2012 Winter Meeting Recap!

It's a holiday tradition as old as Barack Obama's presidency (...hmm that didn't sound quite as impressive as I thought I would...); every year, shortly after the Winter Meetings end, we Peanuts offer a poorly digested, mostly fabricated recap of the glad-handing and back slapping that turns four days of business meetings in a fancy hotel into something somewhat amusing.

We hope you enjoy this absurd dramatization of a professional business convention (and if you are somehow still amused by such absurd dramatizations feel free to explore our other recaps for 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008.)

It's all so magical!

MONDAY:
9:23 AM--The serious professionals in the Twins organization are gobsmacked upon registering at the Opryland Hotel at the expansive atrium that could easily contain all the non-Lutherans in Minnesota!

10:05 AM--After purchasing a lot of swag at the Opryland Hotel Giftshop team budget managers sheepishly inform Terry Ryan that they have blown all the money saved by trading Denard Span

12:28 PM--Terry Ryan begins the going through his rolodex of available starting pitchers beginning with Blanton, Joe and Correia, Kevin.

4:41 PM--Ryan becomes seriously twitterpated before dialing "Grienke, Zack". Feeling just as nervous as  he did before he tried calling Suzi Charmical for a date to the Junior Prom back in Zanesville

Greinke wishes someone in LA would
think up doofy photoshops for him.

4:43 PM--Remembering the crushing rejection suffered at the hands of Suzi Charmical, Ryan decides to just move on to the next name on his list (who won't cost more than the state's budget for education) Jackson, Edwin.

8:45 PM--After a super awkward dinner with representatives from the Dodgers, Greinke wishes that those nice guys from the Twins would call him so he could just once know what it was like to have *nice* executives talk to him. (*tear*)

TUESDAY:
3:23 AM--As he hangs up with Zambrano, Carlos (who may or may not have been at a rave) Ryan lets out a contented sigh at having called every eligible free agent pitcher with a pulse.

4:03 AM--After a 30 minute cat nap, Ryan takes out a Ouiji board and begins calling free-agent pitchers without a pulse: beginning with Alexander, Grover Cleveland.

Johan, Bert and Three Zombies!...Dare to dream..

11:38 AM--Braves General Manager Frank Wren stops by to take Ryan to lunch and gauge interest in trading Josh Willingham. But his aura interrupts productive discussions about a 2 year/3 Million brain deal with Zombie Christy Matthewson, and trade talks are abruptly cut off

6:45 PM--Having failed to procure a magical amulet to raise the dead and sign them to pitching contracts, Ryan returns to his rolodex of available pitchers only to discover that Joe Blanton will be signing elsewhere, and thus Kevin Correia is the most alphabetically appropriate pitcher.

7:00 PM--Ryan rage quits on his free agent pursuits and the front office staff has to calm him down by starting the traditional Winter Meetings TV Show marathon a skosh early.

7:20 PM--Three scenes into the first episode of Sherlock, no one can remember who they are, what they are doing, or why anything except the fact that they HAVE TO watch more of this show.

WEDNESDAY:
6:01 AM--Ryan cries at the last scene of "Richenbach Falls"

6:02 AM--Ryan unleashes a stream of profanity about series creator Steven Moffat after seeing the ACTUAL last scene of "Richenbach Falls"

7:27 AM--The front office staff concludes their tv gorging winter meetings ritual by ordering up some room service, including an extra big banana split to calm down a still ragingly furious Terry Ryan.

10:43 AM--Finally emerging from the stale air of their suite, Ryan and his colleagues connect with their counterparts in the business and begin to gauge interest in possible trades.

2:18 PM--The staff reconvenes to compare their measurements on their "gauges of interest"; realizing that surprisingly Justin Morneau's interest rated at "14.8 STPE" (seconds thought per executive) which was below the measurements on the Ben Revere gauges: 47.7 STPE.

4:33 PM--Bert Blyleven calls in to plead with the Twins to step up their pursuit of trading for Texas lefty and his relative Derek Holland.

