Ricky "Human Exclamation Mark" Nolasco

News broke yesterday that former Marlins/Dodgers pitcher, Ricky Nolasco will be signing with the Twins (reportedly for a four/five year deal worth between 49 and 62 Million dollars).

There are many things to consider in this signing: the sudden acquisition of a (relative) strike out artist for a "pitch-to-contact" team; the commitment through 2018 (making Nolasco one of only 3 Twins guaranteed that long a deal); the degree of responsibility and position of "leader" foisted on a player who has only recently tasted meaningful baseball; the question of whether or not this will make any real difference to a team with so many pitching questions. But rather than ponder any of those things, we at Peanuts from Heaven will do what we do best: bring up something stupid and pretend it's important.

 

Consider, if you will, Ricky Nolasco's twitter feed (my brother pointed the change in logo to me as proof that he was in fact coming here). 

It is no stretch of the imagination to say that Nolasco's twitter feed makes ample use of the exclamation mark (19 in 6 posts, plus two more just for "LA"). A device that some writers of the English language use to show "excitement, vehement commands or emphasize the intensity of an emotion." Or, as we refer to that in Minnesota, "going crazy".

There have been very few Twins players or even fans in recent years, who could be accused of being either excited, vehement, or even having an intense emotion of any kind. So naturally we wonder, what Ricky Nolasco's first few days as a Twin will be like.

**Dream Sequence**

Ricky Nolasco sits at a pressconference table with Terry Ryan, Ron Gardenhire and (face of the franchise) Joe Mauer

Ryan: We are very proud to introduce Ricky Nolasco as the newest Minnesota Twin [polite applause from assembled reporters].

Nolasco: YEAH!! What's up TWIN CITIES?!?!?!!!!

Reporter: Ricky, how do you feel about joining the Twins?

Nolasco: Amazing!!! Obviously! I get to be in the land of 10,000 Lakes!! That's 9,999 more than LA could offer!!!

Reporter: Do you feel any pressure because of your contract?

Nolasco: Sure!! But I can do it!!!! We've got a tremendous group of guys here, including one of the greatest hitters of all time in Joe Mauer!!! I'm so pumped to play with you Joe!!!

Mauer: Thanks, Ricky. I'm...ummm...really excited to play with you too...you know?

Nolasco: And I get to be coached by a former manager of the year!!! That's awesome!! Nothing against Don Mattingly or Mike Redmond, but, c'mon!!! This is Ron Freaking Gardenhire!!!

Gardy: Thanks Ricky-y...'preciate that.

Nolasco: It's gonna be amazeballs, you guys!!! I know you've had some hard times, but there are some total badasses coming up from the minors!! It'll be great to see them mature! And I'm so grateful that management trusts me to be a leader on a team destined for greatness!!!!

Ryan: Easy, Ricky, let's not get too riled up just yet.

Nolasco: What do you mean!!!?! This is just how I talk!!!

Gardy: We normally try to be very calm and level headed whenever we can.

Nolasco: Oh, for sure, Skip!! Being level-headed is the BEST!!!

Mauer: What about, you know...polite, non-offensive, mutterings about trying hard and...ummm...stuff.

Nolasco: Sure, Joe! I'll try anything!! Why don't you try an exclamation!?!?!

Mauer: What would I exclaim about?

Nolasco: Anything!! Anything that makes your life great!! Your wife! Your kids!! Your job!!! 

Mauer: Wild Rice Soup!

Nolasco: OH MY GOD!! YOU GUYS HAVE WILD RICE SOUP!!?!?

*And....Scene....*

Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory. Or, should we say: Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory!!!!

The Promise of Players: A Blueprint to to Win the Game of Bases & Balls

'Tis the season for the best baseball minds (and me) in the Twinsblogosphere to offer their takes on what the local 9 ought to do to improve their roster. Using the Twins Daily Offseason Handbook as a guide, you take your best crack at improving the Twins. Many bloggers dig deep for undervalued gems, or carefully consider how to balance free agency with player development.

I choose an irrelevant theme and offer totally implausible pipe-dreams for about 1000 words.

Let's not mince words: the Twins are in trouble. Once a mighty force, feared throughout the land for their scrappiness and tenacity, the Twins have been brought to heel, defanged, and dismissed. They have bent the knee to the most powerful groups in the American League: Detroit, Boston, Tampa Bay and New York.

And that puts us exactly where we want to be.

King? Or Red Sock?

It may seem silly to think that a lowly group of bunglers like us--a group often looked at as mere comic relief--could put ourselves into a position of power any time in the near future. But if Game of Thrones has taught us anything (besides the fact that there's a whole lot of murder and nudity in George RR Martin's brain), it's that people without power can gain it very quickly provided they are willing to do a few slightly unscrupulous things.

