Shakin' it up

Go San Francisco woooooooooooooo.
And now that that's out of the way... OK just kidding, I love San Fran. I lived there for almost a year and I'm sure all my bay-area friends are freaking out with happiness, but secretly I was kind of rooting for the Rangers. I think being a Twins Fan has made me unable to not root for the underdog in any given situation (as evidenced by the fact that my honorary NL team is the Pirates... seriously).

Since it is now officially the offseason, I thought I should address the fact that there will probably be a LOT of changes on the Twins roster this offseason. What will our team look like next spring? And, more importantly, who will populate the cast of characters we both love and mock? Here's a glimpse of who could go (and some unsolicited opionions):
Jim Thome (aka The Smoke Monster): He is the only LOST reference on this blog. Plus he's just awesome, and he's a nice guy. I can totally picture him grilling burgers with my dad. Verdict - KEEP.
Carl Pavano (dirty-stache): On the one hand, his moustache looks like a dead rodent. On the other hand, he was nominated for an award because of said moustache, and also he's pretty good at baseball. Verdict - KEEP.
Jesse Crain (Ze Ubermensch): While I do love to make Nietzsche jokes every once in a while, and while Jesse Crain is an extremely nice dude, he also gives me a heart attack every time he walks to the mound. Verdict - Meh.
Matt Gurrier: I don't think he has a character on the blog actually (Scruffy please correct me if I'm wrong). But we do need someone in the bullpen, and he's not bad. Verdict - Meh.
John Rauch: He has a freaky neck tattoo, and if I never again see his bad-ass video on the big screen at Target Field, I might cry. Verdict - KEEP (hey, I never said my opinions were based on facts or rationale).

Kubel - sort of surprising, sort of unexpected. He didn't have a great year and although I love the dude, and he looks a lot like my friend John, both Scruffy and I were leaning towards "trade him."

Punto - sad, but not necessarily surprising or unexpected. Nick Punto is awesome... I have always been a fan, never a hater. I know he was on the DL twice this year, but if the organization is gong to keep someone around for that long, they can't do it out of friendship and good feelings forever...eventually they need to reinvest that money in someone who will produce. I get that. But I'm still hopeful he won't go.

What are your thoughts? We want to know!! Especially if your thoughts involve unicorns, cake, or other characters from LOST.

(and yes, I am in class right now. boom.)


  1. I'm going to say that we ought to keep O-Dog, Orlando Hudson. Sure he wasn't hitting a lick the last few weeks of the season, and sure he's convinced he deserves a lot more money than the market wants to pay him...but of all the Twins he bears the most resemblance to fast talking, fast moving Carlos Gomez.

    Also...I bet he'd be a great chaser on the offseason quidditch team. (I assume that baseball players stay in shape by attending Hogwarts Gym of Witchcraft and Weight Training.)

  2. Yeah... I agree but it's looking unlikely that we'll keep him, according to reports from camp :(

  3. You want LOST characters? I'll give you LOST characters.

    Delmon Young = John Locke. Not Smoke Monster Locke, just regular Locke. He so clearly has some supernatural gift, but made a series of boneheaded decisions (getting Boone killed, not pushing the button, throwing a bat at an umpire, eating) that made us all wonder whether he could truly make it on the island. But he came up big when it counted (trying to keep Widmore's boat crew off the island). Hopefully Delmon doesn't suffer the same fate as Locke.

    Carl Pavano = Desmond Hume. Unsung, underappreciated, but super clutch. Name a bad Desmond episode. Just one. You can't. He always comes up clutch. "The Constant". The "You're gonna die, Charlie" episode. The "Desmond figures out that everybody's actually dead" episode. All great, all of them. Likewise, whenever the Twins needed a huge start (such as when Blackburn and Slowey managed to give up 15 runs in 3.1 innings in consecutive starts) Pavano comes up big.

    Drew Butera = Penelope Hume nee Widmore. This should be obvious.

    Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau = Sawyer and Jack Shepard. 'Cause the ladies need something to fight over. Also, Justin Morneau is Jack. This will be important later.

    Brian Duensing = Sayid Jarrah. Kept on the bench for long periods of time, but he is utterly ruthless when released upon the unsuspecting masses. Torturer, murderer, lover, husband. He has the whole package.

    Francisco Liriano and Francisco Liriano's left elbow = Sun and Jin Kwon. Just masterful from the start. I dare you to watch the Season One finale and not bawl at their goodbye scene. Unfortunately, they were ripped apart at the end of Season Four with all of us wondering if we would ever see Jin/Liriano's elbow ever again. After two long years apart, they were finally reunited in a beautiful, touching manner and we all cheered and hugged and cried. Of course, Sun and Jin were quickly killed, but I don't really like to talk about that.

    Ron Gardenire = Hugo "Hurley" Reyes. Lovable guy, always good for a laugh, whether it's building a golf course on a deserted island or tooling around in a 1970s VW bus. Also a little bit crazy. And when he's handed the reins of the Twins/Island everybody kind of said "Huh? Him?". But he led the team/island to an era of prosperity that nobody thought possible.

    Jim Thome = Ben Linus. I understand the thinking behind making Thome the Smoke Monster, but here's the thing. The Smoke Monster's the bad guy. Always. Thome spent 15 years playing for the Indians/Bitch Sox and when he signed with the Twins everybody was all "Fine, we'll take him. But we're not going to play him much. He'll pinch hit when we really need him but he'll never be a true Twin." Then Jack/Morneau died and Hurley/Gardy turned to Ben/Thome and said "I need you to be my number two." And Thome responded, "You know, I've been doing this island/baseball thing for a long time and I've always been the bad guy. Maybe it's time I started using my knowledge/Thunder Stick for good." And that's how I ended up owning a t-shirt that says "When Teddy Roosevelt said 'Speak softly and carry a big stick,' he was talking about Jim Thome."

    JJ Hardy = Claire (whatever her last name is). Missing for extended periods of time due to injury/kidnapping/disappearance, and when he/she finally came back at the end of the season/series, he/she didn't really perform to expectations.

    That's all I've got for now. I'm pretty sure there's a Joe Nathan as Eko or Nathan/Neshek as Boone/Shannon floating around somewhere. But I've spent the last 45 minutes at work on this so I should probably do some actual work now.

  4. Wow Tyler, that's like...98 billion kinds of awesome.

    I bow in humble awe.