4:53 PM--After quite a bit of effort, the front office staff convinces Blyleven that just because his name is "Holland" does not mean that he is actually from Holland. But appreciate that thought.

"Finite Sucktarium!"

8:15 PM--As word leaks that Bluefield Blue Jays president Richard McGonagale will be named "King of Baseball", the Twins quietly inquire as to whether or not McGonagle has any relation to that British witch lady and if that magical touch chan be swayed into our organization.

THURSDAY
6:18 AM--Trade discussions about Revere nearly derail when Assistant Bill Smith asks Ruben Amaro Jr. "What the hell is a Phillie anyway?" making Amaro a little overly defensive.

8:53 AM--As the scouts plan to take to pick Ryan Pressly (a starter converted to a reliever) in the Rule 5 Draft; they have to awkwardly wait through the terminally unpopular Rule 1, Rule 2, Rule 3 and Rule 4 Drafts.

Don't cry Ben, we'll send your
forwarding address to Santa

11:07 AM--The team puts the final touches on a trade that will send Ben Revere to Philadelphia for pitchers Vance Worley and Trevor May, which forces Terry Ryan to do the hardest thing in the world...watch Ben Revere's childlike innocence die.

11:09 AM--When asked if Santa will still be able to find him in Philadelphia, Ryan can't help but say "YES! OF COURSE! Don't worry! Santa totally will find you and he is real!"

3:28 PM--En route the airport, Terry Ryan remembers that he was supposed to talk to Jared Burton at some point this weekend, calls him with the offer of 5.5 Million over two years with a 3.6 Million dollar option for the third year PLUS any razor he wants to shave down his neck scruff.

3:29 PM--Burton agrees, but doesn't require the "razor clause".

A Little Bit Country...

but not at all rock and roll...that's our prediction for what the Twins will do during this week's Winter Meetings in Nashville, Tennessee.

Every offseason, when there is precious little else to write about, I make prognostications/recommendations for what will/should happen when the Twins' brass heads down to whatever exotic locale has agreed to host the most powerful people in baseball for four days.

This year, there's a lot that could be done to improve the team; some would go so far as to say there's a lot that needs to be done. The only question is what actually will  be done, when TR and company head down to the home of the Grand Ol' Opry.

What will TR get done?

I have no idea of course, but that won't stop me from making bizarre guesses for my and (hopefully) your enjoyment.

Who will be the next
Jason Marquis?

1. The Twins sign a mediocre pitcher who makes fans go "Him?"
We all know the Twins need starters, but with the frequently frugal Ryan spending the parsimonious Pohlads' dollars in a market where any one with a few Ws on their stat sheet is guaranteed a cool million dollars a year, Zack Grienke isn't happening.

Sure there are dreams of Brandon McCarthy and Shawn Marcum, but it's far more likely that we'll be perusing the "Livan Hernandez Memorial Bargin Bin" so brace yourself for Jonathan Sanchez, Ching Ming Wang and (dare we dream?) Jeff Karstens.

2. Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau sit awkwardly beside their phones for several days
Now that Denard Span is shopping for apartments in Foggy Bottom, the two most prized commodities in the Twins' stockpile are the bopping big men. So, for Josh and Justin, it's time for several tense days updating "mlbtraderumors.com" and playing Angry Birds in space to pass the time.

Of course, we tend to have a slightly higher opinion of both player's abilities than the market will likely bear (I mean, how much can you really expect to get for a corner outfielder with limited defensive abilities, or a first baseman who's still coming back from a concussion.

3. After signing another aging middle infielder, the Twins replace their post game buffet with Perkins' early bird special coupons.
There's always someone who wants to make the Twins their last stop on the road to the retirement home: Tony Batista, Jose Offerman, Jamey Carroll, and without a set of high calibre prospects to replace them, there's always a demand.

