Calling all bribes

After the debacle of the Hall of Fame's "non-election" and last weekend's Academy Awards, there is but one honor left to bestow before the baseball season begins: the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame! Yes, we still offer induction to all those who make the game fun to watch (even if they weren't exactly "good" at "playing the game of baseball").

We got there before you BBWAA

But what do possible inductees have to offer you? After all, bribery is as much a part of our electoral system as the whole electoral thing. Hall of Fame candidates can promise to actually listen to sportswriters for a change, and Oscar candidates plump for their campaigns through all manner of swag. So what exactly do our candidates have to offer you?

Jim Thome
One vote will net you a serving of mashed taters, one of several hundreds of home run balls and a small sample of his new cologne "L'eau du Smokey"

Joe Nathan
One vote will earn you a patch of scruffy beard, a hearty "Yarrr!", and a gold dubloon (warning: dubloon may be cursed)

Delmon Young
Delmon would love your vote, so much so he's willing to offer a plush stuffed Siberian tiger and 6 hours of community service...you're cool with having some of that, right?

Kevin Slowey
Things are a little tight for Kevin right now, but he does have a penny and slightly squashed skittle for anyone who votes for him.

Jason Kubel
Now embedded in Arizona, Jason Kubel can happily offer all those who vote for him a Grand Canyon key chain, his new self-help book: "Smirking and You" and free racial profiling to everyone who pays him a visit.

Jesse Crain
The ubermensch, our once great middle reliever/Nietsche spouting philosopher in residence offers you only the black abyss of unanswerable human quandries. Plus a 20% off coupon to TrueBerry.

Luke Hughes
Can offer you a large supply of marmite...wait...don't go! There's more!!

Jason Marquis
Despite Jason's meager four week term with the Twins, he's still a candidate. He can offer a wig and a sense of emptiness.

Francisco Liriano
Despite his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), Liriano is a prime candidate for the Peanuts Hall of Fame. And because of his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), he can offer to bribe you with any one of a dozen different ligaments and game-chewed gum!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka
Tsuyoshi Nishioka has already offered his bribe...it was his leaving, you're welcome.

Matt Capps
Vote for Matt Capps and receive one of the several dozens of homeruns he yielded in close games over the last three years. You will also receive a small smattering of the bazillion boos he faced at all times over the last three years.

Carl Pavano
Carl's swag bag includes surplus fake mustaches...obviously.

Scott Baker
The longest tenured Twin to say goodbye this offseason is extremely grateful for all your love and support. In honor of this he will acknowledge the existence of "nutty" from the infamous bat-girl posts and allow you to hang with the greatest support of all...

Denard Span
As ever you can Save Big Money with a vote for Denard S.! Receive high quality LED bulbs and valuable seeding mulch as well as coupons a plenty!

Ben Revere
Since smiles are not tangible, Ben Revere will honor your vote by dedicating five Web Gems to each person who votes for him.

Alexei Casilla
Would offer you things, but he's pretty sure he hasn't played for the Twins since 2010...

Remember you're voting for players who helped you have fun watching the game...it's easier than trying to discern greatness. 75% gets you induction 10% gets you another year on the ballot.

Gamblin' Man

I have fun at Terry Ryan's expense. (Sorry big guy, it's just too easy.) I photo shop him in all kinds of compromising outfits like say...this one!

While this seems bad, plenty of people are frustrated enough with Terry's attitude to this off season to do far worse than photoshop him onto a Dutch breakdancer's body. Just what did he do?

Well, he seems to have taken an already suspect pitching staff and filled it up with even more questionable characters including: a pitcher with two years experience who just had elbow surgery, a journeyman pitcher who hasn't had a positive WAR in 3 years, and another fading prospect who lost almost all of last year due to Tommy John Surgery surgery. The greatest ray of hope is that we may be the last best hope for a left-hander from a playoff team (whose best season was 5 years back).

There are other complaints from other quarters: trading both Denard Span and Ben Revere, not upgrading the middle or corner infield, failing to buy us all ponies and cotton candy (okay that was just his granddaughter). But by and large the wrath is focused on the "upgrades" to the pitching staff.

