What the World Needs Now:

Is more news from the Alternate Universe Twins, who are proud to welcome Right Fielder Frank Robinson to the clubhouse. A man who actually hits homeruns...a lot of homeruns...and still finds time to run into walls, slide into bases, and spit into faces of authority. What a guy.

Upon joining the clubhouse Robinson and the rest of the Alternate Universe Twins had the following discussion.

HONUS WAGNER: Welcome Frankie.

YOGIE BERRA: Glad you're here, Frank.

TY COBB: [Grunt]

JACKIE ROBINSON: Nice to have you with us, Frank.

PEPPER MARTIN: Hey! Now we've got two Robinsons, maybe you guys are related!! Ha, ha...ha-- [noticing no one has laughed, Martin becomes quiet and looks at his shoes]

FRANKIE FRISCH: It's great to have you on our side, Frank.

MARTIN: Hey! Now we've got two Franks! Maybe you guys are related!! Ha, ha...ha--[again no one laughs, and Martin checks his shoelaces again]

F-ROB: Thanks you guys, it's great to see you. But I suppose I should meet with the manager.... Who is the manager?

[Awkward Pause]

FRISCH, BERRA, WAGNER, COBB: I AM!

COBB: You big, sauer-kraut eating, Herman-Hesse reading, Berlin-Wall spackling lummox! You ain't no manager, ya only done it for 6 games!

WAGNER: It was Pittsburgh, nobody wants to manage in Pittsburgh [grumble of consensus] Besides. I'm the oldest, the wisest and the most German of all of us. So I should do it!

COBB: I should do it! I'm the meanest man in the history of the whole wide world [grumble of consensus] Y'all would do what I say soon as I told ya, 'cuz everybody loves the person they hate!

[Pause, even Berra looks confused]

FRISCH: Ty would you like to have friends on this plane of existence? Then don't say stupid stuff...that's Yogi's job [Cobb gets quiet]. Look this is silly, I'm the one who won a World Series! I should be manager!!

BERRA: But I managed in two World Series!! You only made it to one!! And Two is twice as much as half of one! 

[Pause...Math is stupid]

F-ROB: You know, I've managed more than Yogi, Honus and Ty put together and I've won almost as much as Frankie without the benefit of having good players.

WAGNER: Yet you cried when you took out Matthew/Fatthew LeCroy for stinking at catcher.

F-ROB: [Getting teary eyed] I didn't want to embarrass him, he's a good man, and a tough player and I didn't do the right thing...

COBB: Cry baby

F-ROB: [Punches Cobb in the face] PUNK! Don't you ever make fun of emoting!! It is what seperates us from the animals--

[Everyone argues at once]

JACKIE ROBINSON: Guys...guys...guys!

[Shouting dies down]

BERRA: I like pudding.

J-ROB: Might I make the suggestion that maybe we shouldn't have a player manager. Maybe...just maybe, we should have one guy focus on the managing and the rest of us focus on the playing?

WAGNER: But who could it be?

J-ROB: Well, this is Minnesota. Who ever it would be would have to be wily, crafty, he would have more wins and more pennants than all of you, so you all would respect him, he would have to be capable of great profanity, used to getting thrown out of games, and he would need an impeccable sense of timing.

["We Can Work It Out" begins to play on clubhouse radio. And a man appears in the hallways. He is short, a little paunchy with white hair flying out behind him in his fury as he berates a peanut vendor.]

EARL WEAVER: You call these @^&#$^@ Peanuts!! They aren't salted!! They aren't Heavenly!! You're a &$%^#^%@ing  ^^$%@#er!! [Peanut vendor looks scared] Yeah! Yeah!! That's right..look scared! Cry a little! That'll salt the peanuts just right!! [Wever knocks the peanut bag into the air and marches forward through the tunnels muttering] Rass-afrassing-$%&@^-a-@%%%&*!!!

COBB:...I like him.

So it was that Earl Weaver was made manager of the Alternate Universe Twins. Because on Valentine's Day, what the world needs now is love, sweet love.

Happy Valentine's Day.