Rather than begrudging this fact, let's celebrate it! If we're going to try appealing to Marco Scutaro or Placido Palanco we might as well sweeten the pot with Perkins' all day breakfast deals...after all, who wouldn't want a chicken fried steak right before a big game? And hey, if we can splurge on a box of Werther's originals and the right to do an Andy Rooney style rant in the 8th inning each night then we'll  have officially cornered the market.

4. Scott Boras mistakes Terry Ryan's polite conversation for interest in a mediocre player and uses it to procure a grossly over indulgent contract.

You're welcome, Scott

Every year there's one or two of Scott Boras' clients who bring up a "mystery team" in an effort to boost the bidding for their services. Whether or not these teams actually exist is irrelevant, all that matters is the money pit Boras gets to jump in for his troubles.

The Twins won't be so foolish as to actually hire a Boras client; but Ryan's unflagging Minnesota Nice demeanor and past experience with Kyle Loshe may well lead to a casual conversation in the hallway, which leads to intense rumor mongering between Boras and the Dodgers, which leads to a $60 Million dollar pay day for Loshe...the least Boras could do would be to pay for the almonds Ryan takes from his minibar.

5. A fat lot o' nothing happens.
The most likely situation of all: each year there's a tremendous amount of speculation in the days and weeks leading up to the winter meetings, and each year we end up pretty much where we were at the start of it...a little bored and none the wiser about who or what the coming year will hold.

Still! The conjecture is fun and the impending sense of doom being alleviated when we don't waste our money is even better!

A Thanksgiving Hors D'ouvre: A Peanuty Blueprint

'Tis the season both for overeating and overanalyzing potential Twins transactions. While most people in Twins Territory will be fixated on football in the next 72 hours, I thought, on the off chance that someone sneaks a peak at this space, that I should make it look presentable. So, here's a new blog on how best to address the biggest issue the local nine faces this year.

Available at Deviant Art

Most of the truly accomplished and respected Twins' bloggers have presented their blueprints for general consumption. The prognosticated quickly, and now, three weeks later, I'm doing the same. But, I do have something to offer which my fellow bloggers do not: a plan that balances a quest for wins with an equally important search: a search for a team fans might once again find interesting!

No offense, I know we like to talk about how victories equal ticket sales, but ticket sales also equal payroll and payroll often equals victories...so I thought approaching the problem from a new direction might prove interesting to some (or...okay...just me). Here now, my blueprint for the Twins 2013 offseason

Step 1: Trade Justin Morneau, Denard Span and Alex Burnett to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Niel Walker, Kyle McPherson and Alen Hanson--sign Walker to a four year, $8 Million contract extension

Sargeant Gardy's Lonely
Hits Club Band in hapier times

Start with the hardest thing I've ever suggested. I love Justin and I love Denard. I've invested considerable hours turning them into ninjas and mounties and an off brand version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; but they are pricy, expendable and in need of a chance to win now rather than later.

After being baseball's best story through June in 2011, and their best story through July in 2012, the Pirates need to win now too. Combining Denard's lead off skills with Justin's big bat should ease the burden on Andrew McCutchen and make it ease the blow of giving up a young, promising second baseman in Walker who helps solve our middle infield problem.

As an added bonus, McPherson's resume resembles the best prospect traded for players like Justin Morneau in the past (Jason Schmidt) and High A ball prospect Alen Hanson may set up a superb left side of the infield with Miguel Sano (he outranks all current Twins SS prospects).

While many fans may be turned off by the loss of two more long time Twins players and the addition of several new, unproven guys, I believe the next moves make up for that.

Step 2: Sign Brandon McCarthy to a three year, $51 million dollar contract (including a mandated Twitter clause) and Francisco Liriano to a one year $5 million/5 million sticks of gum contract (total: 5.3 m)

The man likes gum...

Scared as many might be by the return of Francisco Liriano, there should be comfort in the fact that we know what works for Frankie. Given his Target Field success last year (also in a contract year, and with a magical stash of gum), things should be sunshiney (plus we can always trade him again...provided we pay for the gum).