To many (if not most) it will seem like the team has simply forgone any effort to be competitive this season, looking to find names to fill out the line-up card rather than find top notch game changers. Instead of carefully selecting long-term investments (like Zack Grienke or Brandon McCarthy), Ryan has wagered the season on the vague hope that we could win the pitching lottery.

But, as easy as it is to find fault with the GM's decisions, I don't spend a lot of time doubting or second guessing his moves for two main reasons:

1. I doubt that venting my spleen all over the internet will change TR's decision making process in any way shape or form.
2. I know enough about baseball to know that I don't know anything about baseball.

Terry Ryan's winning numbers?

I may be the first blogger--writing in a medium that requires sincere belief that other people think you know what you're talking about--to admit that I really don't know squat. And if you, gentle reader, are really honest about it, I'll bet you'll admit that you don't know either. We don't know who will succeed and who will fail. We don't know whether the pitchers we've signed will prove resilient or so utterly neurotic that they can't function. Every day has uncertainty, but few areas have as much as that most volatile part of baseball: starting pitching

Sure, a long-term investment in a star pitcher sounds good, but while you might be netting CC Sabathia, you might also get disasters-in-waiting like Barry Zito or Mike Hampton.

Sure, last-ditch, desperation contracts seem like a lottery ticket to nowhere, but while you will likely lose your money, you just might come up a winner with an RA Dickey or Ryan Vogelsong. 

One of my last chances
to post Marquis de Marquis

Even within Terry Ryan's own history there's a legacy of lottery ticket wins and losses. How many people were jumping with joy for the acquisitions of Carlos Silva or Kenny Rogers? How many regret their optimism for Jason Marquis or Sidney Ponson?

Creating a starting rotation is an awful lot like buying a lottery ticket. You take a guess and hope it works out. When it does (even if it's just getting $100 for landing 3 out of 5 or winning 75 games with a patchwork quilt of has-beens and never-will-bes) you have to figure out what to do with your winnings. If you're smart, you seek out some prudent investments (i.e. extend Joe Nathan; trade Boof Bonser for anything at all); if not you're just going to keep on buying lottery tickets until the end of time.

I have no idea how this rotation will pan out. I have major doubts, to be sure (I sincerely doubt that Kevin Correia has a Cy Young season just waiting to happen), but I also know that my judgements aren't based on the same information, and knowledge that Terry Ryan and his team has. As much as I love the game, as much as I think I understand it, my knowledge and comprehension barely scratches the surface of those who cover it full time. That's not to say that the Twins' front office will always be right, just to say that I have no idea (right now) if they will be right or wrong.

I like to think that I know more than that, but in reality I just don't.

But I do know that Terry Ryan looks funny in that "Clog-Enthusiast/Construction-Worker" get-up.

Rational Thinking on an Irrational Topic

This is one of my favorite times of the baseball year, which is odd because there's no games being played, no highlights to goggle over, no action to analyze.

But there is the Hall of Fame, that marvelous institution/debate instigator that symbolizes so much and actually means very little. This is the time to think about the history of the game, the greatest players to walk on a diamond, and exactly how baseball still relates to our values personally and as a society. As a  fan of baseball history and a chronic over thinker, this is perfect for me.

Seriously...it's a good book.

In approaching the question of who I would vote for (which I don't and--barring a radical change in BBWAA rules never will--have), I decided to try a more logical, rational approach than the normal touchy-feely me is known for and than the great debate headquarters of Cooperstown, New York is used to. I thought, I'd fill out a ballot as an economist would...or even better, as a Freakonomicist would.


Those who've read the books by Stephen Levitt (pride of St. Paul) and Stephen Dubner know that, to an economist's mind, voting is futile. Elections (especially national ones) are decided by thousands of votes not just one; however the more local your election (mayor, city councilor, school board) and the smaller the margin of error in polls, the more likely that your vote will matter.