Sure there may be some powerful people right now, but in George RR Martin's world, you're always just a boar hunt, lousy wedding reception or frozen-zombie attack away from being another corpse in the pile. The throne is won in the wheeling and dealing between the powerful and the (seemingly) powerless.

So, let's look at a few...guidelines...for how the Twins ought to behave if we want to improve our standing in this most dangerous game: the game of bases and balls!

Eddie Rosario in 2 Years

1. There are no "guests" or "squires" or "wards"...there are only prisoners
The biggest, strongest and most powerful lords of the land have a simple way to ensure loyalty: take a beloved child of minor houses into your home as a "ward" for several years. This ensures that minor houses don't rise up; if they do, you just slit the throat of your "ward" and they sit back down again. So the Twins may need to send some of their dearly beloved prospects off to more prominent places. Which is I suggest they trade Eddie Rosario and Jared Burton to Toronto for power throwing starter Marcus Stroman.

The Blue Jays have some solid pitching depth but are desperate to shore up second base. While they might find a shorter term solution elsewhere on the market, Rosario gives them someone to have for several years...of course, just because Rosario becomes their "ward" doesn't mean he actually cares for them, and when the time comes for the Twins to battle the Blue Jays for playoff position in a few years if he were to say, make errors in the field and betray Jose Bautista by decapitating him in the on-deck circle...well, we might be able to cut him in on a post-seasons hare.

2. Repairing your weaknesses is less important than exploiting the weaknesses of your rival
No house in the Game of Thrones universe thinks about what their rivals do well, they think about how to exploit their flaws be it hubris, wealth or insanity.

Okay Scott, we'll play your game

There's plenty of money flying around baseball, and sure the Twins have some of it, but not as much as other big name teams...so perhaps it would behoove us to use our rivals' wealth to our own gain. The Yankees are keen on splurging on Masahiro Tanaka? Let's up that bid by one dollar (a la that jerk on the Price is Right) until they dump 80 million. Scott Boras (the enemy of our enemy) needs a "mystery team" for upping the price on Stephen Drew or Suk-Min Yoon, we're happy to help. If played well, all of this costs us nothing and our rivals nearly everything. The bottom line is, it doesn't matter if we don't have money as long as our opponents spend it really, really badly.

3. A great sell-sword is preferable to a loyal knight.
Of course, getting our opponents to spend like idiots is even better if we spend what little money we do have really, really well.  Unfortunately, there are precious few pitchers who would pick Minnesota as a top destination, so our goal shouldn't just be to sign the best available, but those who have something to prove.

Think of it like this: we aren't looking for a brave and noble knight to carry our colors proudly or champion our side for the next decade; we're looking for someone who can keep us alive. So, much as we love brave Ser Liam and Ser Andrew we need someone who might make a difference.

Don't worry I have a clause prohibiting
Phil Hughes from doing this again...

They may not be loyal, but they're better than what we have. If they do well and we all get along we can If they abandon us or hear about better money elsewhere, so be it. If we find out that it's in our interest to sell their services elsewhere again, do it and do it fast.

So congratulations: Ser Josh Johnson (signed for 1 year, 9 Million) and Ser Phil Hughes (signed for 3 years 30 Million), you're both due golden opportunities.


4. Wars aren't won on the field, they're won by having the best set of counselors
As great as a good sell sword is, they can't do much of anything if you don't have the strategists and smarts to know what's worth doing and what's not. Without the right counselors you may well end up with a pot of gold poured on your head, or a smoke demon killing you.

(From L) Molina, Johnson, Kyle Gibson,  Santana
and Chavez discuss how to pitch the Yankees

For the Twins, this is even more important. With a young, inexperienced team it's important to surround our would-be-kings with people who know what it takes to lead: veterans with post-season/high performing experience. Recently, we haven't really done that, but that can be fixed by imprisoning a few people in nearby dungeons making some trades for long shot prospects. (sorry Ryan Doumit you've been traded to Seattle for LHPs Rusty Shellhorn and Roenis Elias and godspeed Kevin Corriea you've been traded to Colorado for SS Rosell Herrera and/or RHP Scott Oberg).

Now we can bring in what we need. A masterful caretaker catcher (Benjy Molina, 2 years 4.5/yr); a skilled warrior on his last legs...or arm as it were (Johan Santana, 1 year 5 M + playing/front office option); and a eunuch (Eric Chavez, 1 year 2 M). 

5. Witticisms win no wars, but they are fun.
Finally, we should say this: even with these changes the Twins will likely be below average, if not down right bad (just like life for most medieval houses no matter how conniving they try to be). That's why it's important to find little joys in life, like a wickedly funny dinner guest/prisoner/imp/mastermind/whoremonger.