Meanwhile McCarthy makes a welcome addition of a solid #2 pitcher ahead of Scott Diamond and one who will be under contract for a considerable length of time (more than might have been suggested before the free agent bucks started flying, but hey we'll take what we can get). The added bonus is that even if concussion issues prevent him from being the player he seemed like he could be in the middle of the season, his social media skillz should help younger Twins players know what to do in order to avoid being too Danny Valencia-ish when they make the bigs. Even if some ignore him, the burgeoning hipster market will be inexorably drawn to each of McCarthy's starts.

Step 3: Sign Tony Robbins* to be personal life coach to Liam Hendricks, Luis Perdomo  and Brian Dozier (perhaps Kyle Gibson, Anthony Slama and Joe Benson)--1 year $1.8 Million dollars.

Problem: The Twins have a lot of players who are excellent in AAA and lousy in the majors.
Solution 1: FIRE THEM ALL AND BRING IN FREE AGENTS!
Solution 2: Teach them to unleash the power within! (and save money!)

YOU CAN THROW STRIKES!

This bit of creative problem solving tries a true moneyball approach to the game. Rather than valuing what our competition values (i.e. talent) we can value something else: mentoring and holistic advice! Thus comes Tony Robbins to convince Messers Hendricks Perdomo et al that they don't need to learn how to master the strike zone, because they already have mastered it! (IN THEIR MINDS!!)

*Note: There is a strict: NO FIRE WALK clause in Mr. Robbins' contract

Grady Sizemore:
You're welcome ladies.

Step 4: Sign Grady Sizemore to play RF (1 year $2.5 million).

As I understand it, many of the female fans of the Minnesota region appreciate it when the team not only plays well, but is also mildly attractive. Without Justin Morneau and the charming accent of Luke Hughes, Sizemore will help to increase the HQ (Handosmeness Quotient) of the team.

I'm open to other solutions here, but the plastic surgery needed to make Anthony Swarzak look like Ryan Gosling is a little steep, and creating Fox Sports North Dudes doesn't solve the outfield problem. So, Sizemore might just be a stop gap until Oswaldo Arcia or Aaron Hicks is ready to go. But until then we can all bask in the awkwardness of this story from the Onion.)

Step 5: Decline arbitration for Drew Butera, promote Chris Hermann and sign Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart for $150 thousand.

Now that Matt Capps (aka "Minnesota Fats Jr." aka "Matt Crapps Shoot" aka "Not Him, Please, Dear God Not Him!") has left the team, it's time to address that other outstanding source of fan vitriol--the boondoggle behind the plate.

Rather than let Drew Butera get a raise in arbitration (thus exploding the cerebral cortexes of many fans) I suggest that we let him go, promote minor leaguer Chris Hermann and put the money we save (approximately 150 k) to someone who can radically alter the perception of our catching corps.

Windbreaker not needed

Enter: Jimmy Hart. Those of us who wasted savored our youthful innocence by watching professional wrestling, know that managers in wrestling are even more irrelevant than baseball managers. But! They do provide much needed cache for those they align themselves with. So, if we bring in Jimmy Hart it goes from being "Mauer or Doumit with Hermann  for emergencies"to being "The Twin Cities Triumverate" with finishing moves like "Ryan Sauve's Opposite Field Smash!"or "Hermann's Munster Arm!" or "Chairman Mauer's Great Plate Discipline Forward..." (obviously I'm not as good at this as professional wrestling people are.

And who knows what kind of drama may unfold. Whose to say that Doumit and Mauer don't turn on each other mid-season on a miscommunicated tag? Or that Herman doesn't take a folding chair to create a sudden case of "bilateral leg weakness"? It will be pure sports entertainment...only with an actual sport.