But civic elections are simple affairs--one winner, lots of losers.When it comes to the Hall of Fame there are really three kinds of winning: (1st) get 75% and get elected for enshrinement; (2nd) get more than 66% and apply enough peer pressure on voters to eventually get elected; (3rd) get more than 5% and stay on the ballot until you can boost yourself up for enshrinement.

So, if you cast an economical ballot for the hall of fame, then you can break down your vote to those three categories. You vote for people who might or might not reach one of those three thresholds (and don't worry as much about people like Roger Clemens or Dale Murphy who won't make 75 or 66% but will easily top 5%. With that in mind, here's how I would vote (if I could):

Yup, I'm biased...

1st--Guys to get over the top
It's no sure thing that any one will be elected this year. But the two candidates deemed most likely to succeed also happen to be two people I think are quite deserving and would be proud to help put into the hallowed halls. Craig Biggio reached the rarified air of 3,000 hits while adapting to three different positions: Catcher, 2nd Base, and Center Field. He might not be the most eye catching candidate this year, but a vote for him gets tremendous bang for your buck. The same goes for Jack Morris, who may benefit from what some people call the "acehood fallacy", but also dosen't deserve to suffer for it. Sure that one great Game 7 may be the main reason he's inducted...but it was our game 7 so...he surely deserves a boost.

3rd--Guys to save from elimination
If you read other people's ballots, chances are that you see lots of star powered name hemming and equal amounts of "gee-I-wish-I-could-vote-for" hawing. Since less than 5% of the vote eliminates you from future consideration, and since many people are doubting the next three candidates, a vote for them helps to encourage debate about guys who need a little more consideration before their time runs out. Ergo, I'll vote for the eternally moving Kenny Lofton (best lead off man of the 90s), Edgar Martinez (best DH, possibly ever) and Larry Walker (best Rocky Mountain-based jack of all trades).

Maybe they aren't surefire hall of famers, but they should be discussed more than once or twice, and voting for them helps keep them outside of the danger zone and on the ballot a little while longer.

2nd--Guys to make people talk about
For some reason, some voters (cou*knuckleheads*gh!) will only vote for players who've already been voted for by more than half the electorate. They're happy to vote guys in, provided their colleagues yell at them loudly enough. So, now that Jack Morris is being talked about (and perhaps inducted) we can move more guys up into the conversation (even if that conversation is fraught with ideological disputes of the rights and wrongs of drug use).

Listen, Monsieur Hendersono...

Start with two guys whose problem isn't drug use, but things beyond their control. So I'd vote for  Lee Smith (whose mistake was being very good at a job that lots of people don't like--and whose exclusion is a little like not letting John Adams into your house party because you don't like politicians) and Tim Raines (whose mistake was not being named Ricky Henderson's non-union Canadian equivalent)

Next, we'll start the steroid discussion by making people talk about good candidates whose only problem is being pilloried over a lot of hearsay and conjecture. Chances are voters will move first on good candidates who haven't been publicly identified as dirty-no-good cheaters--once we have consensus on them, we can move on to the more difficult headliners. So, I'll cast a vote for Jeff Bagwell and Mike Piazza.

That's 9 votes already...but since it's make 9 get the 10th one free, I'll also toss on Barry Bonds, because he's another conversation worth having: one of the best players without the juice, (the best player allegedly with the juice), more multi-faceted than the other boppers (Messrs Palmeiro, Sosa, McGwire et al), less prone to "his career was fizzling" blame than his most high profile partner in (alleged) crime (Mr. Clemens). Barry's case is special, and probably won't be solved within the next 3, 5 or even 10 years...but once he hits 50-60% a few more will waver, and a few more, and a few more...and that's how consensus is reached.

Now, of course, my perception of baseball's history, who the greatest players are, and what our values will make a difference to practically no one (save, maybe my wife [hi honey] and my mom [hi momma!]).  And yet! What is this time of year for if not for imagining that writing up your convoluted thoughts about baseball somehow qualifies you to make sweeping assertions about the history of the game, the greatest players of all time and baseball's relationship to our values? What is this blog for, if not to give voice to my opinions, as part of the longest running debate in baseball? I'll make my assertions, and others will disagree, and all will be well in the world of baseball punditry.

