The Twins' New Year's Resolutions

It's been a while since our last post (blahblahblah job, blahblahblah earning salary, blahblahblah spending holiday time with friends and loved ones). But we're back with a very special post as we consider the 2014 resolutions of your Minnesota Twins.

Joe Mauer
Baseball Resolution: Hit like a boss now that defense doesn't crush my legs.
Life Resolution: Be hospitable while hosting my fellow all-stars this summer, maybe even say multi-syllabic words to them!


Brian Dozer

Baseball Resolution: Prove that hitting outburst last year was no fluke.
Life Resolution: Find out how Joe got that Head and Shoulder's commercial and send them my audition tape.


Trevor Plouffe
Baseball Resolution: Throw the ball to the big tall guy at first base as often as possible.
Life Resolution: Repeat life affirming mantra ("I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me") whenever fans make frowny faces at me.


Josh Willingham
Baseball Resolution: Get healthy. Get 30+ homers again. Get the hell out of here.
Life Resolution: See above.


Oswaldo Arcia
Baseball Resolution: Hit many more of those mammoth home runs.
Life Resolution: Build a time machine so I can see those mammoths run home.


Jason Kubel
Baseball Resolution: Rebuild career amongst my people.
Life Resolution: Attempt to smirk with the other side of my mouth.


Josmil Pinto
Baseball Resolution: Improve defensively by listening closely to my veteran catcher and veteran pitchers
Life Resolution: Improve my teammates by teaching them the harmonies to the entire Mumford & Sons catalogue through my walk up music.


Ricky Nolasco
Baseball Resolution: BE AWESOME!!!!!!!
Life Resolution: !!!!!!!!


Caleb Thielbar
Baseball Resolution: Keep being a badass left-hander
Life Resolution: Keep percentages in my favor by brainwashing every hitter to be left handed.



Phil Hughes
Baseball Resolution: Use new stadium to keep home run rates down, try to boost strike out rate.
Life Resolution: Every time I think about mean Yankee fans, just remember I've gone somewhere so far away that they'll forget I've ever existed...until we play a game in the Bronx...then drink heavily.

Jared Burton
Baseball Resolution: Continue to solidify the back of the bullpen.
Life Resolution: Popularize neck beards again.

Kevin Correia
Baseball Resolution: Keep doing what I'm doing, even if I've been demoted from staff ace to staff #3...again...
Life Resolution: Keep my arm attached to my shoulder.

Glen Perkins
Baseball Resolution: Get another All-Star Game spot by racking up the saves...assuming we have games that need saving.
Life Resolution: Keep telling truth to power [hitters]. (And by tell truth I mean talk trash/throw sliders)

Ron Gardenhire
Baseball Resolution: Rebuild the team so it's in good shape for the next guy
Life Resolution: Use word a day calendar to improve nicknames for the boys. Instead of "Plouffe-y" maybe, Penultimate Plouffe-Dog?

What are your New Year's Resolutions Twins Fans?

A Winter Meeting's Guide to Twinsey World

Monday marks the kickoff of the Winter Meetings in Orlando, Florida (aka: a convenient holiday for baseball executives and their families).

Naturally, as the Twins do their part at the Winter Meetings for the next four days, they may make time to have a little fun in the Happiest Place on Earth That is Also a Festering Swamp. But the attractions they see may have extra ramifications on their plans for the next four days. Here we present the possible outcomes of how what they see and could manifest themselves in baseball moves. (From least likely to most likely


Ride: It's a Small World--If there are any little kids along side Twins execs, they may decide to go into Mattel's amazing wonderland of creepy dolls for other nationalities.
Result: BLOW IT UP!--Obviously, standing in the epic line, in the middle of Florida heat, only to sit on a thing for fifteen minutes worth of nauseating jerky motion and the world's nastiest ear worm of a song is going to drive any reasonable person insane. As a result we end up with the bizarre blow up our roster set moves including 

• Trading Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins, Miguel Sano, Byron Buxton and the Pentair Sustainable Water Solutions System for the Teseract and access to a super species of baseball players in another dimension
• Punching Ricky Nolasco and Phil Hughes turning their signings into a gigantic, evil prank
• Signing Trevor Plouffe to a 20 year 400 Million dollar contract

If you see any Twins execs around the "It's a Small World Ride" save them, for god's sake, save them.

Ride: Tower of Terror--The stomach-drop-inducing seven story fall is a favorite for thrill seekers...not exactly the most common adjective used to describe the Twins brain trust is it?
Result: Major Trade/signing--Flush with the giddy thrill of some free agent signing success they might just decide to double down on the whole experience and drop some more and throw caution to the win by bringing in Shin Soo-Choo, Matt Garza and/or Carlos Beltran.

Ride: Japan Booth at Epcot Center--This isn't so much a ride as it as pleasant and satisfying experience for people interested in a little culture, knowledge and family bonding. (That does sound like a Twins outing
Result: Make a bid for Masahiro Tanaka--The Twins are big on understanding players and reaching out to them, so maybe they think a little background research will be an added perk to a bid for Tanaka. Of course, first Japan has to approve baseball's new system, then the Twins have to win or tie the bid process, and finally Tanaka has to consider talking to the Twins about anything other than "what's the Yankee's number again?"


Ride: Pirates of the Carribbean--A Disney World landmark and must-see stop on the tourist trail can churn out happy patrons who are only mildly unnerved by the slowly gyrating animatronic pirates.
Result: Minor trade/signing--Did someone say "mildly unnerved by slowly gyrating animatronic" somethings? Sounds like an aging back up catcher to me!! (John Buck? JP Arrencibia? Yorvit Torrealba?) Also, did someone say "churn out happy patrons"? Maybe we're due a minor swap of prospects, or at least a Rule 5 draft pick!

Ride: Wonder why there's only Teri license plates in the gift shop--Honestly, the Twins probably are going to be focused on the baseball side of business. If Terry Ryan does anything, it may just be stopping by the gift shop for a memento only to find that all the playful license plates read "Teri" and "Bort".
Result: Nothing--Every year I predict that nothing much will really happen at the Winter Meetings. And this year I'll hold to that more than ever. They've signed two free agents. They've dropped more money on the market than ever before. If the Twins do anything beyond kick the tires and chew the fat, it might well be a big surprise.