Line up:
CF-Revere-$500k
2B-Walker-$2 M
C-Mauer-$23 M
LF-Willingham-$7 M
DH-Doumit-$3.5 M
1B-Parmelee-$500k
3B-Plouffe-$500k
RF-Sizemore-$2.5 M
SS-Florimon-$500k
Subtotal $40 M
Bench
C-Hermann-$500k
IF-Dozier-$500k
IF-Carroll-$3.75 M
OF-Mastroianni-$500k
Subtotal: $5.25 M
Rotation
#1-Liriano-$5.3 M
#2-McCarthy-$17M
#3-Diamond-$500k
#4-McPherson-$500k
#5-Hendricks-$500k
Subtotal--$ 23.8 M
Bullpen
LHP-Robertson $500k
LHP-Duensing $1.5 M
RHP-Slama $500k
RHP-Perdomo $500k
RHP-Swarzak $500k
SU-Burton $2M
CL-Perkins $2.5 M
Subtotal-- $8 M
Other
Nick Blackburn--$5.5 M
Jimmy Hart--$150k
Tony Robbins $1.8 M
Subtotal--$7.45 M

TOTAL PAYROLL: $82.05 M 

From this position we could easily add payroll as needed if we do well, or swap out others (Sizemore, Liriano, Carroll, Willingham, Doumit) if we don't. Most importantly we've got some marketable commodities here to keep the turnstiles turning and keep the fans interested (if not completely excited) and establish Walker and McCarthy as building blocks back to consistent contention in the years ahead.

Teachable Moments 2012: Money Will Change Your Life

The playoffs are in high gear, but those who cling to hope for the underdogs might be forgiven for tuning out early this year. The league championship series featured the past three champions (Cardinals, Giants and Yankees) and a preseason favorite (the Detroit Tigers). Gone are the plucky upstarts: the Nationals, the A's, the O's, the Reds. In short all the teams who haven't sniffed the World Series in over 20 years, and in their place, much more of the same.

Baseball's competitive balance is still a little better than you might think, but that's not the point of my writing. My point is that there's a certain something missing from this years playoffs; that plucky scrapper mentality that many mid-market fans cling to as superpowers get richer each year.

Once upon a time, in the good ol' days of five years ago, the Twins were one of those scrappy franchises. Mixing and matching spare parts and raw newcomers to find startling success; while we often wished ol' Carl Pohlad would loosen his purse strings a little more often, we now know that big spending won't solve our problems.

After two years of 90+ losses and nearly $200 million dollars in payroll, frustration is mounting. At the center of all of this frustration isn't the ownership (no longer Carl, just his sons), or the management (penny-pinching Terry Ryan in his 2nd non-consecutive turn as GM), the frustration falls squarely on Joseph P. Mauer. The 23 Million Dollar Man.

We all know the story. Mauer was the scion, the natural, the local kid who was destined to return the Twins to greatness. So, we made sure to give him a contract that would keep him in town for a solid decade. We rejoiced when he signed, and while the price-tag was eye-popping, if anyone was worth it, it was our boy Joe.

Of course, we all know the rest of the story too. In the three years since Mauer signed the uber-deal, his production has vacillated from solid to injury-riddled to elite-catcher level again. At the same time, Mauer has remained the stoic, humble, home-grown star who endeared himself to Twins fans as Minnesota's own throw-back to the crew-cut, mashed-potato-munching stars of yester-year. He's got a house in Florida, but another up north, with a St. Paul-bred wife and a consistent relationship with his St. Paul loving family.

He plays the same. He acts the same. He is the same. Clearly, money did not change Joe Mauer.

And clearly it did change us.

Somewhere along the way, the promise and the paeans to Joe Mauer morphed into demands. Our affection didn't come easily anymore, he wasn't the adorable kid playing stickball on Summit Avenue, he was "the franchise," and he had better play like it! He wasn't a local boy made good, he was a local boy made off with our hard-earned money. He wasn't a great player, he was a shampoo-hawking, prima-donna who let "leg-weakness" get in the way of the game.

Before, we had loved Joe Mauer simply and purely because he was our own and he was awesome. Suddenly, we begrudged Joe Mauer some undefinable something simply and purely because he was our own and he was only "pretty good"...and, oh yeah, he was getting paid a large sum of money (much of which came from our own tickets).