That's why I love this time of year: great debates, even on a tetchy topic.

(Think I'm right? Think I'm wrong? Leave your thoughts in the comments below)

Ring out the old. Ring in the new.

It's 2013, and that means that the Twins haven't lost a game yet this year!!

Yes, enthusiasm has been in short supply for the past two seasons, with more than a few loyal supporters questioning their allegiances faster than the Malfoy family at the end of the Deathly Hallows.

We peanuts have long been among the most sentimental of the blogging community. We sigh with memories of Johan and Torii (heck, we even mourned Boof Bonser and Brendan Harris). And as the Twins rebuilding project has begun to gain momentum more and more of the guys we cheered for when this blog began have left the franchise.

We give out plaques
just for being fun...

As always, we remember the players who've left us with a vote to induct them into the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame (see the poll at the right). We laud the players who might have been good, but were mostly fun to watch and made us love the game (hence the inductions of Nick Punto and Carlos Gomez). So look through the list, vote as often as you like, and remember that 75% gets you in, 10% keeps you on the ballot and anything less than that gets a spot in the Jim Hoey Memorial Garbage bin of the mind.

But while reminiscences are satisfying to some, they really don't do much to address the present. As much as we peanuts love the by gone days of competitive, talented ball players whom we could photoshop in awkward ways, those days are over, and it does not do to dwell on dreams only to forget reality.

About a month ago, right after the Ben Revere trade, I took Stinky (Mrs. Peanut to you) out for a nice Italian dinner date night. We commiserated about the dearth of lovable guys and the uncertainty of new players. As she said, "everyone who made me love this team is gone, and in their place are a bunch of people I'm not sure will be here in six months. I used to cheer because I loved the team and the guys who were part of it. Now, I cheer because they wear the same clothes that the guys I love used to wear."

The happy couple during
a happier season

I have a feeling that Stinky spoke for a lot of Twins fans that night, few of whom are members of the blogosphere, but many of whom sit down the row or at the same bar and who have begun to approach the summer months with apathy bordering on estrangement. I've certainly had similar moments, and I've read many similar thoughts from other bloggers. But, as I told my beloved Stinky that same night, "this is part of love. The people you care about don't stay exactly the same as when you first met them, they grow, they change, and you find new things to love about them."

We could close up the blogging shop right now, satisfied that it was an amusing diversion for many years, and hope that some day the Twins sweep us off our feet again. Or we can keep writing, keep chatting and actually redouble our efforts as we find new things to love in this new team. This version of the Twins might not win, (okay they definitely won't win) but they can be entertaining and we can find entertainment in their efforts. So join us as we ring out the old (with the PFH HoF vote) and ring in the new (with new posts welcoming in our quirky line-up).

It's going to be a fun year.

--Smelly/Scruffy (Mr. Peanut)

2012 Winter Meeting Recap!

It's a holiday tradition as old as Barack Obama's presidency (...hmm that didn't sound quite as impressive as I thought I would...); every year, shortly after the Winter Meetings end, we Peanuts offer a poorly digested, mostly fabricated recap of the glad-handing and back slapping that turns four days of business meetings in a fancy hotel into something somewhat amusing.

We hope you enjoy this absurd dramatization of a professional business convention (and if you are somehow still amused by such absurd dramatizations feel free to explore our other recaps for 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008.)

It's all so magical!

MONDAY:
9:23 AM--The serious professionals in the Twins organization are gobsmacked upon registering at the Opryland Hotel at the expansive atrium that could easily contain all the non-Lutherans in Minnesota!

10:05 AM--After purchasing a lot of swag at the Opryland Hotel Giftshop team budget managers sheepishly inform Terry Ryan that they have blown all the money saved by trading Denard Span

12:28 PM--Terry Ryan begins the going through his rolodex of available starting pitchers beginning with Blanton, Joe and Correia, Kevin.

