It was Lutheran Night at Target Field.
This caused several problems. First of all, the EMTs were in over their heads before the game even started when fans began passing out left and right due to wearing Norwegian Sweaters in the 90 degree heat. Secondly, in a sudden reversal of the principles of economics, prices of back row seats shot up 300% because nobody wanted to sit in the front. There was also great confusion when fans tried to sing grace before eating their hot dogs and were unsure whether to "strengthened for thy service be" or "feast in paradise with thee" -a brawl actually broke out in section 214. There was also the 4 part harmony dramz during the national anthem (there were too many sopranos), and the fact that many people were so reluctant to rudely walk in front of one another that they simply refused to go to the restroom at all, which resulted in an unfortunate stinkyness throughout many sections of the stadium.
Down in the dugout, Drew Butera was trying to figure out what to do. He had just gotten in touch with his Norwegian self, and he realized that ordering Pavano to throw certain pitches was not very Lutheran. He decided instead to make "suggestions" to Carl, and then if he didn't like what Carl threw he would call Ben Revere later to complain and maybe also to gossip about Luke Hughes.
Danny Valencia, meanwhile, was having a conniption. "But GUYS," he said. "It's LUTHERAN NIGHT. We can't just score runs against these guys, they get beat up by the Yankees and the Red Sox all the time and it just...it wouldn't be very nice."
"Well," said Cuddy, as he smiled extra-bright and his dimples shone like an exploding supernova. "What should we do then? I mean chances are we're going to hit the ball occasionally and probably get on base sometimes."
Joe Mauer chimed in then - he'd been thinking a lot about this Lutheran niceness and such. "How about I'll wait until there are 2 outs before I get a hit? And then probably no one will score, so we won't make the Orioles feel too bad."
"Gee," said Danny. "That's a great idea! And then maybe we can guilt them into letting us win!!" It was too brilliant (and too convoluted) to fail.
And that is how the Twins got smacked down by the Baltimore Orioles, 4-1 on August 22, 2011. There was also some serious fan interference, and some extremely un-Norwegian behavior exhibited by Gardy (awesome) but the important thing you must remember - we lost tonight because of passive-aggressiveness. And also lutefisk.