Chances are, if you find your way to this page, this blog, and my style of writing, you have a more complex view of Mauer than simply "the-golden-boy" or "the-sissy-punk". Chances are you've heard plenty of this before. Chances are I'm not saying anything that you haven't thought yourself a time or dozen.

But one thing to bear in mind, as we enter a season of acrimonious bickering over cries of "super rich one-percent-ers" and "the welfare class of entitled moochers" is just how we use these words and why. It's easy to tune out the tit-for-tat argument and snark as irrelevant or impossible, but that avoids the core of the discussion. Does Joe Mauer earn the enmity of disappointed hordes in Target Field because he doesn't perform his job, because he abuses his wealth and privilege, or because class and money affect us in ways we don't feel comfortable talking about. Is it pure jealousy, the shriveled raisin of a dream deferred, the genuine disdain for misappropriated money at a time of fiscal uncertainty?

There's no clear answer to those questions, and that's as it should be. The teachable moments of our year in fandom aren't just moments where a lesson is learned and we move on with life. Teachable moments are the somethings, the anythings, that encourage us to look at things again, to consider and reflect.

I'm a homer, and I'll always love Joe Mauer for how he hits and plays. But after this year, I also have to appreciate how he offers all kinds of teachable moments

Teachable Moments 2012: The Value of Consistent Casting

I could apologize for the delay between posts, but if you read this blog at all, you know full well why the delay is here (it starts with a "w" and ends with an "orking my a$$ off").

It's the postseason now, you all remember that right, the thing the Twins used to do every October before the current unpleasantness began? And while we're all plotting out our offseason blue prints for returning the Twins to relevancy, there are other things to think about, the kinds of things that may not result in wins or losses but do relate to the business of being a fan. Those are the kinds of things that I'm taking on as subjects of these "Teachable Moment" blogs.

There was a moment near the end of the season where my wife, my father and a colleague at my high school all said the same thing while we watched a game. Namely: "Who the hell is that guy?"

Every one of those three people are serious Twins fans, not bandwagon, casual afternoon channel surfer fans. They watch most games (either out of personal interest or because they married a die-hard), and could easily rattle off the owners of retired numbers, the holders of franchise records, and where they were for big moments (World Championships) and little ones (Kubel's cycle, Baker's near perfecto).

Yet each one of them was befuddled by something, or rather someone in the Twins uniform. Samuel DeWho? Matt CarWhat?

 Chances are if you are reading my writing, then you, like me, are still deeply interested in the Twins despite another 90 loss season. You clearly care more than most average fans, even most serious fans. Maybe even enough to distinguish Pedro Florimon from Eduardo Escobar.

But this isn't about shaking our heads at people who lose track of the Chris Hermanns and Kyle Waldrops of the franchise. It's about what it means to have those serious fans fade away from their old commitment to the team.

As far as I can figure, losing once-serious fans to an abyss of indifference is accepting that you're going to have fewer return customers to Twins Brand Family Entertainment next year leading to a dip in revenues (and by association payroll budget). I'm sure the Pohlads and the other front office people know that and are ready to compensate with more attractive group ticket packages, more food/beverage discounts and generally more ways to bring in casual fans. But as the losing becomes more and more habitual, fewer and fewer casual fans will see a (still pricey) trip to the ballpark (or to the team merchandising store) as a worthwhile expense.

Suddenly that "dip" in revenues becomes a "crater" and that return to respectability that we die-hards crave gets pushed farther and farther into the background. So, losing "once-serious" fans is a bit of a dilemma. But there is a solution.

And that's just 3 seasons
of dead people!