Our Secret Weapon

So the natural result is that we should hire Peter Dinklage to be an assistant coach/honorary trash talker at all home games. It might seem like a terrible echo of baseball's sordid past with dwarves as mascots, but when you consider that this will probably cost about 3 million for just half a season of Dinklage related chicanery, it's a lot less cruel and a lot more like paying a man what he's worth.

Imagine the joy of having an in-character Dinklage razz rivals across the field ("I may not have a nose, but at least I don't have to catch the whiff of Adam Dunn's rancid stink"; "The wealth and the power the Yankees have will always make them a target. Fortunately, I always hit the targets I piss at.")

If I can paraphrase Bill Veeck: "A losing ball-team can draw more with beer and Peter Dinklage than with a long still silence."

So there you have it, my plan to help restore the Twins to Wooden Throne, or, if you're here because you were looking for Game of Thrones analysis, my conjectures as to what will be in Martin's next book. Below is a summary of the final results.

***

Trades:
Eddie Rosario and Jared Burton to Toronto for RHP Marcus Stroman and a betrayal to be named later
Ryan Doumit to Seattle for LHPs Rusty Shellhorn and Roenis Elias
Kevin Corriea to Colorado for SS Rosell Herrera and/or RHP Scott Oberg

Signings:
Phil Hughes--10 Million/year
Josh Johnson--9 Million
Johan Santana--5 Million
Benjy Molina--4.5 Million
Peter Dinklage--3 Million
Eric Chavez--2 Million

Lineup: Molina/Mauer/Dozier/Florimon/Plouffe/Willingham/Hicks/Arcia/Chavez
Bench: Pinto/Colabello/Escobar/Mastroianni
Rotation: Johnson/Hughes/Santana/Deduno/(Gibson, Diamond, Stroman, et. al)
Bullpen: Swarzak/Welker/Tonkin/Fien/Duensing/Theilbar/Perkins

Total Salary: $82 Million

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat that Matters (Pt. 3: The Pitchers and Staff)

This is the first in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, then we used it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers and staff members.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

Few areas of the Twins organization were as woebegone and bedraggled as the pitching staff. For the third straight year the rotation was abominable, the ERA's were up and the bullpen was overtaxed. Criticizing the pitching staff has passed "going to the lake" and "enjoying three days without storm windows" in top summer pastimes in Minnesota.

Alongside the pitching staff, the front office and managerial staff of the Twins has been similarly critiqued by everyone from my grandma to new born infants. Whether it's Ron Gardenhire's exhausted answers at post-game press conferences, Terry Ryan's intransigence with free agents, or Jim Pohlad's perceived salary dump midseason, the only thing less popular than a Twins pitcher is a Twins executive.

But surely, they aren't all that bad! With that I present a break down of the Twins Pitchers and Staff by AARP.

Vance Worley
Play: Let's keep this simple: Vance Worley stank.  -1.2
Nickname: "Vanimal" is still a pretty solid nickname, even if it captures more of his erratic, irresponsible, total uncontrollable nature 0.5
Traits: Faux-hawk is at least some kind of style 0.3
Demeanor: Given how little time he spent at the big league level, it's hard to tell -0.1
Oddities: A little bit punk, a little bit of quirky history, a whole lot of awkward silence 0.2
AARP: -0.3

Liam Hendricks

Play: The Aussie had the best winning percentage of his career...it was 1-3 and came along with an absurdly high ERA and WHIP, but still! -0.4
Nickname: I don't think "Crocodile Hendree" is going to work, but it's better than nothing 0.1
Traits: He's Australian!! And apparently the accent is catnip to lady Twins fans 0.7
Demeanor: He seems like a nice enough guy, but also a terribly self defeated one -0.2
Oddities: Again, he's AUSTRALIAN!! 0.1
AARP: 0.3

Brian Duensing

Play: Now that he doesn't have to face a line up more than once, Duensing is more frequently effective, especially against lefties...except for all the times he's not 0.3

Nickname: Twins Centric calls him "The Duenslinger" I prefer "You Make me Feel Like Duensing!", they're long ways to go for a joke...but I'm amused by it. 0.3
Traits: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much to set him apart -0.1
Demeanor: A Nebraskan? Yeah, not much obvious attitude -0.1
Oddities: He was in line to be a high school English teacher, so I like him; and he did out perform fellow Husker Joba Chamberlain, so that's a plus 0.2
AARP: 0.6

Kevin Correia
Play: Our pre-season designated scapegoat actually turned out to be our most consistent and reliable starter...which says a lot...sadly 0.5

Nickname: He couldn't really live up to scape goat status or win any new ones -0.2
Traits: Despite going the whole season with us, I kept forgetting he was due to pitch 0.0
Demeanor: Durable, willing to keep trying even when he's pitching for the Twins 0.2
Oddities: He wasn't totally awful, which qualifies as odd in Twins Territory 0.1
AARP: 0.6