4:41 PM--Ryan becomes seriously twitterpated before dialing "Grienke, Zack". Feeling just as nervous as  he did before he tried calling Suzi Charmical for a date to the Junior Prom back in Zanesville

Greinke wishes someone in LA would
think up doofy photoshops for him.

4:43 PM--Remembering the crushing rejection suffered at the hands of Suzi Charmical, Ryan decides to just move on to the next name on his list (who won't cost more than the state's budget for education) Jackson, Edwin.

8:45 PM--After a super awkward dinner with representatives from the Dodgers, Greinke wishes that those nice guys from the Twins would call him so he could just once know what it was like to have *nice* executives talk to him. (*tear*)

TUESDAY:
3:23 AM--As he hangs up with Zambrano, Carlos (who may or may not have been at a rave) Ryan lets out a contented sigh at having called every eligible free agent pitcher with a pulse.

4:03 AM--After a 30 minute cat nap, Ryan takes out a Ouiji board and begins calling free-agent pitchers without a pulse: beginning with Alexander, Grover Cleveland.

Johan, Bert and Three Zombies!...Dare to dream..

11:38 AM--Braves General Manager Frank Wren stops by to take Ryan to lunch and gauge interest in trading Josh Willingham. But his aura interrupts productive discussions about a 2 year/3 Million brain deal with Zombie Christy Matthewson, and trade talks are abruptly cut off

6:45 PM--Having failed to procure a magical amulet to raise the dead and sign them to pitching contracts, Ryan returns to his rolodex of available pitchers only to discover that Joe Blanton will be signing elsewhere, and thus Kevin Correia is the most alphabetically appropriate pitcher.

7:00 PM--Ryan rage quits on his free agent pursuits and the front office staff has to calm him down by starting the traditional Winter Meetings TV Show marathon a skosh early.

7:20 PM--Three scenes into the first episode of Sherlock, no one can remember who they are, what they are doing, or why anything except the fact that they HAVE TO watch more of this show.

WEDNESDAY:
6:01 AM--Ryan cries at the last scene of "Richenbach Falls"

6:02 AM--Ryan unleashes a stream of profanity about series creator Steven Moffat after seeing the ACTUAL last scene of "Richenbach Falls"

7:27 AM--The front office staff concludes their tv gorging winter meetings ritual by ordering up some room service, including an extra big banana split to calm down a still ragingly furious Terry Ryan.

10:43 AM--Finally emerging from the stale air of their suite, Ryan and his colleagues connect with their counterparts in the business and begin to gauge interest in possible trades.

2:18 PM--The staff reconvenes to compare their measurements on their "gauges of interest"; realizing that surprisingly Justin Morneau's interest rated at "14.8 STPE" (seconds thought per executive) which was below the measurements on the Ben Revere gauges: 47.7 STPE.

4:33 PM--Bert Blyleven calls in to plead with the Twins to step up their pursuit of trading for Texas lefty and his relative Derek Holland.

4:53 PM--After quite a bit of effort, the front office staff convinces Blyleven that just because his name is "Holland" does not mean that he is actually from Holland. But appreciate that thought.

"Finite Sucktarium!"

8:15 PM--As word leaks that Bluefield Blue Jays president Richard McGonagale will be named "King of Baseball", the Twins quietly inquire as to whether or not McGonagle has any relation to that British witch lady and if that magical touch chan be swayed into our organization.

THURSDAY
6:18 AM--Trade discussions about Revere nearly derail when Assistant Bill Smith asks Ruben Amaro Jr. "What the hell is a Phillie anyway?" making Amaro a little overly defensive.

8:53 AM--As the scouts plan to take to pick Ryan Pressly (a starter converted to a reliever) in the Rule 5 Draft; they have to awkwardly wait through the terminally unpopular Rule 1, Rule 2, Rule 3 and Rule 4 Drafts.