 As my wife pointed out, it's not the current Twins are terrible that stops her from watching, it's that she knows the team won't be back for a little while, and doesn't want to get too attached only to see one of them leave. That goes for the talented like Ben Revere, Josh Willingham, Jared Burton and Ryan Doumit (couldn't they all get traded?). And that goes for the not-so talented (witness my love for the probably doomed Luis Perdomo). For my father, loving a current Twin is like trying to adopt a pet lobster from a seafood restaurant, it makes you happy but you just know that something bad's going to happen. My wife likened it instead to the days of our courtship (when we'd mix baseball talk with Lost episodes). Sure there are some interesting new characters, but given how easy it is for the writers to kill off old characters, do you really want to get burned again?

So, while the "throw out the bums!" shouts get louder, remember that there's something to be said for consistency. There's something to be said for building around a few key parts and encouraging fans to learn to love a new face. If we subscribe to a model of constant turnover we may start slipping into oblivion as a modern day Toronto, or Pittsburgh or [shudder] Kansas City.

I know we can't (and shouldn't) keep everybody. But when in doubt, remember that glorious summer when the Twins returned to relevancy over a decade ago, when after years of turnover the Twins committed to a group of young players (who were admittedly more talented than the current bunch), and invited fans to just "Get to Know 'Em".

 Maybe it won't be next year, or even the year after, but when the time comes it will fall on the diehards to answer "Who the Hell is that" with "Miguel Sano," or "Aaron Hicks" or "Byron Buxton...you should really get to know 'em."

Teachable Moments 2012: Ragequitting

Some know this, others don't. I'm secretly a teacher at a public high school that shall remain nameless. (If only to protect myself from principals who wonder why they hired a guy who thinks that beards are sentient.)

 My job is great actually. When the baseball season starts it's a sign that the school year is rapidly winding down. As the battle for first place intensifies, I have many opportunities to watch and revel in exciting games. And by the time I get back to work I know whether or not I should assign essays early in the year, or if I should go easy on students so I can watch the games.*

 This year, with the Twins out of contention, I don't need to worry about missing critical late season games. But as one season winds down and another warms up, I've started thinking about valuable lessons from baseball for fans, and for life. Starting with the consequences of rage quitting.

 One Friday night, Stinky and I went to the game with her parents and watched as the Twins squandered an early lead as only they have been able to do this year. Liam Hendricks looked good just long enough to surprise us all when he imploded in 5th. Our solid offensive outburst seemed flukish when David Huff shut down the bats for three innings. And then Alex Burnett struggled and struggled and finally stunk fumbling a weak comebacker with the bases loaded to let in the 6th run of the game.  

Disappointing as that was, it was the fans reaction that I found noteworthy. We didn't boo. We didn't jeer. But a solid 10-20% of fans that I could see stood and left (either for beer or for good). Dispirited, dejected and otherwise done with watching the debacle on the field. It wasn't any kind of organized protest, or meaningful event, it was just a clear sign that fans were tired of wasting their time and ready to move on with life.

 The internet (which you may have heard of) might refer to this as an act of "RageQuitting, meaning simply: "To quit because you are losing, failing or just plain suck" Sure enough the Twins were losing, the players were failing to make an easy play and all season long they have seemed to just plain suck. There are many ways to ragequit, standing up and walking out of a bad game (despite your expensive tickets), clicking off the tv in disgust, avoiding most ESPN/FOX related content because you think they'll glorify the Yankees/Red Sox and denigrate "those hapless Twins" comment, posting "if-they-don't-fix-this-#%@#ing-team-I'm-done" posts in the forum section, even deleting a Twins Daily account...just because you can't take it any more.

This season has taught us all about ragequitting, as even the most ardent supporters may have at least considered the possibility once or twice. So, what happens when you do ragequit? Let's explore: The benefits of the "ragequit" are simple: you don't have to deal with the source of your frustration any more. You can move on to other things, happier things, better things.

Meanwhile the costs of the "ragequit" are less apparent: you lose credibility with fellow fans, and appear petulant in the eyes of those around you (fans and others alike) for letting a group of 25 guys in blue uniforms affect your whole emotional welfare. Most of all, should you choose to return when the team begins to succeed again you risk that most hated of labels "fair weather fan".