Anthony Swarzak

Play: He came through with one of his best seasons ever, thank god for long relief 0.6

Nickname: We're staying satisfied with calling him the Swarzak duck...god I need better pitcher nicknames 0.1
Traits: He was once suspended for pot... 0.1
Demeanor: A strong armed reliever...like all our strong armed relievers -0.1
Oddities: Pretty much just the pot thing... 0.1
AARP: 0.8


Glen Perkins

Play: In his first all-star season, Perkins was far and away the best pitcher on the staff...if only he was still a starter 1.4
Nickname: "Perky" "Perk-Dogg" "Perkins Pancake Special" "Dread Pirate Joe Nathan (because the real Dread Pirate Nathan retired to Texas a little while ago) -0.2
Traits: Minnesota born and bred, and looks like it 0.2
Demeanor: Steady and sure on the mound and in interviews, a nice combination after our recent...unpleasantness 0.9
Oddities: Uses SABR-metrics to study his own work 0.3
AARP: 2.4

Samuel Deduno

Play: Despite an injury that delayed the start of his season, Deduno performed well when he started his season--or as well as a crazily inconsistent Deduno can 0.8

Nickname: "It's Not Delivery, It's Deduno" and "Samuel De-dude-bro"; If only something summarized how wild he can get 0.4
Traits: Permanently grizzled, but with a body the width of a tooth pick  0.3
Demeanor: Willingly goes cuckoo banana pants when he pitches well  1.1
Oddities: Wild as he is, Deduno is apparently the last best Dominican pitcher left in the bigs  0.6
AARP: 3.2

Ron Gardenhire

Performance: Helped the team overachieve in the spring and underachieve in the fall 0.3

Nickname: "Gardy" "The Unhappy Gnome" 0.4
Traits: Fuzzy, scruffy, as rosy cheeked as Santa with none of the sanity 0.4
Demeanor: Either heavily sedated or in a rage 0.2
Oddities: Ended the year 2 wins short of 1,000; leads current managers in ejections; does tend to use "y" or "ie" in lieu of a nickname: ex. Doumsy, Perky, Benny, Baracky 0.3
AARP: 1.6

Terry Ryan

Performance: Much as we love Terry Ryan and drink his Kool Aid, his inability/disinterest in finding starting pitchers is a little grating 0.1
Nickname: TR, Ol' Bluff and Ready -0.2
Traits: Totally bald, I sometimes wonder if he wears sunglasses to avoid too much reflection from his head 0.0
Demeanor: "Placid" is an understatement, more like "perpetually dormant" 0.0
Oddities: Has a fondness for dressing up and going on Let's Make a Deal...at least in my imagination 0.1
AARP: 0.0

Jim Pohlad

Performance: A hands off owner, it doesn't really matter much 0.0
Nickname: "Mr Money Bags Jr." -0.1
Traits: None noticed 0.0
Demeanor: Mostly calm, slightly irritated by the teams failures...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.1
Oddities: None...hey, like most Minnesotans! 0.0
AARP: 0.0

Put it all together and you have a pitching staff that's as hard to appreciate as players, and even harder to appreciate as fan favorites. Please, let there be a quirky pitcher out there somewhere...anywhere...

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat That Matters (Pt. 2: The Hitters)

This is the second in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduced the stat, now we're using it to analyze hitters, finally we'll use it to analyze pitchers.

Anyone can evaluate a player's performance in the field, but what about their performance in the field of entertainment?

The Twins completed their third straight 90-loss season, but rather than chastise the unproductive and cheer the talented, I'm here to praise the players who made it fun to watch games in an otherwise lost season, and punish those who made it tough to be a Twins fan. Using the totally-made-up revolutionary new statistic, AARP (Amusement Above Replacement Players) I'll quantify the contributions made by a few note worthy Twins this year.

A player with a high AARP should appreciate this meme

Coming into this season there were lots of high hopes for the offense. If they did what they had done the year before and the pitching made even a marginal improvement the Twins might be on the outskirts of the playoff race by the time July rolled around.

Instead, the pitchers were on point early on in the season, while the bats were stone cold. And though the pitchers turned into pumpkins around about May, the offense remained as sluggish as the crowd at a Sons of Norway Meatball supper all throughout the summer. In an effort to improve things, management jettisoned underperforming veterans (Jamey Carroll and Justin Morneau) and played the revolving door call-up game with underperforming prospects (Aaron Hicks, Chris Parmelee and Oswaldo Arcia). It wasn't terribly successful and in the end of the year a concussion for Joe Mauer saw our one consistently potent weapon spending weeks in rehab rather than an inning on the field.