Don't cry Ben, we'll send your
forwarding address to Santa

11:07 AM--The team puts the final touches on a trade that will send Ben Revere to Philadelphia for pitchers Vance Worley and Trevor May, which forces Terry Ryan to do the hardest thing in the world...watch Ben Revere's childlike innocence die.

11:09 AM--When asked if Santa will still be able to find him in Philadelphia, Ryan can't help but say "YES! OF COURSE! Don't worry! Santa totally will find you and he is real!"

3:28 PM--En route the airport, Terry Ryan remembers that he was supposed to talk to Jared Burton at some point this weekend, calls him with the offer of 5.5 Million over two years with a 3.6 Million dollar option for the third year PLUS any razor he wants to shave down his neck scruff.

3:29 PM--Burton agrees, but doesn't require the "razor clause".

A Little Bit Country...

but not at all rock and roll...that's our prediction for what the Twins will do during this week's Winter Meetings in Nashville, Tennessee.

Every offseason, when there is precious little else to write about, I make prognostications/recommendations for what will/should happen when the Twins' brass heads down to whatever exotic locale has agreed to host the most powerful people in baseball for four days.

This year, there's a lot that could be done to improve the team; some would go so far as to say there's a lot that needs to be done. The only question is what actually will  be done, when TR and company head down to the home of the Grand Ol' Opry.

What will TR get done?

I have no idea of course, but that won't stop me from making bizarre guesses for my and (hopefully) your enjoyment.

Who will be the next
Jason Marquis?

1. The Twins sign a mediocre pitcher who makes fans go "Him?"
We all know the Twins need starters, but with the frequently frugal Ryan spending the parsimonious Pohlads' dollars in a market where any one with a few Ws on their stat sheet is guaranteed a cool million dollars a year, Zack Grienke isn't happening.

Sure there are dreams of Brandon McCarthy and Shawn Marcum, but it's far more likely that we'll be perusing the "Livan Hernandez Memorial Bargin Bin" so brace yourself for Jonathan Sanchez, Ching Ming Wang and (dare we dream?) Jeff Karstens.

2. Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau sit awkwardly beside their phones for several days
Now that Denard Span is shopping for apartments in Foggy Bottom, the two most prized commodities in the Twins' stockpile are the bopping big men. So, for Josh and Justin, it's time for several tense days updating "mlbtraderumors.com" and playing Angry Birds in space to pass the time.

Of course, we tend to have a slightly higher opinion of both player's abilities than the market will likely bear (I mean, how much can you really expect to get for a corner outfielder with limited defensive abilities, or a first baseman who's still coming back from a concussion.

3. After signing another aging middle infielder, the Twins replace their post game buffet with Perkins' early bird special coupons.
There's always someone who wants to make the Twins their last stop on the road to the retirement home: Tony Batista, Jose Offerman, Jamey Carroll, and without a set of high calibre prospects to replace them, there's always a demand.

Rather than begrudging this fact, let's celebrate it! If we're going to try appealing to Marco Scutaro or Placido Palanco we might as well sweeten the pot with Perkins' all day breakfast deals...after all, who wouldn't want a chicken fried steak right before a big game? And hey, if we can splurge on a box of Werther's originals and the right to do an Andy Rooney style rant in the 8th inning each night then we'll  have officially cornered the market.

4. Scott Boras mistakes Terry Ryan's polite conversation for interest in a mediocre player and uses it to procure a grossly over indulgent contract.

You're welcome, Scott

Every year there's one or two of Scott Boras' clients who bring up a "mystery team" in an effort to boost the bidding for their services. Whether or not these teams actually exist is irrelevant, all that matters is the money pit Boras gets to jump in for his troubles.

The Twins won't be so foolish as to actually hire a Boras client; but Ryan's unflagging Minnesota Nice demeanor and past experience with Kyle Loshe may well lead to a casual conversation in the hallway, which leads to intense rumor mongering between Boras and the Dodgers, which leads to a $60 Million dollar pay day for Loshe...the least Boras could do would be to pay for the almonds Ryan takes from his minibar.