 Clearly, I'm not going to ragequit any time soon. Frustrated though I might be, I enjoy little parts of the game and the team too much to be put off by simple bad play. But that's not to say that you can't ragequit if you want to. You, gentle reader are an independent human being capable of free will (or a super-smart extra-terrestrial monitoring electronic blather about Earth sports for signs of intelligent life in our galaxy...in which case better luck next time). You can do what you like, throw down the remote, slam your lap top shut, call Burnett a loser and Plouffe a hack and Gardy a has been.

 But whatever you choose, understand the consequences. If you ragequit, you gain freedom, but risk social-stigma. If you don't...well...you writhe in agony when Alex Burnett boots a slow roller to the mound. The choice is yours. 

 *Note: I don't really alter assignments based on baseball standings. I'm too scrupulous for that...stupid scruples.

My Dog Writes the News

I'm officially back at work, planning and plotting all that I teach, but after a summer of goofing around with my dog (with Sports Radio/ESPN often on in the background), I felt like I could trust him to write a post summarizing baseball coverage of late. Without further ado...here's a guest post from my dog: Sidney.

Most Exciting Time of Baseball Season Irrelevant Next to Least Exciting Time of Football Season.

by, Sid MacKenzie

With the September stretch run to the playoffs set to begin, all eyes are on the football transaction column to determine exactly how the final preseason game has affected NFL rosters. A host of intriguing story lines with resurgent teams and superb players will be confined to the final five minutes of all SportsCenter programs in order to give Peyton Manning's shoelacing form the attention it so richly deserves.

A man who's not even Hines Ward

For the first time in decades, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a chance to make the playoffs behind MVP candidate Andrew McCutchen who is not Troy Polumalu or even Ben Rothlisberger and therefore not that important. Said McCutchen of his impressive year, "I'm really glad the Steelers are keeping Charlie Batch. He can be a solid back up if Rothlisberger's rotator cuff doesn't heal quite right. The Steelers should be back in business baby!"

Meanwhile in Baltimore, the Orioles stunning run towards dethroning the Yankees has turned heads away from Camden Yards and towards Insert Generic Bank Name Here Stadium. Manager Buck Showalter replied to questions of his team's staying power by saying: "Shut up! John Harbaugh is taking post-practice questions!"

As California braces for an epic month, with four teams in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Oakland all capable of making the playoffs, players and coaches alike just hope that either Randy Moss still catches the ball, Tyrelle Pryor proves the doubters wrong, or that the Jaguars move into a new downtown stadium.

A man who does not play for the Cowboys

The principal rival for the California baseball teams (a team that legend says is called the Texas Rangers) has vanished into a black hole of Cowboys fans, painting blue stars on their faces or stomaches and incessantly shouting: "HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!?!?"

In New York, the often insufferable New York Yankees fans have put away their pinstripes in order to more effectively obsess over the Giants and the Jets. Said one wide-eyed and giddy fan named Derek Jeter: "Ohmigod! Tim Tebow looked at me! He looked right at me!!"

A man who should probably
be throwing a football instead.

In an effort to capitalize on this absurdly popular/mind-numbingly dull part of the football season, a variety of other baseball teams have taken their own approaches to expressing their love for football. To boost ticket sales for a series against the rival Chicago White Sox (who do not play football), the Detroit Tigers (who also do not play football) drew 40,000 fans with the promise of a raffle for 2 Lions tickets. In Washington, Jayson Werth has officially changed his name to Robert Griffin III.5 and the Tampa Bay Rays have changed their team name to the Tampa Bay Buccanears (a less expensive generic football brand that may lead to a lawsuit from the NFL).

Reached for comment at his office in New York, baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, "We're just so excited that we can stop playing soon so that everyone can watch football in peace. Please, don't pay any attention to pennant races or Justin Verlander or Mike Trout, you'll simply encourage them to keep playing into October. Nobody wants that."

In other news, football will be starting soon.