Going forward the Twins need to find some kind of offensive identity: piranha style slash and dash? Mauer-powered double carousels? Pull happy homer fests? All are possibilities. But however they choose to play the game, they'll need amusing players to sell it to fans, and we're here to evaluate just how amusing current players were this season, so we can tell if they'll be useful long term.

Here now, the Twins hitters, as measured by AARP.

(Remember -8 to -.6 is an unlikable player; -.5 to .5 is a forgettable player, .6 to 2.0 is an every day major leaguer, 2.1 to 5.0 is a fan favorite 5.1 to 8.0 is a nationally recognizable talent, 8.1 to 10.0 is a national favorite)

Chris Parmelee
Play: Parmelee just didn't have the bat that we hoped he did, and now it's clear why his defense made him such an intinerant fielder throughout his minor league career. 0.1
Nickname: We were rooting for calling him "Chicky Chicky Parm Parm" in a Parks and Rec reference, but I don't think Parmelee deserves it 0.2
Traits: Mostly bland and unrecognizable 0.1
Demeanor: Just a work a-day ball player -0.1
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP:  0.3

Trevor Plouffe
Play: From time to time his bat clicks in the perfect way, but more often than not his defense is so bad that watching it through a bag on your head seems to be the only viable option 0.4
Nickname: "Plouffe Daddy" "Plouffe Diddy" "Plouffe There It Is"--all great signs of Plouffe's cool yet irritating double nature. Harry Potter Fans may still just call him "TREVOR!!" 0.5
Traits: As you'd expect of a close friend to Delmon Young he's both cocky and seemingly oblivous to his failures -0.3
Demeanor: Quiet, distant, nonchalant -0.1
Oddities: None...other than the really weird plays -0.1
AARP: 0.4

Darrin Mastroianni
Play: Hampered by injury, Mastroianni went from a starter to a footnote this season  -0.5
Nickname: None 0.2
Traits: None noticed 0.3
Demeanor: None noticed 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 0.4


Oswaldo Arcia
Play: Statistically, Oswaldo doesn't seem that impressive. By league wide standards he's below average (-.4 WAR), but given his youth, potential and the awesome sight of home runs leaving his bat, his play has a slightly different feel for fans who watched him regularly 0.8
Nickname: I tried "Blizzard of Os" or "Blizzard Wizard" but neither of those really work and "Where's Waldo" is just odd -0.2
Traits: Tall, bulky, with a hesitating and thick Spanish accent. 0.2
Demeanor: Quiet beyond the field, a little proud on it 0.1
Oddities: None, a typical quasi-cocky kid 0.0
AARP: 0.9




Josmil Pinto
Play: Though he only made it up briefly at the end of the season, and has a skewed sample size (see Parmelee, Chris) he was pretty impressive when he was there 0.3
Nickname: None...yet -0.2
Traits: None noticed -0.1
Demeanor: Pretty self amused, full of aww shucks surprise at his good fortune to be in the game 0.4
Oddities: Walks up to the plate to Mumford and Sons...making him the Twins first "Hipster- American" player and my wife's new favorite 0.6
AARP: 1.0

Ryan Doumit
Play: I'm awfully amused by Ryan Doumit, but I get the sense that few others are. A back up catcher who doesn't catch, Rightfielder who doesn't field and designated hitter who had only a few good weeks of hitting this year -0.1
Nickname: I like calling him "Ryan Suave" but I'm alone on that one 0.1
Traits: Permanently scruffy, often quiet, usually distant 0.3
Demeanor: Seemingly cranky when he doesn't get his shot -0.1
Oddities: I may be the only one to notice or care, but Doumit's propensity for leaving three or more buttons undone is something out of Magic Mike 0.8
AARP: 1.0



Pedro Florimon
Play: Awful hitting, really good fielding 0.6
Nickname: None, maybe "Flor-E-mon" for those who aren't satisfied with his defense -0.3
Traits: So quiet and distant that you forget he's out there, seems to have inherited Alexi Cassila's role on the team and his goofy little goatee 0.2
Demeanor: Silent during the game, happy enough to do the jump at the end of the game 0.1
Oddities: He does the same unbuttoned shirt thing as Ryan Doumit, albeit less frequently  0.4
AARP: 1.0

Josh Willingham
Play: After a tremendous first season in Minnesota, Willingham's injury plagued sophmore showing had some looking for a way to get rid of him 0.3
Nickname: "The Hammer" "Willing Hammer" and other hardware puns--I still think the blonde bomber looks like Thor, but I haven't been able to sell that one yet 0.6
Traits: Big, eye black wearing beast of a hitter, easy-going 0.4
Demeanor: Southern-fried courtesy, has some good old Deep Thoughts moments 0.4
Oddities: None 0.0
AARP: 1.7

