Loyal citizens of Twinnesota, noble citizens of Twinnesota, attractive citizens of Twinnesota, it is through you that our Territory of Baseball has been made great, and will continue to be great.
However, it is also due to me, and the fact that I am generally awesome at everything I do. I hit the ball, I hit the ball far, I catch the ball, I throw the ball, and did I mention that part about hitting the ball, I do that too. I have also been known to freestyle rap and date beauty queens. Also, I can hit the ball really, really well.
It is not surprising therefore that we have been recognized as a great and powerful team within the baseball world. Nor is it surprising that I have been named the most valuable, important and brilliantest man in the entire baseball universe. This is because I am so good at so many things, and because I draw my strength from you the greatest of the great peoples. It is for these reasons that we are superior to the evil land of Yankpires to the East and also for these reasons that I have been named as superior to the foolish capitalist dogs known as "Tex" and "Jeets". The foolish assumption that they are my equals makes me laugh. Ha. Ha ha. Ha.
However, we must not rest upon our laurels. We Twinnesotans must always strive towards a glorious future day when Yankpires shall no longer rule the earth and the land of Twinnesota will be lifted up to the glory and honor it deserves and Nerds Blizzards will once again be made in every Dairy Queen across our great land.
Until that day, my fellow Twinnesotans I will lead you, but I must ask for your help. I have noticed a laxness among our people lately. Whyfore have we let the sides of our heads go hairless? A hairless side of head is synonymous with collusion with capitalist forces in the shaving cream industry and must be discouraged.
Therefore, let us all grow our sideburns in accordance with the commands of me, your glorious leader. Also, please give me several more millions of dollars each year, that is not the request of capitalist dog, but rather your glorious leader who has earned this reward. But mostly, remember the sideburns, these are very important.
I am grateful for this very nice, very shiny award, and will be equally pleased when the millions of dollars enter my bank account and I can see fields of sideburns growing across our fair land. But most of all, my fellow Twinnesotans, I will beam with pride when we conquer the baseball world, which we will do, for we are Twinnesotans, we are noble, we are proud, and we are deserving of the greatness to come.
THIS HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM THE HONORABLE CHAIRMAN MAUER, GLORY AND HONOR TO HIS NAME.