5. A fat lot o' nothing happens.
The most likely situation of all: each year there's a tremendous amount of speculation in the days and weeks leading up to the winter meetings, and each year we end up pretty much where we were at the start of it...a little bored and none the wiser about who or what the coming year will hold.

Still! The conjecture is fun and the impending sense of doom being alleviated when we don't waste our money is even better!

A Thanksgiving Hors D'ouvre: A Peanuty Blueprint

'Tis the season both for overeating and overanalyzing potential Twins transactions. While most people in Twins Territory will be fixated on football in the next 72 hours, I thought, on the off chance that someone sneaks a peak at this space, that I should make it look presentable. So, here's a new blog on how best to address the biggest issue the local nine faces this year.

Available at Deviant Art

Most of the truly accomplished and respected Twins' bloggers have presented their blueprints for general consumption. The prognosticated quickly, and now, three weeks later, I'm doing the same. But, I do have something to offer which my fellow bloggers do not: a plan that balances a quest for wins with an equally important search: a search for a team fans might once again find interesting!

No offense, I know we like to talk about how victories equal ticket sales, but ticket sales also equal payroll and payroll often equals victories...so I thought approaching the problem from a new direction might prove interesting to some (or...okay...just me). Here now, my blueprint for the Twins 2013 offseason

Step 1: Trade Justin Morneau, Denard Span and Alex Burnett to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Niel Walker, Kyle McPherson and Alen Hanson--sign Walker to a four year, $8 Million contract extension

Sargeant Gardy's Lonely
Hits Club Band in hapier times

Start with the hardest thing I've ever suggested. I love Justin and I love Denard. I've invested considerable hours turning them into ninjas and mounties and an off brand version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; but they are pricy, expendable and in need of a chance to win now rather than later.

After being baseball's best story through June in 2011, and their best story through July in 2012, the Pirates need to win now too. Combining Denard's lead off skills with Justin's big bat should ease the burden on Andrew McCutchen and make it ease the blow of giving up a young, promising second baseman in Walker who helps solve our middle infield problem.

As an added bonus, McPherson's resume resembles the best prospect traded for players like Justin Morneau in the past (Jason Schmidt) and High A ball prospect Alen Hanson may set up a superb left side of the infield with Miguel Sano (he outranks all current Twins SS prospects).

While many fans may be turned off by the loss of two more long time Twins players and the addition of several new, unproven guys, I believe the next moves make up for that.

Step 2: Sign Brandon McCarthy to a three year, $51 million dollar contract (including a mandated Twitter clause) and Francisco Liriano to a one year $5 million/5 million sticks of gum contract (total: 5.3 m)

The man likes gum...

Scared as many might be by the return of Francisco Liriano, there should be comfort in the fact that we know what works for Frankie. Given his Target Field success last year (also in a contract year, and with a magical stash of gum), things should be sunshiney (plus we can always trade him again...provided we pay for the gum).

Meanwhile McCarthy makes a welcome addition of a solid #2 pitcher ahead of Scott Diamond and one who will be under contract for a considerable length of time (more than might have been suggested before the free agent bucks started flying, but hey we'll take what we can get). The added bonus is that even if concussion issues prevent him from being the player he seemed like he could be in the middle of the season, his social media skillz should help younger Twins players know what to do in order to avoid being too Danny Valencia-ish when they make the bigs. Even if some ignore him, the burgeoning hipster market will be inexorably drawn to each of McCarthy's starts.

Step 3: Sign Tony Robbins* to be personal life coach to Liam Hendricks, Luis Perdomo  and Brian Dozier (perhaps Kyle Gibson, Anthony Slama and Joe Benson)--1 year $1.8 Million dollars.

Problem: The Twins have a lot of players who are excellent in AAA and lousy in the majors.
Solution 1: FIRE THEM ALL AND BRING IN FREE AGENTS!
Solution 2: Teach them to unleash the power within! (and save money!)

YOU CAN THROW STRIKES!