Brian Dozier
Play: In addition to competent fielding (a rare thing in a Twins second baseman) Dozier had above average hitting (a very bizarre thing a Twins second baseman) 1.4
Nickname: "Brian Dozer", "Bull Dozier", "Tupelo Two Bagger" 0.7
Traits: Beautiful flowing mane of hair, awesome southern accent 1.1
Demeanor: Calm, happy go lucky, easy to talk to and willing to make a few small jokes 0.2
Oddities: None really, other than coming from the same town as Elvis and a recent anthrax mailer 0.3
AARP: 3.7


Joe Mauer
Play: After all the razzing and jokes at the expense of his "bilateral leg weakness", #7 came back with a great season, at least until the concussion knocked him out of the last month of the year 1.9
Nickname: "Chairman Mau-er", "The Joebot" 1.4
Traits: The sideburns have been shaved, but the standard issue Minnesota humility is still on display 1.0
Demeanor: He's got charisma in commercials, in average interviews he sounds like a plate of mashed potatoes  0.4
Oddities: Since we know him, we know about some of the weirder quirks--only because he's our own Prince William. So the "rap" career, the "Twin" babies, the fan mail mom are all endearing oddities to us, even if they're missed on a more national scale  0.5
AARP: 5.2

So by my reckoning, the current Twins line-up has one nationally recognizable talent (Mauer, naturally) one local favorite (Dozier), and five players who are about as amusing as the average major league you watch close to 100 times a year. I'm not even trying to count guys like Alex Pressly, Eduardo Escobar, or Chris Colabello (all of whom have to rank about near Parmelee levels right now.

Sure, Buxton and Sano have all the potential to be interesting and engaging players when their times come, but in addition to a decent middle infielder and a slugging first basemen, the Twins should put some time into developing a little personality in the batters box.

Think my ratings are bogus, you're probably right, they are totally subjective and made up...but unless you say something I'll never know. Offer your revised AARP ratings in the comments below.

The 2013 Twins by the Only Stat That Matters (Pt. 1: The Stat)

This is the first in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduce the stat, then we use it to analyze hitters, then we use it to analyze pitchers.

There's plenty of time to dissect the Twins' season, and there are plenty of people to do it. Rather than crunch the numbers or analyze the trends, I prefer to dissect it in the best way I know how: poorly!

It's in that spirit that I offer the following new statistic: AARP or Amusement Above Replacement Player. [I am well aware that AARP is also the name of the American Association of Retired People, which gives AARP a 8.43 AARS (that's Amusement Above Replacement Statistic) score.]

Copyright/schmopyright.

Why invent such a meaningless statistic you ask? Why not? I answer.

Statistics are not fixed or holy things, they get to be whatever we want them to be. While much of baseball is designed to be measured and quantified (from the 90 feet between the bases, to every degree of drop on a curve), much of it has yet be measured or quantified (from how important it is to have "good guys" in the clubhouse to how willingly we as fans will watch bad baseball because the way a hitter waggles his bat makes us giggle). And since no one else was doing it, I figured I might as well.

Assigning a number to something like "amusing antics" may seem unnecessary or even stupid. Of course it's stupid. So is measuring the degree of drop on every pitchers curveball. This is America, and this is the internet. If you're looking for necessary and intelligent things, you've clearly come to the wrong place.

So, what is AARP and how do we measure it?

As I envision it (and since I'm making it up, that's all that matters), AARP measures a player's contributions, on the field and off, to provide amusement and enjoyment to fans. Certainly a player's actual performance has an effect on that: hit a homer, boost your AARP, come into a tie game and give up five straight hits, your AARP takes a hit.

We like successful players, but we also like players just because they are themselves. So the statistic also considers things like: a player's ability to earn and maintain a nickname (and no, adding -y/-ie to the end of a name doesn't make it a nickname--sorry fans of "Frankie" Liriano); their notable physical and personality traits (thereby giving credit to the short, the squat, the bearded and the crazy); their general attitude and demeanor (the more personable and interesting and less robotic the better); and miscellaneous oddities (i.e. Delmon saying his favorite book is The Great Gatsby or Eduardo Escobar's at bat music being a song from Grease).

Like WAR (Wins Above Replacement) or VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), AARP can have a positive or a negative score. Each category has a range of -2 to +2 and totals up to give their overall AARP. A positive score reflects a player who makes the game enjoyable to watch (however mildly), zero reflects someone whose existence you forget about between games, and a negative one reflects a player who leaves you so bored, depressed or upset that anything (even Kardashians, Ginsu knife infomercials, and "Channel Not Available" notifications) seems to be a more valuable source of entertainment.

