Calling all bribes

After the debacle of the Hall of Fame's "non-election" and last weekend's Academy Awards, there is but one honor left to bestow before the baseball season begins: the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame! Yes, we still offer induction to all those who make the game fun to watch (even if they weren't exactly "good" at "playing the game of baseball").
We got there before you BBWAA
But what do possible inductees have to offer you? After all, bribery is as much a part of our electoral system as the whole electoral thing. Hall of Fame candidates can promise to actually listen to sportswriters for a change, and Oscar candidates plump for their campaigns through all manner of swag. So what exactly do our candidates have to offer you?

Jim Thome
One vote will net you a serving of mashed taters, one of several hundreds of home run balls and a small sample of his new cologne "L'eau du Smokey"

Joe Nathan
One vote will earn you a patch of scruffy beard, a hearty "Yarrr!", and a gold dubloon (warning: dubloon may be cursed)

Delmon Young
Delmon would love your vote, so much so he's willing to offer a plush stuffed Siberian tiger and 6 hours of community service...you're cool with having some of that, right?

Kevin Slowey
Things are a little tight for Kevin right now, but he does have a penny and slightly squashed skittle for anyone who votes for him.

Jason Kubel
Now embedded in Arizona, Jason Kubel can happily offer all those who vote for him a Grand Canyon key chain, his new self-help book: "Smirking and You" and free racial profiling to everyone who pays him a visit.

Jesse Crain
The ubermensch, our once great middle reliever/Nietsche spouting philosopher in residence offers you only the black abyss of unanswerable human quandries. Plus a 20% off coupon to TrueBerry.

Luke Hughes
Can offer you a large supply of marmite...wait...don't go! There's more!!

Jason Marquis
Despite Jason's meager four week term with the Twins, he's still a candidate. He can offer a wig and a sense of emptiness.

Francisco Liriano
Despite his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), Liriano is a prime candidate for the Peanuts Hall of Fame. And because of his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), he can offer to bribe you with any one of a dozen different ligaments and game-chewed gum!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka
Tsuyoshi Nishioka has already offered his bribe...it was his leaving, you're welcome.

Matt Capps
Vote for Matt Capps and receive one of the several dozens of homeruns he yielded in close games over the last three years. You will also receive a small smattering of the bazillion boos he faced at all times over the last three years.

Carl Pavano
Carl's swag bag includes surplus fake mustaches...obviously.

Scott Baker
The longest tenured Twin to say goodbye this offseason is extremely grateful for all your love and support. In honor of this he will acknowledge the existence of "nutty" from the infamous bat-girl posts and allow you to hang with the greatest support of all...

Denard Span
As ever you can Save Big Money with a vote for Denard S.! Receive high quality LED bulbs and valuable seeding mulch as well as coupons a plenty!

Ben Revere
Since smiles are not tangible, Ben Revere will honor your vote by dedicating five Web Gems to each person who votes for him.

Alexei Casilla
Would offer you things, but he's pretty sure he hasn't played for the Twins since 2010...

Remember you're voting for players who helped you have fun watching the game...it's easier than trying to discern greatness. 75% gets you induction 10% gets you another year on the ballot.

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