle infielders who are so scrappy that when they take the field it takes the whole crowd one inning to figure out whose playing where, Plus there's Delmon...who can’t field or run that great, and forgets how to hit occasionally...I think Bench might need to be a push. Starters:

  

Sparky: well we have a world series mvp, a guy who beat cancer and threw a no hitter in the same year, a guy that uses the craziest pitch as his main pitch, a former dodger who's 4-1, and a guy from Jamaica right now, but we are sitting with dice k and smotlzy on the dl

 

Scruffy: I won't lie, that is formidable, However, we have a bunch of guys who through the ball in the strike zone, do not give up walks and pitch to contact...which given the strength of our defense is all we really need. They don't have the endurance that your guys do, but they get the outs they need and keep the lead and all while being far lest costly than Josh Becketts Man-tan.

 

Sparky: Yeah, Beckett’s man tan is crazy bad, I think its a push

 

Scruffy: I'll take that. Bullpen: HA! Red sox Win. Managers:

 

Sparky: Well Gardy’s been there for awhile...but two world series rings

Scruffy: However, your manager doesn't spend his offseasons in an old person’s garden, pushing a wheel barrow towards a well. Nor does your manager get ejected just for the fun of it!

 

Sparky: Tito is too calm

 

Scruffy: Exactly, it'd be interesting though if your team was managed by the guy from little big league. Advantage Twins! So I tally the score up thusly: Twins win at Catcher, 1st, Short, Third, Center, Right, and with the Manager, Red Sox win at 2nd, Left, and bullpen Starters and bench are a push. Twins 7--Red Sox 3 TWINS WIN! Thank you for playing. Now get out

What pitcher's that again?

Glen Perkins was so awesome at the beginning of the season that our misfortunes were dimmed by his brilliance. Of late, Glen has been not so great, which explains why Glen had to go to the disabled list, but who, oh who would take his place.

Manager Ron Gardenhire explained to us in a Peanuts from Heaven exclusive:

Gardy: We've got a young pitcher whose going to start on Saturday.

PFH: Oh, yeah Gardy? Which pitcher is that?

Anthony Swarzak: SWARZAK!

Gardy: He's a young gun from Rochester with a hellacious sinker.

PFH: Who?

Swarzak: SWARZAK!

Gardy: He's coming up to cover Perk, who seems to be a little hurt.

PFH: But wouldn't that be bad for Perkinses career and salary?

Gardy: Naw, if you get hurt and miss work, just call this kid and it won't hurt to miss work.

PFH: Which kid?

Swarzak: SWARZAK!

Gardy: And he doesn't give up runs, which is just as good as scoring them.

PFH: How very zen Gardy...

Swarzak: SWARZAK!!

Anthony Swarzak: ask about him at the Metrodome.