How would the stat work? Consider these examples

Eric Fryer: The Forgettable type (-.5 to .5)

Play: Below average at an inconsequential time -0.1

Nickname: None -0.2

Traits: None noticed 0.0

Demeanor: None noticed 0.0

Oddities: None 0.0

AARP: -0.3

Jason Bartlett: An everyday major leaguer (.5-2.0)

Play: Adequate (slightly better once he left the team) 0.7

Nickname: None -0.2

Traits: Little scruffy goatee 0.2

Demeanor: Calm 0.2

Oddities: Name might remind you of The West Wing or a book of quotations. 0.4

AARP: 1.3

Ben Revere: A local favorite (2.1-5.0)

Play: Great in the field, great base runner, terrible at hitting 0.8

Nickname: None (Save for maybe Midnight Rider) 0.0

Traits: Big smile, giddy laugh 0.7

Demeanor: Happy and excited 0.4

Oddities: Superman style leaps after balls, summersaulting triples 0.4

AARP: 2.3

Michael Cuddyer: a nationally notable player (5.1-8.0) 

Play: Impressive arm, above average bat. 1.7

Nickname: "Cuddles" "Magic Man" 1.8

Traits: Big dimples, fondness for magic 2.0

Demeanor: Personable, engaging, happy to talk with fans 1.3

Oddities: Not many--typical dude. 0.0

AARP: 6.8

Carlos Gomez: A player who captivates casual and serious fans alike  (8.1-10)

Play: Phenomenal defense (recently, good offense) 1.5

Nickname: "Gogo" "Mojo Gogo" "Go, go, Gomez" "Rin-go!" 1.8

Traits: Hyperactivity, silliness, goofiness, sporadic bouts of petulance, funny little beard 1.9

Demeanor: Happy, excitable, willing to talk about anything even if you don't understand him 1.7

Oddities: Smelling bats, raptor yells in dug out 2.0

AARP: 8.9

Alex Rodriguez: A player who irritates casual and serious fans alike (< -.5)

Play: Very good at the plate, above average in the field 1.9

Nickname: A-Rod, A-Hole .2

Traits: Really toolish, egotistical, self-obsessed, obnoxiously pretty -2.0

Demeanor: Egotistical, better than thou, convinced of massive conspiracy against him -2.0

Oddities: Supposedly has a portrait of himself as a centaur, has movie star girlfriends feed him popcorn -2.0

AARP: -3.7

Sure there's room to debate the accuracy of these scores, especially since what is amusing to me may not be amusing to you. After all, if a statistic is subjective, is it really a statistic anymore?

Then again, this is a totally made up statistic that doesn't actually exist beyond the confines of this weird little corner of cyber space, so maybe we shouldn't spend too much time worrying about that, and just use this as a mildly amusing way to pass the offseason.

In that spirit I'll use AARP to analyze how the Twins did in 2013, staring with a few notable hitters, then moving on to the pitchers and front office staff. And while the management seems generally disinclined to consider statistics in their evaluations of talent, maybe a made up statistic will have more credence with them and we'll build for a future when the Twins are both talented and fun!

An Alternate Reality Solution to the Twins Problems

I read this in the Economist last week

Cuban athletes in all sports will now be allowed to compete in foreign leagues, as long as they pay taxes of around 20% at home and remain available to play for their country in major competitions.

 ...

Unfortunately for MLB, however, the new policy will have only a minimal impact on the league’s access to Cuban stars....The United States’ trade embargo bans any transaction that would fund the Castros’ government. As a result, the requirement that Cuban athletes playing abroad pay local taxes on their income would prevent MLB clubs from signing players who plan to comply. 

So naturally I came up with this simple, totally impossible, utterly unfeasible, only in an alternate reality solution. I hope you enjoy it: dare to dream fans, dare to dream.

TWINS TERRITORY SECEDES FROM USA

New Nation Lends Support to Cuban Regime

Puckettsburgh, TT

In a stunning announcement yesterday, a section of the country known as Twins Territory announced that they would secede from the United States of America and form their own sovereign nation.

"The time has come for, you know, action," said newly appointed supreme Chairman Mauer. "And, huh, you know, It's best for us all to separate ourselves from the bickering and squabbling over debt ceilings and Obamacare and acknowledge that while America has had a good run, it's best for us to get out while the getting is good."

Chairman Mauer then added, "I mean, how much worse could it be than our current system?"

The new republic will encompass large sections of what was formerly Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota and Iowa. Concerns that those who live in the demarcated region may not be Twins fans were immediately allayed by Minister of Martial Redistricting Ron Gardenhire, "we're going to do one of those partitionsies. Mauersy and I talked about it and feel real good about it. It was kinda rough for India-y and Pakistan for a while, but you know, they battled and got through it and uh, real proud of them."