This bit of creative problem solving tries a true moneyball approach to the game. Rather than valuing what our competition values (i.e. talent) we can value something else: mentoring and holistic advice! Thus comes Tony Robbins to convince Messers Hendricks Perdomo et al that they don't need to learn how to master the strike zone, because they already have mastered it! (IN THEIR MINDS!!)

*Note: There is a strict: NO FIRE WALK clause in Mr. Robbins' contract

Grady Sizemore:
You're welcome ladies.

Step 4: Sign Grady Sizemore to play RF (1 year $2.5 million).

As I understand it, many of the female fans of the Minnesota region appreciate it when the team not only plays well, but is also mildly attractive. Without Justin Morneau and the charming accent of Luke Hughes, Sizemore will help to increase the HQ (Handosmeness Quotient) of the team.

I'm open to other solutions here, but the plastic surgery needed to make Anthony Swarzak look like Ryan Gosling is a little steep, and creating Fox Sports North Dudes doesn't solve the outfield problem. So, Sizemore might just be a stop gap until Oswaldo Arcia or Aaron Hicks is ready to go. But until then we can all bask in the awkwardness of this story from the Onion.)

Step 5: Decline arbitration for Drew Butera, promote Chris Hermann and sign Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart for $150 thousand.

Now that Matt Capps (aka "Minnesota Fats Jr." aka "Matt Crapps Shoot" aka "Not Him, Please, Dear God Not Him!") has left the team, it's time to address that other outstanding source of fan vitriol--the boondoggle behind the plate.

Rather than let Drew Butera get a raise in arbitration (thus exploding the cerebral cortexes of many fans) I suggest that we let him go, promote minor leaguer Chris Hermann and put the money we save (approximately 150 k) to someone who can radically alter the perception of our catching corps.

Windbreaker not needed

Enter: Jimmy Hart. Those of us who wasted savored our youthful innocence by watching professional wrestling, know that managers in wrestling are even more irrelevant than baseball managers. But! They do provide much needed cache for those they align themselves with. So, if we bring in Jimmy Hart it goes from being "Mauer or Doumit with Hermann  for emergencies"to being "The Twin Cities Triumverate" with finishing moves like "Ryan Sauve's Opposite Field Smash!"or "Hermann's Munster Arm!" or "Chairman Mauer's Great Plate Discipline Forward..." (obviously I'm not as good at this as professional wrestling people are.

And who knows what kind of drama may unfold. Whose to say that Doumit and Mauer don't turn on each other mid-season on a miscommunicated tag? Or that Herman doesn't take a folding chair to create a sudden case of "bilateral leg weakness"? It will be pure sports entertainment...only with an actual sport.

Line up:
CF-Revere-$500k
2B-Walker-$2 M
C-Mauer-$23 M
LF-Willingham-$7 M
DH-Doumit-$3.5 M
1B-Parmelee-$500k
3B-Plouffe-$500k
RF-Sizemore-$2.5 M
SS-Florimon-$500k
Subtotal $40 M
Bench
C-Hermann-$500k
IF-Dozier-$500k
IF-Carroll-$3.75 M
OF-Mastroianni-$500k
Subtotal: $5.25 M
Rotation
#1-Liriano-$5.3 M
#2-McCarthy-$17M
#3-Diamond-$500k
#4-McPherson-$500k
#5-Hendricks-$500k
Subtotal--$ 23.8 M
Bullpen
LHP-Robertson $500k
LHP-Duensing $1.5 M
RHP-Slama $500k
RHP-Perdomo $500k
RHP-Swarzak $500k
SU-Burton $2M
CL-Perkins $2.5 M
Subtotal-- $8 M
Other
Nick Blackburn--$5.5 M
Jimmy Hart--$150k
Tony Robbins $1.8 M
Subtotal--$7.45 M

TOTAL PAYROLL: $82.05 M 

From this position we could easily add payroll as needed if we do well, or swap out others (Sizemore, Liriano, Carroll, Willingham, Doumit) if we don't. Most importantly we've got some marketable commodities here to keep the turnstiles turning and keep the fans interested (if not completely excited) and establish Walker and McCarthy as building blocks back to consistent contention in the years ahead.