TWINS HOT STOVE NEWS: Week of November 2nd-November 9th
Last time a Minnesota team brought back a 40-year-old legend who seemed to be his old dynamic self...well, that would be this year with Brett Favre wouldn't it? However, Twins fans should not fear a Favre style devolution into clubhouse drama. When Jim Thome texts he uses the Gutenberg printing press.
Moreover, they even fail to be listed as a team who made a bid by various news agencies :( I wouldn't worry about the Twins lack of presence in Asia, it just means that we can have a leg up on all the future European and African prospects...think we could sign Didier Drogba?
True story: the only time I've ever seat hopped in my life was to get down close in the Metrodome's left field so my buddy (Joe Fawbush) could yell out: "JACQUE! JACQUE!!! YOU RULE JACQUE!!!". I'm sure it sucks to be told your career is over, that the game you gave your life to has passed you by; but in a ballplayer's golden years I hope that the memories of kids and fans screaming in joy outnumber the memories of the boos and hisses, the aches and pains. If you ever need a reminder Jacque, send us a line...we'll tell you "YOU RULE" just because, you do rule, and you deserve it.
SPECIAL BONUS GUEST POST!
Stinky and I talked after her buddy Tyler posted this on Thursday and we both thought it deserved to be on the site proper (just in case you, like my mom, avoid the comments sections for fear of being called an idiot, or poop-face or a poop-faced idiot). Don't worry, it's free of insults but rich in Lost related brilliance:
You want LOST characters? I'll give you LOST characters.
Delmon Young = John Locke. Not Smoke Monster Locke, just regular Locke. He so clearly has some supernatural gift, but made a series of boneheaded decisions (getting Boone killed, not pushing the button, throwing a bat at an umpire, eating) that made us all wonder whether he could truly make it on the island. But he came up big when it counted (trying to keep Widmore's boat crew off the island). Hopefully Delmon doesn't suffer the same fate as Locke.
Carl Pavano = Desmond Hume. Unsung, underappreciated, but super clutch. Name a bad Desmond episode. Just one. You can't. He always comes up clutch. "The Constant". The "You're gonna die, Charlie" episode. The "Desmond figures out that everybody's actually dead" episode. All great, all of them. Likewise, whenever the Twins needed a huge start (such as when Blackburn and Slowey managed to give up 15 runs in 3.1 innings in consecutive starts) Pavano comes up big.
Drew Butera = Penelope Hume nee Widmore. This should be obvious.
Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau = Sawyer and Jack Shepard. 'Cause the ladies need something to fight over. Also, Justin Morneau is Jack. This will be important later.
Brian Duensing = Sayid Jarrah. Kept on the bench for long periods of time, but he is utterly ruthless when released upon the unsuspecting masses. Torturer, murderer, lover, husband. He has the whole package.
Francisco Liriano and Francisco Liriano's left elbow = Sun and Jin Kwon. Just masterful from the start. I dare you to watch the Season One finale and not bawl at their goodbye scene. Unfortunately, they were ripped apart at the end of Season Four with all of us wondering if we would ever see Jin/Liriano's elbow ever again. After two long years apart, they were finally reunited in a beautiful, touching manner and we all cheered and hugged and cried. Of course, Sun and Jin were quickly killed, but I don't really like to talk about that.
Ron Gardenire = Hugo "Hurley" Reyes. Lovable guy, always good for a laugh, whether it's building a golf course on a deserted island or tooling around in a 1970s VW bus. Also a little bit crazy. And when he's handed the reins of the Twins/Island everybody kind of said "Huh? Him?". But he led the team/island to an era of prosperity that nobody thought possible.
Jim Thome = Ben Linus. I understand the thinking behind making Thome the Smoke Monster, but here's the thing. The Smoke Monster's the bad guy. Always. Thome spent 15 years playing for the Indians/Bitch Sox and when he signed with the Twins everybody was all "Fine, we'll take him. But we're not going to play him much. He'll pinch hit when we really need him but he'll never be a true Twin." Then Jack/Morneau died and Hurley/Gardy turned to Ben/Thome and said "I need you to be my number two." And Thome responded, "You know, I've been doing this island/baseball thing for a long time and I've always been the bad guy. Maybe it's time I started using my knowledge/Thunder Stick for good." And that's how I ended up owning a t-shirt that says "When Teddy Roosevelt said 'Speak softly and carry a big stick,' he was talking about Jim Thome."
JJ Hardy = Claire (whatever her last name is). Missing for extended periods of time due to injury/kidnapping/disappearance, and when he/she finally came back at the end of the season/series, he/she didn't really perform to expectations.
That's all I've got for now. I'm pretty sure there's a Joe Nathan as Eko or Nathan/Neshek as Boone/Shannon floating around somewhere. But I've spent the last 45 minutes at work on this so I should probably do some actual work now.
No Tyler, no you should not! Keep the nerdery coming and if you have any: "The Twins are like ___FILL IN THE BLANK GEEKERY_____" than you too can be given a guest post spot like Tyler. Seriously if you see the parallels between the Twins and Lost, the Twins and Unicorns, the Twins and Harry Potter, and Star Wars...bring it on...we love the nerds up here in peanut heaven.
Until next time,
Scruffy/Smelly
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