As for how the nation will sustain a functioning economy Minister of Financial Oversight Jim Pohlad was quick to explain. "We figure that a lot of people will keep coming to support us, and without American taxes to hold us back we can spend as much as we like. Beyond that, we've got some great corporate partners lined up, oh...and Best Buy...we've got them too. Plus the Wilfs said we could just have "personal living licenses to raise revenue, that seems like a winner."

But the shocking first act of the new country was to appoint Tony Oliva as official Twins Territory Ambassador to Cuba. As Chairman Mauer said: "It's a, ummm, no-brainer, you know. Uhh, Tony has the experience and the commitment and the willingness to do what it takes to win, so...yeah."

Oliva's first task will be to reopen trade negotiations between the two states, the result of which will be that Cubans can play in Twins Territory without the hassle of often dangerous attempts to defect. Players would be able to return home and improve the lives of their families and loved ones rather than being forced to remain alienated in a foreign land indefinitely. 

"I don't know if they'll remember me," said Oliva, "but hey, it's no crazier than signing Nishioka, and a whole lot faster than waiting for us to develop a pitcher."

Adopting a large portion of Cuba's talent pool into the Twins Minor League system already has Baseball experts salivating. "First Sano, then Buxton and now this?" said ESPN's baseball/foreign affairs analyst Keith Law. "The Twins might be the craziest pack of lunatics outside of North Korea, but crazy has its benefits."

Why are we listening to this?

That was my wife's question to me on Friday night as we drove to Culver's to use a buy one get one free coupon. We got the coupon at a ballgame this summer...a Saints game. Driving to Culver's to redeem it, listening to the Twins (a team that didn't even win me a scoop of ice cream this year) struggling against the Indians, it took me a second to think of an answer to that question.

Then I did.

1. It's the Twins.
2. It's baseball.
3. I love it.
4. I love hearing Josmil Pinto walk up to Mumford & Sons.
5. I love hearing the crack of Oswaldo Arcia's bat.
6. I love picturing Brian Dozier's mullet billowing in the breeze when he dives to make a play.
7. I love the thrill of the crowd when Pedro Forimon does his job.
8. I love the mystery of which Trevor Plouffe is going to turn up on any given day.
9. I love the dream of Josh Willingham getting his stuff together.
10. I love Ryan Doumit hobbling in the field, the basepaths, and up to the plate.
11. I love remembering that in a world of image-obsessed, ego-maniacal, stat-crazed athletes, there is a guy like Joe Mauer who will keep the same hair cut, the same "help the team" approach to hitting, and the same god awful interview skills day in and day out.
12. I love Dick Bremer's childlike enthusiasm.
13. I love making fun of Cory Provus for forgetting the count, the inning, the score and the names of half the players
14. I love the daydreams and rambling memories of Dan Gladden and Bert Blyleven.
15. I love imagining goofy photoshops for Terry Ryan.
16. I love Glen Perkins pitching well whether it matters or not.
17. I love envisioning Bobby Cuellar playing frankenstein with relief pitchers until we have what we need to keep a lead (just in case we ever get one)
18. I love the "surprise in every bite" style of pitching you get from Samuel Deduno.
19. I love the awshucks luck of Andrew Albers
20. I love the stubborn persistence of hardluck Liam Hendricks
21. I love Gardy tantrums.
22. I love having ready made arguments with my mom.
23. And with my dad.
24. And with my father-in-law.
25. And with all the wonderful blog-dwelling fans in the internet.

And most of all, I listen to it, because I miss all of those things for the three-four months of the year when the Twins aren't around.

Oh, Twins, you shouldn't have!
Really...you shouldn't have.

As it happens, I didn't actually have to list all those reasons, the first three were enough to remind my wife why she listens to it too. (As was looking at the St. Paul Grill's Scotch Menu to see a Talisker 25 as her victory drink for correctly predicting the Twins record this year.)

I realize that there's more and more of a push from fans to demand answers, a better product, and greater accountability from a franchise that values loyalty and community over production and success. But as long as there are games to be played and players to be cheered, I'll be a helpless, silver-lining loving fan first, and a critic a very distant second.

The season's over now, and in the absence of the Twins we'll have to make do with other amusements. We'll be riding the Pirates bandwagon for as long as that ride lasts. We'll be watching the Minnesota Opera try to fend off the Kansas City Lyric Opera for the Central division opera crown (it helps that we started our season with Kelly Kaduce!--who sounds like her name should be chanted like "LEWWWWW" Ford's once was). We'll think about the World Cup a little (okay, I'll think about it a lot and my wife won't think about it at all.) We'll obsess over Sherlock and Downtown Abbey with the same intensity that we put into obsessing about the winter meetings and MLBTradeRumors.com.

But rest assured, that wherever there is love to share for the Twins, wherever there is irrational hope to be promoted, and wherever there a dumb jokes to make...we'll be there.